You probably read the title and figured I had some really exciting and surprising news to share!  Well, I do, but probably not what you’re thinking 🙂

Monday I had my follow up ultrasound to see how my lining and body responded to the extra hormones over the weekend.  Thankfully, most everything responded perfectly!  My lining went from a 2.4 on Friday to a 9.5 on Monday…..which is awesome news!!!  My levels looked mostly good but they did have me up some of the medications I’m on in preparation for transfer.

Transfer is set for Saturday morning…..YAY!!!!  I’m feeling so good to finally be at this point in the game.  I know there is a lot that still needs to go right, but the fact that we’re not being delayed again feels like a victory that I’m not taking for granted!!!

So why the title?

Well, the 40 week count for any pregnancy actually starts at the beginning of one’s cycle, therefore, I’m actually 2 1/2 weeks pregnant already 😉  The baby{babies} have been conceived, he/she/they just need to implant and continue growing!

Another crazy thing to think about is, these babies-in-the-making were actually conceived over a year ago!  Last September is when I did my last egg retrieval and a year ago on 10/8 is when we transferred Isaiah so technically these babes have a year of existence under their belt already….just in the frozen state.  Hopefully that means they are hardy and strong and able to make it through to the next stage!

I’m feeling more excited and hopeful then I expected based on our passed experiences.  I think a big reason is I know that no matter the outcome, all of this was in God’s plan and He has a purpose for it….even all the crap we’ve gone through to get here. I also have a sense of contentment with being a 3 person family, that I wouldn’t have expected, if that is the ultimate outcome.  I’m grateful for the hopeful feelings, but feel even more fortunate to have the contentedness in my heart.

Thanks again for all your prayers, messages and positive thoughts!  I appreciate it more than I can relay!!

“You will keep in perfect peace, all who trust in You, all who’s thoughts are fixed on You!” Isaiah 26:3

I’ve been through this play act so many times, it’s got to end eventually, right?!  But thus far, my efforts haven’t made the cut and I’m still standing here trying to get it right.  I’ve changed medications, regimen, diet, exercise…you name I’ve tried it and it all feels futile!

Incase you can’t tell by the title, we’re preparing for yet another transfer.  Still trying for a baby (Act 3), transferring 2 embryos we have frozen already (Scene 2) and our 7th attempt (Take 7) in the last 2 years.

It’s really disheartening when I read that back 😦  I can’t believe I’m still here 2 years later and that I’ve gone through this process 7 times…and I’m still going!!!!  I’m either really strong or really stupid…it just depends on who you ask I guess.  Which ever it is, I just don’t know how to quit when there is still that chance to bring home a baby.  So for now, we just keep going until we know we can’t.

Today I had my follow up appointment to check my lining and see if it’s cooperating this time.  The last 2 transfers have been cancelled due to lining issues so I went in to this appointment today expecting the worst but hoping for the best.  Unfortunately, we didn’t get what we hoped for.

Instead we found that my lining is still very thin.  I’m not left feeling overly confident, but it’s still early and so they’ve changed up my protocol again, added in some additional estrogen pills and shots to give me a boost, and I’ll follow up again on Monday morning to see how things progressed over the weekend.

My biggest fear is that come Monday, things haven’t improved enough and we have to delay again.  I’m at the point in this 2 year journey, that I just want to get off the ride!  I’ve come to terms that we may be a single kid family.  I can handle this. I feel forever fortunate to have the incredible son I have and beyond blessed to be a mom already.  But right now, I just feel stuck in limbo.  I want to move forward as a family of 3, but while those embryos are sitting in that freezer, I know I will just always wonder “what if” if we don’t thaw them and give it another try.  I wish I could skip to the end of the script, read the last chapter to see how it all plays out and prepare myself for my role in life moving forward, but I can’t….

Only the Director {God} knows how this one goes and how my story will unfold on Monday.  In the meantime, I’d really appreciate prayers that my body will respond as we hope and that I’m able to report good news after next week’s visit!

Since my last update a lot has changed.  It’s been about a month now since my last transfer procedure was cancelled due to an underdeveloped uterine lining.  Since then, I’ve had another cycle cancelled and the experts and myself are at a loss as to why.  Why did my body decide to start throwing this curve ball now?  Why am I not responding to the medications like I have in the passed?  Why can’t I just get pregnant already??

Since then my mind has been all over the place.  One hour I would feel like I wanted to move forward at all costs, the next I was deciding that maybe being a 3 person family was best.  I was on one end of the spectrum to the other and every where in between and all in the same hour sometimes!  I found myself confused and unsure on how I wanted to proceed, how I wanted to control the situation.

