This last week was rough.  Physically it took me a long time to recover from my egg retrieval from Monday morning.  Mentally and emotionally I struggled.  Because I didn’t feel well, I couldn’t get my head “in the game” it seemed and all week I felt off.  I struggled to feel like I could keep doing this, that maybe we just needed to throw in the towel because I don’t know if I am strong enough to do this any more.

I waited until Thursday afternoon to contact my doctor’s office to inform them of how miserable I was still feeling.  They scheduled me to come in first thing on Friday to have ultrasounds and lab work done to ensure everything was ok and to see if we could move forward as scheduled with transfer on Saturday or if we’d have to postpone.

Friday morning I was feeling a whole lot better than I was Monday, but still sore and bloated.  To make a long story short and save on some of the details, everything checked out ok.  My ovaries were still “large and in charge” as the ultra sound tech put it 🙂 and there was still a lot of free fluid, but my lab work came back normal and my doctor felt ok moving forward on Saturday.  Whew….I was relieved!  I thought for sure they were going to tell me we’d have to wait for the fluid and swelling to go down, delaying us another 4-6 weeks!

Saturday morning we woke up bright and early. I started drinking my 32 oz of water and took my diazepam at 6:30 and we headed out to get to the clinic by 7AM as instructed. Now I just want to say how grateful I am, that I live in the same city as my doctor’s office.  So many couples have to travel hours and even some across state lines, to get to their fertility doctor.  I live 20 minutes away, 12 if there’s no traffic, and get to recover in the comfort of my own bed rather than in a hotel room like so many do.  This time around, I took time to stop and be thankful for that little convenient blessing.

We arrived at the clinic at 7AM.  The nurse took me for a weight and asked if my bladder was full.  Now I had finished more than my required 32oz but I wasn’t really feeling that full yet.  Likely, it just hadn’t had the time to make its way to my bladder yet, but I regrettably asked for a bottle of water.  I wanted to make sure my procedure wasn’t delayed because I wasn’t full enough!  I immediately started guzzling the bottle of water.

The nurse took us back to our room, got my vitals, and then kindly told us there was going to be a wait.  There was an egg retrieval that had just gotten started.  Apparently, the anesthesiologist arrived over 30 minutes late, delaying that procedure.  This in turn, would delay my procedure by at least that amount of time.  The panic spread over me…why did I ask for that extra bottle of water!!??  The nurse sweetly advised that if I was feeling my bladder already, I should probably stop drinking the water. My first thought was, why did she offer this to me in the first place?!

Fast forward approximately 70 agonizing minutes, I was finally getting dressed and ready for my procedure that should have been done by then!  The doctor offered for me to go use the bathroom to let out a little bit of the urine, but I knew that wasn’t even an option.  If I was letting a little out, I was letting it all out at that point.  I would have no control over that bodily function once started!

So we proceeded.  The nurse strapped my legs into the oh-so-familiar stirrups on the cold table, spread my legs, and we waited for the doctor.  We waited and waited and waited for what seemed like an eternity.

The nurse and ultrasound tech made small talk with Eric and I, they could see how much discomfort I was in and just wanted to help distract me.  I wasn’t much for chatting in that moment, I just wanted to scream at them to get the doctor in the room!  But I knew where she was…she was being a good doctor and talking with the previous retrieval patient.  She was doing her job as quick as she could without compromising care to each of her patients.  I could respect that, so I gritted my teeth and held on.

The doctor finally arrived…no more waiting!  Or so I thought.  She explained she would have to do a trial run first to ensure that the little catheter that houses the embryo, would go in smoothly and not run into any kinks along the way.

She spread my legs a little further {the agony!} and tilted me upside down some {breathing, keep breathing!!}.  Then the cold speculum {Seriously??!!} and then the pressure from the catheter {OH COME ON, MAN!!!}  Meanwhile the ultrasound tech was pressing on my abdomen to guide the doctor’s tools through everything.  This small amount of pressure wasn’t helping me!  But the trial run went great, better than times before.  Apparently the enlarged ovaries made it even easier for the doctor to get where she needed to be, things were positioned perfectly!

Another few seconds later she was inserting the catheter again, this time that held my baby.  We watched as baby was softly placed inside of my womb and I said a silent prayer that this time it would stick, that I would not be seeing the inside of this room again, that all this discomfort was worth it.

They unstrapped me, lowered the table, reviewed a few things I already knew, and I darted for the bathroom.  Finally, some relief!!!

As you can tell, we put only one embryo in.  Because my ovaries are still swollen and that isn’t really ideal, the doctor was only comfortable putting one in.  We had hoped to do two, but were advised that if both embryos would implant and we ended up with twins, I would no doubt be admitted after a few weeks for OHSS.  My ovaries would fill back up with fluid because of the rising HCG and I would  be in a lot more pain that I had been this past week.  I didn’t want to chance it, neither did Eric, so we heeded our doc’s advise and went with the best looking one 🙂

And so now we wait.  Frist we wait to hear back from the lab to tell us how many of the other 13 fertilized embryo’s will be viable to freeze.  We found out yesterday that at least 2 others had reached the necessary blastocyst stage and would be viable, but unsure about the rest.  We’ll know sometime today.

And we wait the painful “2 week wait” until we follow-up for the results.

