December 27, 2018 Everson Dean Reuer arrived in this world at 10:28 AM.  His birth story is much different than I had imagined it being… 17 1/2 hours long, an epidural that wore off too soon, a 2nd epidural that was placed wrong and a 3rd that didn’t do the trick, having to manually flip his body in the birth cannel {twice….with a failing epidural….OUCH!!!} and finally his tiny body being placed on me, skin to skin, and seeing his beautiful face for the first time….worth all of the heartache, prayers and waiting!

There is nothing that compares to meeting your child for the first time.  If they could capture that feeling in a drug it would be highly addictive and constantly sought after!  In an instant, the tears of pure agony and pain turn to those of happiness and unconditional love and in a moment, all of it was worth it for this little life lying on top of you.  It really is the most beautiful and incomparable thing.

Everson is a month old already.  I could share so many details about his birth and the last 4 weeks, but the most important thing is the he and I are doing well!  He’s a great eater and pooper {that’s important!} and a pretty good sleeper too for being 4 weeks old!  He loves being held and having a bath. Our family is so in love with him, including his older brother!  Lincoln can’t get enough of that soft baby skin and the intoxicating baby smell!   In fact, he’s already asking for bunk beds for when Everson gets older…we’ll see how long that desire lasts!

The last month has been busy and at times overwhelming.  We moved to a new home only 5 days after Everson was born.  It has been a process getting settled in, but most of the boxes are unpacked at this point.  The new house is very quickly becoming our new home and we love it!

On January 11, we celebrated Isaiah’s 2nd heavenly birthday.  Instead of only sadness, I found myself feeling happy and even joy for where life has taken us.  Of course I still miss our Isaiah and wish things had gone differently.  But on that day, as I held Everson in my arms, I knew each of us {including Isaiah} were exactly where God always intended us to be.  I looked back over the last 3+ years since starting the journey towards another child and thought of all of the highs and lows.  To see where we are now, it was all absolutely worth it and I’m so grateful for God carrying us through it!  Isaiah will always be a part of this family and his name and story will forever be a welcome memory and a meeting that we look forward to, in our home.

On January 12, we said goodbye one last time to my grandmother who has gone on ahead of us to heaven.  Unfortunately, she wasn’t able to meet Everson in her last days but I celebrate that she’s no longer in pain or suffering.  Instead of holding Everson I imagine her finally meeting Isaiah and holding him in our absence.  One glorious day we will see her again and I cherish the knowledge and anticipation of that day!

Between all of the “extra” stuff in the last month, we have been getting used to being a family of 4 and adjusting to new routines.  I have just over 7 more weeks of maternity leave and in that time, I plan to soak up as much of my boys as I possibly can before the distraction of work also becomes a part of our routine!

As I bring this to an end, I am left feeling so grateful, blessed, fortunate and overjoyed at where God has placed me in life at this moment.  I can look back on it all and see that God truly did know what he was doing and had a plan all along.  Yes, there’s a 7 year gap between my boys and many people may think that odd or sad, but now that I’m in it, I can confidently say that God knew that’s what was right for our family!  One of my favorite things about having a newborn in the house again, is Lincoln.  I love watching him at 7 take it all in, being a helpful big brother and seeing the love that he’s experiencing for another human other than himself!  He’s been on this tumultuous journey with us all along and he’s getting to experience the dedication that’s paid off right beside us.  It’s been a learning experience and faith tester not only for us, but for him as well and I believe that’s an added gift from God.

I have to say “thank-you” to you all again.  Some of you have already gotten the opportunity to meet Everson and see our blessing in person.  Some of you may never get that chance because you’ve been tuning in on our journey and praying for us from afar.  To each of you, I’m so grateful.  I know without a doubt that Everson’s story is not just comprised of us and our immediate family and friends, but of each and every one of you.  It’s all of your prayers and support that helped carry us to this point.  After each failed transfer, praying us through the many procedures, grieving our losses with us….you’re all a part of this beautiful ending!

I started this blog as a way to share my experience and I feel that it’s ending with so much more than I hoped it to be!  I am hopeful that my story has helped anyone else struggling with infertility & loss and/or shed light to these sensitive situations to those not directly effected by them.  I will continue to share my story openly and am always looking to be a cheerleader, listening ear or pray warrior for anyone else in a similar situation.

I will try to check in and update you all on our family’s events, sharing photos and life stages as we go along!  But for now, Becoming Mommy, has served it’s intended purpose and I’m closing this chapter in life…at least for now!

You probably read the title and figured I had some really exciting and surprising news to share!  Well, I do, but probably not what you’re thinking 🙂

Monday I had my follow up ultrasound to see how my lining and body responded to the extra hormones over the weekend.  Thankfully, most everything responded perfectly!  My lining went from a 2.4 on Friday to a 9.5 on Monday…..which is awesome news!!!  My levels looked mostly good but they did have me up some of the medications I’m on in preparation for transfer.

