Acupuncture – Becoming Mommy

Sleep eludes me tonight. I took melatonin in hopes it would help me fall asleep so I could forget this nightmare for awhile, but that was over 3 hours ago and still no sleep.

Honestly, I think I may be eluding sleep. A part of me doesn’t want to fall asleep. If I fall asleep I have to wake up and relive this devastation. If I stay awake I can stay numb and somewhat in denial. My eyes are burning, begging for rest but my mind is wildly racing.

So I figured I’d journal and try to process through writing.

One of my first thoughts even before confirming the miscarriage was “how do we tell Lincoln? how will our young 5 year old possibly process this?”

After we left the doctors office, I knew I couldn’t pick him up from school, that I would surely have a breakdown at the first sight of him. Eric offered to do this and that he wouldn’t say anything to him until we could be together to tell him.

It felt like an eternity before they got home. All the while, I was trying to find the right words to tell a 5 year old their sibling who we had been praying for for sooooo long, would not be coming home like we had envisioned. The pictures he drew of the family of 4 would have to hold off a little longer. That he is a big brother, but it might not feel like it.

When Lincoln walked in the door, he flashed me his sweet smile and asked about his swimming lessons. He could see I had been crying but just avoided that topic. He continued to question what was for supper and if he could watch TV and a few other things that I can’t remember. Finally I began sobbing, covering my face, and said “Lincoln, we have to tell you something.”

“What? What is it?”

We proceeded to tell him that the baby in my tummy wasn’t alive any more. We explained that the heart had stopped beating and we didn’t know why, but that the baby was in Heaven. He was along to a couple of our ultrasounds and he had experienced seeing the baby move and hearing their heart beat. He understood the baby needed a heartbeat to keep living.

Eric and I held him and held each other. We looked back at him to see if he may have questions. He stayed pretty silent, you could see he was trying to figure out how he should feel about this. I explained that I would be going in and the doctor would take the baby out of my tummy for lack of a better description for him, but that the baby would not be alive. I asked him if he would like to see the baby after this happened. I will never forget his raw and innocent response,

“I wanted to see the baby alive.”

We both broke down and affirmed him that we did too, but that just wasn’t going to happen this time. He didn’t have an answer for us so we told him he could think about it for awhile and let us know later.

We talked about seeing baby again someday in Heaven and how we could look forward to that. He shed some tears, expressed he was sad and upset, and was able to move on to the next thing. Part of me wishes I could move on so easily!

It’s hard for me to know if we did the right thing with Lincoln. Did we share too much of the process with him for his age? Will he be scarred by this or more likely, will it just be a distant memory for him when he grows up. I hope the latter but I also want to make sure he does get to ask any questions he may have and have the best understanding he can as a 5 year old.

We ended up going to swimming lessons and trying to make it as normal of a night for him as possible. Before bed, I asked him again if he wanted to see the baby after he or she is delivered, or if he preferred not to. He quietly said no, he did not want to see the baby. I was surprised by this, but absolutely respected his decision and can see where that could just be too traumatizing for him and too much to try to comprehend. I can appreciate that he had given it thought and made up his own mind on the matter. Someday maybe he will have more questions and want to see photos of the baby that we can share as a family at that time.

My mind continues to spin, trying to grasp how I move on, how I go back to work, how I don’t neglect myself or my family after this. I know I must sleep because the morning will be here soon and it will be a long and dreary day.

Or rather, they’re on me!

Have you ever done Acupuncture? This traditionally eastern medical practice is believed to help stimulate nerves, muscles and connective tissue and boost your body’s natural pain killers and increase blood flow. Acupuncture has become a popular therapy in western medical practice for many patients who may be undergoing chemo, having migraines, muscle pain, infertility, and the list goes on and on.

