Out of the First Trimester

July 5, 2018July 5, 2018Leave a comment

14+ weeks and it feels like an eternity since I discovered our pregnancy! One benefit of going through IVF is knowing you’re pregnant almost immediately! One disadvantage of going through IVF is knowing you’re pregnant almost immediately! As if the 1st trimester isn’t long enough with all of the hormones, nauseousness, exhaustion and on and on and on, knowing this very exciting news so early on, makes the 1st trimester feel like a condition that will never end! Not that I’m complaining, because I’m certainly not, but I am happy to have moved into the 2nd trimester now! And with that, I’m feeling better physically, able to work out a bit and getting a little bit of my energy back {for now}!

I shared on my Facebook page about a week ago, that we are 95% certain on the gender of our little one!!!! I didn’t anticipate learning of this news until our 20 week ultrasound, but was pleasantly surprised when our latest ultrasound revealed a very telling couple of scans!!!

Before I make any big announcement, I’ll go through some of the housekeeping details and the reason for this very telling appointment 🙂

I’m sure most of you are familiar with the First Trimester Screening that they offer nowadays. They’ve offered this for many, many years already so it’s nothing new, but it was new for us. We were offered this with our pregnancy with both Lincoln and Isaiah and each time turned it down. The screening is primarily to measure baby’s growth and a few other things, to determine the likelihood of Downs Syndrome and/or Trisomy 18. We passed on this in our last pregnancies simply because we knew it wouldn’t change anything for us if the results came back likely that our baby had one of these conditions. We would love our child just how God created them to be!

Our outlook on this changed some after loosing Isaiah. We still knew that if the results came back that Downs Syndrome and/or Trisomy 18 was highly likely for baby, that this would not change our love for this little miracle. We would never terminate the pregnancy due any condition, but we also knew we wanted to be prepared and if anything else could be spotted that may be alarming or need further attention, we wanted to know about it and be proactive. But plain and simple, I want to see this babe and their flickering heart, as often as possible throughout my pregnancy!!!

We went into the appointment knowing we could find results that were life changing and not what we had envisioned for our child’s future outside of the womb. We also went in with the fear that our baby may not have a heart beat anymore and we could be scheduling another induction for a miscarriage. That reality is never far from my mind leading into any type of appointment. I’m always thinking one step ahead and looking at my schedule, determining if I will be able to easily move things around on my calendar for an unexpected delivery and recovery. It certainly strips away a lot of the excitement one would expect to feel before a prenatal visit.

We met first with the genetic counselor and reviewed both our histories. Both Eric and I have pretty boring genetic makeups, which is a good thing! I’ve said it before, on paper, there is no indication as to why we can’t get pregnant on our own and also no knowing why Isaiah didn’t make it to our arms alive. But we reviewed this all again, just the same.

Then came the fun part, our 15-20 minutes looking at our baby!

The ultrasound tech was new to us, she was not familiar with our history and situation like all the tech’s at the reproductive clinic we are used to. She didn’t know about the anxiety I had building all day and night. She wasn’t aware of my ability to see more than the average woman on those ultrasound scans. She didn’t see me holding my breath as I searched for the heartbeat.

But it was there instantly! I didn’t need to search for the beautiful flicker because it showed up right on queue, plain as day, and lit up the screen for me! Throughout the entire scan, it was almost all I could look at, that marvelous flickering organ! Our baby continued to have a pulse and be alive and that was my biggest concern that day!

The tech went through all of the many angles and measurements and scans that were needed for the screening. She was quick to assure us that everything looked great as far as she could see! She then asked us if we were going to find out the gender when that time came. I assumed she was making small talk and answered quickly that yes, we would find out as soon as we could. This was followed by silence and I began to wonder, could she possibly tell?? I was only 13 weeks 3 days along, baby couldn’t possibly be big enough to reveal their gender to us, could they? So I anxiously asked!