It’s harder this time to be hopeful, to think positive and expect a “win”.  We’re batting 200 so far in this game of in vitro and I don’t feel that great when up to the plate.  I don’t have the same confidence, I have a defeatist attitude, I need prayers to uplift my spirit and I need God to carry me through this.

I’m so grateful for so many of you who are praying for us as we go through this again.  Your caring texts and thoughts mean so much and I know we’re not alone.  I trust in the Lord that His will in my life will prevail and He will give me strength to endure anything that I face, even this and even if another heart-ache is around the corner.

—“But those who trust in the LORD will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.”—Isaiah 40:31

 

Today was one of those gloomy, dreary Fall days.  The type that farmers don’t like to see happen as they are trying to get their crops out of the field.  But this was a day that was fitting for how I’m feeling and perfect for staying in my cozy bed sleeping and catching up on my DVR and Netflix shows I just don’t seem to have enough time for.

Yesterday was our retrieval day.  I was beyond ready for the doctor to put me under and offer me some brief solace from my bloated misery.  I was also excited to hear how many of the follicles they were able to harvest eggs from.  My mom was kind enough to come to our place at 5:40AM {she even had to drive an hour to get here!} so that we wouldn’t have to wake Lincoln and take him with us.

We arrived at the clinic shortly before 6AM and I waddled down the hall to my waiting room.  The nurse took my vitals and could see how uncomfortable I was.  The procedure wasn’t scheduled until 7 but they had to have another nurse, the anesthesiologist, and the doctor make their rounds and make sure I understood what was happening in the procedure.  Yes I knew, and I couldn’t wait to get it done! The doctor expected it to take the full 45 minutes because of my high follicle count.

Shortly before 7AM, they took me back to the procedure room, strapped me in to the cold bed, and to sleep I went 🙂

It was around 8:45 – 9:00 when they woke me up.  I was in so much pain and discomfort, nothing like either of the retrievals before.  I was shaking and crying from the discomfort and felt like my insides had exploded. They gave  me IV tylenol with codeine and then another dose of some other wonderful drug which eventually helped subside the agony inside me.

The doctor came in and shared the news that they harvested 20 eggs out of all the follicles.  I was a little surprised because I felt so much fuller than this, but 20 is a great number, so no complaints!  And even better, the doctor thought we could move forward as planned for the fresh embryo transfer on Saturday!!  My ovaries were quite large, by my estrogen level was not terribly high, considering {just over 2500}, and she believed the fluid in my ovaries would drain and swelling go down in time for Saturday.  This was more great news!!!

We were able to leave the clinic shortly after 10.  Overall the procedure took much longer than past retrievals so I was even more thankful that my mom had taken Lincoln so he wouldn’t have waited around that long.  It would have been awful feeling the way I did and listening to a tired, whiny 4 year old who just wanted to go to school!

We headed home and I headed straight to bed.  I was told not to take any pain meds until 2PM when the others had completely worn off, otherwise they would not react well together.  By 1:30, I was NEEDING the pain meds.  I was in so much discomfort, my stomach & intestines feeling like they were squished inside me.  Any time I moved I took a bucket with me… just incase.  I had to force myself to eat some toast as I feared the thought of having nothing to come up if/when that time came and the idea of dry heaving was nightmarish based on how much it hurt to even cough.

At one point I made my way to the bathroom.  I was crying because of the pain associated with just the simple act of going to the bathroom when I felt the lightheadedness, the dry, parched mouth, and knew my insides were coming up.  I had failed to take the bucket with me the 15 steps from my bed to the toilet so I screamed for Eric to bring it….quick!  I vaguely remember spitting in the bucket and then it was gone…..the next thing I heard was Eric yelling at me and slapping my face.   I had passed out and hit my head on the side of the tub.  Now my head hurt along with my insides and he wouldn’t stop screaming at me!

I finally realized what had happened and he helped me up.  I at least no longer had to puke, but I still felt awful :(.  The rest of the afternoon and evening was the same as well as through the night.  There are more embarrassing stories I could share along with this one, but we’ll stop there 🙂

This morning I woke up feeling somewhat better.  I still feel bloated and have little to no appetite, but was told by the nurse today that eating protein and drinking lots of water should help with this.  It still hurts with every step I take, but I’ve lost my sidekick bucket and have been able to move around a little more without feeling like I’d toss my proverbial cookies.  Hopefully tomorrow I’m feeling well enough to go back to work.

Today I also received the call advising how many of the eggs fertilized.  Like I said, we had 20 total harvested.  4 of them were not mature and they were unable to even try to fertilize.  Of the remaining 16, 14 of them fertilized.  There is no way to know for sure why the other 2 did not fertilize, but all in all, I’m ecstatic to hear that 14 fertilized!  The nurse confirmed they intend to move forward with transfer on Saturday morning and to continue on my progesterone shots and other pills I’m currently taking.

I must say, in all of my procedures, shots taken, bruies, allergic reactions to patches, and invasive ultrasounds, this recovery post retrieval has been the worst experience of all of this. This recovery has been worse than child birth {although I actually enjoyed most of my labor with Lincoln!} and right now, I can honestly say I never want to go through this again!

But then I see my son and am reminded that I have so much indescribable love for him and if going through this agonizing process again has a even a small chance of delivering me another one of those, I would do it over and over and over again.

Love is an incredible, amazing and powerful thing and experiencing it as a parent is the most rewarding thing I have ever done and pray to do again.