Starting Over

September 25, 20161 Comment

Here I am again, just over a year later, still trying for what is starting to feel like an impossible dream. The dream of another baby, the dream of carrying life inside of me, 10 tiny toes, and the dream of becoming a mommy again.

Friday morning I had my first of several ultrasounds over the next week and a half. My lining looked great, my follicle numbers are high and by all accounts, my body is ready to start over. Mentally I’m prepared for the shots, the pills, the patches and everything else that comes with starting over. Emotionally.…I’m not sure yet.

Starting over is draining. Realizing that I’ve now been through this procedure 5 times with only 1 success. Accepting the fact that statistically, I’m more likely to fail than succeed and knowing how badly failure hurts. I have to be prepared for that failure and pain again and right now I don’t know if I am.

But right now, I’m choosing to be “high on life” {or maybe the excess hormones circulating my body} and excited about the chance of success! The idea of “what if it does work?!” has me too encouraged to second guess what we’re doing and the report from Friday is motivation to move forward.

Starting over looks different than the last 3 attempts. When I started this blog and sharing this walk in our lives, I was preparing for my 2nd frozen embryo transfer {FET}. This is different {and honestly, much less work} than the “fresh” transfer. This time, rather withdrawing an embryo from the freezer, we have to first create the embryos. This starts with me shooting up twice a day with different hormones to induce the growth of several follicles. The higher number of follicles correlates with a higher number of eggs to harvest and then fertilize. Having more than 1 or 2 mature eggs in a single cycle is very unnatural for the body {but with IVF, very necessary} and also very uncomfortable. As crazy as it may sound, I can already feel the drugs working after only 1 1/2 days. The bloating is real and I can actually feel my ovaries stretching 😦 ! But I know this is a good sign and all part of the process.

I have another appointment on Tuesday and then another on Thursday this week. They anticipate they’ll be harvesting the eggs next week and then depending on when that occurs, 5 days later would likely be the big transfer date. Crazy to think I will be pregnant {even if only temporarily} in just a few weeks!

So we continue to pray that this time will be different, that God will bless us with another miracle. I can look back on the last year and have anger and frustration with God {and some days I do}, or I can look back at it as another year to grow in my faith and dependence on him. As we start over on this journey again, I’m trying to choose later and push forward with hope.

Another season, another go around

September 4, 2016Leave a comment

I love Fall. I love the colors, the cooler weather, sweaters and boots, the break from the overwhelming heat and humidity of summer, and of course, FOOTBALL {even though the Vikes season may not be as good as I hoped in the early preseason 😦 }!!! I’m beyond ready for this new season!

I’ve been MIA for the summer months. After our 4th failed IVF, we needed a break. Our embryos were all gone and we honestly weren’t positive when {and if} we would want to try again. Work is busiest for me in the summer months, our son was in several activities, we had vacation plans, and we just needed a break from the consuming IVF lifestyle.

A part of me wondered if the time off would change our minds…..if I’m honest, a part of me hoped it would. Maybe I could again become content with the idea of a family of 3, of our son being an only child, and me never carrying another baby. Over the course of these months, I prayed that God would take that desire away from me if it’s not His will because I don’t want to continue chasing something that isn’t meant for me. I don’t want to continue with the weight gain, pokes and prods, and heartbreak. I earnestly prayed for clarity and direction.

Throughout these months, I didn’t feel like we were consumed by the grief of the last year or anger over what we put ourselves through. We were able to enjoy our summer and still have casual conversations about what each of us were thinking and feeling going forward. Let me tell you, it was such a blessing. A part of me had questioned if I could honestly turn off that drive to push forward at all costs, to achieve my goal of pregnancy. But I did, with God’s grace, and I’m so glad I could!

Then, in early August, I was away from home for 2 weeks for work. During that, I missed my boys like crazy! But I was able to use some of that time for self reflection, to dig into myself and time with God to ask, “What’s next? Are we supposed to keep trying? Are we supposed to give up?” I again pleaded that if growing our family wasn’t in our future, that God would take that strong desire away. I could focus more efforts on my career, my relationships, my son and my marriage. These would all be great things and it would be so much easier to not want another child!

