God. Is. So. Good.

September 26, 2021Leave a comment

I’ve said since I started blogging {however many years ago that was already!} that I knew then that God had a plan for our struggle, our journey, our story. I never knew for sure what the next chapter looked like, what obstacles we’d face or where the road would exactly lead us but I KNEW beyond doubt that God already had it written and would reveal his plan in time. This last Friday felt like the next step in a new direction and we are so excited to see how God has already written His grand story and is just now revealing it all to us!

If you’ve stayed current in lives or read my last post from several months ago, you’ll know we were in the process of adopting out our remaining embryos. Well, a couple of weeks ago, we took the next step and signed over our legal rights to our frozen genes and are praying earnestly that in a few months we’ll be getting an update that this beautiful, God fearing couple is expecting!

To bring you up to speed, this is the 3rd couple who’s profile was shared with us since April. Each time we received that email with a link to a profile and photo(s), we prayed and gave thoughtful consideration to who we felt these people were (based on very little information, keep in mind) and what they were asking for. We could hear the desire to grow a family in each of the profile letters we read. These couples so greatly wanted to grow their family and each one of their stories brought me to tears. They were all in a very difficult spot, one I’d never felt the weight of. Although my ability to get pregnant was challenging and required patience, I wasn’t impeded by the same obstacle they each had.

As I type this, it feels insensitive to try to even relate because I just feel so fortunate to have had the journey we had rather than the one they are each facing.

Saying “no thank you” to the first 2 couples wasn’t easy. It didn’t feel right to be able to put pause on their dream. But in the same moment, we were praying and listening to who God was leading us to.

I remember getting the email with the profile for the 3rd couple. I was out of town for work and shot a text to Eric that there was another match. I instantly read their letter and scanned through their pictures. There were several things that stood out to me and my heart leaped as I thought these could be the ones!!

Saying “yes” was easy, but we knew it wasn’t the finale. We had also said “yes” to the 2nd couple initially and then had a change of heart and were sent back to drawing pool. The next step after saying “yes” is the mediation process, which is somewhat daunting. We had to come to a legal agreement for the future of these embryos with nearly complete strangers. Every person {including Eric and myself} might have a slightly different idea of how they want the next 18+ years to look like with their potential child. Eric and I would have most of the say-so up front, but once we signed that dotted line, it would be taken out of our hands and up to the other family to honor. Ultimately, we wanted to be as involved or uninvolved, as the birth parents would feel was right for their child/children.

We had already been through the contract and mediation process with the 1st couple we said yes to and our hearts desires for these potential children had not changed so there was no updates to our “asks” of this new couple. That helped to speed things up and the social worker sent this off to be reviewed. With what had felt like only a matter of days, the other couple had agreed to our “wants”, including a face-to-face {at least a 2021 version of face-to-face….Google Meet} chat with this couple. It all felt surreal and everything was falling into place so smoothly, other than finding the time in our busy schedules to “meet”! We signed the contract and gave over our legal rights to the 5 embryos I once held inside of me, right next to our Everson, to this couple we’d never met, trusting that God’s hand was in it all.

This last Friday {9/24/21} we had the unique opportunity and pleasure to talk to, ask questions of and share our story and future desires, with this couple. We shared laughs, tears and our hearts with them and I’m praying we have many more to share in coming months and years. They are imprinted in my mind and heart and my prayers are covering them over these next several weeks and months to come!

We all agreed that this “transaction” is one of love above all. Eric and I have so much love for these 5 frozen, conceived lives that we couldn’t imagine giving them anything other than a chance at a life for Him. This couple hadn’t seen the dream of having their own pregnancy as a reality until as of late. They always saw adoption as a part of their story but not this route of it. COVID and the inconveniences that may have come with it, is what pushed them to look in the direction that led them to us. As ugly, desperate and life shaking as COVID has been, I can stop and appreciate that even from a terrible situation, God can and will do good in our lives.

We were able to spend a short 45 minutes getting a small glimpse of who this couple is. I walked away feeling such a sense of peace and excitement for what God is doing in all of our lives.

Nearly 11 years ago when we discovered IVF would be the path to growing our family, I had no idea that through it, we could be helping another family outside of ourselves. Instead of being able to see that bigger plan {the one that God always knew}, I was consumed by the immediate roadblocks, challenges and difficulties. Although I don’t blame my former self for feeling the way I felt, Friday was a reminder to me that God’s plan is always bigger and better than my own!

It’s not my place to share the story of the other couple and we know that any child/children born by them and from our embryos, are THEIR child/children, not our own. We will always respect their comfort level of sharing and trust that as parents, they will do the right thing for their child/children just as we would our own. I have visions of a future relationship with this family and their children, but I also know in my heart that I will never be their mommy, they will not come to me when they are hurting, I won’t be there to experience their first steps and much of their lives I won’t be able to be a part of, but something I will always undoubtably have for them, regardless of our relationship status, is love.

To My Son I Feared I’d Never Have

December 27, 2019December 27, 2019Leave a comment

“He has made everything beautiful in it’s time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.” – Ecclesiastes 3:11

Life looks so different today than it did 3 years ago.

3 years ago, I was just getting over the morning sickness. I was just finishing up with all the hormone shots. I was getting some of my energy back. I was starting to feel a little better. Our family was over-the-moon excited to grow into having a 4th member in the summer of 2017.

3 years ago at this time, I was carrying your brother and you were not yet even a thought in my mind….

2 years ago we were still hurting. We were still slowly picking up the pieces after we lost your brother, Isaiah. We were trying to move forward and to heal but our hearts still ached for what was missing. It was hard to see through the thick fog of loss and sorrow.

