How is it possible that already a year has gone by? Has it really been a year since I last laid eyes on you and sobbed over your lifeless body? How can I still hurt this much  if time heals all wounds?

The truth is, I will never be healed, not completely. There will always be a part of me missing, like a phantom limb, which at times aches even in its physical absence.

In this lifetime, I will not know your smile, your eye color or your giggle. But I dream of these things often. Not a day goes by that I don’t remember you, how you left this world and envision what could have been if God had allowed. I look forward to our reunion day, to the long embrace and the tears of joy! I love you so very much without knowing you because God still created me to be your mom!

This day is filled with sadness for me. I try to hold it together, but something is missing.  We try to celebrate you, do something special to honor the short life you had as I carried you and find ways to praise God from whom all blessings flow.  This is a difficult day, one I will remember each year and the memories it holds and try to find the joy. I love you with all I am, Isaiah, and nothing will ever change that. If we are ever blessed with the gift of another little life in our future, you will still hold the same special place in my heart that you do now. You are forever my son and will always hold a purpose in my life.

I’ve intentionally been MIA for several weeks now.  Life has been busy and honestly, life has been disappointing as of late. Since my last post, we’ve gone through 2 more transfers with 2 more negative results.  We are left frustrated with feelings of hurt, disappointment and waves of anger at times.

I will never know why we’ve gone through everything we’ve been through in the last 2+ years.  13 beautiful embryos with 8 total transfer procedures, countless shots and blood draws, several ultrasounds and surgeries and our marvelous angel, Isaiah.

We will never understand why he couldn’t join us in this world, why he was able to hold on for 16 weeks only to be taken from our earthly world too soon.  We can’t understand why the remaining embryos that we tried after him, did not attach.  Is it something with me?  My diet? Stress? Activity level? Or is this just the road that God intended for us?

It seems cruel to come this far in my journey to becoming mommy again, and to be left facing the reality that it likely will not happen for us.  However, I continue to try to look on the positive side.  I cannot control what I cannot control.  But through the hurt, through all of the pain, I have met some incredible people and I know my story has touched and helped others.  It has brought awareness to the real struggle of infertility and my hope is that others who are fortunate enough to have not faced this struggle personally, can appreciate, understand and be more sensitive to those who are or may be struggling with it.  That is the purpose I choose to see in this painful journey, and to me that’s worth it.

As much as it has hurt, I would not go back and change the last 2 years.  The challenges and hardship we have faced, has made me stronger, more empathetic and a better mother to my sweet Lincoln.  I am grateful for the short amount of time I carried Isaiah, my delivery and the chance to hold his precious body.  Each day I dream of our reunion in Heaven for eternity.  I know he is surrounded in love and laughter and joy, he faces no hurt, no judgement, no sin….what mother wouldn’t want that for her child?!

I need to thank each of you for your constant thoughts, prayers and positive encouragement to us through this tumultuous journey.  Without your support and God’s grace, we couldn’t be at the place we are today.  I won’t lie to you, it’s still tough accepting that we were not successful in all of our attempts, but I know in my heart that God has more in store.  He is not finished with us yet and we pray He will continue to work in our lives and use our hardships and our joys, for His larger purposes.

Last year, on this day that we celebrate all things “Mother”, I wrote my very first blog.  For the first time, I exposed myself in a more real and emotional way to anyone who cared to read about my journey to becoming a mommy again.  I truly felt called to share my thoughts and experience in hopes that it would not only help me to process what I was going through, but also to help anyone else struggling through this difficult venture.  I can hardly believe it’s been a year already.

In that year, there have been many emotions.  I have cried tears of sorrow and tears of joy, I have been grateful and I have been angry, I have experienced life followed by death too soon.  It’s been a tough year.

Last year when I sat down to write my thoughts out, I was preparing for another cycle of IVF that would end in heartbreak.  I didn’t know then what the next year looked like, but I faithfully expected that by my next Mother’s Day, I would be holding a baby in my arms or at the least in my womb.

Instead, I hold my dear Isaiah’s ashes close to my heart nearly every day.  The memory of him is always with me and not a single day goes by that I don’t think of him.  I never got to feel his strong little kicks, I never saw him take a breath, I never felt his fingers grip mine.  But I did get to see him flutter on the screen, heard his beautiful heart beat, and carried him for 16 weeks.  I held him close to my body, wrapped in soft blankets and cared for him like any mommy would.  I am still a mommy again this Mother’s Day, just not how I envisioned it.

I woke up this morning, excited to receive my hand made card and a booklet of drawings Lincoln made at school for me.  I did not anticipate the hurt I would be feeling today, the sadness of seeing no baby bump under my dress, the envy I would feel of others who have not experienced infertility and loss.  I wasn’t expecting the emotions I found myself having as I sat in church surrounded by happy families and their happy mothers.  This Mother’s Day is harder for me than the last.

