The dreaded end of summer is upon us and I honestly have no idea where it went!  Lincoln has started kindergarten {mom had watery eyes, but no tears spilled over!}, the leaves are changing color and life keeps going just as fast as ever!

It’s been over a month since I was last at my fertility clinic.  I haven’t gone that long without a doctor visit or lab draw or something for over a year!  No communication with my doctors office, no extra hormones in my system, just cut off cold turkey from it all.  As odd as it might sound, this feels so foreign to me.  For nearly 2 years, I’ve been so scheduled and so monitored that now not having those regular appointments, seems strange.

Adjusting to this new normal has been nice, however my mind has not been able to shut off the thoughts of a baby and adding to our family.  I’ve tried to shift focus to family, work and living in the present but this is proving to be difficult.  I can’t help but wonder about our future and when the “right time” to try again will be.  I haven’t been able to figure out how to turn off this drive to becoming a mommy again.  Maybe I never will.  As difficult as it is to go through the infertility treatment, I find myself wanting to be back there again.

A part of me wonders if it’s because it was my normal for so long?  Or is it because I just keep wanting to fight to control my situation?  I want so badly to keep “moving forward” but feel like God is still telling me I need to “stay put”.

Each pregnancy announcement I hear still holds a little sting.  Every post of a healthy new baby brings me back to my loss and stirs jealousy inside of me that I wish would go away.    I see Isaiah in each of those newborn photos and want so badly to snuggle my sweet angel.

This past week, a co-worker of my husbands shared something so powerful with him. She had been praying for us on her drive to work and she felt something nudging her to tell Eric what God was putting on her heart.  She was nervous to tell him and afraid it might come off “weird”, but she couldn’t shake that feeling that she needed to share it.  She felt God telling her that our family would be alright and that our home would be filled with laughter.  Hearing this brought tears to my eyes, it meant so much.  I realize this does not mean we are necessarily destined to have another child, but rather it was a reminder of exactly what she said: that we will be alright and our home, our current family, is enough to be joyful with.  What brought me to tears was knowing we are still in the thoughts and prayers of others and God is still providing strength and courage through others when we are feeling low.  It was exactly what I needed to hear from someone I hardly know.

For now, I’ll continue to adjust to this new normal and do my best to listen to what God is putting on my heart as well as the hearts of others.