1 year ago, a new love entered this world and our family finally felt a sense of completion. You couldn’t replace Isaiah, he’s irreplaceable, just like you and like Lincoln. But you took you own place in our family, the spot God had designed specifically for you so many years ago.

Long before I even could imagine you, he had a beautiful plan laid out on an imperfect path. The road to you was bumpy, it was scary and among some of the twists and turns it took to get to you, I felt lost and wanted to quit moving. I wanted to go running back to where I had come from, where I had been before all of the loss.

But here I am now, a year down this new path in life, looking back in awe. I’m in awe of you and how easily we transitioned into having you in our daily lives. I’m in awe of the amount of love my heart can hold for you, Isaiah, Lincoln and your dad all at the same time. I’m in awe of God’s greater plan in the midst of the darkest pitfalls and the strength I found to work my way out of said pits {with His help of course!}. I’m in awe of you.

2017 was a long, hard year. It held a lot of dark feelings, bitterness and anger.

2018 was a bit brighter but still held so much fear and worry. I wasn’t sure if you would make it into my arms. 2017 had jaded me and it was hard to think positive throughout my pregnancy. It wasn’t until you were finally in my arms, screaming and crying, full of color and life, that I could take a breath of relief and move on to all the worries that followed your birth!

2019 has been one for the books! You’ve proven to be so much like your older brother, Lincoln. Aside from the fact that you are his look-a-like, you share a stubborn streak, dark eyes and mom’s heart! Unlike your brother, sleeping through the night took a bit longer to figure out, your immune system isn’t built quite as tough {I swear you pick up a new cold each time I turn around!} and you’re already so enthralled by music and books! I can’t wait to see what the next 365 days brings our family, but I am forever grateful that 1 year ago today, you made your entrance into our world and hearts forever.

3 years ago, it was your brother Isaiah’s future I was dreaming of. 2 years ago I wasn’t sure I’d ever be a mom again. 1 year ago, God blessed me with you.

As the next years and decades come and go, you will experience your own bumps and bruises in life. Someday, you will experience heart ache and you will question why God allows the bad things in life. You will get hurt and you may feel like quitting and giving up is easier, on both your heart & body. But as your mom, I know that these hard times that you will inevitably face in your future, are necessary and will build you into the man God intends you to be. My prayer for you everyday is not that you will not face struggle, but rather that you will turn the struggle into strength. That you will chase your dreams throughout the trials and that in the perfect timing of God’s will, he will reveal the reasons for the hurt, the wounds and the scars that may be left behind. He can and will replace those hard feelings with joy beyond belief.

We cannot fathom the things he has laid out before us and what we will experience, endure and evolve into from it all. But keep the faith and trust in his perfect plan.

In 1 short year, here are a few of the things you’ve already accomplished:

Several ear infections with tubes to follow at nearly 11 months old
Croup (2x) and RSV accompanied by an overnight hospital stay
Speed crawling!
8 teeth and counting
Sleeping through the night, followed by not sleeping through the night – this pattern continued far too many times! But I think we have it down now!
Being an expert eater followed by only wanting bottles or pouches – we’ll get better!
The loss of Grandma Cathy 😦
Saying “no” with all your might when you don’t want something!
Loving the water – tub, shower, hot tub, pool, heck even the dishwasher – it doesn’t matter!
Music can turn a sad Everson into a happy Everson in seconds
An infectious giggle
A temper, and persistance, just like your Dad {OK, maybe Mom too!}
Your brother’s biggest fan {and vice versa!}

Happy Birthday, Everson Dean. We love you more than words could ever say and we are so grateful for God bringing the joy only you could bring, into our lives!

A Beautiful Ending

January 27, 2019January 27, 2019Leave a comment

December 27, 2018 Everson Dean Reuer arrived in this world at 10:28 AM. His birth story is much different than I had imagined it being… 17 1/2 hours long, an epidural that wore off too soon, a 2nd epidural that was placed wrong and a 3rd that didn’t do the trick, having to manually flip his body in the birth cannel {twice….with a failing epidural….OUCH!!!} and finally his tiny body being placed on me, skin to skin, and seeing his beautiful face for the first time….worth all of the heartache, prayers and waiting!

There is nothing that compares to meeting your child for the first time. If they could capture that feeling in a drug it would be highly addictive and constantly sought after! In an instant, the tears of pure agony and pain turn to those of happiness and unconditional love and in a moment, all of it was worth it for this little life lying on top of you. It really is the most beautiful and incomparable thing.

Everson is a month old already. I could share so many details about his birth and the last 4 weeks, but the most important thing is the he and I are doing well! He’s a great eater and pooper {that’s important!} and a pretty good sleeper too for being 4 weeks old! He loves being held and having a bath. Our family is so in love with him, including his older brother! Lincoln can’t get enough of that soft baby skin and the intoxicating baby smell! In fact, he’s already asking for bunk beds for when Everson gets older…we’ll see how long that desire lasts!

The last month has been busy and at times overwhelming. We moved to a new home only 5 days after Everson was born. It has been a process getting settled in, but most of the boxes are unpacked at this point. The new house is very quickly becoming our new home and we love it!

On January 11, we celebrated Isaiah’s 2nd heavenly birthday. Instead of only sadness, I found myself feeling happy and even joy for where life has taken us. Of course I still miss our Isaiah and wish things had gone differently. But on that day, as I held Everson in my arms, I knew each of us {including Isaiah} were exactly where God always intended us to be. I looked back over the last 3+ years since starting the journey towards another child and thought of all of the highs and lows. To see where we are now, it was all absolutely worth it and I’m so grateful for God carrying us through it! Isaiah will always be a part of this family and his name and story will forever be a welcome memory and a meeting that we look forward to, in our home.