This year, I am that much more aware that I need to count my blessings and be grateful for the child I have with me on Earth.  I realize the hurt that so many other women are feeling, women who have not been able to experience motherhood and who dread this day.  I have been there and you are not alone or forgotten on this happy and difficult day.

I am so fortunate to know the joy {and craziness} of motherhood and to live it everyday, but I will also still always know the pain of infertility and loss.  Today of all days, be kind to your mothers and be grateful for everything they have done and sacrificed for you, but please also remember and pray for the childless, that they too would someday share in the joy of this day and have children to celebrate over them.

Just an update to how things are going in our baby-making pursuit.

This last week I’ve finally began to test negative on with the HPT {Home Pregnancy Test}.  We are over a month out from our loss of Isaiah and I’ve tested nearly everyday.  Each morning, bitterly discovering the double line.  I never thought I’d be in a situation where I was disappointed seeing a double line 😦

But finally last Monday, the double line vanished and I was so excited to think we could move forward!  I contacted my doctor’s office right away and they scheduled me to come in for blood work to confirm the HCG {pregnancy hormone that causes the double line} was indeed low enough.

Based on all of our experience with IVF and the procedures I know I’ll need done before we can begin again, I also know I have a limited window of time from the start of my cycle to when I could have said procedures performed.  Between days 3- 10 I am needing to have a saline ultrasound to again ensure no polyps have sprouted and also an endometrial biopsy.  I’ve had each of these a few different times and both are just has uncomfortable as they sound.

Again, both procedures are time sensitive and I’ve also now discovered, hormonally sensitive.  My HCG has to be at a 5 or lower and I also have to be within the 3-10 day window of my cycle.

Having never been through a miscarriage, one thing I did not realize is how long the HCG stays in one’s system.  I would have assumed my body would figure out quite quickly there was no baby to nurture and would level out within a week or so.  Well, just like the weight gain does not fall right off, nor do the hormones in the body.

Last Monday, my blood came back at a 17.2 for HCG.  I was obviously disappointed because this meant I was not low enough.  I went back in on Wednesday for a follow up draw and was at 13.4….still too high.  This morning I went back in and was sorely discouraged to find that I’m still at a 12 😦

Unfortunately, this ultimately means we will have to wait at least 1 more cycle before we can begin again.  The slightly elevated HCG would cause for any results from tests/procedures done, to be skewed.  7 measly points means another 2 1/2 – 3 weeks of waiting because there isn’t enough time for it to drop and me still be in that 3-10 cycle day window.

Now you may be thinking “it’s only another 2 1/2-3 weeks, that’s not so bad” and really, you’d be right in your thinking.  However for us, the wait is agony and every day that goes by is another day further behind in our timeline of bringing home a baby.  Yes, we know, God doesn’t work in our time, and we accept and understand that, but it doesn’t make the hurt go away or the waiting any easier.

So for now, not much as changed.  I’ve started birth control to start regulating things out in my body….another necessary step in the process. I haven’t yet received the results back on the genetic testing performed on me, but I’m curious to see what they will reveal.  Please pray that l have boring results and that there will not be another roadblock or hurdle placed in front of us in this journey!!!

They say time heals all wounds, but how much time does it take to start to feel some relief?

Lately my mind has been clouded with the thoughts of the should-have-been’s.  Last week Friday I was scheduled for my 20 week ultra sound and should have been only just discovering that our beautiful baby inside of me was a boy.  This weekend I should have been excitedly prepping our nursery for our bundle of joy, but instead I buried myself in my work.  Each morning and night I’m reminded that there should have been a growing baby bump, but instead there is just the left over weight gain from all the shots, medications, patches and pregnancy weight gain.  I should have been writing a happy blog, sharing ultra sound photos and updates on our boy, but instead I’m writing this.

Time has not yet healed this wound, but it’s slowly scabbing over.  My days go quickly but the memory of Isaiah is never far from my mind, and when my world slows down, the pain creeps in again.  I know it’s good for me to feel this pain, that I must in order to properly grieve and move forward.  Honestly sometimes I cling to it, I feel closest to Isaiah when my heart is heavy with this grief.

Even though sometimes it feels impossible, Eric and I are still looking to the future.  We met with our Reproductive Endocrinologist again about a week and half ago.  She took lots of time with us, reviewed pathology and genetic results, and talked over our options moving forward.  She was kind, compassionate, and honest with us that she unfortunately had no answers.  She was as dumbfounded and shocked as us as to what has happened and tried her best to offer encouragement.

We reviewed that pathology found nothing wrong with Isaiah’s cord.  There was no kink, there was no break.  After discovering that there was nothing with the genetics, I had hoped and prayed we would find the issue lied with the cord, that this would provide us an answer and some type of peace.  Instead, we have to accept that we will never know the reason for our Isaiah’s passing.  Ultimately, the reasoning doesn’t matter, not really.  What hurts more than not knowing the “why” is accepting that he’ll never be in our arms, he’ll never play with his brother, he’ll never hug us goodnight.  Instead we must constantly remind ourselves that he is in a better place and that God has reasoning in this  that is bigger than we can see right now.