She continued to scroll the wand over my abdomen and said she would try for us at the end of the scan. As long as baby would cooperate, she may be able to tell. She said the boy parts are discoverable depending on the “angle of the dangle” and girl parts are typically very swollen at this stage due to all the hormones, and makes it able to determine the gender….as long as baby cooperates 😉 She did warn us that it could be inaccurate and that we probably were best off not going out and buying too many gender specific items…just incase.

I began getting really excited and hopeful that we could learn this special secret so early! I wanted to be able to narrow down my name list to just one sex!

Baby was moving around like crazy. They alway are moving around like crazy, at every scan we’ve had they are an active little bean! What does this mean for the future?!?!

When the time finally came that the tech could pay special attention for those special parts, baby didn’t want to move anymore {of course}! She angled the wand differently and gently poked on my belly to see if she could get them to move. After a couple of minutes of this, she informed us disappointedly we may not yet get to learn what baby is. And then, baby moved! We could easily make out the spread legs and she pointed out the area revealing our baby’s gender. She was 80% sure on what what she was seeing, which felt pretty confident to us! Then, baby moved a little more, making it much clearer and easier to see what we thought we were seeing!!! Her estimate bumped up to 95% confidence on the gender!

I watched our baby squirm and dance on the screen in front of us and tears began to stream down the sides of my face. These were the happiest of tears! I shared with the tech a little of our history and about our loss and just how good this scan made me feel! She kept the wand on my stomach awhile longer so we could watch our growing child show off the incredible abilities they already have, my eyes glued to their heartbeat. I said a silent prayer, thanking God that today was another good visit and prayed that this child would have a strong and healthy future ahead of them.

We left the 4th floor and I had to get a blood draw as well, back on the 1st floor. The lab for this is right next to our fertility clinic. As I checked in for the blood draw, one of the PA’s from the fertility clinic walked into the waiting room. I had to show off our little one and tell her our exciting discovery. She ushered me back through the back door of the fertility clinic and I was able to share my excitement with one of the other nurses working as well! We hugged and smiled and they congratulated me over and over. I was so happy to be able to share the news with the clinic staff, they’re a big part of this baby’s life too!

Speeding up now, everything came back stellar! I had a follow up appointment with my OB this last Tuesday to review the results. To be honest, it was more so that I could see & hear baby’s heartbeat again. She had already shared the results with me via my online medical chart. I just needed to see baby swimming around again and know that everything was still A-OK!

I’ll go back in a couple of weeks again for my 16 week checkup. Not going to lie, this next one will be the most nerve-wracking for me. If I can get beyond this next one, then maybe {MAYBE} some of my fear will subside. Maybe I will be able to look forward to my appointments and feel a little safer. Maybe I won’t loose sleep at night as often, if I can get over the 16-week hurdle in my head and heart.

So, you’re probably wondering, the gender of our growing baby??!!??

Here We Are

June 19, 2018June 20, 2018Leave a comment

It’s been several weeks since I shared our exciting news. Honestly, I haven’t been able to sit down and write an update to our story because I have daily fear that if I do, some how, that that will be the beginning of the end….again. I’m terrified of writing “that update”.

Today marks 12 weeks. I’m nearly to the end of my first trimester. I’ve had bi-weekly appointments since we found out we’re expecting and each appointment has started with fear & anxiety and ended in deep breathes & signs of relief. So far, so good.

I haven’t shared yet how and when I learned that I was finally with child. To give you the shortened version, I found out only 4 days after my transfer! For those of you not familiar with all the timing in IVF, this is crazy early!!! I knew I was pregnant at only 2 1/2 weeks along….this is a good 2-4 weeks before most realize they’ve even missed their period. With the discovery so early on, Eric and I began to brace ourselves for the news of twins.