On January 12, we said goodbye one last time to my grandmother who has gone on ahead of us to heaven. Unfortunately, she wasn’t able to meet Everson in her last days but I celebrate that she’s no longer in pain or suffering. Instead of holding Everson I imagine her finally meeting Isaiah and holding him in our absence. One glorious day we will see her again and I cherish the knowledge and anticipation of that day!

Between all of the “extra” stuff in the last month, we have been getting used to being a family of 4 and adjusting to new routines. I have just over 7 more weeks of maternity leave and in that time, I plan to soak up as much of my boys as I possibly can before the distraction of work also becomes a part of our routine!

As I bring this to an end, I am left feeling so grateful, blessed, fortunate and overjoyed at where God has placed me in life at this moment. I can look back on it all and see that God truly did know what he was doing and had a plan all along. Yes, there’s a 7 year gap between my boys and many people may think that odd or sad, but now that I’m in it, I can confidently say that God knew that’s what was right for our family! One of my favorite things about having a newborn in the house again, is Lincoln. I love watching him at 7 take it all in, being a helpful big brother and seeing the love that he’s experiencing for another human other than himself! He’s been on this tumultuous journey with us all along and he’s getting to experience the dedication that’s paid off right beside us. It’s been a learning experience and faith tester not only for us, but for him as well and I believe that’s an added gift from God.

I have to say “thank-you” to you all again. Some of you have already gotten the opportunity to meet Everson and see our blessing in person. Some of you may never get that chance because you’ve been tuning in on our journey and praying for us from afar. To each of you, I’m so grateful. I know without a doubt that Everson’s story is not just comprised of us and our immediate family and friends, but of each and every one of you. It’s all of your prayers and support that helped carry us to this point. After each failed transfer, praying us through the many procedures, grieving our losses with us….you’re all a part of this beautiful ending!

I started this blog as a way to share my experience and I feel that it’s ending with so much more than I hoped it to be! I am hopeful that my story has helped anyone else struggling with infertility & loss and/or shed light to these sensitive situations to those not directly effected by them. I will continue to share my story openly and am always looking to be a cheerleader, listening ear or pray warrior for anyone else in a similar situation.

I will try to check in and update you all on our family’s events, sharing photos and life stages as we go along! But for now, Becoming Mommy, has served it’s intended purpose and I’m closing this chapter in life…at least for now!

One Last Update….Hopefully

December 11, 2018Leave a comment

I’ve officially made it to the “early term” rather than “pre term” mark in my pregnancy and I feel blessed and fortunate for it! But if I’m honest with you all, I’m also exhausted and anxious for this stage to be done!

Today I had my 37 week check up which included our final (hopefully!) scan and peak at baby boy before we meet him face to face! He was looking good and doing perfectly in there and on the move through out the whole scan! He stopped long enough for us to get a couple shots of his face, but it was difficult to get a really clear picture because he just kept moving! He was measuring at 6lbs 1oz and our doctor suspects he will be very similar in size to his big brother (Lincoln was 6 lbs 9 oz at delivery). He was doing his practice breathing which is great and had plenty of fluid still around him so overall, a very good update/scan.

We saw my doctor after the ultrasound and reviewed everything and how I’m feeling and what’s going on with my body at this point. But before I go into that, let me back up to my last visit…

I was in last week Thursday for my 36 week checkup. My doctor checked me at that point and I was at a 1.5 cm dilated and 80% effaced. We reviewed all the signs of labor and what to watch for, the false labor and what to do if I started to feel like I was going into labor or if my water broke. We left and I felt accomplished that I was at a 1.5! This by no means meant labor was right around the corner, but it was a good start for when it did happen!

Fast forward to Friday night. Around 7PM, I started having some contractions. They weren’t anything crazy, it was more pressure that I felt than pain, but they were consistent. One of the ideas that my doctor drilled in my head was that if they were intense enough that I wouldn’t be able to sleep through it and lasted 1-2 hours consistently, I should go in and get checked out. So, I waited for about 2 1/2 hours to make sure they weren’t going away and then we headed in. We had to wake Lincoln and drag him along with, but called my sister-in-law and gave her a heads up to see if she could come get him if need be.

Once I was settled into triage, the midwife on call came and checked me out and discussed my symptoms. She measured me at a “tight 3”. I was elated!!! This meant all those contractions were real and doing something and I was getting closer to having this little boy in my arms!

Now at this point I was 36 weeks 4 days along, so technically still in the “pre-term” status. The midwife wanted to give me the drug to stop any further contractions and stop any labor from progressing, but I pleaded with her, asking if that was really necessary. My doctor happened to be the doctor on call that night and at the hospital already, so she consulted with her, and my doctor gave the directive to not stop anything, but to continue to monitor me to see if any more progression. So, we waited another 2 hours. In the meantime, the midwife told us congratulations and that we should probably make arrangements for Lincoln to get picked up. All signs pointed towards we weren’t leaving without a baby in our arms! (OBVIOUS SPOILER ALERT: We did NOT leave with a baby in our arms!)

My sister-in-law arrived a little after 10 to take Lincoln. He was so excited to stay with his cousins for a few days and happily said his goodbyes. We continued to wait and I continued to have some contractions, but still nothing too intense.

2 hours later, the midwife checks me again. To my surprise, she called me less than a 3 this time 😦 She said most likely, I was having a contraction when she checked me the first time which made me feel a little bigger than I really was. She gave me some pills to help me relax and calm the uterus from anymore of those false labor contractions, and we went home around 1:00AM.

