Last year, on this day that we celebrate all things “Mother”, I wrote my very first blog.  For the first time, I exposed myself in a more real and emotional way to anyone who cared to read about my journey to becoming a mommy again.  I truly felt called to share my thoughts and experience in hopes that it would not only help me to process what I was going through, but also to help anyone else struggling through this difficult venture.  I can hardly believe it’s been a year already.

In that year, there have been many emotions.  I have cried tears of sorrow and tears of joy, I have been grateful and I have been angry, I have experienced life followed by death too soon.  It’s been a tough year.

Last year when I sat down to write my thoughts out, I was preparing for another cycle of IVF that would end in heartbreak.  I didn’t know then what the next year looked like, but I faithfully expected that by my next Mother’s Day, I would be holding a baby in my arms or at the least in my womb.

Instead, I hold my dear Isaiah’s ashes close to my heart nearly every day.  The memory of him is always with me and not a single day goes by that I don’t think of him.  I never got to feel his strong little kicks, I never saw him take a breath, I never felt his fingers grip mine.  But I did get to see him flutter on the screen, heard his beautiful heart beat, and carried him for 16 weeks.  I held him close to my body, wrapped in soft blankets and cared for him like any mommy would.  I am still a mommy again this Mother’s Day, just not how I envisioned it.

I woke up this morning, excited to receive my hand made card and a booklet of drawings Lincoln made at school for me.  I did not anticipate the hurt I would be feeling today, the sadness of seeing no baby bump under my dress, the envy I would feel of others who have not experienced infertility and loss.  I wasn’t expecting the emotions I found myself having as I sat in church surrounded by happy families and their happy mothers.  This Mother’s Day is harder for me than the last.

This year, I am that much more aware that I need to count my blessings and be grateful for the child I have with me on Earth.  I realize the hurt that so many other women are feeling, women who have not been able to experience motherhood and who dread this day.  I have been there and you are not alone or forgotten on this happy and difficult day.

I am so fortunate to know the joy {and craziness} of motherhood and to live it everyday, but I will also still always know the pain of infertility and loss.  Today of all days, be kind to your mothers and be grateful for everything they have done and sacrificed for you, but please also remember and pray for the childless, that they too would someday share in the joy of this day and have children to celebrate over them.