Already 2 Weeks Pregnant!

October 12, 2017October 12, 20171 Comment

You probably read the title and figured I had some really exciting and surprising news to share! Well, I do, but probably not what you’re thinking 🙂

Monday I had my follow up ultrasound to see how my lining and body responded to the extra hormones over the weekend. Thankfully, most everything responded perfectly! My lining went from a 2.4 on Friday to a 9.5 on Monday…..which is awesome news!!! My levels looked mostly good but they did have me up some of the medications I’m on in preparation for transfer.

Transfer is set for Saturday morning…..YAY!!!! I’m feeling so good to finally be at this point in the game. I know there is a lot that still needs to go right, but the fact that we’re not being delayed again feels like a victory that I’m not taking for granted!!!

So why the title?

Well, the 40 week count for any pregnancy actually starts at the beginning of one’s cycle, therefore, I’m actually 2 1/2 weeks pregnant already 😉 The baby{babies} have been conceived, he/she/they just need to implant and continue growing!

Another crazy thing to think about is, these babies-in-the-making were actually conceived over a year ago! Last September is when I did my last egg retrieval and a year ago on 10/8 is when we transferred Isaiah so technically these babes have a year of existence under their belt already….just in the frozen state. Hopefully that means they are hardy and strong and able to make it through to the next stage!

I’m feeling more excited and hopeful then I expected based on our passed experiences. I think a big reason is I know that no matter the outcome, all of this was in God’s plan and He has a purpose for it….even all the crap we’ve gone through to get here. I also have a sense of contentment with being a 3 person family, that I wouldn’t have expected, if that is the ultimate outcome. I’m grateful for the hopeful feelings, but feel even more fortunate to have the contentedness in my heart.

Thanks again for all your prayers, messages and positive thoughts! I appreciate it more than I can relay!!

“You will keep in perfect peace, all who trust in You, all who’s thoughts are fixed on You!” Isaiah 26:3

Act 3 – Scene 2 – Take 7

October 6, 20172 Comments

I’ve been through this play act so many times, it’s got to end eventually, right?! But thus far, my efforts haven’t made the cut and I’m still standing here trying to get it right. I’ve changed medications, regimen, diet, exercise…you name I’ve tried it and it all feels futile!

Incase you can’t tell by the title, we’re preparing for yet another transfer. Still trying for a baby (Act 3), transferring 2 embryos we have frozen already (Scene 2) and our 7th attempt (Take 7) in the last 2 years.

It’s really disheartening when I read that back 😦 I can’t believe I’m still here 2 years later and that I’ve gone through this process 7 times…and I’m still going!!!! I’m either really strong or really stupid…it just depends on who you ask I guess. Which ever it is, I just don’t know how to quit when there is still that chance to bring home a baby. So for now, we just keep going until we know we can’t.

Today I had my follow up appointment to check my lining and see if it’s cooperating this time. The last 2 transfers have been cancelled due to lining issues so I went in to this appointment today expecting the worst but hoping for the best. Unfortunately, we didn’t get what we hoped for.

Instead we found that my lining is still very thin. I’m not left feeling overly confident, but it’s still early and so they’ve changed up my protocol again, added in some additional estrogen pills and shots to give me a boost, and I’ll follow up again on Monday morning to see how things progressed over the weekend.

My biggest fear is that come Monday, things haven’t improved enough and we have to delay again. I’m at the point in this 2 year journey, that I just want to get off the ride! I’ve come to terms that we may be a single kid family. I can handle this. I feel forever fortunate to have the incredible son I have and beyond blessed to be a mom already. But right now, I just feel stuck in limbo. I want to move forward as a family of 3, but while those embryos are sitting in that freezer, I know I will just always wonder “what if” if we don’t thaw them and give it another try. I wish I could skip to the end of the script, read the last chapter to see how it all plays out and prepare myself for my role in life moving forward, but I can’t….

Only the Director {God} knows how this one goes and how my story will unfold on Monday. In the meantime, I’d really appreciate prayers that my body will respond as we hope and that I’m able to report good news after next week’s visit!