I spent the weekend cleaning like a mad woman. I got a lot of packing done (Oh yeah, I haven’t ever mentioned, we’re moving on January 3rd! Just a little something to do on my maternity break!). Saturday went on though, without much excitement from down below.

Sunday was more of the same. I was still feeling the itch to clean and pack and get organized. I guess it’s probably a combination of needing to stay busy and distracted, moving and a little thing they call nesting? I never experienced it with Lincoln so it was new to me! By night time, I was exhausted so decided to relax. Just then (about 6PM), I started having contractions again. This time, they were much more painful rather than just pressure, and I really had to breath through them. Eric had been gone to his office and when he got home, he found me mid contraction and wondering (like me) if this was going to be the real thing!? We had told ourselves we were NOT going to be those people that keep going in to triage only to be sent home, so we were NOT going to head in unless we knew it was the real deal. My contractions kept coming and didn’t lessen up in pain, so we again called my sister-in-law to see if she could meet us to get Lincoln and she happily obliged.

As we were driving to the hospital, I started to notice that things were seeming to lighten up and slow down. I was afraid this was another false alarm 😦 But we kept going because it was almost 9 and Lincoln needed to get to bed, either at our place or my brother’s, because he had school in the morning. We sent Lincoln off with my sister-in-law and then decided rather than rushing in, we would wait for a little bit in the parking lot to make sure the contractions were actually still there.

We waited and waited and waited. We waited nearly 50 minutes and in that amount of time, only a few contractions were worth noting. As we continued to debate on if we should go in or not, Eric finally said “We’re here and you were obviously having contractions, lets just get checked out”. So we did. But I knew walking in, there was very likely no chance that I was staying 😦

My sweet friend was working as the midwife on call that evening and got the pleasure of checking me. We again reviewed the weekends events and what Friday night told us. She checked me and with a bit of a hesitant look on her face, shared that I was still only at a 3. This wasn’t necessarily that surprising to me at that point, because like I said, things had slowed WAAAY down in the car, but I was still disappointed. She offered to give us an hour to see if anything picked up and monitored baby in the meantime.

After an hour, she came back, looked over my contraction count (there was very little activity going on 😦 ) and asked what I wanted to do. I didn’t see any point in getting checked again, it would only confirm what I already knew, I had not progressed and was not getting admitted. So, she made me feel better about things and gave me a script to help me relax and calm the uterus down again, and we headed home. False Labor Contractions had gotten us again.

This brings us full circle to this afternoon. I again had contractions last night but knew better than to rush into the hospital. This time I waited them out. Kayla – 1, False Contractions – 2! Besides, I knew I had my appointment today and would wait until then to hear my progress and hopefully be pleasantly surprised!!

Like I said, the scan went great, all the information was good, baby boy is healthy, safe and happy where he’s at….all good things. We reviewed with my doctor again those false labor signs and what to look for and not to feel silly for showing up twice already (even though I feel like an idiot!) and then it was time to check where I was at.

I have the type of personality that I always prepare myself for the worst. I always prepare for the worst, but still hope for the best. I guess it’s probably more pessimistic, but I’m optimistic still in that I do have hope for better always 🙂 In today’s case, the worst I thought I could hear was a 3 again and that no progress would have been made from Sunday evening. And if I heard more than a 3, then I was going to be ecstatic!

Today I measured at a “tight 2”. Not just a 2, but a “tight” 2. By my doctors standards, I really had not made much progress since last week Thursday. She tried to comfort me and offer assurances that everyone’s measurements are a little different and finger sizes play a role and not to let that get me down. This baby is healthy and will come when he’s ready! At that moment though, I didn’t want to hear her positivity, I just wanted to get out of there and sulk miserably about my condition.

I left feeling defeated and upset. Now I know that truly I’m not different physically than I was before. I was likely this same size when I was in those other nights and the fact is, just nothing has progressed. But mentally, hearing I went from a 3 back to a “tight” 2, that’s what defeated me. It left me feeling demoralized and hopeless. Keep in mind I am 8 1/2 months pregnant, hormonal, moody and physically exhausted. I just wanted to sit in this self pity for awhile and not hear anyone’s positive outlooks on it, so I refrained from calling or texting anyone for a couple of hours.

Now before you go judging me and telling me I’m only 37 weeks and really the baby isn’t supposed to come until 40 weeks, I already know those things and don’t need to be reminded. I also don’t need to be reminded of how much I begged for this pregnancy and to be in this very circumstance. I am aware of how blessed and fortunate I am to be here. I do not tell you all these things to make you feel bad for me or to complain, I’m simply sharing my experience and also letting any of those other waiting-to-be-momma’s know that even though you may struggle for years with infertility and you’re used to it and think you’ll NEVER complain in your pregnancy, it doesn’t make this waiting part any easier!

In fact, in my case, I feel like my patience are thinner than “normal” because I have waited for 3 years to have another child in my arms and I am so close at this point! I long for the moment I will first lay eyes on my 3rd son, that I will feel their skin on my skin and that I can hold his precious living and breathing body. I may sound crazy, but I’m so excited to change that first diaper (OK, maybe not the first one) and put those teeny tiny socks on his feet! I just want to feel that rush of love for another human, the love that is unexplainable until you experience it yourself, and never let go of him! (We’ll see how I feel on night 4 at home with little to no sleep in my system….I know that’s coming for me too!!!)

