The Darker Your Storm, The Brighter Your Rainbow

July 12, 2017July 12, 20172 Comments

I saw this phrase today on a billboard on my way to work and it felt so incredibly fitting. I feel like my current storm continues to grow darker and darker, with what feels like no end in sight. Reading the phrase today put a smile on my face and was the reminder that I needed that something beautiful will come of all of this.

We had another set back last week, our storm grew darker still.

On Friday I had another appointment for an ultrasound and labs in preparation for the scheduled FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) we had scheduled for this coming Friday. Unfortunately, they discovered that my lining had thickened up nicely, however there appeared to be cysts within the lining itself and I received the devastating news that our transfer had to be cancelled.

I discussed with the PA the possibility of pushing it back a week, tweaking my meds to see if the lining would shape up, if there was anything we could do to salvage this last 5 weeks of preparation. The answer was no. She informed me that in these situations they typically find that the problem only grows worse and so the only option is to shed the lining and grow a new one.

In all 7 transfers I’ve had leading up to this one, this has never happened to me before. I’ve heard of other women having lining issues, that it won’t thicken to the necessary measurements, but that’s never been a problem for me. My doctor had been concerned for my lining after our miscarriage and D&C, but we were all happily surprised at how well my lining looked before our last failed FET in May. This new development was a surprise to the U/S tech who scanned me, the doctor who reviewed the scans, and the PA who delivered the despairing news to me. But I honestly wasn’t surprised.

I wouldn’t say I was expecting that my lining wouldn’t look good, but I was just anticipating something else standing in the way. In all the past transfers we’ve done, I’ve always asked for work off as soon as I knew the scheduled date, typically 3-4 weeks in advance. But this time, I didn’t. This time I told myself that just incase things didn’t go as planned, I wouldn’t schedule work off until after the appointment on Friday morning. Some might think that my lack of scheduling off work played some kind of role in the negative outcome. I think it was likely just God preparing me for the disheartening news.

The PA couldn’t tell me why the lining didn’t grow like it should have or has in the past, but that likely the way that my medical protocol was switched contributed to it greatly. I thought back on my own lifestyle choices that I had made since the last transfer and compared my diet and exercise from then and now. It was hard not to feel like I had caused this somehow, but it was also impossible to know. So many impossible answers and unknowns in the lottery of IVF.

The PA informed me once I start my cycle again, I’ll come back in and do the scans and review what protocol to go with for the rescheduled FET and that it would likely occur sometime in August, but we couldn’t know when until my cycle starts. I didn’t stick around to ask too many questions, I just wanted to get out of there before I had a serious breakdown. I could see how bad she felt, telling me that even the doctor said “Kayla just can’t catch a break” as she reviewed my scans. Somehow, I found a little comfort in hearing that the staff there is also sharing in the frustration with me. They don’t feel the same kind of hurt I do each time another “storm” pops up, but I know they are hurting with me and continue to want to support me through it.

To say I was feeling disappointment with the news would be a huge understatement. I was angry, just angry, and for so many different reasons. For the first time in the last 22 months since starting this all, I let anger out and didn’t try to veil it with anything nice. I honestly questioned if God truly did have my best interest in his heart for me, if he really does have and want good for my life. I didn’t want anyone to try to cheer me up, I only wanted to be angry…..at least for a few hours.

By mid afternoon, I was feeling some better and Eric and I talked through why this small setback pushed me over my threshold for bad news. In reality, looking from the outside in to our situation, this was a setback by maybe another 4-6 weeks. No big deal, right? WRONG. To me, it was just that, another set back, another thing my body failed me at, another thing keeping me from what I want so badly, something that most other can just have. Waiting another 4-6 weeks may not seem like much to someone not in my shoes, but what I heard was 4-6 weeks of more medications, more doctors appointments, more scans and 4-6 weeks longer I have to wait for the chance to become pregnant. {Remember, still no guarantees!}

I was also looking forward to some finality in all of this. We have been at this for nearly 2 years and it’s taken a toll on both of us emotionally, physically, financially and spiritually. My body, mind and spirit {and wallet} are exhausted by the constant appointments followed by what feels like content bad news. This delay also pushes off any of that finality I was hoping to feel, at least another 4-6 weeks.