God Doesn’t Make Mistakes

August 9, 2017August 9, 2017Leave a comment

Since my last update a lot has changed. It’s been about a month now since my last transfer procedure was cancelled due to an underdeveloped uterine lining. Since then, I’ve had another cycle cancelled and the experts and myself are at a loss as to why. Why did my body decide to start throwing this curve ball now? Why am I not responding to the medications like I have in the passed? Why can’t I just get pregnant already??

Since then my mind has been all over the place. One hour I would feel like I wanted to move forward at all costs, the next I was deciding that maybe being a 3 person family was best. I was on one end of the spectrum to the other and every where in between and all in the same hour sometimes! I found myself confused and unsure on how I wanted to proceed, how I wanted to control the situation.

Over the last two years, my prayers have also been changing. When we started this journey, my prayers were simple and consisted of “please bless and grow our family, please give us this desire”. Then, even before the positive pregnancy test with Isaiah, my prayers changed to “please bless and grow our family, but if that’s not your will, please help me to accept that”. After our loss, they changed again to “give us a baby to replace the one you took and heal this wound”. In the last few weeks, my prayers have changed again. I feel more mature {even though I certainly don’t always act like it} and I find myself coming to peace with the realization that God doesn’t make mistakes. My prayers are now simple again, asking “your will be done in my life”.

So here we are now, at a stand still. 2 years later, no baby and no idea what our future holds. For now, we’re taking some time off. We still have 3 frozen embryos to use and most likely, we’ll use them…..eventually. I’m trying not to be so scheduled, not to make a timeline, not to give myself the illusion that I’m in control of this because as much as I want to be and think I can be, I know that I’m not.

I’m still saddened when I think back over the pain we’ve gone through with all of this, but I’m grateful to be where I am now. I know that even if our future does not include another little one, we still have a future. Life will continue and we will continue to make the most of the life he’s given us.

The Darker Your Storm, The Brighter Your Rainbow

July 12, 2017July 12, 20172 Comments

I saw this phrase today on a billboard on my way to work and it felt so incredibly fitting. I feel like my current storm continues to grow darker and darker, with what feels like no end in sight. Reading the phrase today put a smile on my face and was the reminder that I needed that something beautiful will come of all of this.

We had another set back last week, our storm grew darker still.

On Friday I had another appointment for an ultrasound and labs in preparation for the scheduled FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) we had scheduled for this coming Friday. Unfortunately, they discovered that my lining had thickened up nicely, however there appeared to be cysts within the lining itself and I received the devastating news that our transfer had to be cancelled.

I discussed with the PA the possibility of pushing it back a week, tweaking my meds to see if the lining would shape up, if there was anything we could do to salvage this last 5 weeks of preparation. The answer was no. She informed me that in these situations they typically find that the problem only grows worse and so the only option is to shed the lining and grow a new one.

In all 7 transfers I’ve had leading up to this one, this has never happened to me before. I’ve heard of other women having lining issues, that it won’t thicken to the necessary measurements, but that’s never been a problem for me. My doctor had been concerned for my lining after our miscarriage and D&C, but we were all happily surprised at how well my lining looked before our last failed FET in May. This new development was a surprise to the U/S tech who scanned me, the doctor who reviewed the scans, and the PA who delivered the despairing news to me. But I honestly wasn’t surprised.

I wouldn’t say I was expecting that my lining wouldn’t look good, but I was just anticipating something else standing in the way. In all the past transfers we’ve done, I’ve always asked for work off as soon as I knew the scheduled date, typically 3-4 weeks in advance. But this time, I didn’t. This time I told myself that just incase things didn’t go as planned, I wouldn’t schedule work off until after the appointment on Friday morning. Some might think that my lack of scheduling off work played some kind of role in the negative outcome. I think it was likely just God preparing me for the disheartening news.

The PA couldn’t tell me why the lining didn’t grow like it should have or has in the past, but that likely the way that my medical protocol was switched contributed to it greatly. I thought back on my own lifestyle choices that I had made since the last transfer and compared my diet and exercise from then and now. It was hard not to feel like I had caused this somehow, but it was also impossible to know. So many impossible answers and unknowns in the lottery of IVF.