I was referred to try out Acupuncture by my mom before we even saw our reproductive specialist in Sioux Falls. She had heard about the benefits of acupuncture with infertility from her chiropractor and gave my mom the name of a practicing chiropractor and acupuncturist in Sioux Falls for me to check out. At this point, we had made the appointment with our fertility doctor and were just waiting to get in with him.

Now, in all of my google searches, research on how to get pregnant, and info on infertility, I had come across articles on acupuncture and infertility. I’ll be honest, it didn’t sound that great to me and I didn’t know anyone personally who had benefited from it and didn’t know of any practicing acupuncturist’s {nor had I really looked}. Frankly, I didn’t like needles and the idea of laying on a bed being stuck with needles all over my body didn’t sound like anything I wanted to check out! But again, I was willing to trying most anything and I had about a month until we were getting into the doctor, so what the heck!

I was so glad I did! No, I didn’t get pregnant by just doing acupuncture {although those success stories are out there!} but I did reduce my stress through the whole IVF process and also gained a lot of real knowledge {not just the stuff I was reading on the internet} from my acupuncturist. I also discovered that acupuncture itself is pretty much painless. There is a small amount of pressure when the teeny, tiny needle goes in, but there aren’t that many needles and you really don’t feel them {unless they go a little too far and hit the nerve, which yes does happen but it’s not that bad!}. Then I would lay in a quiet, warm, dark room, listening to soft music and was directed to just “relax”. Sometimes, I couldn’t shut my mind off and the 30 minutes felt like forever because I was thinking of everything else I needed to be doing!!! But then sometimes I fell asleep laying there as I allowed my mind to just rest and enjoy the peace in the moment.

After we met with our doctor and discovered we’d be going down the path of IVF, we were actually referred to the chiropractor/acupuncturist I was already treating with! It wasn’t required that I do acupuncture, but my doctor and the nurses understood the major benefits of it and encouraged all their IVF patients to try it out. I felt like I kind of had a leg up having already had a few acupuncture sessions under my belt! I continued to do acupuncture once every 1-2 weeks through our 1st IVF experience all the way through our transfer day.

Now I can’t say that Acupuncture was the reason for our success, but I do believe that it contributed! Going through in vitro the first time around, I was so emotional. I felt a lot of hopelessness and uncertainty. I was stressed, taking that out on myself mentally, emotionally, and by not physically taking care of myself…oh and Eric, he took the brunt of that stress too! After a few sessions of acupuncture, I could feel some of the tension that had built up in my body, releasing and my mind calming down. Not only that, but my acupuncturist was amazing…as a person! She helped relieve some of my emotional stress by taking the time to listen and talk through some things with me. She was very experienced in working with hundreds of other women going through this same journey as me. She sat and listened to my personal story, encouraged me to let myself cry {sometimes in office} and not build up the negative feelings and emotions that were weighing me down. She was truly a Godsend and I still see her to this day for chiropractic and acupuncture care.

Now you might be wondering, if I’m doing acupuncture again and I think it’s so great, why haven’t I gotten pregnant?? I go back to what I said before. I don’t believe acupuncture was the only reason for our success with my pregnancy. What it did do for me though is taught me how to focus my mind and not allow myself to stress and take it out on my body. It taught me the importance of taking time for me and taking care of myself emotionally, mentally and physically. This is important for everyone going through anything! Stress and running yourself down, does you no favors and will likely only hinder your chances of success….at whatever it is you’re trying to accomplish.

Now here’s my plug….if you’re battling infertility, considering trying acupuncture if you haven’t already. {And when I say trying it out, give it at least 3-4 sessions before you decide you don’t like it! Just like with any medication you take, it has to build up in your system and I believe acupuncture is the same way.} Go into it with any open mind, understanding it may not make you pregnant, but it may reduce some of your self induced stress that’s hindering your chances. I really can’t say enough good things about how it reduced my stress and hope it can do the same for you!

PS~If you live in the Sioux Falls area, check out Natural Arts Chiropractic.…they are amazing!!!