But the opposite happened.

Eric and I discussed how we were both feeling. I shared that I was ready to try again when summer was over and work and other activities slowed back down. We decided to buckle back down with our budget and ensure that financially we would be prepared for the additional expenses again. We then just had to decide if we wanted to wait until October or get going right away. After some back and forth and other things coming up, we decided we would start again as soon as we could.

And here we are now. A new season, nearly a year from when we started our last fresh round, and preparing for this trying journey of unknowns yet again. I would have expected us to feel more jaded about starting over, to have more anxiety and pessimism, but we don’t. We feel peace with the decision to move forward and dare I say, even some refreshing hope that it could be different this time!

Prayers welcomed!

The Miracle That is My Son

July 14, 2016July 16, 2016Leave a comment

I.AM.BLESSED.

This last week, I’ve had to remind myself of that. I’ve been crazy busy with work and when that happens, I get stressed. When I get stressed, I get agitated easily. When I get agitated easily, I take it out on my husband and son….the most important people in my life. Does this ever happen to you???

One would think that for as hard as I had to work to have my son, that I would never take him for granted or wish for him to be any different. But, in those high stress moments of agitation, I find myself thinking “why can’t you just play by yourself!” or “you can’t seriously be asking me this AGAIN!??!” or “please, leave me alone!” I am human and I do fail…repeatedly.

In these moments, I try to stop and remember how I begged God for this child and I cried for this little man before he was in existence.

Just this Monday, I found myself having one of these agitated moments. Lincoln wanted me to put my work away and pay some attention to him. I was in the middle of something important and I couldn’t handle the distraction. I ended up having a blow up moment….at my 4-year-old {yes, admittedly not my finest moment!}. He backed away from me and I saw the scared look in his eyes, the regret for ever approaching me, and that he wanted to quickly leave the room. My heart sank before I could even finish my loud declaration of needing this time alone. I instantly grabbed him and pulled him in for a hug before he could leave, and told him how much I loved him and how much he means to me and how much I love being his mom.

This moment brought back all of the failed pregnancy tests I took at home, all of the shed tears, the thought of the bruises from all the hormone shots, and the memory of finding out I was finally pregnant. My son is a miracle that I won’t take for granted….even though I have to remind myself of it sometimes!

This made me want to share the amazing story of my BIG blessing. I’ve shared the heartache of the last year and I sometimes worry that these devastating attempts may discourage others who are contemplating IVF or have discovered that that is their last option to achieve a pregnancy, so I wanted to share my success story! So here goes…

When we found out that IVF was our best shot and the doctor encouraged us to skip any other methods {IUI, artificial insemination, etc} I realized our situation was worse than I even thought. I wasn’t necessarily surprised, but the reality of it all set in that much more. The doctor told us we were great candidates for IVF and suspected we had a 70% success rate in doing it. This is pretty good considering that the “normal” woman has a 20-25% success rate each month in their normal cycle.

We then talked about the costs. This was the scary part and so much so, that we didn’t immediately sign up. In everything that led us to this point, the financial aspect wasn’t as concerning. Sure, it was a burden, we spent a few thousand out of pocket to get this far but that paled in comparison to what IVF was going to cost. This was something we were going to have to discuss more and figure out if we really could swing it.

We prayed about it, we thought of ways to save some money, and we talked to family. I remember sitting with my parents and crying, telling them how badly we want this but the financial cost was so heavy I didn’t know if we could. I remember feeling angry that for us to try to have a baby, was going to cost a small fortune and so many others out there have unwanted children and abort them so easily. My dad looked at me and said “You have to try. It’s just money and if you don’t do it, you’ll never know. You have to try.” I don’t know that he even realizes how much comfort that gave me. I took a step back and thought yes, it’s just money and we have to try.

We figured out the finances and moved forward with scheduling.