I know I’ve gotten winded here and I’m sorry for that. To try to wrap this up, I know that labor and delivery really is just around the corner for me. I know that if all else fails, I’ll be induced in 2 weeks and that I really can (and will have to) make it those 2 weeks. Above all else, I know that I am so incredibly blessed to be here complaining about this of all things, when it could be so.much.worse. I love this child so much already and am going to choose to look at these last couple of days or weeks as one of the many acts of sacrifice that I will do as a mom for him!

So, with all that said, I hope you won’t judge me too harshly for my petty self pity but instead will pray for my strength and endurance in this last bit of time!

Grateful Hearts

November 23, 2018Leave a comment

Thanksgiving has come and gone already and Christmas is right around the corner! I love this time of year and all the good food, cheerful hearts and time with family. We have so much to be thankful for this year in the Reuer household and I find myself less involved in the materialism of the season and more filled by the family and friends around me that matter most in my life, including the little boy still growing inside of me!

Two years ago on Thanksgiving, I very vividly still remember sitting on the bed at my parents house, just about ready to head to church, and posting an U/S scan photo of our precious Isaiah to Facebook, followed by a remark of my thankfulness of the healthy baby, only 9 weeks along at the time. I still remember the feelings of joy and excitement to meet that precious little one and how grateful I was to be holding him in my womb.

At Christmas that year, we received his 1st Christmas ornament from my mom, as a gift. It was a baby angel to hang on the tree, something Isaiah could always have and remember his grandma by and his first Christmas spent with our family, even if still as a physical part of me! A few weeks later, I looked back at that gift as a glimpse of our future, our angel Isaiah who will always spend Christmas with us in our hearts and thoughts.

This holiday season, as we hustle and bustle about, Isaiah is not far from my mind. I constantly wonder what our lives would be like with him here on Earth with us, living and breathing, laughing and smiling with us? Would he look like his older brother? Would he have been a terrible sleeper? What would his personality be?

But I can honestly smile, knowing that where he is now, is exactly where God meant for him to be, and where we are now, with another precious boy on the way, is exactly where God meant for us to be too. I will always miss him and our 3rd son will never take his place, but my heart is so grateful and full knowing and experiencing that God provides peace, healing and continued blessings throughout the good and bad times.

It’s been quite some time since I’ve posted anything on my current pregnancy and I get questions all the time from people I don’t see often on how it’s going! I’m sorry for my absence, life has been busy and crazy and I’ve been exhausted, especially as of late! But with that said, baby boy and I are doing really good! I am getting bigger everyday I swear and I feel like a swollen elephant at times, but all that matters is he is healthy and growing and so far, so good!

I had my last ultrasound to monitor growth, about 2 weeks ago now. He was looking great, his heart pumping away and he was even breathing on his own in there! They said this is a great sign of baby being able to handle the stress of delivery and gave me a lot of peace of mind in everything. Even with his 2 vessel cord, he is thriving in there and right around the 50th percentile for growth, perfect!

The ultrasounds they can do now, are just incredible! We could see some similarities to his older brother and some differences! In some of the shots we could even see what looks like a decent amount of hair on the back of his head! I’m so excited to meet him, hold him, kiss him and love on this little for a lifetime to come!

On Monday I will be 35 weeks and will start the weekly OB visits! My body is constantly aching and I’m so tired, even when I get a good nights rest, but that’s probably just my body and God preparing me for the months to come! We are certain that this little guy will be here before year end, but not exactly sure when he’ll make his debut. I was 2 1/2 weeks early with Lincoln, so I’d be great with that happening again, but if not, my doc will induce me around 39 weeks. More to come as the weeks go by!

Out of the First Trimester

July 5, 2018July 5, 2018Leave a comment

14+ weeks and it feels like an eternity since I discovered our pregnancy! One benefit of going through IVF is knowing you’re pregnant almost immediately! One disadvantage of going through IVF is knowing you’re pregnant almost immediately! As if the 1st trimester isn’t long enough with all of the hormones, nauseousness, exhaustion and on and on and on, knowing this very exciting news so early on, makes the 1st trimester feel like a condition that will never end! Not that I’m complaining, because I’m certainly not, but I am happy to have moved into the 2nd trimester now! And with that, I’m feeling better physically, able to work out a bit and getting a little bit of my energy back {for now}!

I shared on my Facebook page about a week ago, that we are 95% certain on the gender of our little one!!!! I didn’t anticipate learning of this news until our 20 week ultrasound, but was pleasantly surprised when our latest ultrasound revealed a very telling couple of scans!!!

Before I make any big announcement, I’ll go through some of the housekeeping details and the reason for this very telling appointment 🙂

I’m sure most of you are familiar with the First Trimester Screening that they offer nowadays. They’ve offered this for many, many years already so it’s nothing new, but it was new for us. We were offered this with our pregnancy with both Lincoln and Isaiah and each time turned it down. The screening is primarily to measure baby’s growth and a few other things, to determine the likelihood of Downs Syndrome and/or Trisomy 18. We passed on this in our last pregnancies simply because we knew it wouldn’t change anything for us if the results came back likely that our baby had one of these conditions. We would love our child just how God created them to be!

Our outlook on this changed some after loosing Isaiah. We still knew that if the results came back that Downs Syndrome and/or Trisomy 18 was highly likely for baby, that this would not change our love for this little miracle. We would never terminate the pregnancy due any condition, but we also knew we wanted to be prepared and if anything else could be spotted that may be alarming or need further attention, we wanted to know about it and be proactive. But plain and simple, I want to see this babe and their flickering heart, as often as possible throughout my pregnancy!!!