As the storm grows darker again, I’m now back to trying to stay positive and think about what I can do in my situation rather than focusing on the thing I’m feeling held down by. I know this storm will come to an end someday and it’s going to have a beautiful, bright rainbow with it. I don’t know what that rainbow looks like, I know it is not guaranteed to be the baby I envision and pray for. Rather, it may be acceptance and peace or it may be self strength and contentedness in what God’s done in my life. Whatever the rainbow, I know there’s a promise from God in it and he continues to watch over and protect me through this storm.

Always In My Heart

June 27, 2017Leave a comment

I’ve looked to this day, June 27, 2017, with dread and despair. Today is the day I should be anticipating your arrival, counting the hours until I could hold you in my arms and stare at your sweet face. Today was supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life.

Instead of meeting you for the first time, I’m left with only painful memories. It feels like only yesterday that I discovered you had left this world too early and I learned that I would not hear your cries, I would never see your smile and I could not know your spirit in this lifetime. That day haunts me still and I will never forget the crush of loosing you too soon.

My love for you knows no end and not a day will ever go by that you won’t cross my mind. You are missed by me, your daddy and your big brother and we dream of you often. I smile when I think of the day that I will finally feel your arms around my neck and hear you call me mommy. What an amazing day that will be!

For the last 6 months, I have prayed for peace and healing and tried to imagine how I would handle this day. I envisioned lots of tears, locking myself in my house and stuffing my face with something delicious to distract me from all the feelings. But thankfully, our God is so good and he has answered my prayers. I’m still sad, hurt and confused and even sometimes angry, but I’m also healing and have a comfort in my situation that I can’t really understand or explain. I know this acceptance and contentedness can only come from above and am grateful for that.

Until we meet on the other side of life, you will always be in my heart. I am always your mommy, you are always my son and you are forever loved and missed.

Babies, Babies Everywhere

June 6, 2017June 7, 2017Leave a comment

It feels like a cruel joke that my fertility clinic is located just 20ish feet away from the elevator that all of the expecting mommas get to take to the OB and Delivery floors. I swear every time I go to my fertility clinic I have to walk passed beautiful, big baby bumps or mommy’s being wheeled out to their cars with their new bundles of joy. It seems like a huge design flaw! Whoever planned this layout was obviously not fertility challenged! I want so badly to be able to use that elevator too….but instead I walk straight ahead to my bottom-of-the-totum-pole fertility clinic.

Today was no different. Today I had my blood work and follow up appointment with the doctor to review the results of our last IVF. And just like every other time, I walked passed at least 5 pregnant women, toting their multiple children with them to their pre-natal appointments. I even literally ran into a pregnant women as I was going to use the bathroom…I guess that’s probably a likely place to run into someone who has an active bladder!

I see babies and pregnant mommies every where I go. You can probably relate to me on this. When you want something so badly, like a certain car or a new pair of shoes, you see them EVERYWHERE!!! You’re more susceptible to notice it because you don’t have it, they do, and you WANT it….bad! Well, that’s me with a big ‘ole pregnant belly. I want it so bad, along with the human growing inside!!! It feels like everywhere I turn, there’s another belly or another pregnancy announcement or another beautiful new baby.

Unfortunately, I still don’t get to use that elevator. My belly will not be growing {at least not from baby} and I don’t have any cute baby announcement to make. Instead, I have another failed cycle, another 6 weeks checked off my fertile life-expectancy calendar, 2 more embryo’s gone. Today was the last day I wanted to see babies, babies everywhere.

I knew going into our appointment that the results were what they were. I had tested over the last week and had finally accepted the negative results on Saturday. I quit my meds and waited for the doctor appointment today to discuss what’s next. I had a good cry with my mom on Saturday and tried to focus on the future, hoping that would help make today not quite as hard.