I got my medication. Now, you may or may not realize, but everything with IVF is regulated, not just a little, but a LOT. Medications are started on a certain day of the cycle. Certain medications are given at a certain time of day. Appointments are scheduled ahead of time on certain days to have invasive ultrasounds completed to check how the body is responding and the medication and dosages may be changed depending on how the body is responding to those certain medications given on certain days at certain times. {That has to be a run on sentence…sorry grammar people!}

Well, on the day I was scheduled to start my medication (shots of hormones I had to inject myself) I was ready and eager to go. I double and triple checked my directions and schedule and went for it. I checked this every morning before I dosed myself to make sure I was giving the correct thing at the correct time.

Well, 3-4 days into it, I realized that somehow I messed up and I had been over dosing and giving myself the wrong amount of hormones!!! I was giving myself about double what I needed of one certain type of hormone. I bawled! I didn’t know how I messed this up, but I thought for sure I screwed it up bad enough and that I had wasted this cycle and all that expensive medication. Luckily I was scheduled to go in the next day for one of those fun ultrasounds. I immediately called the doctors office to tell them what I had done. They reassured me I was probably ok, and they would just see what was going on the following day.

At my ultrasound, they discovered that my ovaries were definitely responding to the over dose of the meds! But surprisingly, it wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. They had me back down on how much I was injecting and continued to monitor. I think I cried again {I did a LOT of crying!} because I was so relieved!

About a week later, I had my last {this time not invasive because they couldn’t with out causing harm to the ovaries and eggs} ultrasound to discover that I had enough eggs measuring large enough to extract. They told me whatever I had done as far as the over dose goes, had caused for numerous large eggs…more than typical, and there were going to be plenty to extract. And I could FEEL IT!!!! These eggs are teeny tiny to the naked eye, but they were filling my ovaries and it HURT!!! I literally could hardly walk because the pressure of every step hurt my abdomen so bad…and I’m not exaggerating! Think of when your bladder is so full after a long road trip, that you’re not sure you’re going to make it to the bathroom….then multiply by 10!

On the day of extraction I was in a lot of constant pain from these numerous, large eggs inside my body and eager to get them out. I couldn’t imagine what pregnancy was going to be like if this is what some small eggs felt like! I could hardly lift myself onto the table to prep for the event. During extraction, I was put under as this is another invasive {and probably unpleasant if conscious!} procedure that takes some time.

When I came to again, I was still so sore because my ovaries were stretched. I was informed they were able to take 24 eggs that were large enough to fertilize. This is a crazy high number and not typical, but they chalked it up to the over dose. My fear, and theirs, was that in getting so many large eggs in such a short amount of time, the quality of the eggs themselves would likely not be as good. I was told it would be very unlikely that they all fertilize, but I should certainly have some options to choose from out of this!

With IVF, once the eggs are extracted, they take them to the lab to be fertilized by the sperm. If you recall from Trying to Understand the Unexplained, Eric’s issue had been corrected by some supplements and vitamins and his sample was looking good. There was no need for special assistance to the swimmers. My very unscientific understanding is that in the lab, they pretty much just put the sperm on top of the eggs and let them do their thing.

We found out the following day, that 17 of the 24 eggs fertilized into embryos. Of the 17, 14 would make it to day 5 {5 days post extraction} when the transfer was scheduled. The quality/grading of the embryos was not as high as one would have liked, but the doctor took the best 2 of these, and put them back in me. I was told the lab would contact me in 5 days to tell me how many of the remaining 12 embryos made it to the stage in which they could be frozen and saved for future attempts. Then, 5 days after that, I would come back in for the blood work and pregnancy test. I was advised not to test before my 10 day appointment as the result from home pregnancy tests are not as accurate. Then the waiting began.

I was so anxious! We did our transfer on a Saturday and it was Easter the following day. I was instructed to take it easy for at least the next 48 hours after my transfer, so that meant no participating in the traditional adult Easter egg hunt that my aunt and uncle put on each year {it’s a serious competition!}. All of my family was aware of the prior day’s events and so there were lots of “how are you feeling?” and “we’re praying for you guys!” going on. I especially remember my grandma telling me how much she was praying for me. It meant so much to her because she could see how much it meant to me.

