Mother’s Day….I love this day and what it means for me.  I love the little handmade gifts and cards I get from our daycare provider that “Lincoln made” and that Eric tries his hardest to get our son to be extra good and sweet this weekend.  I love going to church and hearing “Happy Mother’s Day” and sharing that expression with other’s.  I appreciate so much the idea behind this “holiday” and honoring mothers and grandmother’s who have loved and sacrificed for their precious children.  But this weekend used to be a dreaded weekend for me, one that brought tears to me and uncomfortable sermons in church.  A weekend I’d rather stay in, leave the sweats on, and watch a movie with the hubby.

SPOILER ALERT: That all changed for me 5 years ago when Mother’s Day weekend, I found out I was FINALLY a mommy!!!!!!!  I beamed with excitement and couldn’t wait to tell everyone and hear everyone tell ME Happy Mother’s Day!

If you haven’t figured it out already, by the title of my blog and the start of this post, I struggled with {and still do} infertility.  For those of you women out there who have and are struggling with this very real pain, I hurt with you.  I know the agony each month when the test is negative.  I know the embarrassment of being asked “when are you going to have kids?” and the frustration of being told “just stop trying”.  I know the feeling of jealousy when your friend/sister/coworker tells you their pregnant….and to make it better, they weren’t trying!!!

To tell you a little about me, I’ve been married for almost 9 years now, I’m strong and very independent, I’m stubborn and I do NOT like being told “no”.  I’m a self-proclaimed tomboy, I love sports, I’m very competitive, and I’m really not all that nurturing.  With all that said, I’ve always wanted to be a mom more than anything in the world.  After we got married, we started trying to become pregnant after only 5 months {we had to wait until after our cruise honeymoon in January because I wanted to enjoy some drinks on the beach…duh!}  I remember after only the first month of it not working being devastated and bawling to Eric that it wasn’t going to work and that we’d probably have to go the extreme of doing IVF to ever achieve pregnancy {I’ve been known to be a bit of a pessimist and take things to the negative extreme a few times in my life}!

Fast forward a few years later and we found ourselves in the waiting room of the Reproductive Specialist {that just sounds nicer than “infertility”} in Sioux Falls.  We’ve now been married a few years, we’ve had a few job relocations, an occupation change for my husband, a dog, and a new house.  It took about 3 months to get in to see the infertility doctor and I felt like this was finally going to be our time.  I actually had more of a positive attitude than I had had in months {maybe years} because I felt like this was going to be the answer I was waiting for.

I could go into all the details of our nearly 3 year journey of unanswered infertility questions, the crazy, un-sexy attempts we made on our own, the various medical approaches we took, the countless fights and ugly strain it took on our marriage and relationship.  I could tell you about how selfish and consumed I became with having a baby and the stress that it caused in all aspects for both me and Eric.  But I’ll save those wonderful insights for another post 🙂

As we spoke with the doctor who had reviewed our charts, labs, and past medical history, he told us our best option was In Vitro Fertilization, better known as IVF.  I immediately looked at my husband and said “Haha, I told you!”…..just kidding, I left that for the car ride home {I told you, I’m very competitive!}.  I didn’t cry though, I wasn’t upset by this, the idea of shots and a very timed schedule didn’t scare me.  I was willing to do whatever it was going to take to give us the best chance of becoming pregnant and if that was with IVF, my only question was, when can I start? {Oh, and how much does it cost….that part did scare me…a lot!!}

Fast forward again, this time only a few months, and there I was leading up to Mother’s Day again. I knew I was either going to be staying in my house, avoiding all mother’s {probably even my own}, and eating ice cream while I was mad at the world and God, or I would be out celebrating the fact that I was finally going to be a mom and could participate happily in the exchange with other moms, saying “Happy Mother’s Day”!  Thankfully for me, it was the latter and I felt so blessed, fortunate, and loved that Mother’s Day weekend and every one since.

Now, I know this is still a very tough day and weekend for so many others out there.  As much as I do love and cherish this weekend for me in a selfish way, I still cringe at the thought of other women who may be suffering silently, or with support, in their own fertility battle.  I’m still right there with you and want to be supportive for you.  I know the way it feels to think you’re alone in it and no one understands.  I want you to know, I do still understand and you are certainly not alone.

My reason for this blog is mostly for me.  I probably won’t have super great in site to life and/or mommyhood and I know I don’t have all the answers.  I wanted a place to express myself and be heard {even if only by me} because I’m going through it again.  I’m trying to become a mommy to a 2nd beautiful baby and it hasn’t worked yet.  I’m back at a place where I’m frustrated, depressed at the lack of answers, and needing support from others.  If I can go through this journy and provide support in anyway to someone else, than I can find reason in this unexplained burden.  I hope that I can one day look back on this all and smile knowing I turned it around for good.