Today, we discussed our next options. We can take a little break again, we can go right at it, we can quit….it’s completely up to us. There’s no reason or answer as to why it didn’t work. Everything looked GREAT! It was suppose to work! I even thought my doctor might start tearing up when she was discussing it all with us. It’s been a long and frustrating road for all of us, me and Eric and the entire fertility clinic staff. They want so badly to help us succeed and they are failing right along with us. Our doctor even offered to give us a referral to another clinic if we felt that might help us. No part of me wants to switch, I really love our doctor and all the staff there. I want to get pregnant HERE!

We decided to move forward with our last 3 embryos and to move on it right away. Physiologically there is no reason that my body can’t. My protocol from the last transfer worked perfectly as far as prepping my body so we are going to stick to that as well. There’s really nothing that we haven’t tried yet, it’s just a matter of getting the right embryo to stick and God answering our desires and prayers. We’re gonna give it another go.

We hear all of the time “I don’t know how you can keep doing this” or “You’re so strong, you don’t deserve this struggle” or “I just can’t imagine going through all this over and over again”. Those are all true statements for someone not in my shoes. If I had never faced this challenge, I would be saying the same thing. How does someone subject themselves to this over and over with the odds stacked against them, knowing failure is the more likely outcome????

When we started IVF almost 2 years ago, I remember discussing our outlook with IVF with our doctor and how some people never succeed {that wouldn’t be us of course}. She told us how when she was in med school she worked at a fertility clinic in Boston. She saw several couples who would try over and over and over because in that state, health insurance companies were required to cover the expense of fertility treatment up to 6x/benefit year. This allows couples the opportunity to try repeatedly without having the financial burden that comes with reproductive therapy. Any type of fertility treatment is expensive to say the least, and so most couples are limited to what they can do because they just don’t have the money and most health insurance policies, don’t cover it….it’s considered elective. Anyway, I remember thinking we could never go through that many failures and continue to try….that would just be too much emotionally.

Well, here we are now. 6 IVF’s into it and no baby. I never thought I’d be able to go through this much bad news, this much hurt, this much devastation and want to continue subjecting myself to is. But when you’re faced with the battle, you can only give up or continue to fight.

So, how can I possibly keep going?? Well, it’s easy. My son.

When I arrived at daycare today, Lincoln was watching for me out the window. When he saw me, a huge smile spread across his face and I knew there was a giant hug waiting for me inside. He playfully hid for a few moments when I came in and then finally jumped out and ran to my arms. I just love being his mom. It is literally the greatest thing ever.

In the car ride home, Lincoln randomly said to me he really wants a sister. He continued to say he just wished “those babies” {aka embryos} would have held on because then he would have a brother or sister pretty soon. We talked about Isaiah a little bit. He knows that Isaiah was due the end of this month and that if Isaiah had “held on” he would soon have a baby brother. It makes him sad, but he’s so resilient at the same time. When I told him the babies didn’t “hold on” again and that I wasn’t pregnant, his response was “That’s OK mommy, we can try again”.

So we will do just that, we will continue the fight. I know that IVF can work and if I had been too scared to give it a try the first time, I wouldn’t have my son. That’s why I can’t give up, I don’t know how to quit, because what I’m fighting for is worth the risk.

It has been a journey so far, sadly one with way more downs than ups, but it’s not over yet.

Here We Go Again

May 22, 2017Leave a comment

In 72 hours, I will be sitting with my feet up, taking it easy and bracing myself for another dreaded 2ww {2 Week Wait}. The week I’ve been longing for is finally here, transfer week, and I could not be more anxious, excited and most of all, scared.

I feel like I have been longingly waiting for this week to get here since the most painful day of my life, the day I met my lifeless son. As I sat in my hospital bed in all my hurt and anger, I knew I wanted to try again. I wanted another shot at a baby and I was willing to put my body through whatever necessary for the chance of a full and healthy pregnancy. In those moments and the months to follow, I never felt fearful, only anxious and impatient. But with every “setback” that followed, it seemed my body understood what my mind did not; that I wasn’t really ready. I needed time to heal, physically and emotionally.