The waiting continued. The anxious thoughts of “what if it doesn’t work” continued. I at least felt relief that out of 12 embryos left, we would certainly have some that could freeze and if this round didn’t work, we could try again with frozen embryos. {Frozen embryo transfers are a BREEZE compared to fresh embryo transfers!}

Day 5 came and the call from the lab came. The news I did not expect came. We had no embryos left to freeze. The person on the other end told me this happens sometimes and it’s actually more uncommon to have eggs leftover to freeze because it’s difficult for them to survive that long outside of their natural habitat {the womb}. I think she was just trying to pacify me and get me off the phone before I broke down. I was devastated and I cried….again.

We still had 5 days to wait until our appointment! I was crushed at this news and felt so much more pressure riding on those cooking embryos! I felt more stress and anxiety than I already was feeling and was even kind of angry that the lab had gave me this kind of news this before the 10 day mark. I was as lazy as I could be to ensure I didn’t trip or overwork myself and wanted to give those babies the best shot!

Finally, day 10…the big day! I had held off any pre-appointment testing at the instruction of the doctors office. I went in for my blood work that morning and gave my urine sample to be tested as well, only to wait a few more hours until our appointment.

They took us back to our private waiting room. I remember being sweaty from nerves and ready to explode with tears at any moment. The nurse told us the doctor would be in shortly and gave us no indication as to what news we were about to discover. The doctor walked in and calmly asked,

“How are you guys doing today?”

We both looked at him and said,

“We don’t know! You tell us!”

“Oh, well you’re pregnant, so that’s good!”

He said this so nonchalantly that it took a second to set in. Then the oh so common tears, the really ugly crying, blowing my nose, and heaving because all that stress dissipated at once! I could hardly catch my breath because I was so overwhelmed with joy and pure happiness. I have never felt so much relief in my life!!!!

After a few minutes, I gained my composure and we talked about the next few weeks, what to expect, and scheduling another appointment for my 9 week check up. My HSG levels were high, but just based on the blood work, they could not tell if I was pregnant with twins {keep in mind 2 embryos were put back in} or only one miracle baby.

At my 9 week appointment, I received a welcomed NON-invasive ultrasound to confirm only 1 baby. It was A-MAZING! At 9 weeks, he already looked like a little alien baby with a distinct head and other features. We were somewhat relieved to discover only 1 baby {kids are expensive post utero!!!!} and so was the doctor. They always prefer only 1 as IVF pregnancies are already considered high risk and are more likely to deliver pre 40 weeks compared to a “natural” pregnancy.

I carried my pregnancy to 37 1/2 weeks It was discovered in a routine appointment, that my water had slowly been leaking for a few days {I couldn’t figure out why my undies were always wet….I was sure I wasn’t peeing myself!} and so my doctor told me to head over to the hospital. I was induced and with that medication, contractions were intense! I asked for the epidural after about 2 hours of labor. This was the BEST decision ever! I was a new person and actually ENJOYED my labor and delivery. The feeling I felt when I saw Lincoln for the first time was indescribable. I was overcome with a flood of love for this little being that I put so much effort into. This was my son!

So that’s my success story! With Lincoln, as an embryo he did not look as “quality” as most of the embryo’s from this last year. At 20 weeks, they noticed a spot on his heart on the ultra sound and had to prep us for what this could mean and once born, we had to have this checked out for a possible heart condition. When he was delivered, we discovered that there was a knot in the umbilical cord that was loose enough while in utero, but tighten up completely at the end. He was at high risk of infection because my water had been leaking for an unknown amount of time. But through all of that, he was a gift, purposely blessed upon us, by our Creator. He is our miracle and I am so grateful to have him in our lives.

I am forever changed and forever blessed, to be HIS mom, even if only ever his.

Twas the night before Transfer….

June 8, 20163 Comments

I love Christmas! As a kid, I remember I would sometimes ask {read: BEG} my parents to let me open a gift early. Seeing the gifts under the tree and imaging {sometimes knowing because I was terrible at snooping for the presents before they were wrapped} what was in those paper wrapped boxes, got me so excited! I couldn’t wait for that day to come and would often have a hard time sleeping the night before….because I was just too eager for that big day!!!

