I.AM.BLESSED.

This last week, I’ve had to remind myself of that.  I’ve been crazy busy with work and when that happens, I get stressed.  When I get stressed, I get agitated easily.  When I get agitated easily, I take it out on my husband and son….the most important people in my life.  Does this ever happen to you???

One would think that for as hard as I had to work to have my son, that I would never take him for granted or wish for him to be any different.  But, in those high stress moments of agitation, I find myself thinking “why can’t you just play by yourself!” or “you can’t seriously be asking me this AGAIN!??!” or “please, leave me alone!” I am human and I do fail…repeatedly.

In these moments, I try to stop and remember how I begged God for this child and I cried for this little man before he was in existence.

Just this Monday, I found myself having one of these agitated moments.  Lincoln wanted me to put my work away and pay some attention to him.  I was in the middle of something important and I couldn’t handle the distraction.  I ended up having a blow up moment….at my 4-year-old {yes, admittedly not my finest moment!}.  He backed away from me and I saw the scared look in his eyes, the regret for ever approaching me, and that he wanted to quickly leave the room.  My heart sank before I could even finish my loud declaration of needing this time alone.  I instantly grabbed him and pulled him in for a hug before he could leave, and told him how much I loved him and how much he means to me and how much I love being his mom.

This moment brought back all of the failed pregnancy tests I took at home, all of the shed tears, the thought of the bruises from all the hormone shots, and the memory of finding out I was finally pregnant.  My son is a miracle that I won’t take for granted….even though I have to remind myself of it sometimes!

This made me want to share the amazing story of my BIG blessing. I’ve shared the heartache of the last year and I sometimes worry that these devastating attempts may discourage others who are contemplating IVF or have discovered that that is their last option to achieve a pregnancy, so I wanted to share my success story! So here goes…

When we found out that IVF was our best shot and the doctor encouraged us to skip any other methods {IUI, artificial insemination, etc} I realized our situation was worse than I even thought.  I wasn’t necessarily surprised, but the reality of it all set in that much more.  The doctor told us we were great candidates for IVF and suspected we had a 70% success rate in doing it.  This is pretty good considering that the “normal” woman has a 20-25% success rate each month in their normal cycle.

We then talked about the costs.  This was the scary part and so much so, that we didn’t immediately sign up.  In everything that led us to this point, the financial aspect wasn’t as concerning.  Sure, it was a burden, we spent a few thousand out of pocket to get this far but that paled in comparison to what IVF was going to cost. This was something we were going to have to discuss more and figure out if we really could swing it.

We prayed about it, we thought of ways to save some money, and we talked to family.  I remember sitting with my parents and crying, telling them how badly we want this but the financial cost was so heavy I didn’t know if we could.  I remember feeling angry that for us to try to have a baby, was going to cost a small fortune and so many others out there have unwanted children and abort them so easily.  My dad looked at me and said “You have to try.  It’s just money and if you don’t do it, you’ll never know.  You have to try.”  I don’t know that he even realizes how much comfort that gave me.  I took a step back and thought yes, it’s just money and we have to try.

We figured out the finances and moved forward with scheduling.

I got my medication.  Now, you may or may not realize, but everything with IVF is regulated, not just a little, but a LOT.  Medications are started on a certain day of the cycle. Certain medications are given at a certain time of day.  Appointments are scheduled ahead of time on certain days to have invasive ultrasounds completed to check how the body is responding and the medication and dosages may be changed depending on how the body is responding to those certain medications given on certain days at certain times.  {That has to be a run on sentence…sorry grammar people!}

Well, on the day I was scheduled to start my medication (shots of hormones I had to inject myself) I was ready and eager to go.  I double and triple checked my directions and schedule and went for it.  I checked this every morning before I dosed myself to make sure I was giving the correct thing at the correct time.

Well, 3-4 days into it, I realized that somehow I messed up and I had been over dosing and giving myself the wrong amount of hormones!!!  I was giving myself about double what I needed of one certain type of hormone.  I bawled!  I didn’t know how I messed this up, but I thought for sure I screwed it up bad enough and that I had wasted this cycle and all that expensive medication.  Luckily I was scheduled to go in the next day for one of those fun ultrasounds.  I immediately called the doctors office to tell them what I had done.  They reassured me I was probably ok, and they would just see what was going on the following day.

At my ultrasound, they discovered that my ovaries were definitely responding to the over dose of the meds!  But surprisingly, it wasn’t necessarily a bad thing.  They had me back down on how much I was injecting and continued to monitor.  I think I cried again {I did a LOT of crying!} because I was so relieved!

About a week later, I had my last {this time not invasive because they couldn’t with out causing harm to the ovaries and eggs} ultrasound to discover that I had enough eggs measuring large enough to extract.  They told me whatever I had done as far as the over dose goes, had caused for numerous large eggs…more than typical, and there were going to be plenty to extract. And I could FEEL IT!!!!  These eggs are teeny tiny to the naked eye, but they were filling my ovaries and it HURT!!!  I literally could hardly walk because the pressure of every step hurt my abdomen so bad…and I’m not exaggerating! Think of when your bladder is so full after a long road trip, that you’re not sure you’re going to make it to the bathroom….then multiply by 10!

On the day of extraction I was in a lot of constant pain from these numerous, large eggs inside my body and eager to get them out.  I couldn’t imagine what pregnancy was going to be like if this is what some small eggs felt like!  I could hardly lift myself onto the table to prep for the event.  During extraction, I was put under as this is another invasive {and probably unpleasant if conscious!} procedure that takes some time.