Eric and I would covet your continued prayers as we walk through this.  We continue to try to keep our eyes forward and are praying that God will grant us another miracle baby in our near future.  Lincoln seems to be doing well, he will randomly mention Isaiah or ask a question about his brother, but his attitude and demeanor seems more like the Lincoln from before.  We all continue to adjust and are still so grateful to all of you.

“I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and He turned to me and heard my cry.  He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire.  He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along.” – Psalms 40:1-2

****Please be aware, I am sharing some very personal and to us, beautiful, photos of our precious son, Isaiah, in this blog.  We realize that these photos may be disturbing to some and so please do not scroll all the way through if you feel this may affect you.  Thank you for taking the time to care about our Isaiah and hear his story.

Isaiah Michael Reuer came into this world much too soon.  He weighed in at just 2.8 ounces and measured at 6.5 inches long!  He was already a tall little boy, similar to his big brother!  We enjoyed several hours with Isaiah’s body, had a photographer capture his perfect features, and he was snuggled by mom, dad, an auntie and grandma.  We shed tears, gave him smiles, and assured him he was perfect to us and we would always love him.

I am continually comforted by the life verse we chose for our baby boy, Isaiah 43:2.  This verse was shared with us on Wednesday morning by my aunt and was surely God using her to speak directly to us.

When I read this verse that morning, I knew that if our baby was a boy, his name would be Isaiah.  We had rushed to pick a name for our potential son, the evening before.  We were anticipating a girl. My pregnancy had been so different from the last and if I’m honest, we hoped for a little girl.  We have had a daughter’s name picked out for several weeks and had not really given much thought to anything else.  We went back to the list of names we had picked out several years prior, the list that we had ready incase Lincoln had a twin brother in there, and agreed to one of those “back up” names. {We had Lincoln’s name picked out years before we were blessed with Lincoln!} The name was not necessarily special, it held no significant purpose or place in our hearts.  But on Wednesday morning, when we needed some comfort and peace, God spoke to us using my aunt and through Isaiah 43 and provided that to us.

We envision our dear boy, laughing, running, and playing in Heaven.  My very first image of him was being greeted by my grandma, holding hands between her and my grandpa, and my sister Michelle loudly announcing to anyone and everyone who would listen, that her nephew Isaiah was there!  I know that he is surrounded in warmth, love and all things happy right now.  I know that Jesus is holding him while I can’t.  I know that one glorious day, we will be reunited and I can finally kiss him, hug him, and be with him for eternity.  I know that this pain I feel now, is only temporary, and that God will use it for His glory.

While we wait for that reunion, we are holding each other.  We are finding praises for God and begging for comfort.  We are so fortunate for our Lincoln and realize even more, how miraculous his life is and we know, God has such a big plan for him!  We are also thanking God for all of you, for your support and your prayers.  We know with all certainty, that we are getting through these days because of your prayers, because of your kind words and messages, because of your love for us and our family of 4.  We are hurting, but we will adjust to our new “normal” and though time may not completely heal this wound, it will help.

Lincoln is processing as well.  Yesterday we received a gift from a friend, the children’s version of Heaven is For Real.  We read this and looked at the beautiful pictures.  It brought some questions up for Lincoln, but he is fairly quick to move on.  I don’t think it’s out of avoidance, I think it’s purely because he’s 5 years old!  This morning he expressed a small amount of anger over the situation, asking why God “stole Isaiah”?  He was upset that God would “steal” him from us and he wanted to see Isaiah here, in our home.  He doesn’t quite understand how he could still be a big brother without a baby to show off.  Please keep him in your prayers. He was so excited to be a big brother finally and often would share with people that his mom was pregnant!  He’s already asked if we can try again, for another baby.

As I look forward into this next week, I’m not yet sure what it looks like for me.  Physically I’m still healing.  I have all the soreness you would expect after a delivery, just on a much smaller scale.  Today my milk came in {TMI for any of you guys, sorry!} which feels like such a cruel joke.  It is a reminder though, of how incredible God has created our bodies and that mine is responding like it should.  I guess that’s a good sign, but it still hurts!

Eric and I both have to face getting back into the routine of work and home life, without a growing baby belly.    We have swimming lessons, work schedules, school activities, and bills to pay.  Life moves on and so must we.

Isaiah Michael, you will never be forgotten and you are always in our hearts.  I feel blessed to have carried you for 16 weeks and we are fortunate to have held you in our arms for the few hours that we had.  You are loved and your short life is not insignificant, but rather holds a much bigger and beautiful purpose.  I’m honored to be your mommy always.