The PA informed me once I start my cycle again, I’ll come back in and do the scans and review what protocol to go with for the rescheduled FET and that it would likely occur sometime in August, but we couldn’t know when until my cycle starts. I didn’t stick around to ask too many questions, I just wanted to get out of there before I had a serious breakdown. I could see how bad she felt, telling me that even the doctor said “Kayla just can’t catch a break” as she reviewed my scans. Somehow, I found a little comfort in hearing that the staff there is also sharing in the frustration with me. They don’t feel the same kind of hurt I do each time another “storm” pops up, but I know they are hurting with me and continue to want to support me through it.

To say I was feeling disappointment with the news would be a huge understatement. I was angry, just angry, and for so many different reasons. For the first time in the last 22 months since starting this all, I let anger out and didn’t try to veil it with anything nice. I honestly questioned if God truly did have my best interest in his heart for me, if he really does have and want good for my life. I didn’t want anyone to try to cheer me up, I only wanted to be angry…..at least for a few hours.

By mid afternoon, I was feeling some better and Eric and I talked through why this small setback pushed me over my threshold for bad news. In reality, looking from the outside in to our situation, this was a setback by maybe another 4-6 weeks. No big deal, right? WRONG. To me, it was just that, another set back, another thing my body failed me at, another thing keeping me from what I want so badly, something that most other can just have. Waiting another 4-6 weeks may not seem like much to someone not in my shoes, but what I heard was 4-6 weeks of more medications, more doctors appointments, more scans and 4-6 weeks longer I have to wait for the chance to become pregnant. {Remember, still no guarantees!}

I was also looking forward to some finality in all of this. We have been at this for nearly 2 years and it’s taken a toll on both of us emotionally, physically, financially and spiritually. My body, mind and spirit {and wallet} are exhausted by the constant appointments followed by what feels like content bad news. This delay also pushes off any of that finality I was hoping to feel, at least another 4-6 weeks.

As the storm grows darker again, I’m now back to trying to stay positive and think about what I can do in my situation rather than focusing on the thing I’m feeling held down by. I know this storm will come to an end someday and it’s going to have a beautiful, bright rainbow with it. I don’t know what that rainbow looks like, I know it is not guaranteed to be the baby I envision and pray for. Rather, it may be acceptance and peace or it may be self strength and contentedness in what God’s done in my life. Whatever the rainbow, I know there’s a promise from God in it and he continues to watch over and protect me through this storm.

Babies, Babies Everywhere

June 6, 2017June 7, 2017Leave a comment

It feels like a cruel joke that my fertility clinic is located just 20ish feet away from the elevator that all of the expecting mommas get to take to the OB and Delivery floors. I swear every time I go to my fertility clinic I have to walk passed beautiful, big baby bumps or mommy’s being wheeled out to their cars with their new bundles of joy. It seems like a huge design flaw! Whoever planned this layout was obviously not fertility challenged! I want so badly to be able to use that elevator too….but instead I walk straight ahead to my bottom-of-the-totum-pole fertility clinic.

Today was no different. Today I had my blood work and follow up appointment with the doctor to review the results of our last IVF. And just like every other time, I walked passed at least 5 pregnant women, toting their multiple children with them to their pre-natal appointments. I even literally ran into a pregnant women as I was going to use the bathroom…I guess that’s probably a likely place to run into someone who has an active bladder!

I see babies and pregnant mommies every where I go. You can probably relate to me on this. When you want something so badly, like a certain car or a new pair of shoes, you see them EVERYWHERE!!! You’re more susceptible to notice it because you don’t have it, they do, and you WANT it….bad! Well, that’s me with a big ‘ole pregnant belly. I want it so bad, along with the human growing inside!!! It feels like everywhere I turn, there’s another belly or another pregnancy announcement or another beautiful new baby.

Unfortunately, I still don’t get to use that elevator. My belly will not be growing {at least not from baby} and I don’t have any cute baby announcement to make. Instead, I have another failed cycle, another 6 weeks checked off my fertile life-expectancy calendar, 2 more embryo’s gone. Today was the last day I wanted to see babies, babies everywhere.

I knew going into our appointment that the results were what they were. I had tested over the last week and had finally accepted the negative results on Saturday. I quit my meds and waited for the doctor appointment today to discuss what’s next. I had a good cry with my mom on Saturday and tried to focus on the future, hoping that would help make today not quite as hard.

