I have felt alone, forgotten, neglected,

But you were there.

I have had heartache, loss and death,

But you never left me.

You have carried me all the while.
I am worn, tired and beaten 

As were you.

I have bruises, scars and marks,

So do you.

My hurt does not compare.

To know your darkest hours,

I cannot.

To feel your lonely despair,

I have not.

You have endured far greater pain than I will ever face.
Your death was ugly, unjust and undeserving,

As am I.

The eternal life is precious, priceless and perfect,

As are you.

Today I thank you for the ugliest, most precious gift…..

My salvation.

I had my follow up appointment with another SIS this past Monday.  Thankfully this time around I was not rushed for emergency surgery, but they did discover there some still something left over from the DNC last month.  The doctor could not tell if it was still a small amount of remaining placenta or if it may be scar tissue. It wasn’t the news that we were praying for, but it still looked a lot better than the beginning of March and we were grateful for this.  In either event, it needed to be removed before we could begin IVF again and so another surgery was put on the books.

So today we drove the oh-so-familiar route to the hospital and checked in for surgery once again.  I’ve lost count of how many procedures this is now since we started this endeavor nearly 18 months ago.  I’ve had the obvious 5 IVF transfers, 2 retrievals, a few polyps removed on a couple different occasions, the horrible miscarriage experience and the unexpected DNC.  I’m starting to feel like Sanford is my second home….not exactly the beach vacation destination I wanted, but even more costly!

The surgery went really well and it turned out to be scar tissue.  The doctor was able to remove it with no complications and minimal bleeding.  I wasn’t able to speak to the doc myself after the procedure, but followed up with her nurses and they informed me that things went so well that this should only push us back 1 week from what we were originally hoping for on our next transfer!!!! Thank you, Jesus!!!!!

I’m recovering really well this afternoon.  Typically I’m a little slow to wake up and on occasion have struggled with a lot of nausea and pain coming out of the anesthesia, but this time I woke up with no problems and was up and going within 15 minutes.  They gave me some water, a much needed Dt. Coke and some toast {for some reason I just love the buttered toast at the hospital after surgery!} and I was out the door!

Now we wait again.  I’ll follow up to my doctor in a couple of weeks to ensure the healing process has gone smoothly.  As long as that report is good, we should be able to get started on injections and meds shortly after and shooting for a transfer at the end of May!!!

This week I was again reminded of the preciousness of life and that it is all in God’s hands.  The sudden death of my cousin’s mother-in-law, a brain tumor found on my sister-in-law’s young nephew’s brain stem, and the recent birth of another sister-in-law’s new baby….all life changing events, good and bad, and all a part of God’s plan and timing.  I often get frustrated with my situation and that I can’t control it, but weeks like this, when I see tragic events and joyous occasions mixed in the live’s of others, I remember to lean into God more and thank Him for what I have been blessed with.  Today I am thanking Him for a new baby in the family, praising Him for my successful surgery, and praying comfort over those who’s week was not as good as mine.

Today’s the day I’ve been looking forward to ever since our miscarriage.  Earlier this week I had labs done to confirm my HCG was finally low enough…..3.4 on Monday  {Which quite honestly, still seemed ridiculously high considering it’s been almost 2 months since the miscarriage}!!!!  But this meant I could move forward FINALLY in the next steps with IVF and get going on the baby making I’ve been longing for since Isaiah left us.

We also had Lincoln’s Kindergarten Screening this morning which was exciting but more emotional for me than I expected!  My little boy is growing up way too fast and as much as I love seeing him change and develop and learn, man I just wish sometimes I could swaddle him up and give him a bottle!!!  His screening went great, which we expected, he’s so smart and no part of him struggles to socialize or retain what he’s heard and learned {the good stuff and the not so good stuff!} and he’s going to thrive in school next year, I just know it!