We went into the appointment knowing we could find results that were life changing and not what we had envisioned for our child’s future outside of the womb. We also went in with the fear that our baby may not have a heart beat anymore and we could be scheduling another induction for a miscarriage. That reality is never far from my mind leading into any type of appointment. I’m always thinking one step ahead and looking at my schedule, determining if I will be able to easily move things around on my calendar for an unexpected delivery and recovery. It certainly strips away a lot of the excitement one would expect to feel before a prenatal visit.

We met first with the genetic counselor and reviewed both our histories. Both Eric and I have pretty boring genetic makeups, which is a good thing! I’ve said it before, on paper, there is no indication as to why we can’t get pregnant on our own and also no knowing why Isaiah didn’t make it to our arms alive. But we reviewed this all again, just the same.

Then came the fun part, our 15-20 minutes looking at our baby!

The ultrasound tech was new to us, she was not familiar with our history and situation like all the tech’s at the reproductive clinic we are used to. She didn’t know about the anxiety I had building all day and night. She wasn’t aware of my ability to see more than the average woman on those ultrasound scans. She didn’t see me holding my breath as I searched for the heartbeat.

But it was there instantly! I didn’t need to search for the beautiful flicker because it showed up right on queue, plain as day, and lit up the screen for me! Throughout the entire scan, it was almost all I could look at, that marvelous flickering organ! Our baby continued to have a pulse and be alive and that was my biggest concern that day!

The tech went through all of the many angles and measurements and scans that were needed for the screening. She was quick to assure us that everything looked great as far as she could see! She then asked us if we were going to find out the gender when that time came. I assumed she was making small talk and answered quickly that yes, we would find out as soon as we could. This was followed by silence and I began to wonder, could she possibly tell?? I was only 13 weeks 3 days along, baby couldn’t possibly be big enough to reveal their gender to us, could they? So I anxiously asked!

She continued to scroll the wand over my abdomen and said she would try for us at the end of the scan. As long as baby would cooperate, she may be able to tell. She said the boy parts are discoverable depending on the “angle of the dangle” and girl parts are typically very swollen at this stage due to all the hormones, and makes it able to determine the gender….as long as baby cooperates 😉 She did warn us that it could be inaccurate and that we probably were best off not going out and buying too many gender specific items…just incase.

I began getting really excited and hopeful that we could learn this special secret so early! I wanted to be able to narrow down my name list to just one sex!

Baby was moving around like crazy. They alway are moving around like crazy, at every scan we’ve had they are an active little bean! What does this mean for the future?!?!

When the time finally came that the tech could pay special attention for those special parts, baby didn’t want to move anymore {of course}! She angled the wand differently and gently poked on my belly to see if she could get them to move. After a couple of minutes of this, she informed us disappointedly we may not yet get to learn what baby is. And then, baby moved! We could easily make out the spread legs and she pointed out the area revealing our baby’s gender. She was 80% sure on what what she was seeing, which felt pretty confident to us! Then, baby moved a little more, making it much clearer and easier to see what we thought we were seeing!!! Her estimate bumped up to 95% confidence on the gender!

I watched our baby squirm and dance on the screen in front of us and tears began to stream down the sides of my face. These were the happiest of tears! I shared with the tech a little of our history and about our loss and just how good this scan made me feel! She kept the wand on my stomach awhile longer so we could watch our growing child show off the incredible abilities they already have, my eyes glued to their heartbeat. I said a silent prayer, thanking God that today was another good visit and prayed that this child would have a strong and healthy future ahead of them.

We left the 4th floor and I had to get a blood draw as well, back on the 1st floor. The lab for this is right next to our fertility clinic. As I checked in for the blood draw, one of the PA’s from the fertility clinic walked into the waiting room. I had to show off our little one and tell her our exciting discovery. She ushered me back through the back door of the fertility clinic and I was able to share my excitement with one of the other nurses working as well! We hugged and smiled and they congratulated me over and over. I was so happy to be able to share the news with the clinic staff, they’re a big part of this baby’s life too!

Speeding up now, everything came back stellar! I had a follow up appointment with my OB this last Tuesday to review the results. To be honest, it was more so that I could see & hear baby’s heartbeat again. She had already shared the results with me via my online medical chart. I just needed to see baby swimming around again and know that everything was still A-OK!

I’ll go back in a couple of weeks again for my 16 week checkup. Not going to lie, this next one will be the most nerve-wracking for me. If I can get beyond this next one, then maybe {MAYBE} some of my fear will subside. Maybe I will be able to look forward to my appointments and feel a little safer. Maybe I won’t loose sleep at night as often, if I can get over the 16-week hurdle in my head and heart.

So, you’re probably wondering, the gender of our growing baby??!!??

An Overdue PSA

April 28, 20183 Comments

April 23-27 marks the annual National Infertility Awareness Week. 1 in 8 will struggle with infertility of some kind. Unfortunately, it’s more common that most realize because there is still a stigma around infertility and the inability to reproduce “normally”. I am this 1 in 8.

Approximately 7 years ago, I was finding out for the first time, that I was finally going to be a mom. A dream I had been waiting for for 3 years was finally coming true! Back then, I had no idea just how common fertility issues were. I wasn’t connected with any type of support group much less know anyone personally who had been affected by it in their life. But after I began sharing with others our situation and how we were finally able to become pregnant, it’s like the stories came out of the woodwork! I started to realize I wasn’t the only one in my situation and I began to feel less “broken” in my barrenness.

I went on to have a healthy pregnancy and deliver a very healthy (but a little early!) baby boy! Lincoln entered our world on December 22, 2011 and has changed it for the better ever since! I got to join the “mom club” that I so desperately wanted to be a part of! I was no longer on the outside wanting in, I was a part of it!

