Depression – Becoming Mommy

April 23-27 marks the annual National Infertility Awareness Week. 1 in 8 will struggle with infertility of some kind. Unfortunately, it’s more common that most realize because there is still a stigma around infertility and the inability to reproduce “normally”. I am this 1 in 8.

Approximately 7 years ago, I was finding out for the first time, that I was finally going to be a mom. A dream I had been waiting for for 3 years was finally coming true! Back then, I had no idea just how common fertility issues were. I wasn’t connected with any type of support group much less know anyone personally who had been affected by it in their life. But after I began sharing with others our situation and how we were finally able to become pregnant, it’s like the stories came out of the woodwork! I started to realize I wasn’t the only one in my situation and I began to feel less “broken” in my barrenness.

I went on to have a healthy pregnancy and deliver a very healthy (but a little early!) baby boy! Lincoln entered our world on December 22, 2011 and has changed it for the better ever since! I got to join the “mom club” that I so desperately wanted to be a part of! I was no longer on the outside wanting in, I was a part of it!

A few years went by. Eric and I had always hoped for more children, but had also accepted that if we were a one kid family, that was OK. The financial burden of fertility treatment is real and so we never saw ourselves being in the position to afford it again! Until I discovered my new health insurance benefits would cover all of the procedures and medications! Suddenly, even though I was already a part of the “mom club”, I felt like an outsider again. I wanted so badly to experience all of it over again from the beginning! We went to work right away to make that dream reality, assuming it would be easier the 2nd time. We knew what to expect and it worked the first time, so why not now?!

Fast forward to 4 failed transfers in a year and facing my 5th transfer the Fall of 2016. I could hardly believe I had been through that much and was still fighting for it. I just felt like our family wasn’t complete yet and I needed to keep trying, so we did. And I was so thankful that I did, because just a few weeks later, I was announcing our 2nd pregnancy! It took a lot to get there, but boy was it worth it!

I went through my first trimester like most, feel nauseous, bloated, tired and irritable, but again it was so incredible to be at this point! We talked baby names and eventually started to get the baby room a little bit established. But at 16 weeks, my world came crashing to an abrupt halt and I joined a club I prayed I never would. We lost our Isaiah and the family of 4 we had been envisioning here on Earth, changed forever.

c Infertility was hard enough but to have lost the baby we tried for and prayed for for so long was absolutely devastating to a whole other level. I dealt with depression and anxiety for over a year as we continued with the fertility treatments with our remaining 5 embryos, each one of them never developing into a pregnancy. I was crushed and upset. Why did I ever want to join that stupid club anyway? We were happy as a family of 3! I was so fortunate already to have my son, our IVF story had been a success up until all of this failure, why did I push the envelope! Many women would give anything (and do give so much!) for just 1!

The difference between my first go with IVF and my last 8 (aside from success vs. failures) was the support I had around me. In my first IVF, we had told family and they were great and surrounded us in love and prayer. But in the 2nd, I had found my “tribe” of online women, struggling on the same road as me. Their success felt like a victory for me and when my failures came one after the other, I was able to share that burden with them and they understood like most of my family and close friends, were unable to do. In opening up about my journey, I also met several others outside of that online support group and was able to establish real friendships built on sad and lonely experiences. I cherish these friendships so much and if you are one of them, I’m so glad you’re in my life now!

The 1 in 8 can be lonely, embarrassing, depressing and the list of negative emotions go on and on. As with any challenge you may be faced with (infertility or other), the difference between surviving it or letting it eat you alive can be found in the support you find for yourself. I encourage you to take control of your crummy situation and seek out others who can get what you’re going through. Today’s social media platforms allow this to be so much easier and a feeling of normalcy is allowed in a safe place, even if you’re not ready to share the struggle with the entire world. I know I couldn’t have pushed beyond all our failures had I not sought out the extra support early on.

This week will forever be a week I remember. Not only is it National Infertility Awareness Week and I am 1 in 8, but it’s also the week we confirmed we’re pregnant! We are so thrilled to announce that we are expecting Baby Reuer # 3 on January 1, 2019!