After the screen, I brought him to class and headed for my doctors appointment. I again reassured Eric, he didn’t need to come with me for this appointment.  He like me, has been overwhelmingly busy at work and I completely understand and appreciate the need to be at the office during business hours. I almost ordered him to go to work and skip my appointment….I’d fill him in tonight!

I was scheduled for an HSI and a uterine biopsy.  Both of these procedures I’ve had before and went in anticipating that something would be found on the HSI, leading to needing to have to have surgery of some kind to remove a polyp or fibroid {I’ve had this 2 or 3 times before} and also expected the biopsy would be clear {always has been in the passed!}.

Right on cue, the PA had to call the doctor in to get a 2nd opinion on the ultrasound of the HSI that was being performed. She wasn’t 100% sure what she was looking at.  They were able to track my incredible RE down and she popped in to confirm there was definitely something there and a Hysteroscopy would be in my very near future.  She was in the middle of a transfer when they pulled her out, so just as quickly as she came in, she popped back out.

As the PA began pulling out the various items stuck up my lady parts and preparing to stick other utensils up there for the dreadful biopsy, I began to bleed…..and bleed…..and bleed.  I began to bleed profusely enough that my doctor was called back to the party before she could get back to the poor women strapped in the sterile table.  I couldn’t help but feel sorry for that women because I know how uncomfortable and likely agitated she was that someone else {that someone else being ME} was holding up her baby {or babies!} from being put back in their temporary housing!!!  She likely was cursing me out because her bladder was ready to burst and she was freezing on the stainless steel table.  I wanted to tell her ” I’m sorry, dear infertile friend, I do not know you personally, but I do know your physical uncomforableness and the painful emotional rollercoaster you’ve likely been on and I’m not helping it!!!  Please forgive me!!!!”

I began to feel a little light headed, nothing crazy, but continued to lay flat at the PA, nurses, and doctors direction.  I guess the situation was kind of serious!  The doctor told me I would need to be taken for an Emergency DNC because she was unable to get the bleeding to stop and was afraid there may be a small amount of placenta left over from the miscarriage that was dislodged during the procedure and was now causing some serious problems.

My reaction in that moment was almost laughable.  I didn’t for see this being what my day would consist of.  I was really looking forward to this day.  I was looking forward to kindergarten screening, the appointment with the fertility clinic to hopefully get a plan in place and some prospective dates set, and then I was off to an afternoon at the spa…a WHOLE AFTERNOON!!!!  Eric had so generously purchased a spa package for me…..something I’d NEVER do for myself, because he knew just how stressed I’ve been. I have a man that looks out for my well being more than I do and this was such a thoughtful gesture….but will need to be rescheduled.  I was headed to Spa Sanford instead.  The beds aren’t quite as comfy, but the drugs are probably better 🙂

I discovered that surgery intake goes a lot faster when it’s an emergency.  It felt like only minutes from when I was having the procedure and then was suddenly on the surgical floor and being brought back to the OR.  I exchanged pleasantries with the anestiologist….turns out I had worked a claim for his home in the country  in the last year so he looked familiar to me.  We chatted a bit and then he gave me the sleepy medicine and I drifted off.

Surgery took longer than expected and the doctor found a larger piece of placenta then expected.  If I must try to look at the positive side of things, I will say, I’m glad it was discovered here and now because in reality, it could have come dislodged at any point, anywhere.  If it happened at home while I was sleeping or maybe at work when traveling 3 hours from home, there could have been some really serious and potentially fatal results from that.  God’s always looking out for me I guess!

I was originally told that I’d be released after surgery, but now I’m being kept overnight for observation.  I lost about 6 pints of blood, which is enough to make me feel light headed and uneasy.  I’m also having decent pain from it all and then of course there’s all the anxiety that I’m building up on myself from all of this.