Transfer is set for Saturday morning…..YAY!!!!  I’m feeling so good to finally be at this point in the game.  I know there is a lot that still needs to go right, but the fact that we’re not being delayed again feels like a victory that I’m not taking for granted!!!

So why the title?

Well, the 40 week count for any pregnancy actually starts at the beginning of one’s cycle, therefore, I’m actually 2 1/2 weeks pregnant already 😉  The baby{babies} have been conceived, he/she/they just need to implant and continue growing!

Another crazy thing to think about is, these babies-in-the-making were actually conceived over a year ago!  Last September is when I did my last egg retrieval and a year ago on 10/8 is when we transferred Isaiah so technically these babes have a year of existence under their belt already….just in the frozen state.  Hopefully that means they are hardy and strong and able to make it through to the next stage!

I’m feeling more excited and hopeful then I expected based on our passed experiences.  I think a big reason is I know that no matter the outcome, all of this was in God’s plan and He has a purpose for it….even all the crap we’ve gone through to get here. I also have a sense of contentment with being a 3 person family, that I wouldn’t have expected, if that is the ultimate outcome.  I’m grateful for the hopeful feelings, but feel even more fortunate to have the contentedness in my heart.

Thanks again for all your prayers, messages and positive thoughts!  I appreciate it more than I can relay!!

“You will keep in perfect peace, all who trust in You, all who’s thoughts are fixed on You!” Isaiah 26:3

I’ve been through this play act so many times, it’s got to end eventually, right?!  But thus far, my efforts haven’t made the cut and I’m still standing here trying to get it right.  I’ve changed medications, regimen, diet, exercise…you name I’ve tried it and it all feels futile!

Incase you can’t tell by the title, we’re preparing for yet another transfer.  Still trying for a baby (Act 3), transferring 2 embryos we have frozen already (Scene 2) and our 7th attempt (Take 7) in the last 2 years.

It’s really disheartening when I read that back 😦  I can’t believe I’m still here 2 years later and that I’ve gone through this process 7 times…and I’m still going!!!!  I’m either really strong or really stupid…it just depends on who you ask I guess.  Which ever it is, I just don’t know how to quit when there is still that chance to bring home a baby.  So for now, we just keep going until we know we can’t.

Today I had my follow up appointment to check my lining and see if it’s cooperating this time.  The last 2 transfers have been cancelled due to lining issues so I went in to this appointment today expecting the worst but hoping for the best.  Unfortunately, we didn’t get what we hoped for.

Instead we found that my lining is still very thin.  I’m not left feeling overly confident, but it’s still early and so they’ve changed up my protocol again, added in some additional estrogen pills and shots to give me a boost, and I’ll follow up again on Monday morning to see how things progressed over the weekend.

My biggest fear is that come Monday, things haven’t improved enough and we have to delay again.  I’m at the point in this 2 year journey, that I just want to get off the ride!  I’ve come to terms that we may be a single kid family.  I can handle this. I feel forever fortunate to have the incredible son I have and beyond blessed to be a mom already.  But right now, I just feel stuck in limbo.  I want to move forward as a family of 3, but while those embryos are sitting in that freezer, I know I will just always wonder “what if” if we don’t thaw them and give it another try.  I wish I could skip to the end of the script, read the last chapter to see how it all plays out and prepare myself for my role in life moving forward, but I can’t….

Only the Director {God} knows how this one goes and how my story will unfold on Monday.  In the meantime, I’d really appreciate prayers that my body will respond as we hope and that I’m able to report good news after next week’s visit!

Since my last update a lot has changed.  It’s been about a month now since my last transfer procedure was cancelled due to an underdeveloped uterine lining.  Since then, I’ve had another cycle cancelled and the experts and myself are at a loss as to why.  Why did my body decide to start throwing this curve ball now?  Why am I not responding to the medications like I have in the passed?  Why can’t I just get pregnant already??

Since then my mind has been all over the place.  One hour I would feel like I wanted to move forward at all costs, the next I was deciding that maybe being a 3 person family was best.  I was on one end of the spectrum to the other and every where in between and all in the same hour sometimes!  I found myself confused and unsure on how I wanted to proceed, how I wanted to control the situation.

Over the last two years, my prayers have also been changing.  When we started this journey, my prayers were simple and consisted of “please bless and grow our family, please give us this desire”.  Then, even before the positive pregnancy test with Isaiah, my prayers changed to “please bless and grow our family, but if that’s not your will, please help me to accept that”.  After our loss, they changed again to “give us a baby to replace the one you took and heal this wound”.  In the last few weeks, my prayers have changed again.  I feel more mature {even though I certainly don’t always act like it} and I find myself coming to peace with the realization that God doesn’t make mistakes.  My prayers are now simple again, asking “your will be done in my life”.

So here we are now, at a stand still.  2 years later, no baby and no idea what our future holds.  For now, we’re taking some time off.  We still have 3 frozen embryos to use and most likely, we’ll use them…..eventually.  I’m trying not to be so scheduled, not to make a timeline, not to give myself the illusion that I’m in control of this because as much as I want to be and think I can be, I know that I’m not.