I went in for my formal blood work about a week after I learned of the news! I tested with the pee stick daily (may twice daily most days!). My HCG came back at 204.3! This not only confirmed the pregnancy but relieved so much anxiety. This number was 4 times higher than the first number I received with Isaiah. I went back in, just 2 days later and it over doubled to 504.7! Things were off to a great start, but no way to tell if this meant one or two babies.

At my 6 week appointment I remember feeling excitement and nerves as that day approached. My mom joined us for the appointment and we all got the first glimpses of the miracle going on in my body. We confirmed just 1 healthy heartbeat! My RE doctor was so very excited for us, it finally worked! I don’t even remember everything we discussed, but I was on Cloud 9 and honestly felt relief that there was just 1 heartbeat and only 1 baby to worry about. Twins would surely have been a blessing and we would have had all of the love in the world for both of those babies, but with 2 babies comes so many more complications, pre & post natal.

At my 8 week appointment, I was a wreck. I had already been feeling nauseous and tired and I knew these were good signs, but I couldn’t shake the paralyzing fear that the heartbeat may not be there anymore. That morning, I learned of another’s loss at 17 weeks pregnant. I bawled for her and her family. I bawled for her little boy gone too soon. I sobbed for my Isaiah and our loss and I sobbed for fear of facing this possible outcome again. I was able to pull myself together enough to go to my appointment, but as I lay on the table waiting for the ultrasound tech to start, I again began to panic. I held my breath, praying silently that everything would check out. And then I saw it, I saw the heartbeat and I instantly broke down, unable to hold in my anxiety any longer. The ultrasound tech could tell I was on edge and she took extra time for us to look in awe at our precious child. She measured the heartbeat, strong at 176. I then asked if we could hear it, I needed to hear it that day. She said they don’t normally listen for it this early because it exposes the baby to more than necessary, but she was willing if we were wanting that.

Any parent knows that sounds of your unborn baby’s heartbeat is one of the sweetest sounds that has ever graced this earth! Tears streamed down the sides of my face as I lay there, breathing in and out, waves of emotions and angst leaving my body. Everything was going to be ok, today.

We then met with the PA to review the scan and talk about the next appointment. As she sat down, she prefaced the entire conversation with “This is somewhat uncommon, but I have to share it with you because we see it’s there. Just know that 99% of the time, it’s nothing. I hate that I even have to share it with you…” and proceeded to inform us that there was a cyst on our baby’s umbilical cord. 99% of the time, this is nothing when spotted this early on, but in that rare 1%, it can mean chromosomal abnormalities that can be fatal to the pregnancy. I immediately filled back up with fear and worry that something was wrong and I was doomed to experience loss again. She did everything she could to say the right things and told me that most likely, this would be gone at our next scan. We could do additional genetic testing if we wanted and we left with some things to think about and pray on.

I spent 2 weeks praying and pleading to God that this cyst would be gone at the next scan.

At 10 weeks, I again sat in the waiting room, as nervous as the last time. I took consolation in all of pregnancy symptoms I had been feeling, but I still worried for my baby’s health. As I laid on the table again, waiting to see our little one, the tech this time did all the measuring and not as fun stuff to start off with. I couldn’t see my baby and I couldn’t see their heartbeat. After a couple of minutes (that felt like an eternity) she finally directed the waves towards baby. As she measured the size, I frantically looked for the heartbeat. Because of my many scans, I’m pretty good at seeing what it is we’re looking at on the screen. I can point out the lining, ovaries & follicles pretty easily. Not that this a very useful ability, but I’m pretty good at seeing the baby and their makeup as well! But this time, I was struggling to see that flickering heart.

And then I saw it. And just as I saw it, Eric spoke up that he wasn’t seeing it and needed confirmation from the tech that the heart was indeed beating. He had apparently been having a silent freak out inside, just like me! The tech quickly assured us both that the heart was indeed beating and was strong, 176 again! She also confirmed that the cyst appeared to no longer be there and all was good!