When I came to again, I was still so sore because my ovaries were stretched.  I was informed they were able to take 24 eggs that were large enough to fertilize.  This is a crazy high number and not typical, but they chalked it up to the over dose.  My fear, and theirs, was that in getting so many large eggs in such a short amount of time, the quality of the eggs themselves would likely not be as good.  I was told it would be very unlikely that they all fertilize, but I should certainly have some options to choose from out of this!

With IVF, once the eggs are extracted, they take them to the lab to be fertilized by the sperm.  If you recall from Trying to Understand the Unexplained, Eric’s issue had been corrected by some supplements and vitamins and his sample was looking good. There was no need for special assistance to the swimmers.  My very unscientific understanding is that in the lab, they pretty much just put the sperm on top of the eggs and let them do their thing.

We found out the following day, that 17 of the 24 eggs fertilized into embryos.  Of the 17, 14 would make it to day 5 {5 days post extraction} when the transfer was scheduled.  The quality/grading of the embryos was not as high as one would have liked, but the doctor took the best 2 of these, and put them back in me.  I was told the lab would contact me in 5 days to tell me how many of the remaining 12 embryos made it to the stage in which they could be frozen and saved for future attempts.  Then, 5 days after that, I would come back in for the blood work and pregnancy test.  I was advised not to test before my 10 day appointment as the result from home pregnancy tests are not as accurate.  Then the waiting began.

I was so anxious!  We did our transfer on a Saturday and it was Easter the following day.  I was instructed to take it easy for at least the next 48 hours after my transfer, so that meant no participating in the traditional adult Easter egg hunt that my aunt and uncle put on each year {it’s a serious competition!}. All of my family was aware of the prior day’s events and so there were lots of “how are you feeling?” and “we’re praying for you guys!” going on.  I especially remember my grandma telling me how much she was praying for me.  It meant so much to her because she could see how much it meant to me.

The waiting continued.  The anxious thoughts of “what if it doesn’t work” continued.  I at least felt relief that out of 12 embryos left, we would certainly have some that could freeze and if this round didn’t work, we could try again with frozen embryos. {Frozen embryo transfers are a BREEZE compared to fresh embryo transfers!}

Day 5 came and the call from the lab came.  The news I did not expect came.  We had no embryos left to freeze.  The person on the other end told me this happens sometimes and it’s actually more uncommon to have eggs leftover to freeze because it’s difficult for them to survive that long outside of their natural habitat {the womb}.  I think she was just trying to pacify me and get me off the phone before I broke down.  I was devastated and I cried….again.

We still had 5 days to wait until our appointment!  I was crushed at this news and felt so much more pressure riding on those cooking embryos!  I felt more stress and anxiety than I already was feeling and was even kind of angry that the lab had gave me this kind of news this before the 10 day mark.  I was as lazy as I could be to ensure I didn’t trip or overwork myself and wanted to give those babies the best shot!

Finally, day 10…the big day!  I had held off any pre-appointment testing at the instruction of the doctors office.  I went in for my blood work that morning and gave my urine sample to be tested as well, only to wait a few more hours until our appointment.

They took us back to our private waiting room.  I remember being sweaty from nerves and ready to explode with tears at any moment.  The nurse told us the doctor would be in shortly and gave us no indication as to what news we were about to discover.  The doctor walked in and calmly asked,

“How are you guys doing today?”

We both looked at him and said,

“We don’t know! You tell us!”

“Oh, well you’re pregnant, so that’s good!”

He said this so nonchalantly that it took a second to set in.  Then the oh so common tears, the really ugly crying, blowing my nose, and heaving because all that stress dissipated at once!  I could hardly catch my breath because I was so overwhelmed with joy and pure happiness.  I have never felt so much relief in my life!!!!

After a few minutes, I gained my composure and we talked about the next few weeks, what to expect, and scheduling another appointment for my 9 week check up.  My HSG levels were high, but just based on the blood work, they could not tell if I was pregnant with twins {keep in mind 2 embryos were put back in} or only one miracle baby.

At my 9 week appointment, I received a welcomed NON-invasive ultrasound to confirm only 1 baby.  It was A-MAZING!  At 9 weeks, he already looked like a little alien baby with a distinct head and other features.  We were somewhat relieved to discover only 1 baby {kids are expensive post utero!!!!} and so was the doctor.  They always prefer only 1 as IVF pregnancies are already considered high risk and are more likely to deliver pre 40 weeks compared to a “natural” pregnancy.

I carried my pregnancy to 37 1/2 weeks  It was discovered in a routine appointment, that my water had slowly been leaking for a few days {I couldn’t figure out why my undies were always wet….I was sure I wasn’t peeing myself!} and so my doctor told me to head over to the hospital. I was induced and with that medication, contractions were intense! I asked for the epidural after about 2 hours of labor.  This was the BEST decision ever!  I was a new person and actually ENJOYED my labor and delivery.  The feeling I felt when I saw Lincoln for the first time was indescribable.  I was overcome with a flood of love for this little being that I put so much effort into.  This was my son! 

So that’s my success story!  With Lincoln, as an embryo he did not look as “quality” as most of the embryo’s from this last year.  At 20 weeks, they noticed a spot on his heart on the ultra sound and had to prep us for what this could mean and once born, we had to have this checked out for a possible heart condition.  When he was delivered, we discovered that there was a knot in the umbilical cord that was loose enough while in utero, but tighten up completely at the end.  He was at high risk of infection because my water had been leaking for an unknown amount of time.  But through all of that, he was a gift, purposely blessed upon us, by our Creator.  He is our miracle and I am so grateful to have him in our lives.

I am forever changed and forever blessed, to be HIS mom, even if only ever his.