When Eric and I first realized that our path to parenthood was going to be a struggle, I was embarrassed. I’ve shared before that for the first few years, we didn’t tell anyone except for a few family members, that we were even trying to concieve. When others asked about our plans for kids, we would force a smile and tell a small lie, saying “when it happens, it happens” or “we’re not in a huge rush for kids yet”, all the while dying inside. It hurt so much keeping that secret and with every inquiry, I felt more alone and more like a failure.

Then we reached the point of fertility assistance and I couldn’t keep the lie going. For several reasons, we decided to put it out there to all of our family, friends, co-workers and anyone else who cared to ask. The first few times admitting our shortcoming out loud, was tough. Even though we had no control over our situation, I still felt shame associated with our infertility and by keeping that secret in the dark for so long, my shame about it had grown more and more.

But as we shared our situation, it got more comfortable to talk about. No one shunned us for being infertile, no one laughed in our faces for not being able to “get the job done”. Nobody judged us or thought less of us. Instead, we received support, prayers, hugs, numerous “I-had-no-idea”‘s, and so many more positive things. By shedding light on our burden, I was able to breathe again, the weight of it felt lifted off our shoulders, and it was one less distraction as we went through IVF. I wished I had been strong enough not to carry that secret and sought support sooner!

I lead with this backstory, because I’m about to open up again about a very real struggle I’m currently facing. It’s a struggle that I again have no control over and that anyone who knows what our last couple months have looked like, let alone our last 1 1/2 years, would likely expect to be there. But even knowing all of that, I’ve still kept this in the dark, not wanting to say it out loud, letting this “secret” grow and cloud my mind and invade every happy space I have.

Last night this struggle finally came to head and I knew I had to say it out loud to Eric or it would consume all of me. Being healthy mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically for my husband, son and self is more important to me than my pride. It had to come out.

When I finally spoke the word out loud, the ugly “D” word, and shed light to it, I again felt that sense of freedom, like I could breathe again, and that the grip it had over me, loosened. It felt good to share that burden, to know I wasn’t in it alone anymore, and so I want to share it with you all as well and hope that I’ll receive the same kind of support I did when we admitted our struggle with infertility. I don’t want this looming over my every thought, stealing away the joy in front of me right now. I want to feel like me again.

Since losing Isaiah, I’ve been battling depression and have been fighting it alone. Some days I feel fine, and others are really low. I struggle to find the positive things in life right now. It’s really hard to admit, but I have honestly had the thought that not being here anymore would just be easier. I wouldn’t have to face this loss and grief anymore, my stress at work would be gone, and I would get to be with my Isaiah and hold him again. Even though I have all kinds of supportive, loving and caring people around me {and I thank each of you deeply, because there really are sooooo many of you}, I’ve still felt low and in the dumps. I have so badly wanted to be strong and face these hard times with a positive attitude, that I’ve put on a front, even to myself, that I’m better than I really am.

Now before you get too alarmed, no I have not had thoughts of harming myself and I still know the amazing things I do have in my life, but I’m just having a hard time enjoying them to their fullest right now. I’m not at a place where I would want to throw away being Eric’s wife or Lincoln’s mom because life is too much. I can still see the blessings in front of me but I’m not able to be the best blessing to them right now because of where my head and heart are at.

I want to shed light to this sickness inside of me right now, so that God can use it for His glory rather than the devil, and I want to feel happy and be positive again! I know that I am not the only one who has suffered in silence with depression, too afraid to open up about it. I want to be stronger than the urge to hide myself away, and give myself the support I know I’ll receive by sharing.

I hope that if anyone else is reading this and finds themselves in a dark place, that you too would find a safe place and admit how your struggling. Know that you don’t have to broadcast it on a blog to feel better—because honestly, admitting this on a blog is scary! Just admitting it to yourself and to God can be a relief and the first step in the right direction.

Life is hard and every one of us struggles with something. Your struggle may look different than mine, but finding support for the struggle makes all the difference. God never intended for us to do life alone, and so if you are struggling right now, find that safe person and be willing to open yourself up. I know it’s hard, I’m an introvert and would rather keep to myself at all times!!! But God gave me the strength years ago to open up about a personal struggle, and He’s doing it again now. He’ll do the same for you, you just have to take the first step.