I visited with the same PA again and reviewed the final first trimester directions. I was “graduating” from the RE program at that visit. I would do all of my follow ups with my regular OBGYN from there on out. My RE was not around to say our “thank-you’s” and “goodbye’s” but hugs were shared with the PA and one of my favorite nurses who happened to be there. I shed a few tears as I left the clinic. These amazing doctors, nurses, techs and even the receptionist have become like a 2nd family to me! (Granted, I don’t want to have to use their services ever again!!!)

Today, my 12 week appointment. Eric and I got to the clinic a little early. As we walked into the hospital, Eric immediately headed to our RE clinic doors on the first floor. I walked to the elevators and hit the arrow indicating “up”. He smiled and said “Oh yeah, we get to go this way today!” It’s been so long since we could use the envied elevators 🙂

We sat in the waiting room, doing just that. I whispered to Eric “Are you nervous?” It was hard to know how we would feel sitting in that waiting room again. Just as he began to answer, we were called back. We met with the nurse and someone else about any insurance questions we may have and then eventually back to the patient room to wait for my doctor. When she came in, she immediately congratulated us on being here again and expressed her genuine happiness to have us back to this point. We reviewed my medical history since the miscarriage. The many surgeries, all the failed transfers and where we were at now mentally and emotionally. She sweetly apologized for everything we’ve been through and for all it’s taken for us to get back to this point again. She did her best to say consoling things, bringing value and importance to Isaiah, and hope for a healthy pregnancy this go around. She was quick to tell us our chance of miscarriage at this point is less than 1%, but she understood that until I’m holding that baby in my arms, I won’t feel comfortable with that 1%.

She got out her hand held ultrasound device early in the appointment and we watched our blessing wiggling, kicking and moving around like crazy! We saw the flickering heart instantly and the relief I felt again was overwhelming. We took extra time just watching and smiling quietly at the 2nd life moving inside of me. I can’t yet feel him or her, but the comfort in seeing their activity is more than I can describe.

So that’s where we’re at and how we’ve gotten here! I feel great about a good check up today, but know that as the days go by before the next appointment, the anxiety will begin to build. I pray daily that this pregnancy will be different, that God won’t allow another life to be lost and for our family to have to go through that again. I know that God gives us strength for every challenge we may face in life, but I continue to pray He won’t face us with that again. I can’t say with certainty, that I would come out looking the same as I did the last time. I will just continue to lean into the hope that God has good in store for us and trust that His plan for our future holds so many blessings.

An Overdue PSA

April 28, 20183 Comments

April 23-27 marks the annual National Infertility Awareness Week. 1 in 8 will struggle with infertility of some kind. Unfortunately, it’s more common that most realize because there is still a stigma around infertility and the inability to reproduce “normally”. I am this 1 in 8.

Approximately 7 years ago, I was finding out for the first time, that I was finally going to be a mom. A dream I had been waiting for for 3 years was finally coming true! Back then, I had no idea just how common fertility issues were. I wasn’t connected with any type of support group much less know anyone personally who had been affected by it in their life. But after I began sharing with others our situation and how we were finally able to become pregnant, it’s like the stories came out of the woodwork! I started to realize I wasn’t the only one in my situation and I began to feel less “broken” in my barrenness.

I went on to have a healthy pregnancy and deliver a very healthy (but a little early!) baby boy! Lincoln entered our world on December 22, 2011 and has changed it for the better ever since! I got to join the “mom club” that I so desperately wanted to be a part of! I was no longer on the outside wanting in, I was a part of it!

A few years went by. Eric and I had always hoped for more children, but had also accepted that if we were a one kid family, that was OK. The financial burden of fertility treatment is real and so we never saw ourselves being in the position to afford it again! Until I discovered my new health insurance benefits would cover all of the procedures and medications! Suddenly, even though I was already a part of the “mom club”, I felt like an outsider again. I wanted so badly to experience all of it over again from the beginning! We went to work right away to make that dream reality, assuming it would be easier the 2nd time. We knew what to expect and it worked the first time, so why not now?!