Today, we discussed our next options. We can take a little break again, we can go right at it, we can quit….it’s completely up to us. There’s no reason or answer as to why it didn’t work. Everything looked GREAT! It was suppose to work! I even thought my doctor might start tearing up when she was discussing it all with us. It’s been a long and frustrating road for all of us, me and Eric and the entire fertility clinic staff. They want so badly to help us succeed and they are failing right along with us. Our doctor even offered to give us a referral to another clinic if we felt that might help us. No part of me wants to switch, I really love our doctor and all the staff there. I want to get pregnant HERE!

We decided to move forward with our last 3 embryos and to move on it right away. Physiologically there is no reason that my body can’t. My protocol from the last transfer worked perfectly as far as prepping my body so we are going to stick to that as well. There’s really nothing that we haven’t tried yet, it’s just a matter of getting the right embryo to stick and God answering our desires and prayers. We’re gonna give it another go.

We hear all of the time “I don’t know how you can keep doing this” or “You’re so strong, you don’t deserve this struggle” or “I just can’t imagine going through all this over and over again”. Those are all true statements for someone not in my shoes. If I had never faced this challenge, I would be saying the same thing. How does someone subject themselves to this over and over with the odds stacked against them, knowing failure is the more likely outcome????

When we started IVF almost 2 years ago, I remember discussing our outlook with IVF with our doctor and how some people never succeed {that wouldn’t be us of course}. She told us how when she was in med school she worked at a fertility clinic in Boston. She saw several couples who would try over and over and over because in that state, health insurance companies were required to cover the expense of fertility treatment up to 6x/benefit year. This allows couples the opportunity to try repeatedly without having the financial burden that comes with reproductive therapy. Any type of fertility treatment is expensive to say the least, and so most couples are limited to what they can do because they just don’t have the money and most health insurance policies, don’t cover it….it’s considered elective. Anyway, I remember thinking we could never go through that many failures and continue to try….that would just be too much emotionally.

Well, here we are now. 6 IVF’s into it and no baby. I never thought I’d be able to go through this much bad news, this much hurt, this much devastation and want to continue subjecting myself to is. But when you’re faced with the battle, you can only give up or continue to fight.

So, how can I possibly keep going?? Well, it’s easy. My son.

When I arrived at daycare today, Lincoln was watching for me out the window. When he saw me, a huge smile spread across his face and I knew there was a giant hug waiting for me inside. He playfully hid for a few moments when I came in and then finally jumped out and ran to my arms. I just love being his mom. It is literally the greatest thing ever.

In the car ride home, Lincoln randomly said to me he really wants a sister. He continued to say he just wished “those babies” {aka embryos} would have held on because then he would have a brother or sister pretty soon. We talked about Isaiah a little bit. He knows that Isaiah was due the end of this month and that if Isaiah had “held on” he would soon have a baby brother. It makes him sad, but he’s so resilient at the same time. When I told him the babies didn’t “hold on” again and that I wasn’t pregnant, his response was “That’s OK mommy, we can try again”.

So we will do just that, we will continue the fight. I know that IVF can work and if I had been too scared to give it a try the first time, I wouldn’t have my son. That’s why I can’t give up, I don’t know how to quit, because what I’m fighting for is worth the risk.

It has been a journey so far, sadly one with way more downs than ups, but it’s not over yet.

Here We Go Again

May 22, 2017Leave a comment

In 72 hours, I will be sitting with my feet up, taking it easy and bracing myself for another dreaded 2ww {2 Week Wait}. The week I’ve been longing for is finally here, transfer week, and I could not be more anxious, excited and most of all, scared.

I feel like I have been longingly waiting for this week to get here since the most painful day of my life, the day I met my lifeless son. As I sat in my hospital bed in all my hurt and anger, I knew I wanted to try again. I wanted another shot at a baby and I was willing to put my body through whatever necessary for the chance of a full and healthy pregnancy. In those moments and the months to follow, I never felt fearful, only anxious and impatient. But with every “setback” that followed, it seemed my body understood what my mind did not; that I wasn’t really ready. I needed time to heal, physically and emotionally.