I can’t help but admit that it’s getting hard to stay positive.  It’s getting harder for me to keep perspective and it’s getting harder to not feel more and more like a failure and question what the heck is God doing with this?!?!?!  My eyes are heavy and tired from the tears {and probably all the morphine and Percocet and other pleasantries they’ve allowed me!}  My tears are not from the physical pain {well, maybe the first few were after I woke up} but more so the emotional and mental pain.  Not gonna lie, it’s getting really old hitting a roadblock around each turn.  It’s starting to feel like the feat of becoming pregnant, might just break me and maybe I’m not strong enough.  I loose more and more confidence in myself as a mom—-after all, if God has made it this difficult for me to even achieve pregnancy and then to top it off, loose one for no apparent reason so easily, maybe He’s telling me I’m not cut out for this again.  That’s tough for me to swallow and maybe it’s extreme, but I can’t help my mind from going there.

My RE visited with Eric and I each after the procedure.  She’s not yet sure what this looks like now for us moving forward.  It certainly pushes us back at least 1 more cycle, possibly 2-3 more cycles.  There’s a good chance that by the time we’re finally on the road to baby again, I could have/should have been holding my Isaiah in my arms, listening to his cries and seeing his sweet smile.  I feel like I’ve lost so much more than just my precious Isaiah….I’ve lost time, I’ve lost countless hours of sleep, I’ve lost the obvious….a lot of blood! and I’m starting to lose hope.  I don’t want to go all Debbie-Downer here, but if I’m being honest with you guys…..this sucks.

I’m ending this the same way I end most posts nowadays….more prayers appreciated   I’m a little low in the “stay positive” vibes so if anyone has any extra laying around to share, send them my way.  This road to becoming mommy again is getting harder and darker right now.

 

Monday morning, before I even left for work, I sent a message to my doctors office requesting we move the blood draw and follow up appointment up.  I explained the spotting and the negative test.  Then I headed out the door for the day.

My day went as usual, busy and hectic like all Mondays.  I got a response from the nurse that we could move the appointment up to Thursday, 10/20, but that that was the earliest date they could do for me.  I scheduled it and moved on.  I was still sad about the fact that I was here again, but we have 5 frozen embryos to try with still, so we’re not out of the game completely.

I told Eric that day that I planned to start working out again that evening.  I wanted to get back in that routine for the few weeks I could before going through the procedure again and was looking forward to this.  But I was going to test one last time before starting, just to be certain.  Because of the RE treatment, I was given strict instructions to not get my heart rate above 135 which limited me to pretty much just walking.  I was eager to do more than that and get some sweat rolling again!

After work I ran to the store, purchased a few things including an at home pregnancy test, the Clear Blue brand to be exact.  Normally I just purchase the generic, store brand, but this time I upgraded because I wanted to be sure I trusted the results.

I got home, took the test, and let it sit while I changed into my workout gear.  3-4 minutes later I came back to the test to find TWO lines.  That’s right, you read it correctly, TWO lines!  I was S.H.O.C.K.E.D!!!!

I grabbed my phone to call or text Eric, but my fingers forgot how to unlock the code.  When I figured that out, I fumbled my way to the camera and took a photo quick before the line disappeared…I had to confirm this was real. I sent him the photo and waited about a minute before calling.  My stomach was going crazy, I was almost in a panic.  My hands were sweaty and my breathing got faster.  What was going on!?!?

I called Eric and asked if he got the picture.  He hadn’t.  I told him I tested and there was a second line.  He didn’t know what that meant {ah, men!}, so I told him it means it’s positive!  He looked at the photo and agreed, he could see a faint line.  We were both nervously happy and I felt like impossible joy overwhelmed me.

When we got off the phone, I texted my mom.  She too wasn’t sure what the 2nd line meant {come on people!} but agreed she could faintly see the 2nd line.  I was so excited and didn’t know what to do with myself and almost couldn’t believe this.  I posted a picture of it to the support groups I am a part of and asked if they too could see the faded line.  Immediately several women were giving me their congratulations and agreed in seeing the 2nd line.

I texted a shot of it to a friend who I had been complaining to through out the day about the bad news from Saturday.  She too had had a crappy weekend and I know I found comfort in complaining about it with someone else who “got it”.