Over the last two years, my prayers have also been changing.  When we started this journey, my prayers were simple and consisted of “please bless and grow our family, please give us this desire”.  Then, even before the positive pregnancy test with Isaiah, my prayers changed to “please bless and grow our family, but if that’s not your will, please help me to accept that”.  After our loss, they changed again to “give us a baby to replace the one you took and heal this wound”.  In the last few weeks, my prayers have changed again.  I feel more mature {even though I certainly don’t always act like it} and I find myself coming to peace with the realization that God doesn’t make mistakes.  My prayers are now simple again, asking “your will be done in my life”.

So here we are now, at a stand still.  2 years later, no baby and no idea what our future holds.  For now, we’re taking some time off.  We still have 3 frozen embryos to use and most likely, we’ll use them…..eventually.  I’m trying not to be so scheduled, not to make a timeline, not to give myself the illusion that I’m in control of this because as much as I want to be and think I can be, I know that I’m not.

I’m still saddened when I think back over the pain we’ve gone through with all of this, but I’m grateful to be where I am now.  I know that even if our future does not include another little one, we still have a future.  Life will continue and we will continue to make the most of the life he’s given us.

I saw this phrase today on a billboard on my way to work and it felt so incredibly fitting. I feel like my current storm continues to grow darker and darker, with what feels like no end in sight.  Reading the phrase today put a smile on my face and was the reminder that I needed that something beautiful will come of all of this.

We had another set back last week, our storm grew darker still.

On Friday I had another appointment for an ultrasound and labs in preparation for the scheduled FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) we had scheduled for this coming Friday.  Unfortunately, they discovered that my lining had thickened up nicely, however there appeared to be cysts within the lining itself and I received the devastating news that our transfer had to be cancelled.

I discussed with the PA the possibility of pushing it back a week, tweaking my meds to see if the lining would shape up, if there was anything we could do to salvage this last 5 weeks of preparation.  The answer was no.  She informed me that in these situations they typically find that the problem only grows worse and so the only option is to shed the lining and grow a new one.

In all 7 transfers I’ve had leading up to this one, this has never happened to me before.  I’ve heard of other women having lining issues, that it won’t thicken to the necessary measurements, but that’s never been a problem for me.  My doctor had been concerned for my lining after our miscarriage and D&C, but we were all happily surprised at how well my lining looked before our last failed FET in May.  This new development was a surprise to the U/S tech who scanned me, the doctor who reviewed the scans, and the PA who delivered the despairing news to me.  But I honestly wasn’t surprised.

I wouldn’t say I was expecting that my lining wouldn’t look good, but I was just anticipating something else standing in the way.  In all the past transfers we’ve done, I’ve always asked for work off as soon as I knew the scheduled date, typically 3-4 weeks in advance.  But this time, I didn’t.  This time I told myself that just incase things didn’t go as planned, I wouldn’t schedule work off until after the appointment on Friday morning.  Some might think that my lack of scheduling off work played some kind of role in the negative outcome.  I think it was likely just God preparing me for the disheartening news.

The PA couldn’t tell me why the lining didn’t grow like it should have or has in the past, but that likely the way that my medical protocol was switched contributed to it greatly.  I thought back on my own lifestyle choices that I had made since the last transfer and compared my diet and exercise from then and now.  It was hard not to feel like I had caused this somehow, but it was also impossible to know.  So many impossible answers and unknowns in the lottery of IVF.

The PA informed me once I start my cycle again, I’ll come back in and do the scans and review what protocol to go with for the rescheduled FET and that it would likely occur sometime in August, but we couldn’t know when until my cycle starts.  I didn’t stick around to ask too many questions, I just wanted to get out of there before I had a serious breakdown.  I could see how bad she felt, telling me that even the doctor said “Kayla just can’t catch a break” as she reviewed my scans.  Somehow, I found a little comfort in hearing that the staff there is also sharing in the frustration with me.  They don’t feel the same kind of hurt I do each time another “storm” pops up, but I know they are hurting with me and continue to want to support me through it.

To say I was feeling disappointment with the news would be a huge understatement.  I was angry, just angry, and for so many different reasons.  For the first time in the last 22 months since starting this all, I let anger out and didn’t try to veil it with anything nice.  I honestly questioned if God truly did have my best interest in his heart for me, if he really does have and want good for my life.  I didn’t want anyone to try to cheer me up, I only wanted to be angry…..at least for a few hours.

By mid afternoon, I was feeling some better and Eric and I talked through why this small setback pushed me over my threshold for bad news. In reality, looking from the outside in to our situation, this was a setback by maybe another 4-6 weeks.  No big deal, right?  WRONG.  To me, it was just that, another set back, another thing my body failed me at, another thing keeping me from what I want so badly, something that most other can just have. Waiting another 4-6 weeks may not seem like much to someone not in my shoes, but what I heard was 4-6 weeks of more medications, more doctors appointments, more scans and 4-6 weeks longer I have to wait for the chance to become pregnant.  {Remember, still no guarantees!}

I was also looking forward to some finality in all of this.  We have been at this for nearly 2 years and it’s taken a toll on both of us emotionally, physically, financially and spiritually.  My body, mind and spirit {and wallet} are exhausted by the constant appointments followed by what feels like content bad news.  This delay also pushes off any of that finality I was hoping to feel, at least another 4-6 weeks.