And here I am now, physically prepared, but realizing I’m still emotionally damaged. Don’t get me wrong, I am excited to be here again, but if I’m honest, I’m terrified as well. Eric and I find ourselves preparing for if/when it doesn’t work and having the conversations that I didn’t think I would ever have….that we are close to the end of this road no matter the results. I’m doing my best to think positive, but also preparing for the possibility of another failed round; a self-preservation tactic that is vital to my mental health.

In the next couple of days, I will continue to prepare myself emotionally and physically. On Wednesday morning, I’ll undergo my 6th IVF procedure in under 2 years. My prayer is of course that this will end in success, but I know that even if there is a double pink line in my future, the nerves and fear will only continue. I know that even with the best case scenario, I may still doubt and struggle to feel the unadulterated joy over the life growing in me. I need the strength that only comes from above, then and now, to take my fear and worry away.

In the last 20 months, since we started this journey, I’ve learned that I’m stronger than I ever realized. I have pushed the limits with my body and my mind. I have gained relationships that mean so much to me with women I’ve never met. My marriage has been tested and came out stronger for it. My son has a new understanding of life and of death and speaks with joy of the reunion we will have one day in Heaven. I have discovered that God has meaningful and beautiful purpose even in tragedy.

I pray that these discoveries, rather than fear, would fill my mind in the upcoming days. I pray for peace and reminders that God is in control and that whatever the outcome, His will be done.

A Happy & Difficult Day

May 14, 2017Leave a comment

Last year, on this day that we celebrate all things “Mother”, I wrote my very first blog. For the first time, I exposed myself in a more real and emotional way to anyone who cared to read about my journey to becoming a mommy again. I truly felt called to share my thoughts and experience in hopes that it would not only help me to process what I was going through, but also to help anyone else struggling through this difficult venture. I can hardly believe it’s been a year already.

In that year, there have been many emotions. I have cried tears of sorrow and tears of joy, I have been grateful and I have been angry, I have experienced life followed by death too soon. It’s been a tough year.

Last year when I sat down to write my thoughts out, I was preparing for another cycle of IVF that would end in heartbreak. I didn’t know then what the next year looked like, but I faithfully expected that by my next Mother’s Day, I would be holding a baby in my arms or at the least in my womb.

Instead, I hold my dear Isaiah’s ashes close to my heart nearly every day. The memory of him is always with me and not a single day goes by that I don’t think of him. I never got to feel his strong little kicks, I never saw him take a breath, I never felt his fingers grip mine. But I did get to see him flutter on the screen, heard his beautiful heart beat, and carried him for 16 weeks. I held him close to my body, wrapped in soft blankets and cared for him like any mommy would. I am still a mommy again this Mother’s Day, just not how I envisioned it.

I woke up this morning, excited to receive my hand made card and a booklet of drawings Lincoln made at school for me. I did not anticipate the hurt I would be feeling today, the sadness of seeing no baby bump under my dress, the envy I would feel of others who have not experienced infertility and loss. I wasn’t expecting the emotions I found myself having as I sat in church surrounded by happy families and their happy mothers. This Mother’s Day is harder for me than the last.

This year, I am that much more aware that I need to count my blessings and be grateful for the child I have with me on Earth. I realize the hurt that so many other women are feeling, women who have not been able to experience motherhood and who dread this day. I have been there and you are not alone or forgotten on this happy and difficult day.

I am so fortunate to know the joy {and craziness} of motherhood and to live it everyday, but I will also still always know the pain of infertility and loss. Today of all days, be kind to your mothers and be grateful for everything they have done and sacrificed for you, but please also remember and pray for the childless, that they too would someday share in the joy of this day and have children to celebrate over them.

A Great Report

May 5, 2017Leave a comment

Anymore, I always brace myself for bad news when going in to see the doctor. I hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. Today was no different.

Today I had my baseline ultrasound for our next IVF cycle. I haven’t been in since my last surgery and didn’t know what to expect today. We hoped to see a clear picture on the ultrasound, a smooth surface to work with for our next transfer, and that is just what we found!!!!!