And here I am now, physically prepared, but realizing I’m still emotionally damaged. Don’t get me wrong, I am excited to be here again, but if I’m honest, I’m terrified as well. Eric and I find ourselves preparing for if/when it doesn’t work and having the conversations that I didn’t think I would ever have….that we are close to the end of this road no matter the results. I’m doing my best to think positive, but also preparing for the possibility of another failed round; a self-preservation tactic that is vital to my mental health.

In the next couple of days, I will continue to prepare myself emotionally and physically. On Wednesday morning, I’ll undergo my 6th IVF procedure in under 2 years. My prayer is of course that this will end in success, but I know that even if there is a double pink line in my future, the nerves and fear will only continue. I know that even with the best case scenario, I may still doubt and struggle to feel the unadulterated joy over the life growing in me. I need the strength that only comes from above, then and now, to take my fear and worry away.

In the last 20 months, since we started this journey, I’ve learned that I’m stronger than I ever realized. I have pushed the limits with my body and my mind. I have gained relationships that mean so much to me with women I’ve never met. My marriage has been tested and came out stronger for it. My son has a new understanding of life and of death and speaks with joy of the reunion we will have one day in Heaven. I have discovered that God has meaningful and beautiful purpose even in tragedy.

I pray that these discoveries, rather than fear, would fill my mind in the upcoming days. I pray for peace and reminders that God is in control and that whatever the outcome, His will be done.

A Happy & Difficult Day

May 14, 2017Leave a comment

Last year, on this day that we celebrate all things “Mother”, I wrote my very first blog. For the first time, I exposed myself in a more real and emotional way to anyone who cared to read about my journey to becoming a mommy again. I truly felt called to share my thoughts and experience in hopes that it would not only help me to process what I was going through, but also to help anyone else struggling through this difficult venture. I can hardly believe it’s been a year already.

In that year, there have been many emotions. I have cried tears of sorrow and tears of joy, I have been grateful and I have been angry, I have experienced life followed by death too soon. It’s been a tough year.

Last year when I sat down to write my thoughts out, I was preparing for another cycle of IVF that would end in heartbreak. I didn’t know then what the next year looked like, but I faithfully expected that by my next Mother’s Day, I would be holding a baby in my arms or at the least in my womb.

Instead, I hold my dear Isaiah’s ashes close to my heart nearly every day. The memory of him is always with me and not a single day goes by that I don’t think of him. I never got to feel his strong little kicks, I never saw him take a breath, I never felt his fingers grip mine. But I did get to see him flutter on the screen, heard his beautiful heart beat, and carried him for 16 weeks. I held him close to my body, wrapped in soft blankets and cared for him like any mommy would. I am still a mommy again this Mother’s Day, just not how I envisioned it.

I woke up this morning, excited to receive my hand made card and a booklet of drawings Lincoln made at school for me. I did not anticipate the hurt I would be feeling today, the sadness of seeing no baby bump under my dress, the envy I would feel of others who have not experienced infertility and loss. I wasn’t expecting the emotions I found myself having as I sat in church surrounded by happy families and their happy mothers. This Mother’s Day is harder for me than the last.

This year, I am that much more aware that I need to count my blessings and be grateful for the child I have with me on Earth. I realize the hurt that so many other women are feeling, women who have not been able to experience motherhood and who dread this day. I have been there and you are not alone or forgotten on this happy and difficult day.

I am so fortunate to know the joy {and craziness} of motherhood and to live it everyday, but I will also still always know the pain of infertility and loss. Today of all days, be kind to your mothers and be grateful for everything they have done and sacrificed for you, but please also remember and pray for the childless, that they too would someday share in the joy of this day and have children to celebrate over them.

A Great Report

May 5, 2017Leave a comment

Anymore, I always brace myself for bad news when going in to see the doctor. I hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. Today was no different.

Today I had my baseline ultrasound for our next IVF cycle. I haven’t been in since my last surgery and didn’t know what to expect today. We hoped to see a clear picture on the ultrasound, a smooth surface to work with for our next transfer, and that is just what we found!!!!!