As the storm grows darker again, I’m now back to trying to stay positive and think about what I can do in my situation rather than focusing on the thing I’m feeling held down by.  I know this storm will come to an end someday and it’s going to have a beautiful, bright rainbow with it.  I don’t know what that rainbow looks like, I know it is not guaranteed to be the baby I envision and pray for.  Rather, it may be acceptance and peace or it may be self strength and contentedness in what God’s done in my life.  Whatever the rainbow, I know there’s a promise from God in it and he continues to watch over and protect me through this storm.

In 72 hours, I will be sitting with my feet up, taking it easy and bracing myself for another dreaded 2ww {2 Week Wait}.  The week I’ve been longing for is finally here, transfer week, and I could not be more anxious, excited and most of all, scared.

I feel like I have been longingly waiting for this week to get here since the most painful day of my life, the day I met my lifeless son.  As I sat in my hospital bed in all my hurt and anger, I knew I wanted to try again.  I wanted another shot at a baby and I was willing to put my body through whatever necessary for the chance of a full and healthy pregnancy.  In those moments and the months to follow, I never felt fearful, only anxious and impatient.  But with every “setback” that followed, it seemed my body understood what my mind did not; that I wasn’t really ready.  I needed time to heal, physically and emotionally.

And here I am now, physically prepared, but realizing I’m still emotionally damaged.  Don’t get me wrong, I am excited to be here again, but if I’m honest, I’m terrified as well.  Eric and I find ourselves preparing for if/when it doesn’t work and having the conversations that I didn’t think I would ever have….that we are close to the end of this road no matter the results.  I’m doing my best to think positive, but also preparing for the possibility of another failed round; a self-preservation tactic that is vital to my mental health.

In the next couple of days, I will continue to prepare myself emotionally and physically.  On Wednesday morning, I’ll undergo my 6th IVF procedure in under 2 years.  My prayer is of course that this will end in success, but I know that even if there is a double pink line in my future, the nerves and fear will only continue.  I know that even with the best case scenario, I may still doubt and struggle to feel the unadulterated joy over the life growing in me.  I need the strength that only comes from above, then and now, to take my fear and worry away.

In the last 20 months, since we started this journey, I’ve learned that I’m stronger than I ever realized.  I have pushed the limits with my body and my mind.  I have gained relationships that mean so much to me with women I’ve never met.  My marriage has been tested and came out stronger for it.  My son has a new understanding of life and of death and speaks with joy of the reunion we will have one day in Heaven.  I have discovered that God has meaningful and beautiful purpose even in tragedy.

I pray that these discoveries, rather than fear, would fill my mind in the upcoming days.  I pray for peace and reminders that God is in control and that whatever the outcome, His will be done.

Hey all, just wanted to put a quick update and prayer request out there!

This last week has been a little easier, I have felt less anxious and have had several reminders that God is bigger than all of this and He has me in His arms.  Thank you for your prayers, kind words and support as we continue to navigate this bumpy road.

I had an appointment with my doctor on Thursday just to follow up from the DNC from a couple of weeks ago.  My healing has been a little on the slow side, but I’m finally starting to feel more like myself again physically.  The doctor confirmed that all of the tests they ran after the DNC, biopsy and blood work, all came back normal.  No inflammation of the uterine lining, no infection….BUT {there is always a BUT!!!!} it’s possible I will have to have another DNC this week 😦

I’ll go in this week sometime {no date set yet} and will have a repeat SIS.  This is the procedure I had a few weeks ago when they discovered the left over placenta and I had to be taken for the emergency DNC.  This is again just to ensure that my lining is clear of any blood clots, polyps, and of course, any additional lingering placenta.  If all is clear, we will move forward in the next few weeks with IVF.  If there is left over placenta, another DNC will be necessary.

We are praying for good results, that everything will be clear and we get the green light.  Eric has been instructed that he WILL be at this appointment with me…..both myself and Eric {and my doctor!} don’t want to run the risk of a 3rd phone call telling him to rush to the hospital.

So can I be honest?  I’m struggling to stay positive about this procedure.  I’m preparing myself for the worst, for another set back, for more bad news because it’s easier to deal with if I’m already expecting it.  I know that thinking negatively will certainly not sway the odds in my favor, but I feel like neither will staying positive.  So honestly, I’m just trying to stay neutral, give it to God and trust that He will never leave our sides, that He still has a plan for all of this.

We would love for your prayers to surround us again this week.  We know that God hears each prayer and works powerfully through them.  I feel so much more at peace knowing that we have the backing of a praying army, encouraging us, lifting our spirits, and praying for our desire of another child to become a reality.  Thank you!!!