The uterine lining was thin {what we want to see at this point} and my hormone levels were nice and low {another great sign!} and physically, I look ready to go. Emotionally, I think it will get harder again when we get closer to transfer, but I’m ready to move forward. We scheduled my next appointments and got the scripts for my meds and reviewed the process. My doctor is changing up nearly everything we’re doing. I won’t have to take nearly as many shots {awesome news!} and may not need to use the estrogen patches that make me break out in rashes and itch uncontrollably {another win!}. She is concerned however, with my lining and how it may or may not progress.

The uterine lining is important for the embryo to implant. It has to reach a certain thickness or implantation would be impossible. I’ve never had issues with my lining in the past, always been great in that area actually, but D&C’s and miscarriages are known to wreak havoc on this apparently 😦 I was instructed to take some over the counter supplements as well as cut caffeine out. Apparently caffeine makes a significant difference to the blood flow….and I’m more than eager to give that up if it means the difference between a transfer and no transfer! I’ll also be starting acupuncture again to reduce stress and also promote the lining!

I’ve already started on some oral estrogen today and will follow up in a week to do blood work to ensure the dosage I’m taking is working. The following week I’ll have another ultrasound and then some more labs. And then, as long as all goes well between now and then and my body responds as it should, the big day is scheduled for May 24th!!!! I’m beyond excited to finally have this on the books!

The memory of the miscarriage is still always close and the fear of it happening again is always there. I would be over 7 months at this point if life had not taken a different path. I’m reminded of that every time I see someone with a cute baby bump or hear of another pregnancy announcement or see a sweet newborn. This is always conflicting for me. I’m happy for the healthy pregnancy and babies others are experiencing, but it still hurts to envision where I would have been in my own. I make the very conscious decision to not dwell in what could have been and move forward with where I am now in life. I think about the positives I have all around me, I’ll flip through our photos of Isaiah, and I think through how this tragedy has brought me closer to friends and family and deepened my faith. Those are truly positive things!!!

Overall, this was a really good day! To top it off, it’s Friday and it’s GORGEOUS outside!

A Quick Prayer Request

March 26, 20171 Comment

Hey all, just wanted to put a quick update and prayer request out there!

This last week has been a little easier, I have felt less anxious and have had several reminders that God is bigger than all of this and He has me in His arms. Thank you for your prayers, kind words and support as we continue to navigate this bumpy road.

I had an appointment with my doctor on Thursday just to follow up from the DNC from a couple of weeks ago. My healing has been a little on the slow side, but I’m finally starting to feel more like myself again physically. The doctor confirmed that all of the tests they ran after the DNC, biopsy and blood work, all came back normal. No inflammation of the uterine lining, no infection….BUT {there is always a BUT!!!!} it’s possible I will have to have another DNC this week 😦

I’ll go in this week sometime {no date set yet} and will have a repeat SIS. This is the procedure I had a few weeks ago when they discovered the left over placenta and I had to be taken for the emergency DNC. This is again just to ensure that my lining is clear of any blood clots, polyps, and of course, any additional lingering placenta. If all is clear, we will move forward in the next few weeks with IVF. If there is left over placenta, another DNC will be necessary.

We are praying for good results, that everything will be clear and we get the green light. Eric has been instructed that he WILL be at this appointment with me…..both myself and Eric {and my doctor!} don’t want to run the risk of a 3rd phone call telling him to rush to the hospital.

So can I be honest? I’m struggling to stay positive about this procedure. I’m preparing myself for the worst, for another set back, for more bad news because it’s easier to deal with if I’m already expecting it. I know that thinking negatively will certainly not sway the odds in my favor, but I feel like neither will staying positive. So honestly, I’m just trying to stay neutral, give it to God and trust that He will never leave our sides, that He still has a plan for all of this.

We would love for your prayers to surround us again this week. We know that God hears each prayer and works powerfully through them. I feel so much more at peace knowing that we have the backing of a praying army, encouraging us, lifting our spirits, and praying for our desire of another child to become a reality. Thank you!!!