She saw the shot and was also cautiously happy for me.  She explained that she had had previous false positives with the Clear Blue brand and encouraged me to take another test.  Meanwhile, I got 2 other women on the support group who said the same thing.  False positives with Clear Blue 😦 I was brought back to reality.

I was still shaken however, by the thought that this might be real.  I was trying to text with Eric, my mom and my friend as well as responding to people on the support group.  I knew I needed to take another test at some point, but I was fearful of what it would really reveal.

Eventually, after dragging my feet some, I headed to the store again to buy more tests.  I bought a couple brands this time so as to be sure I could average the results.

After Eric and Lincoln got home, I filled Eric in on the situation.  We looked at the Clear Blue window again, the 2nd line had faded almost completely.  I think we only continued to see it because we had the memory of it in our heads and a picture to refer back to.

I eventually had a bladder full enough to take another test and I had run out of excuses not to.  I did realize that my HCG levels would be higher in the AM, but knew I wouldn’t be able to wait that long to test.

I took 2 different brands of tests and waited the 3 minutes the directions called for.  1 test {the cheap one, go figure}, showed nothing.  The other {First Response} showed a thin, faint line 🙂

I again went back to the phone, texting my mom and my friend, going crazy in my head that this might be real.  We showed Lincoln and explained what it meant.  He was confused, but happy that he was going to be a big brother again!  We told him it was important that we keep praying for the baby to “hold on” and that we thank God for this!!

I continued to test, each morning and evening until my blood work day.  The lines got slightly darker each day, but I wasn’t going to feel confident until the blood work was back on Thursday.

Thursday morning I got to the lab at 7AM, as soon as I could, and happily rolled up my sleeve and gave access to my vein.  I was never so excited for a needle prick!

I had to head out of town for work right after and be back in town for the follow up appointment at 11.  Just this year, my doctors office started releasing all lab work results available to see on our online profile once they are completed.  This means getting the results when the doctor, maybe even before, get the results.  I anxiously kept refreshing my email, anticipating the notification that a lab result was released to my chart and eager to see what the result was.

Around 9AM, while I was still out of town on work, the result came though.  My level was 51.9.  My heart sank a little bit.  Don’t get me wrong, this was good news, but I had hoped for a higher number.  The results indicate that anything greater than 20 can mean pregnancy, but really I knew they want to see at least a 50.  Now, I know what you’re thinking, “Kayla, it’s above 50”, but I again found myself not satisfied in the situation.  When I was pregnant with Lincoln we found out on day 10 and my HCG level was much, much higher.  I was now on day 12 and sitting at a measly 51.9.

At 10:45, Eric and I met at the doctors office and sat in anticipation in the waiting room.  We were still trying not to get our hopes up and feeling anxious.  Going through  IVF we know so much, so early.  We are also so aware of the things that could go wrong and have to be prepared for heart break.  I didn’t feel like we could really celebrate yet.

Back in the office, our doctor congratulated us on the positive result.  Eric specifically asked if she as happy with he results and she said she was “cautiously optimistic” about things.  It was still so early and we would need to see how my next blood draw results come out.  The level needed to rise at least 60% every 2 days {although the internet will tell you it needs to double every 2 days}.  So by her account, I needed to be around 133 by my next draw, on Monday 10/24.

We left still feeling anxious and not ready to share the news with friends.  We were so happy to be in this place compared to where we thought we were going to be, but still in the back of our heads, had doubt and fear.

I tested again on Friday after work.  The line was much darker than it had been on Wednesday night and I felt good about that! Sunday morning I tested and this time, the test line was darker than the control line!!!

This morning I went back in and had my blood drawn.  My result came back at 479!!!! Boy was I relieved, even though I felt very confident going into it today, it was so reassuring since that high of a number today 🙂

Now I have to look back and remember how I was just destroyed last week Saturday.  My mom was right {yes, she is right sometimes} and told me maybe I tested too early.  I reacted too quickly and assumed the worst because of our past year’s history.  But maybe it is what I needed, to over react and take the time away with my family.  Maybe I needed to feel that low again so that I would lean into God and spend more time in prayer with Him.  Maybe God used my testing too soon to draw me closer to Him.