The uterine lining was thin {what we want to see at this point} and my hormone levels were nice and low {another great sign!} and physically, I look ready to go. Emotionally, I think it will get harder again when we get closer to transfer, but I’m ready to move forward. We scheduled my next appointments and got the scripts for my meds and reviewed the process. My doctor is changing up nearly everything we’re doing. I won’t have to take nearly as many shots {awesome news!} and may not need to use the estrogen patches that make me break out in rashes and itch uncontrollably {another win!}. She is concerned however, with my lining and how it may or may not progress.

The uterine lining is important for the embryo to implant. It has to reach a certain thickness or implantation would be impossible. I’ve never had issues with my lining in the past, always been great in that area actually, but D&C’s and miscarriages are known to wreak havoc on this apparently 😦 I was instructed to take some over the counter supplements as well as cut caffeine out. Apparently caffeine makes a significant difference to the blood flow….and I’m more than eager to give that up if it means the difference between a transfer and no transfer! I’ll also be starting acupuncture again to reduce stress and also promote the lining!

I’ve already started on some oral estrogen today and will follow up in a week to do blood work to ensure the dosage I’m taking is working. The following week I’ll have another ultrasound and then some more labs. And then, as long as all goes well between now and then and my body responds as it should, the big day is scheduled for May 24th!!!! I’m beyond excited to finally have this on the books!

The memory of the miscarriage is still always close and the fear of it happening again is always there. I would be over 7 months at this point if life had not taken a different path. I’m reminded of that every time I see someone with a cute baby bump or hear of another pregnancy announcement or see a sweet newborn. This is always conflicting for me. I’m happy for the healthy pregnancy and babies others are experiencing, but it still hurts to envision where I would have been in my own. I make the very conscious decision to not dwell in what could have been and move forward with where I am now in life. I think about the positives I have all around me, I’ll flip through our photos of Isaiah, and I think through how this tragedy has brought me closer to friends and family and deepened my faith. Those are truly positive things!!!

Overall, this was a really good day! To top it off, it’s Friday and it’s GORGEOUS outside!

A New Trampoline and a Trip to the ER

April 30, 2017April 30, 20171 Comment

As you all know, we have had a rough couple years. Attempting to become a mommy again has proved to be the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through with failure after failure, a crushing loss and what feels like bad news around every corner. But in it all, I have been so grateful and done my best to remember just how blessed I have already been to become a mommy to our son, Lincoln.

Last night I was reminded how fortunate we have been with our son in the last couple of years. While we have been facing failure, loss, doctor appointment after doctor appointment, surgeries and health concerns for me, Lincoln has been his healthy, happy self. He’s thriving at school, growing like a weed, and fills more and more of my heart every day. I love this little man more than words can say and when things aren’t going my way on the fertility front, I always know I still have him and I am still a mommy to the most incredible little boy.

But last night, a new fear entered my mind. Last night we found ourselves being turned away from the acute care and sent right over to the ER because of some swelling on Lincoln’s neck. Last night, the thoughts of “what if something happened to my strong little man” and memories of our last rotten 20 months flooded in my mind.

Last week Saturday, we purchased our neighbor’s full size trampoline and their grown children would no longer be using. Lincoln was PUMPED!!!! Now, I had my motherly concerns for injury on the trampoline, but at 5 years old, I didn’t figure Linc would be doing any crazy jumps or back flips and it would be another great source of exercise combined with fun for him.

Within the first few hours of it being in our backyard, he had fallen wrong on his neck and complained that it hurt. Mom was gone, dad was home, and dad made the right call to stop the jumping and go inside. Lincoln isn’t one to complain about not feeling well or when something hurts so when he does complain, we know he must really be feeling it.

He complained about his neck a few more times over the next couple of days, but for the most part he was a normal active 5-year-old boy, running all over the place. Thursday morning he started to complain before going to school so I finally got a chiropractor appointment made for him for after school.

At the Chiro’s office, Lincoln was pretty nervous. He’s never been to a chiro before and wasn’t quite sure what was going to happen to his sore neck. When he took off his jacket to lay on the table, the chiro and I both spotted the swelling on his neck at the same time. I kind of pulled a face and made a noise because of how bulged out it was, on the left side more predominately than the right. He looked like a body builder that spent too much time working on his neck! The most surprising part to me was how little he had been complaining and he was still moving and running around like normal. Immediately I was concerned that this was bigger than a sore neck. He was adjusted by the chiro on Thursday, followed by icing and a repeat visit on Friday morning.

