Here We Go Again

May 22, 2017Leave a comment

In 72 hours, I will be sitting with my feet up, taking it easy and bracing myself for another dreaded 2ww {2 Week Wait}. The week I’ve been longing for is finally here, transfer week, and I could not be more anxious, excited and most of all, scared.

I feel like I have been longingly waiting for this week to get here since the most painful day of my life, the day I met my lifeless son. As I sat in my hospital bed in all my hurt and anger, I knew I wanted to try again. I wanted another shot at a baby and I was willing to put my body through whatever necessary for the chance of a full and healthy pregnancy. In those moments and the months to follow, I never felt fearful, only anxious and impatient. But with every “setback” that followed, it seemed my body understood what my mind did not; that I wasn’t really ready. I needed time to heal, physically and emotionally.

And here I am now, physically prepared, but realizing I’m still emotionally damaged. Don’t get me wrong, I am excited to be here again, but if I’m honest, I’m terrified as well. Eric and I find ourselves preparing for if/when it doesn’t work and having the conversations that I didn’t think I would ever have….that we are close to the end of this road no matter the results. I’m doing my best to think positive, but also preparing for the possibility of another failed round; a self-preservation tactic that is vital to my mental health.

In the next couple of days, I will continue to prepare myself emotionally and physically. On Wednesday morning, I’ll undergo my 6th IVF procedure in under 2 years. My prayer is of course that this will end in success, but I know that even if there is a double pink line in my future, the nerves and fear will only continue. I know that even with the best case scenario, I may still doubt and struggle to feel the unadulterated joy over the life growing in me. I need the strength that only comes from above, then and now, to take my fear and worry away.

In the last 20 months, since we started this journey, I’ve learned that I’m stronger than I ever realized. I have pushed the limits with my body and my mind. I have gained relationships that mean so much to me with women I’ve never met. My marriage has been tested and came out stronger for it. My son has a new understanding of life and of death and speaks with joy of the reunion we will have one day in Heaven. I have discovered that God has meaningful and beautiful purpose even in tragedy.

I pray that these discoveries, rather than fear, would fill my mind in the upcoming days. I pray for peace and reminders that God is in control and that whatever the outcome, His will be done.

A Happy & Difficult Day

May 14, 2017Leave a comment

Last year, on this day that we celebrate all things “Mother”, I wrote my very first blog. For the first time, I exposed myself in a more real and emotional way to anyone who cared to read about my journey to becoming a mommy again. I truly felt called to share my thoughts and experience in hopes that it would not only help me to process what I was going through, but also to help anyone else struggling through this difficult venture. I can hardly believe it’s been a year already.

In that year, there have been many emotions. I have cried tears of sorrow and tears of joy, I have been grateful and I have been angry, I have experienced life followed by death too soon. It’s been a tough year.

Last year when I sat down to write my thoughts out, I was preparing for another cycle of IVF that would end in heartbreak. I didn’t know then what the next year looked like, but I faithfully expected that by my next Mother’s Day, I would be holding a baby in my arms or at the least in my womb.

Instead, I hold my dear Isaiah’s ashes close to my heart nearly every day. The memory of him is always with me and not a single day goes by that I don’t think of him. I never got to feel his strong little kicks, I never saw him take a breath, I never felt his fingers grip mine. But I did get to see him flutter on the screen, heard his beautiful heart beat, and carried him for 16 weeks. I held him close to my body, wrapped in soft blankets and cared for him like any mommy would. I am still a mommy again this Mother’s Day, just not how I envisioned it.

I woke up this morning, excited to receive my hand made card and a booklet of drawings Lincoln made at school for me. I did not anticipate the hurt I would be feeling today, the sadness of seeing no baby bump under my dress, the envy I would feel of others who have not experienced infertility and loss. I wasn’t expecting the emotions I found myself having as I sat in church surrounded by happy families and their happy mothers. This Mother’s Day is harder for me than the last.

This year, I am that much more aware that I need to count my blessings and be grateful for the child I have with me on Earth. I realize the hurt that so many other women are feeling, women who have not been able to experience motherhood and who dread this day. I have been there and you are not alone or forgotten on this happy and difficult day.

I am so fortunate to know the joy {and craziness} of motherhood and to live it everyday, but I will also still always know the pain of infertility and loss. Today of all days, be kind to your mothers and be grateful for everything they have done and sacrificed for you, but please also remember and pray for the childless, that they too would someday share in the joy of this day and have children to celebrate over them.

A Great Report

May 5, 2017Leave a comment

Anymore, I always brace myself for bad news when going in to see the doctor. I hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. Today was no different.

Today I had my baseline ultrasound for our next IVF cycle. I haven’t been in since my last surgery and didn’t know what to expect today. We hoped to see a clear picture on the ultrasound, a smooth surface to work with for our next transfer, and that is just what we found!!!!!

The uterine lining was thin {what we want to see at this point} and my hormone levels were nice and low {another great sign!} and physically, I look ready to go. Emotionally, I think it will get harder again when we get closer to transfer, but I’m ready to move forward. We scheduled my next appointments and got the scripts for my meds and reviewed the process. My doctor is changing up nearly everything we’re doing. I won’t have to take nearly as many shots {awesome news!} and may not need to use the estrogen patches that make me break out in rashes and itch uncontrollably {another win!}. She is concerned however, with my lining and how it may or may not progress.

The uterine lining is important for the embryo to implant. It has to reach a certain thickness or implantation would be impossible. I’ve never had issues with my lining in the past, always been great in that area actually, but D&C’s and miscarriages are known to wreak havoc on this apparently 😦 I was instructed to take some over the counter supplements as well as cut caffeine out. Apparently caffeine makes a significant difference to the blood flow….and I’m more than eager to give that up if it means the difference between a transfer and no transfer! I’ll also be starting acupuncture again to reduce stress and also promote the lining!

I’ve already started on some oral estrogen today and will follow up in a week to do blood work to ensure the dosage I’m taking is working. The following week I’ll have another ultrasound and then some more labs. And then, as long as all goes well between now and then and my body responds as it should, the big day is scheduled for May 24th!!!! I’m beyond excited to finally have this on the books!

The memory of the miscarriage is still always close and the fear of it happening again is always there. I would be over 7 months at this point if life had not taken a different path. I’m reminded of that every time I see someone with a cute baby bump or hear of another pregnancy announcement or see a sweet newborn. This is always conflicting for me. I’m happy for the healthy pregnancy and babies others are experiencing, but it still hurts to envision where I would have been in my own. I make the very conscious decision to not dwell in what could have been and move forward with where I am now in life. I think about the positives I have all around me, I’ll flip through our photos of Isaiah, and I think through how this tragedy has brought me closer to friends and family and deepened my faith. Those are truly positive things!!!

Overall, this was a really good day! To top it off, it’s Friday and it’s GORGEOUS outside!