Eric and I are both so excited {and so is Lincoln!} but we also know we aren’t out of the woods.  We know that we are at a higher risk of miscarriage or other complications and so we still ask for your continued support and prayers.  We’ll go back in next week for our first {of hopefully many} ultrasounds and see our beautiful miracle-in-the-making for the first time.  We are so grateful for your prayers and thoughts up to this point, but keep them coming!!!  We’re pregnant!!!!!

It’s been 2 weeks now since the disappointing news. I’m still trying to figure out how I’m feeling about everything and where I’m at.  In my head, I’m all over the place.  I’ve accepted the 4 failed attempts.  I’ve accepted the last 11 months feels like a waste.  I’ve accepted that God has a different and better plan in store for me.  What I find I’m struggling with is the question of, are we being selfish???

In the last two weeks, I’ve earnestly prayed to God to speak to me, to give me a sign, to reaffirm I’m making the right decisions.  I’ve spent more time in devotions and prayer and listening to His Word.  I’ve refocused energy and time into my husband, son and self.  I honestly want what His will is for me and I want it to be clear!

But I’m still left with questions.  I’m still left with confusion and doubt and guilt. Eric and I both can’t shake the feeling that some how, we’re being selfish.

On one end, I try to think of the advantages of having an only child.  One blessing to focus my time and energy into.  He doesn’t have to fight a sibling for attention, he doesn’t feel like we love his brother more or that his sister is our favorite.  He doesn’t have to share his toys or fight over which movie to watch because mom and dad usually given in to what he wants {whether or not this is a good thing is debatable!}  Financially, it’s easier to afford only 1 child.  I’m not as sleep deprived like some of my friends with multiple children.  It’s easier to find a sitter for only 1 child so in turn, it’s easier for us to get away if we need/want to.

On the other end, are we spoiling Lincoln?  Is he getting too much of what he wants, when he wants it? It would be a good lesson for him to learn young that he has to share his toys and his time.  Having siblings teaches compromise and other important life lessons.  Having a sibling would give Lincoln someone else to play with, fight with, relate to, and love.

To play the devil’s advocate again {which is constantly going on in my head!}, are we selfish to continue to try for another?  The effort and time I put into trying to get pregnant is wearisome.  It takes a toll not only on my body, but on my mind and spirit.  It’s exhausting and each time it doesn’t work, I go through at least a day of feeling down in the dumps. I’m sure Eric would tell you I take some of this frustration and disappointment out on him and my son.  Can I keep doing that to myself and to them?

Financially, is it selfish to keep going?  Yes, we have health insurance coverage, but we still have our deductible, out of pocket max, and copays to meet.  We’ve spent enough out of pocket in the last year to take our son to Disney at least a couple of times or to put away for his savings or even our own.  If we do have another, it’s 4 more years of day care costs and it’s that much harder to afford the Christian school that we would like to be able to send our son to.  Is it selfish to want another when we could be depriving our son of these other great things?

So that’s where I’m at!  I’m in my head and battling over what to do next and waiting for God to lead us.  I realize, it’s only been 2 weeks and I don’t have to have the answer and next step planned out yet, but it’s my nature to want to!!!

In the meantime, I’m sincerely trying to relax, let go and let God.  I’m trying to keep a positive attitude and remember to enjoy what I have in front of me.

This past weekend, we took a spontaneous trip to Omaha to the zoo, movie and a hotel stay with pool time.  Lincoln LOVED it and it was so refreshing to have this family time with both of them and create some special memories together.  

I don’t think it’s selfish to want another child, but it would be selfish to let that consume me and for me to miss out on the incredible one I already have!

If you would, please keep praying for us and for God’s direction to be made clear!