Lincoln continued to complain sparingly, although we began to notice his energy seemed down and the swelling seemed to get worse. He still ran no fever and never mentioned anything hurting other than his neck. We started to see that his range of motion appeared limited. By Saturday early evening we decided it was time to take him in.

Neither Eric nor I vocalized the fears each of us were running through in our minds. In the last year we have heard of and known far too many children who have been touched by that ugly “C” word as well as other serious, complicated and rare diseases. Because of this and all the other tragedy that has been our lifestyle in the last several months, we were primed for our minds to go there with our son. As we sat in the waiting room, neither of us would utter that fear, but we each knew it was there. A part of me told myself I was over reacting, Lincoln was acting fine mostly, we should have just saved the ER charge and gone to see his PCP on Monday. But the mommy in me would spare no expense to find out what was ailing my baby.

The ER was packed when we got there and we knew it was going to be a long wait. Lincoln watched Netflix to pass the time and after about 30 minutes, my sister-in-law {who happens to be one of the best ER/Flight nurses Sanford has….maybe I’m biased!} stopped by. She wasn’t working that shift, but she came to the waiting area to check on us and Lincoln anyways. She immediately noticed the swelling and could see Lincoln wince when pressure applied to his sweet little neck. She checked over his back, spine and neck. Everything really seemed ok. Then she checked his throat….there wasn’t much for an airway! His tonsils looked inflamed and his throat {what could be seen} was red. She obviously could not tell me what was going on, tests would need to be ran, but it was evident his body was fighting something. She put my mind at ease, I began to think this is maybe unrelated to the fall on the trampoline and something bacterial and would be very treatable. We continued to wait and wait and wait.

About 40 minutes later we were finally being called back. Lincoln was tired and had tears in his days, saying that he just wanted to go home. He was bored and he was anxious about what they would be doing there after this long. He had a staph infection on his finger a couple of months ago that popped up out of nowhere. One night it hurt and the next he was getting his finger cut open because it was so puffy and swollen and full of infection. He was tough and braved the slice with no numbing, but that didn’t leave him with much trust in doctors, nurses and this type of facility. Before we left for the acute care, we had assured him they would not be cutting anything and no shots, maybe just X-rays.

The PA visited us several minutes later, got our story, and began checking him over. She too was concerned over the swelling around his neck. She looked in his mouth and agreed that was a lot of swelling, more like bulging, around the back of his throat, and a small airway. She confirmed no fever again and he still was not complaining of anything other than his neck. She swabbed down his throat and looked at us concerned. She hoped this was something infectious, but she really didn’t know at this point. She explained that they would need blood work and run the mono and strep tests, but likely a CT scan would be necessary of his neck with contrast. This would require an IV. My heart sank because I knew this meant a needle, which proved us to be liars in the eyes of our scared son.

The PA left the room and we explained to Lincoln what they needed to do. The alligator tears flowed immediately, the fear and the anxiety was through the roof. He wanted to go home, he did not want to be here and he did not want them to touch him. We did our best to explain the facts and then distract his mind with the movie that was playing. The nurses came back in and on queue the tears began flowing. I sat Lincoln on my lap as I spread out on the bed with him to try to calm him down. At first he refused his arm to the nurse, he wasn’t going to be brave. Reluctantly he eventually gave it over. The nurse explained to him what she would do, and that he needed to be brave. Through his tears I asked that he recite one of his memory verses with me. He did so with gritted teeth and hot, streaming tears.

“Be Strong and Courageous! Do not be afraid! For the Lord, my God, goes with you.” ~Deuteronomy 31:6

I tried to use this fear filled situation {for both he and I} as a teachable moment. To remind all of us that God is in control and He is bigger than this pain, this fear, this trouble. Whatever the outcome, He would go with us.