Fast forward to 4 failed transfers in a year and facing my 5th transfer the Fall of 2016. I could hardly believe I had been through that much and was still fighting for it. I just felt like our family wasn’t complete yet and I needed to keep trying, so we did. And I was so thankful that I did, because just a few weeks later, I was announcing our 2nd pregnancy! It took a lot to get there, but boy was it worth it!

I went through my first trimester like most, feel nauseous, bloated, tired and irritable, but again it was so incredible to be at this point! We talked baby names and eventually started to get the baby room a little bit established. But at 16 weeks, my world came crashing to an abrupt halt and I joined a club I prayed I never would. We lost our Isaiah and the family of 4 we had been envisioning here on Earth, changed forever.

c Infertility was hard enough but to have lost the baby we tried for and prayed for for so long was absolutely devastating to a whole other level. I dealt with depression and anxiety for over a year as we continued with the fertility treatments with our remaining 5 embryos, each one of them never developing into a pregnancy. I was crushed and upset. Why did I ever want to join that stupid club anyway? We were happy as a family of 3! I was so fortunate already to have my son, our IVF story had been a success up until all of this failure, why did I push the envelope! Many women would give anything (and do give so much!) for just 1!

The difference between my first go with IVF and my last 8 (aside from success vs. failures) was the support I had around me. In my first IVF, we had told family and they were great and surrounded us in love and prayer. But in the 2nd, I had found my “tribe” of online women, struggling on the same road as me. Their success felt like a victory for me and when my failures came one after the other, I was able to share that burden with them and they understood like most of my family and close friends, were unable to do. In opening up about my journey, I also met several others outside of that online support group and was able to establish real friendships built on sad and lonely experiences. I cherish these friendships so much and if you are one of them, I’m so glad you’re in my life now!

The 1 in 8 can be lonely, embarrassing, depressing and the list of negative emotions go on and on. As with any challenge you may be faced with (infertility or other), the difference between surviving it or letting it eat you alive can be found in the support you find for yourself. I encourage you to take control of your crummy situation and seek out others who can get what you’re going through. Today’s social media platforms allow this to be so much easier and a feeling of normalcy is allowed in a safe place, even if you’re not ready to share the struggle with the entire world. I know I couldn’t have pushed beyond all our failures had I not sought out the extra support early on.

This week will forever be a week I remember. Not only is it National Infertility Awareness Week and I am 1 in 8, but it’s also the week we confirmed we’re pregnant! We are so thrilled to announce that we are expecting Baby Reuer # 3 on January 1, 2019!

Anxiety & Fear

March 15, 2018June 20, 2018Leave a comment

It’s been awhile {OK a long while} since I’ve posted anything. I haven’t felt the need for “word therapy” in awhile and found myself just saying ‘I’m good right now’. But each day I remember our loss, our hurt, our situation. I still don’t feel “whole” without Isaiah here and I know I never will. And with each passing day of being “good”, I’ve discovered there’s still a lot of fear, anxiety and anger mixed in with all that “good”.

I haven’t been able to give up the dream of becoming a mommy again. I still desire that little babe, that sibling for Lincoln, for our family here on Earth to grow. I continue to see pregnancy announcements and meet new bundles of blessing for other families. I feel tremendous joy for their miracle but if I’m honest, jealousy & resentment for my situation. I really believed by now God would have answered our prayers and desires, but He hasn’t….at least not how I thought He would have.

In the last couple of months, we have been back to our RE and made plans of moving forward. It’s been nearly 5 months now since we found out our last cycle of IVF failed. You may recall, we were left with no more embryos and no answers of ‘why’ all the failure. We spoke at great length about what other steps we could take, what haven’t we tried? IVF is kind of the end of the road as far as the fertility journey goes, it’s the last resort and gives the best odds of success. What could we possibly do different?