A few years went by. Eric and I had always hoped for more children, but had also accepted that if we were a one kid family, that was OK. The financial burden of fertility treatment is real and so we never saw ourselves being in the position to afford it again! Until I discovered my new health insurance benefits would cover all of the procedures and medications! Suddenly, even though I was already a part of the “mom club”, I felt like an outsider again. I wanted so badly to experience all of it over again from the beginning! We went to work right away to make that dream reality, assuming it would be easier the 2nd time. We knew what to expect and it worked the first time, so why not now?!

Fast forward to 4 failed transfers in a year and facing my 5th transfer the Fall of 2016. I could hardly believe I had been through that much and was still fighting for it. I just felt like our family wasn’t complete yet and I needed to keep trying, so we did. And I was so thankful that I did, because just a few weeks later, I was announcing our 2nd pregnancy! It took a lot to get there, but boy was it worth it!

I went through my first trimester like most, feel nauseous, bloated, tired and irritable, but again it was so incredible to be at this point! We talked baby names and eventually started to get the baby room a little bit established. But at 16 weeks, my world came crashing to an abrupt halt and I joined a club I prayed I never would. We lost our Isaiah and the family of 4 we had been envisioning here on Earth, changed forever.

c Infertility was hard enough but to have lost the baby we tried for and prayed for for so long was absolutely devastating to a whole other level. I dealt with depression and anxiety for over a year as we continued with the fertility treatments with our remaining 5 embryos, each one of them never developing into a pregnancy. I was crushed and upset. Why did I ever want to join that stupid club anyway? We were happy as a family of 3! I was so fortunate already to have my son, our IVF story had been a success up until all of this failure, why did I push the envelope! Many women would give anything (and do give so much!) for just 1!

The difference between my first go with IVF and my last 8 (aside from success vs. failures) was the support I had around me. In my first IVF, we had told family and they were great and surrounded us in love and prayer. But in the 2nd, I had found my “tribe” of online women, struggling on the same road as me. Their success felt like a victory for me and when my failures came one after the other, I was able to share that burden with them and they understood like most of my family and close friends, were unable to do. In opening up about my journey, I also met several others outside of that online support group and was able to establish real friendships built on sad and lonely experiences. I cherish these friendships so much and if you are one of them, I’m so glad you’re in my life now!

The 1 in 8 can be lonely, embarrassing, depressing and the list of negative emotions go on and on. As with any challenge you may be faced with (infertility or other), the difference between surviving it or letting it eat you alive can be found in the support you find for yourself. I encourage you to take control of your crummy situation and seek out others who can get what you’re going through. Today’s social media platforms allow this to be so much easier and a feeling of normalcy is allowed in a safe place, even if you’re not ready to share the struggle with the entire world. I know I couldn’t have pushed beyond all our failures had I not sought out the extra support early on.

This week will forever be a week I remember. Not only is it National Infertility Awareness Week and I am 1 in 8, but it’s also the week we confirmed we’re pregnant! We are so thrilled to announce that we are expecting Baby Reuer # 3 on January 1, 2019!

Anxiety & Fear

March 15, 2018June 20, 2018Leave a comment

It’s been awhile {OK a long while} since I’ve posted anything. I haven’t felt the need for “word therapy” in awhile and found myself just saying ‘I’m good right now’. But each day I remember our loss, our hurt, our situation. I still don’t feel “whole” without Isaiah here and I know I never will. And with each passing day of being “good”, I’ve discovered there’s still a lot of fear, anxiety and anger mixed in with all that “good”.

I haven’t been able to give up the dream of becoming a mommy again. I still desire that little babe, that sibling for Lincoln, for our family here on Earth to grow. I continue to see pregnancy announcements and meet new bundles of blessing for other families. I feel tremendous joy for their miracle but if I’m honest, jealousy & resentment for my situation. I really believed by now God would have answered our prayers and desires, but He hasn’t….at least not how I thought He would have.

In the last couple of months, we have been back to our RE and made plans of moving forward. It’s been nearly 5 months now since we found out our last cycle of IVF failed. You may recall, we were left with no more embryos and no answers of ‘why’ all the failure. We spoke at great length about what other steps we could take, what haven’t we tried? IVF is kind of the end of the road as far as the fertility journey goes, it’s the last resort and gives the best odds of success. What could we possibly do different?

My doctor questioned a few different things. Possibly blocked tubes {which had previously been ruled out before we ever started this journey but apparently can still happen at any time}, possibly endometriosis {which I thought had been ruled out…but apparently not}, possibly both. Maybe poor egg quality which would lead to poor embryo quality. Maybe I would need an egg donor? Maybe I need a surrogate to carry for me? Perhaps we need to genetically test the embryos before going through the transfer process. Still so many unknowns, still so many decisions to make but still no guarantee of any success. There is never any guarantee of success in this journey.

Eric and I have spent a lot of time in discussion regarding all of the above. Did we want to keep going forward knowing our current rate of success? Some of the options we were open to, others we needed to think on more and still others we just knew we weren’t open to {or could afford!}.

About a month ago now, I had surgery to determine if I had endometriosis or not. This is an exploratory surgery and the only way to definitively diagnose it, is to undergo the surgery. While she was in there she also planned to check my tubes. If either or both of them were blocked at all, she would need to remove them as the blockage causes leakage back into the uterus. The leakage is then poisonous to any embryo we would put back and then literally kills any chance at getting pregnant. Additionally, she would do another biopsy of the uterine wall to ensure no infections or anything else could be going on.

I’m not one to get nervous about surgery. I was anxious, but in a good way. I finally felt like maybe there was something we had missed all along and there was still a chance that they find something and cure me of my infertility! I couldn’t wait to go under the knife and find some answers!