The “D” Word

March 18, 2017March 18, 2017Leave a comment

When Eric and I first realized that our path to parenthood was going to be a struggle, I was embarrassed. I’ve shared before that for the first few years, we didn’t tell anyone except for a few family members, that we were even trying to concieve. When others asked about our plans for kids, we would force a smile and tell a small lie, saying “when it happens, it happens” or “we’re not in a huge rush for kids yet”, all the while dying inside. It hurt so much keeping that secret and with every inquiry, I felt more alone and more like a failure.

Then we reached the point of fertility assistance and I couldn’t keep the lie going. For several reasons, we decided to put it out there to all of our family, friends, co-workers and anyone else who cared to ask. The first few times admitting our shortcoming out loud, was tough. Even though we had no control over our situation, I still felt shame associated with our infertility and by keeping that secret in the dark for so long, my shame about it had grown more and more.

But as we shared our situation, it got more comfortable to talk about. No one shunned us for being infertile, no one laughed in our faces for not being able to “get the job done”. Nobody judged us or thought less of us. Instead, we received support, prayers, hugs, numerous “I-had-no-idea”‘s, and so many more positive things. By shedding light on our burden, I was able to breathe again, the weight of it felt lifted off our shoulders, and it was one less distraction as we went through IVF. I wished I had been strong enough not to carry that secret and sought support sooner!

I lead with this backstory, because I’m about to open up again about a very real struggle I’m currently facing. It’s a struggle that I again have no control over and that anyone who knows what our last couple months have looked like, let alone our last 1 1/2 years, would likely expect to be there. But even knowing all of that, I’ve still kept this in the dark, not wanting to say it out loud, letting this “secret” grow and cloud my mind and invade every happy space I have.

Last night this struggle finally came to head and I knew I had to say it out loud to Eric or it would consume all of me. Being healthy mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically for my husband, son and self is more important to me than my pride. It had to come out.

When I finally spoke the word out loud, the ugly “D” word, and shed light to it, I again felt that sense of freedom, like I could breathe again, and that the grip it had over me, loosened. It felt good to share that burden, to know I wasn’t in it alone anymore, and so I want to share it with you all as well and hope that I’ll receive the same kind of support I did when we admitted our struggle with infertility. I don’t want this looming over my every thought, stealing away the joy in front of me right now. I want to feel like me again.

Since losing Isaiah, I’ve been battling depression and have been fighting it alone. Some days I feel fine, and others are really low. I struggle to find the positive things in life right now. It’s really hard to admit, but I have honestly had the thought that not being here anymore would just be easier. I wouldn’t have to face this loss and grief anymore, my stress at work would be gone, and I would get to be with my Isaiah and hold him again. Even though I have all kinds of supportive, loving and caring people around me {and I thank each of you deeply, because there really are sooooo many of you}, I’ve still felt low and in the dumps. I have so badly wanted to be strong and face these hard times with a positive attitude, that I’ve put on a front, even to myself, that I’m better than I really am.

Now before you get too alarmed, no I have not had thoughts of harming myself and I still know the amazing things I do have in my life, but I’m just having a hard time enjoying them to their fullest right now. I’m not at a place where I would want to throw away being Eric’s wife or Lincoln’s mom because life is too much. I can still see the blessings in front of me but I’m not able to be the best blessing to them right now because of where my head and heart are at.

I want to shed light to this sickness inside of me right now, so that God can use it for His glory rather than the devil, and I want to feel happy and be positive again! I know that I am not the only one who has suffered in silence with depression, too afraid to open up about it. I want to be stronger than the urge to hide myself away, and give myself the support I know I’ll receive by sharing.

I hope that if anyone else is reading this and finds themselves in a dark place, that you too would find a safe place and admit how your struggling. Know that you don’t have to broadcast it on a blog to feel better—because honestly, admitting this on a blog is scary! Just admitting it to yourself and to God can be a relief and the first step in the right direction.

Life is hard and every one of us struggles with something. Your struggle may look different than mine, but finding support for the struggle makes all the difference. God never intended for us to do life alone, and so if you are struggling right now, find that safe person and be willing to open yourself up. I know it’s hard, I’m an introvert and would rather keep to myself at all times!!! But God gave me the strength years ago to open up about a personal struggle, and He’s doing it again now. He’ll do the same for you, you just have to take the first step.