Father’s Day….A great day to celebrate my husband, my father, and the other men in my life who are fathers.  This was also the day I chose to take my first at home pregnancy test. I was 10 days out from our procedure at this point. I figured it could be a fantastic gift to my husband….or a crappy way to start the day of celebrating these important men!

As I was expecting, it was a disappointing way to start the day…and week.  No double line, not even a faint resemblance of a line, and no hope that maybe it would still change by Tuesday at our doctors appointment.

Even though I prepared myself for this result, it was still a let down, I still felt numb, angry, sad, disappointed and all of those emotions you would expect.  I shed a couple of tears with my husband, but tried not to focus on this for the entire day.  I decided to quit the medications…I didn’t need to add another bruise from another needle and dose myself with any more unnecessary hormones.  I wasn’t in the mood to hold on to any hope or to keep trying for something that wasn’t there.

I decided I would test again in the morning but that I couldn’t let the day be consumed by this.  I still celebrated Father’s Day, we shared with my parents the results, and left it at that.

Monday morning I tested again.  Still no 2nd line, still the same bitter feelings.  But this time I started to feel less angry and more embarrassed.  Embarrassed because I failed again.  Even though this is out of my control, I still feel like a failure...like I’m up to bat in a game I’m out of my league in, but I continue to try and continue to strike out.

Tuesday, doctor’s appointment day, and I’m dreading the conversation again.  I don’t even want to go, but I know I have to. I have to have this closure to the process and talk through any next steps.  My appointment was in the late afternoon which was ideal because I was swamped at work and I didn’t want this appointment to be running in my head all day.

The nurse brought us to our waiting room, checked us in, and smiled at us saying,

“Big day, huh?!”

I knew she knew the results, she had the lab work back already.  Honestly I was annoyed that she would patronize me.  With a blank look on my face, I simply replied,

“No, not really….this is the 4th one of these appointments this year….not that big of a day…nothing to be excited about.”

I felt kind of bad, like I was throwing a little bit of an adult verbal tantrum.  I could tell she didn’t know how to respond and so she just didn’t.  She finished up and told us the doctor would be in, shyly smiling again as she left.

I felt a little more bad… I didn’t mean to make her uncomfortable, but I also wasn’t that concerned with her feelings in all of this.  I was still trying to process my own and figure out what to do next.

The doctor came in with the big reveal….it didn’t work.  She was very sympathetic, very understanding to how we felt, but had no answers as to why {which I knew she wouldn’t}. She spent a lot more time with us than normal and we talked about our options going forward.  We could take a break, we could try another route, like IUI, or we could go right into it again.

Eric and I already knew, WE NEED A BREAK.  She was very encouraging of this and suggested we just contact the office when we were ready again.   We talked about our odds with IUI and how this is less invasive and less appointments, but ultimately, not as likely to work.  We talked about IVF again and the possibility of genetically testing the embryos next time and what that entails.  She said we’re “prime candidates” for this and it would eliminate any unnecessary attempts of IVF by determining which embryos they would then know wouldn’t result in a pregnancy.  It would potentially eliminate future failed IVF rounds…this sounded great!!!  We then talked about the cost….approximately $4-$5,000, and no coverage with insurance.  We ended the appointment saying we would be in touch when we were ready and walked out of the office.

It felt bittersweet walking out, the door closing behind, knowing I wouldn’t be back to this office for an indefinite amount of time.  I didn’t have the results I wanted, but I felt like I could breathe again, that the burden of IVF was over, even if only temporarily.

I don’t know what’s next.  I can’t say I’m done, I can’t say I’ll never do IVF again, because I’m fairly certain I will.  I’m unsure still of how I’m feeling or how to process the fact that we just did 4 rounds of IVF and none of them worked! A part of me wishes I never had the opportunity through our new health insurance to try it.  I used to be content with 1 child.  Now I have the idea in my head of adding to our little family and I might have to get back to being content.  It was hard enough getting there the first time!

What I do know is, I won’t let this battle with infertility consume me.  I won’t let it devastate my marriage or relationships with others like I know it can.  I do know I’m going to focus the energy I was putting into the IVF, into my husband, my son, and myself.  I want to refocus on what’s important in front of me NOW.  I will let myself process and feel the hurt of the unsuccessful last year we’ve had, but then I’ll move forward.

Maybe in a few months {or more} we revisit IVF.  Maybe we look at adoption.  Maybe we again become content with our beautiful, energetic, drives-me-crazy-sometimes, God-given son.

Whatever we do, where ever we’re led, I know God will be there.  He has a purpose and plan and reason for all of this.

“Weeping may endure through the night, but JOY comes in the morning.” – Psalm30:5