Surgery went well {recovery was miserable} and we got the results we had hoped for. They found grade 1 endometriosis {which is the lowest grade} and she was able to remove it all. My tubes were perfectly fine {no removal….YES!!!} and the biopsy came back normal. When we reviewed all of the results and photos with her a couples weeks post surgery, she shared with us that my uterus had never looked so good! It’s a weird compliment, yes, but it was amazing news! She said had she not known all of my history, she would never have guessed everything my woman parts have been through; all the surgeries, procedures and 2 D&C’s. She felt great about the findings and the clean up work and about moving forward.

So now we find ourselves here again, in the beginning stages of IVF. I didn’t think I’d ever let myself be back here. After my last retrieval process, I got so physically ill and was in so much pain that I swore to Eric I would never put myself through it again. But, just like any mom who says that after pushing a human out of her body, I find myself willing to do whatever it takes at a chance for another precious life. The reward is worth the risk and I’m excited, eager and even hopeful. I feel good about the endometriosis being removed and that maybe that will be the game changer?!

At the same time, I feel so very nervous and anxious. What if we go through all of this again and it still doesn’t work? This is probably the last retrieval process I can go through both emotionally and financially. I don’t look forward to all of the shots, leg spreading and weight gain that I know my future holds.

I also have fear of it working. What if we do succeed in our efforts? Then I {God willing} will have 40 weeks to live in constant fear & anxiety of losing that miracle and going through the worst time of my life all over again. I know that every check up will bring with it painful memories and worry.

With all that said, I know I will only regret not pushing forward and past the doubt and anxiety. I choose to trust that God has a purpose for my desire still stirring and growing. I am deciding to push past the deep rooted fears and find hope where I can. I know that God is still working out something in me and is bigger than the mess of emotions going on in my head right now! I know that even if failure is on the horizon for us, I learn and grow in my brokenness and that He will also get me through whatever lies ahead.

So here I am again, asking for your prayers. I wasn’t sure that I was going to share our journey this time around. It takes a lot to open up my heart and journey with so many. Vulnerability is not a strong suit of mine! The devil has used all my failures to put thoughts of embarrassment and lack of ability in my head. But instead of allowing him that victory, I’m choosing to have no shame over what I cannot control. Instead, I’m asking for my praying friends & family to come along side us again and pray for our miracle to happen in 2018.

Worry too much

I Miss You With Everything I Have

January 10, 2018June 20, 20182 Comments

How is it possible that already a year has gone by? Has it really been a year since I last laid eyes on you and sobbed over your lifeless body? How can I still hurt this much if time heals all wounds?

The truth is, I will never be healed, not completely. There will always be a part of me missing, like a phantom limb, which at times aches even in its physical absence.

In this lifetime, I will not know your smile, your eye color or your giggle. But I dream of these things often. Not a day goes by that I don’t remember you, how you left this world and envision what could have been if God had allowed. I look forward to our reunion day, to the long embrace and the tears of joy! I love you so very much without knowing you because God still created me to be your mom!

This day is filled with sadness for me. I try to hold it together, but something is missing. We try to celebrate you, do something special to honor the short life you had as I carried you and find ways to praise God from whom all blessings flow. This is a difficult day, one I will remember each year and the memories it holds and try to find the joy. I love you with all I am, Isaiah, and nothing will ever change that. If we are ever blessed with the gift of another little life in our future, you will still hold the same special place in my heart that you do now. You are forever my son and will always hold a purpose in my life.

Closing This Chapter

December 8, 2017December 8, 2017Leave a comment

I’ve intentionally been MIA for several weeks now. Life has been busy and honestly, life has been disappointing as of late. Since my last post, we’ve gone through 2 more transfers with 2 more negative results. We are left frustrated with feelings of hurt, disappointment and waves of anger at times.

I will never know why we’ve gone through everything we’ve been through in the last 2+ years. 13 beautiful embryos with 8 total transfer procedures, countless shots and blood draws, several ultrasounds and surgeries and our marvelous angel, Isaiah.

We will never understand why he couldn’t join us in this world, why he was able to hold on for 16 weeks only to be taken from our earthly world too soon. We can’t understand why the remaining embryos that we tried after him, did not attach. Is it something with me? My diet? Stress? Activity level? Or is this just the road that God intended for us?

It seems cruel to come this far in my journey to becoming mommy again, and to be left facing the reality that it likely will not happen for us. However, I continue to try to look on the positive side. I cannot control what I cannot control. But through the hurt, through all of the pain, I have met some incredible people and I know my story has touched and helped others. It has brought awareness to the real struggle of infertility and my hope is that others who are fortunate enough to have not faced this struggle personally, can appreciate, understand and be more sensitive to those who are or may be struggling with it. That is the purpose I choose to see in this painful journey, and to me that’s worth it.

As much as it has hurt, I would not go back and change the last 2 years. The challenges and hardship we have faced, has made me stronger, more empathetic and a better mother to my sweet Lincoln. I am grateful for the short amount of time I carried Isaiah, my delivery and the chance to hold his precious body. Each day I dream of our reunion in Heaven for eternity. I know he is surrounded in love and laughter and joy, he faces no hurt, no judgement, no sin….what mother wouldn’t want that for her child?!

I need to thank each of you for your constant thoughts, prayers and positive encouragement to us through this tumultuous journey. Without your support and God’s grace, we couldn’t be at the place we are today. I won’t lie to you, it’s still tough accepting that we were not successful in all of our attempts, but I know in my heart that God has more in store. He is not finished with us yet and we pray He will continue to work in our lives and use our hardships and our joys, for His larger purposes.