I love Christmas!  As a kid, I remember I would sometimes ask {read: BEG} my parents to let me open a gift early.  Seeing the gifts under the tree and imaging {sometimes knowing because I was terrible at snooping for the presents before they were wrapped} what was in those paper wrapped boxes, got me so excited!  I couldn’t wait for that day to come and would often have a hard time sleeping the night before….because I was just too eager for that big day!!!

When Christmas morning finally arrived, on the calendar it was just another day, but it was CHRISTMAS!!!!  I had no problem getting out of bed, running down stairs, and opening the stockings!  We would go to church, spend the day with our extended family, and enjoy the gifts we received.

I still get excited for Christmas and other holidays or vacations, like I did when I was a kid.  Now it’s more so because I envision time off from work and spending hours with my family, playing games, laughing, and eating all kinds of not-so-healthy food together.  Spending time with my family is my favorite thing and I know I am already so fortunate in life to have a family that I do enjoy spending so much time with!

On the eve of Transfer Day, I will not be losing any sleep.  I’m not sure if that’s kind of sad, or actually good??  Don’t get me wrong, I am looking forward to tomorrow and completing the transfer, but part of me feels like it’s just another day.  Another doctor appointment, another procedure, another step taken to have another child.  I find that I’m not allowing myself to envision what’s in the “wrapped box” {potential child!!!} and rather am bracing myself for what I feel like is inevitable….another failure, another disappointment, another heartbreak.

OK, OK…..I’m not trying to be a Debbie Downer, believe me.  I’m just going into self-protection mode, here.  Any of you women out there who have longed for the stick to turn pink, understand what I’m talking about.  I do still have hope that things will work out, that an embryo will stick around for the long haul, but I don’t want to let myself get so high, that I’m crushed if I have to come down.

I know that God is in control of this situation.  I know that me stressing & worrying & loosing sleep over it, won’t change the outcome {if anything, it’s harmful to the situation!}.  I know he wants me to be faithful and put my dependence, my contentment in life, and my self worth and value into Him….not me being a mom.  But knowing those things and acting on them can look very different.

I can’t say “Thank-You” enough to all of you who have been praying for us the last several weeks.  I honestly have not felt as stressed and as much of a wreck as past attempts.  I know that that’s not my own doing, that’s God giving me peace!

My mom sent me a great devotional yesterday from Rick Warren, very fitting for me this week!  The verse included was Psalm 46:10 “Let go of your concerns! Then you will know that I am God.  I rule the nations. I rule the earth.”  I’m choosing to not let my emotions control me, either good or bad, this week.  I’m praying for continued peace from God and also of course, that this will be our last round of IVF!!!