When Christmas morning finally arrived, on the calendar it was just another day, but it was CHRISTMAS!!!! I had no problem getting out of bed, running down stairs, and opening the stockings! We would go to church, spend the day with our extended family, and enjoy the gifts we received.

I still get excited for Christmas and other holidays or vacations, like I did when I was a kid. Now it’s more so because I envision time off from work and spending hours with my family, playing games, laughing, and eating all kinds of not-so-healthy food together. Spending time with my family is my favorite thing and I know I am already so fortunate in life to have a family that I do enjoy spending so much time with!

On the eve of Transfer Day, I will not be losing any sleep. I’m not sure if that’s kind of sad, or actually good?? Don’t get me wrong, I am looking forward to tomorrow and completing the transfer, but part of me feels like it’s just another day. Another doctor appointment, another procedure, another step taken to have another child. I find that I’m not allowing myself to envision what’s in the “wrapped box” {potential child!!!} and rather am bracing myself for what I feel like is inevitable….another failure, another disappointment, another heartbreak.

OK, OK…..I’m not trying to be a Debbie Downer, believe me. I’m just going into self-protection mode, here. Any of you women out there who have longed for the stick to turn pink, understand what I’m talking about. I do still have hope that things will work out, that an embryo will stick around for the long haul, but I don’t want to let myself get so high, that I’m crushed if I have to come down.

I know that God is in control of this situation. I know that me stressing & worrying & loosing sleep over it, won’t change the outcome {if anything, it’s harmful to the situation!}. I know he wants me to be faithful and put my dependence, my contentment in life, and my self worth and value into Him….not me being a mom. But knowing those things and acting on them can look very different.

I can’t say “Thank-You” enough to all of you who have been praying for us the last several weeks. I honestly have not felt as stressed and as much of a wreck as past attempts. I know that that’s not my own doing, that’s God giving me peace!

My mom sent me a great devotional yesterday from Rick Warren, very fitting for me this week! The verse included was Psalm 46:10 “Let go of your concerns! Then you will know that I am God. I rule the nations. I rule the earth.” I’m choosing to not let my emotions control me, either good or bad, this week. I’m praying for continued peace from God and also of course, that this will be our last round of IVF!!!

Countdown to Transfer!!!

June 4, 20162 Comments

Next week Thursday….that’s the big day! I can hardly believe the day is so near and I’m finding myself filled with hope, fear, angst, excitement and a whole lot more! I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous. There is so much build up leading to this day!! So many perfectly scheduled appointments and procedures, doses of just the right medication on the right days at the right time. All of this dedication to the goal and hope of getting pregnant comes down to one day, one last procedure and then the real waiting begins.

We have two embryos frozen in a tube somewhere. God willing, they will both survive the thawing process and both will be placed in another tube. I will lie on a cold table, in a sterile room, with a very full bladder. The doctor will insert the tube while my husband stands by my side and we watch on the screen as they are placed inside my womb {sounds romantic, right??}. Instantly, I’ll be able to see my two babies-to-be {under crazy magnification that is!}! Isn’t it incredible what modern medicine is able to do!!??

I have found myself pleading to God that this time it will work, that God will answer our prayers, dreams, and wishes and that at least 1 of these embryos will implant. I don’t want to continue to put my body through this process. I’m sick of needles and patches and pills. I’m tired of the high doses of hormones that cause me to feel bloated all the time and gain weight. In this moment right now, I honestly don’t know if I can/want to do this again. {I say this now, but my desire for a baby and another child is so great that who am I kidding??! Of course I would do it again…I think!}

According to my ultrasound yesterday, things look great in there! My body responds perfectly to the medication and on paper, there is no reason for this not to work! But ultimately, the doctors and myself can only do so much. I cannot control whether or not the embryos will implant. All I can do is hope, think positively, be as stress free as possible, and PRAY!

I’m hoping you will pray with us! There is power in prayer, so spread the word!!!

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7

I’m on pins and needles!

May 30, 2016Leave a comment

Or rather, they’re on me!

Have you ever done Acupuncture? This traditionally eastern medical practice is believed to help stimulate nerves, muscles and connective tissue and boost your body’s natural pain killers and increase blood flow. Acupuncture has become a popular therapy in western medical practice for many patients who may be undergoing chemo, having migraines, muscle pain, infertility, and the list goes on and on.