I’m still saddened when I think back over the pain we’ve gone through with all of this, but I’m grateful to be where I am now.  I know that even if our future does not include another little one, we still have a future.  Life will continue and we will continue to make the most of the life he’s given us.

I saw this phrase today on a billboard on my way to work and it felt so incredibly fitting. I feel like my current storm continues to grow darker and darker, with what feels like no end in sight.  Reading the phrase today put a smile on my face and was the reminder that I needed that something beautiful will come of all of this.

We had another set back last week, our storm grew darker still.

On Friday I had another appointment for an ultrasound and labs in preparation for the scheduled FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) we had scheduled for this coming Friday.  Unfortunately, they discovered that my lining had thickened up nicely, however there appeared to be cysts within the lining itself and I received the devastating news that our transfer had to be cancelled.

I discussed with the PA the possibility of pushing it back a week, tweaking my meds to see if the lining would shape up, if there was anything we could do to salvage this last 5 weeks of preparation.  The answer was no.  She informed me that in these situations they typically find that the problem only grows worse and so the only option is to shed the lining and grow a new one.

In all 7 transfers I’ve had leading up to this one, this has never happened to me before.  I’ve heard of other women having lining issues, that it won’t thicken to the necessary measurements, but that’s never been a problem for me.  My doctor had been concerned for my lining after our miscarriage and D&C, but we were all happily surprised at how well my lining looked before our last failed FET in May.  This new development was a surprise to the U/S tech who scanned me, the doctor who reviewed the scans, and the PA who delivered the despairing news to me.  But I honestly wasn’t surprised.

I wouldn’t say I was expecting that my lining wouldn’t look good, but I was just anticipating something else standing in the way.  In all the past transfers we’ve done, I’ve always asked for work off as soon as I knew the scheduled date, typically 3-4 weeks in advance.  But this time, I didn’t.  This time I told myself that just incase things didn’t go as planned, I wouldn’t schedule work off until after the appointment on Friday morning.  Some might think that my lack of scheduling off work played some kind of role in the negative outcome.  I think it was likely just God preparing me for the disheartening news.

The PA couldn’t tell me why the lining didn’t grow like it should have or has in the past, but that likely the way that my medical protocol was switched contributed to it greatly.  I thought back on my own lifestyle choices that I had made since the last transfer and compared my diet and exercise from then and now.  It was hard not to feel like I had caused this somehow, but it was also impossible to know.  So many impossible answers and unknowns in the lottery of IVF.

The PA informed me once I start my cycle again, I’ll come back in and do the scans and review what protocol to go with for the rescheduled FET and that it would likely occur sometime in August, but we couldn’t know when until my cycle starts.  I didn’t stick around to ask too many questions, I just wanted to get out of there before I had a serious breakdown.  I could see how bad she felt, telling me that even the doctor said “Kayla just can’t catch a break” as she reviewed my scans.  Somehow, I found a little comfort in hearing that the staff there is also sharing in the frustration with me.  They don’t feel the same kind of hurt I do each time another “storm” pops up, but I know they are hurting with me and continue to want to support me through it.

To say I was feeling disappointment with the news would be a huge understatement.  I was angry, just angry, and for so many different reasons.  For the first time in the last 22 months since starting this all, I let anger out and didn’t try to veil it with anything nice.  I honestly questioned if God truly did have my best interest in his heart for me, if he really does have and want good for my life.  I didn’t want anyone to try to cheer me up, I only wanted to be angry…..at least for a few hours.

By mid afternoon, I was feeling some better and Eric and I talked through why this small setback pushed me over my threshold for bad news. In reality, looking from the outside in to our situation, this was a setback by maybe another 4-6 weeks.  No big deal, right?  WRONG.  To me, it was just that, another set back, another thing my body failed me at, another thing keeping me from what I want so badly, something that most other can just have. Waiting another 4-6 weeks may not seem like much to someone not in my shoes, but what I heard was 4-6 weeks of more medications, more doctors appointments, more scans and 4-6 weeks longer I have to wait for the chance to become pregnant.  {Remember, still no guarantees!}

I was also looking forward to some finality in all of this.  We have been at this for nearly 2 years and it’s taken a toll on both of us emotionally, physically, financially and spiritually.  My body, mind and spirit {and wallet} are exhausted by the constant appointments followed by what feels like content bad news.  This delay also pushes off any of that finality I was hoping to feel, at least another 4-6 weeks.

As the storm grows darker again, I’m now back to trying to stay positive and think about what I can do in my situation rather than focusing on the thing I’m feeling held down by.  I know this storm will come to an end someday and it’s going to have a beautiful, bright rainbow with it.  I don’t know what that rainbow looks like, I know it is not guaranteed to be the baby I envision and pray for.  Rather, it may be acceptance and peace or it may be self strength and contentedness in what God’s done in my life.  Whatever the rainbow, I know there’s a promise from God in it and he continues to watch over and protect me through this storm.