Soon the needle was in. I tried to shield Lincoln’s eyes and distract him, but he watched with disgust as they drew back the syringe and the blood filled the vile. He angrily questioned the nurse why she was doing this, what was she doing? He screamed that she was hurting him and then turned that anger back on us, his parents, chosen by God to protect him. Why were we allowing this??? I had no answers that would be satisfactory to him. I sat there holding my sweet boy, wishing they were doing this to me instead of him. The idea of all the children and parents who deal with this on a regular basis went through my head. I prayed that this would be our one and only visit to the ER with him, that this would not be our normal like it is for so many others. After the nurses left, he said to us through sobs, “I hate them!” meaning the nurses. We did our best to explain they were doing their job, that they were trying to find out why his neck hurts. But our 5-year-old didn’t care about that, he cared about the emotional scar they were leaving and in his book, they were the bad guys.

Fast forward {because this is getting long…it felt like an eternity!} and we were being taken back for the CT scan. Lincoln was of course anxious about this and fearful of what it would entail. We explained that they were going to take pictures and that this would not hurt. I was allowed to stay with him with my own protective vest on, and we talked through more tears and more fear while the imagines were being captured.

We were wheeled back to the room and told it would be about 90 minutes before the results were in from the scan. We buckled in for a long wait. Lincoln very quickly fell asleep. His poor body was fighting something and he was exhausted from the crying, the emotional fighting, the whole experience. As he slept, Eric and I watch our peaceful fighter, breathing in and out. The ugly thoughts creeped back in. Eric and I acknowledged that we were not going to verbalize the worst, but that we were both fearful of it. We joked about our family being frequent flyers at Sanford between myself and Lincoln, but then somberly thought of families who watch their children endure this stuff regularly. There is castle full of small soldiers on the same campus, fighting their battles. Their parents likely showing no weakness on the front lines, but silently praying all the while. I prayed that we would not be admitted and would soon be going home.

An eternity later, the PA came back in with a smile on her face. I breathed a sigh of relief to see her smile, knowing it was good news. Lincoln’s WBC was at 19,500, he had an obvious infection. The mono test was clear but strep was positive. The CT scans ruled out the worst of the worst and thankfully there was no abscess to drain. His lymph nodes were swollen but with treatment should go down. We were given a script for amoxicillin, some Motrin for Linc before we left, and instructions to follow-up with our PCP on this. She expressed the importance over and over for following up because we caught it now, but it could get worse and it could lead us right back there if we weren’t on top of things.

I thanked God for our results, prayed for quick healing for Lincoln and we were finally heading home.

Last night I was reminded how precious being mommy is to me. I would do anything for my son and to see him hurting and scared, killed me inside for those hours. I was reminded that while we continue to try to grow another little human, not to overlook that I am a mommy already. I was reminded how fortunate we are to have a 5-year-old who has experienced very little sickness and injury in his life. I was reminded to be strong and courageous, not afraid, for my God goes with us always, through the good and the bad.

Today I’m praying thanks again to our God for educated people able to detect this stuff and medicine to heal it. I’m praying healing for those who are sick, who may not have answers to why, and the parents of children who battle the unspeakable day in and day out. The Lord my God goes with you.

The Ugliest, Most Precious Gift

April 15, 2017April 15, 2017Leave a comment

I have felt alone, forgotten, neglected,

But you were there.

I have had heartache, loss and death,

But you never left me.

You have carried me all the while.
I am worn, tired and beaten

As were you.

I have bruises, scars and marks,

So do you.

My hurt does not compare.

To know your darkest hours,

I cannot.

To feel your lonely despair,

I have not.

You have endured far greater pain than I will ever face.
Your death was ugly, unjust and undeserving,

As am I.

The eternal life is precious, priceless and perfect,

As are you.

Today I thank you for the ugliest, most precious gift…..

My salvation.

A Successful Surgery

April 7, 2017April 8, 2017Leave a comment

I had my follow up appointment with another SIS this past Monday. Thankfully this time around I was not rushed for emergency surgery, but they did discover there some still something left over from the DNC last month. The doctor could not tell if it was still a small amount of remaining placenta or if it may be scar tissue. It wasn’t the news that we were praying for, but it still looked a lot better than the beginning of March and we were grateful for this. In either event, it needed to be removed before we could begin IVF again and so another surgery was put on the books.