I was referred to try out Acupuncture by my mom before we even saw our reproductive specialist in Sioux Falls. She had heard about the benefits of acupuncture with infertility from her chiropractor and gave my mom the name of a practicing chiropractor and acupuncturist in Sioux Falls for me to check out. At this point, we had made the appointment with our fertility doctor and were just waiting to get in with him.

Now, in all of my google searches, research on how to get pregnant, and info on infertility, I had come across articles on acupuncture and infertility. I’ll be honest, it didn’t sound that great to me and I didn’t know anyone personally who had benefited from it and didn’t know of any practicing acupuncturist’s {nor had I really looked}. Frankly, I didn’t like needles and the idea of laying on a bed being stuck with needles all over my body didn’t sound like anything I wanted to check out! But again, I was willing to trying most anything and I had about a month until we were getting into the doctor, so what the heck!

I was so glad I did! No, I didn’t get pregnant by just doing acupuncture {although those success stories are out there!} but I did reduce my stress through the whole IVF process and also gained a lot of real knowledge {not just the stuff I was reading on the internet} from my acupuncturist. I also discovered that acupuncture itself is pretty much painless. There is a small amount of pressure when the teeny, tiny needle goes in, but there aren’t that many needles and you really don’t feel them {unless they go a little too far and hit the nerve, which yes does happen but it’s not that bad!}. Then I would lay in a quiet, warm, dark room, listening to soft music and was directed to just “relax”. Sometimes, I couldn’t shut my mind off and the 30 minutes felt like forever because I was thinking of everything else I needed to be doing!!! But then sometimes I fell asleep laying there as I allowed my mind to just rest and enjoy the peace in the moment.

After we met with our doctor and discovered we’d be going down the path of IVF, we were actually referred to the chiropractor/acupuncturist I was already treating with! It wasn’t required that I do acupuncture, but my doctor and the nurses understood the major benefits of it and encouraged all their IVF patients to try it out. I felt like I kind of had a leg up having already had a few acupuncture sessions under my belt! I continued to do acupuncture once every 1-2 weeks through our 1st IVF experience all the way through our transfer day.

Now I can’t say that Acupuncture was the reason for our success, but I do believe that it contributed! Going through in vitro the first time around, I was so emotional. I felt a lot of hopelessness and uncertainty. I was stressed, taking that out on myself mentally, emotionally, and by not physically taking care of myself…oh and Eric, he took the brunt of that stress too! After a few sessions of acupuncture, I could feel some of the tension that had built up in my body, releasing and my mind calming down. Not only that, but my acupuncturist was amazing…as a person! She helped relieve some of my emotional stress by taking the time to listen and talk through some things with me. She was very experienced in working with hundreds of other women going through this same journey as me. She sat and listened to my personal story, encouraged me to let myself cry {sometimes in office} and not build up the negative feelings and emotions that were weighing me down. She was truly a Godsend and I still see her to this day for chiropractic and acupuncture care.

Now you might be wondering, if I’m doing acupuncture again and I think it’s so great, why haven’t I gotten pregnant?? I go back to what I said before. I don’t believe acupuncture was the only reason for our success with my pregnancy. What it did do for me though is taught me how to focus my mind and not allow myself to stress and take it out on my body. It taught me the importance of taking time for me and taking care of myself emotionally, mentally and physically. This is important for everyone going through anything! Stress and running yourself down, does you no favors and will likely only hinder your chances of success….at whatever it is you’re trying to accomplish.

Now here’s my plug….if you’re battling infertility, considering trying acupuncture if you haven’t already. {And when I say trying it out, give it at least 3-4 sessions before you decide you don’t like it! Just like with any medication you take, it has to build up in your system and I believe acupuncture is the same way.} Go into it with any open mind, understanding it may not make you pregnant, but it may reduce some of your self induced stress that’s hindering your chances. I really can’t say enough good things about how it reduced my stress and hope it can do the same for you!

PS~If you live in the Sioux Falls area, check out Natural Arts Chiropractic.…they are amazing!!!