So today we drove the oh-so-familiar route to the hospital and checked in for surgery once again. I’ve lost count of how many procedures this is now since we started this endeavor nearly 18 months ago. I’ve had the obvious 5 IVF transfers, 2 retrievals, a few polyps removed on a couple different occasions, the horrible miscarriage experience and the unexpected DNC. I’m starting to feel like Sanford is my second home….not exactly the beach vacation destination I wanted, but even more costly!

The surgery went really well and it turned out to be scar tissue. The doctor was able to remove it with no complications and minimal bleeding. I wasn’t able to speak to the doc myself after the procedure, but followed up with her nurses and they informed me that things went so well that this should only push us back 1 week from what we were originally hoping for on our next transfer!!!! Thank you, Jesus!!!!!

I’m recovering really well this afternoon. Typically I’m a little slow to wake up and on occasion have struggled with a lot of nausea and pain coming out of the anesthesia, but this time I woke up with no problems and was up and going within 15 minutes. They gave me some water, a much needed Dt. Coke and some toast {for some reason I just love the buttered toast at the hospital after surgery!} and I was out the door!

Now we wait again. I’ll follow up to my doctor in a couple of weeks to ensure the healing process has gone smoothly. As long as that report is good, we should be able to get started on injections and meds shortly after and shooting for a transfer at the end of May!!!

This week I was again reminded of the preciousness of life and that it is all in God’s hands. The sudden death of my cousin’s mother-in-law, a brain tumor found on my sister-in-law’s young nephew’s brain stem, and the recent birth of another sister-in-law’s new baby….all life changing events, good and bad, and all a part of God’s plan and timing. I often get frustrated with my situation and that I can’t control it, but weeks like this, when I see tragic events and joyous occasions mixed in the live’s of others, I remember to lean into God more and thank Him for what I have been blessed with. Today I am thanking Him for a new baby in the family, praising Him for my successful surgery, and praying comfort over those who’s week was not as good as mine.

A Quick Prayer Request

March 26, 20171 Comment

Hey all, just wanted to put a quick update and prayer request out there!

This last week has been a little easier, I have felt less anxious and have had several reminders that God is bigger than all of this and He has me in His arms. Thank you for your prayers, kind words and support as we continue to navigate this bumpy road.

I had an appointment with my doctor on Thursday just to follow up from the DNC from a couple of weeks ago. My healing has been a little on the slow side, but I’m finally starting to feel more like myself again physically. The doctor confirmed that all of the tests they ran after the DNC, biopsy and blood work, all came back normal. No inflammation of the uterine lining, no infection….BUT {there is always a BUT!!!!} it’s possible I will have to have another DNC this week 😦

I’ll go in this week sometime {no date set yet} and will have a repeat SIS. This is the procedure I had a few weeks ago when they discovered the left over placenta and I had to be taken for the emergency DNC. This is again just to ensure that my lining is clear of any blood clots, polyps, and of course, any additional lingering placenta. If all is clear, we will move forward in the next few weeks with IVF. If there is left over placenta, another DNC will be necessary.

We are praying for good results, that everything will be clear and we get the green light. Eric has been instructed that he WILL be at this appointment with me…..both myself and Eric {and my doctor!} don’t want to run the risk of a 3rd phone call telling him to rush to the hospital.

So can I be honest? I’m struggling to stay positive about this procedure. I’m preparing myself for the worst, for another set back, for more bad news because it’s easier to deal with if I’m already expecting it. I know that thinking negatively will certainly not sway the odds in my favor, but I feel like neither will staying positive. So honestly, I’m just trying to stay neutral, give it to God and trust that He will never leave our sides, that He still has a plan for all of this.

We would love for your prayers to surround us again this week. We know that God hears each prayer and works powerfully through them. I feel so much more at peace knowing that we have the backing of a praying army, encouraging us, lifting our spirits, and praying for our desire of another child to become a reality. Thank you!!!