My doctor questioned a few different things. Possibly blocked tubes {which had previously been ruled out before we ever started this journey but apparently can still happen at any time}, possibly endometriosis {which I thought had been ruled out…but apparently not}, possibly both. Maybe poor egg quality which would lead to poor embryo quality. Maybe I would need an egg donor? Maybe I need a surrogate to carry for me? Perhaps we need to genetically test the embryos before going through the transfer process. Still so many unknowns, still so many decisions to make but still no guarantee of any success. There is never any guarantee of success in this journey.

Eric and I have spent a lot of time in discussion regarding all of the above. Did we want to keep going forward knowing our current rate of success? Some of the options we were open to, others we needed to think on more and still others we just knew we weren’t open to {or could afford!}.

About a month ago now, I had surgery to determine if I had endometriosis or not. This is an exploratory surgery and the only way to definitively diagnose it, is to undergo the surgery. While she was in there she also planned to check my tubes. If either or both of them were blocked at all, she would need to remove them as the blockage causes leakage back into the uterus. The leakage is then poisonous to any embryo we would put back and then literally kills any chance at getting pregnant. Additionally, she would do another biopsy of the uterine wall to ensure no infections or anything else could be going on.

I’m not one to get nervous about surgery. I was anxious, but in a good way. I finally felt like maybe there was something we had missed all along and there was still a chance that they find something and cure me of my infertility! I couldn’t wait to go under the knife and find some answers!

Surgery went well {recovery was miserable} and we got the results we had hoped for. They found grade 1 endometriosis {which is the lowest grade} and she was able to remove it all. My tubes were perfectly fine {no removal….YES!!!} and the biopsy came back normal. When we reviewed all of the results and photos with her a couples weeks post surgery, she shared with us that my uterus had never looked so good! It’s a weird compliment, yes, but it was amazing news! She said had she not known all of my history, she would never have guessed everything my woman parts have been through; all the surgeries, procedures and 2 D&C’s. She felt great about the findings and the clean up work and about moving forward.

So now we find ourselves here again, in the beginning stages of IVF. I didn’t think I’d ever let myself be back here. After my last retrieval process, I got so physically ill and was in so much pain that I swore to Eric I would never put myself through it again. But, just like any mom who says that after pushing a human out of her body, I find myself willing to do whatever it takes at a chance for another precious life. The reward is worth the risk and I’m excited, eager and even hopeful. I feel good about the endometriosis being removed and that maybe that will be the game changer?!

At the same time, I feel so very nervous and anxious. What if we go through all of this again and it still doesn’t work? This is probably the last retrieval process I can go through both emotionally and financially. I don’t look forward to all of the shots, leg spreading and weight gain that I know my future holds.

I also have fear of it working. What if we do succeed in our efforts? Then I {God willing} will have 40 weeks to live in constant fear & anxiety of losing that miracle and going through the worst time of my life all over again. I know that every check up will bring with it painful memories and worry.

With all that said, I know I will only regret not pushing forward and past the doubt and anxiety. I choose to trust that God has a purpose for my desire still stirring and growing. I am deciding to push past the deep rooted fears and find hope where I can. I know that God is still working out something in me and is bigger than the mess of emotions going on in my head right now! I know that even if failure is on the horizon for us, I learn and grow in my brokenness and that He will also get me through whatever lies ahead.

So here I am again, asking for your prayers. I wasn’t sure that I was going to share our journey this time around. It takes a lot to open up my heart and journey with so many. Vulnerability is not a strong suit of mine! The devil has used all my failures to put thoughts of embarrassment and lack of ability in my head. But instead of allowing him that victory, I’m choosing to have no shame over what I cannot control. Instead, I’m asking for my praying friends & family to come along side us again and pray for our miracle to happen in 2018.

Worry too much

I Miss You With Everything I Have

January 10, 2018June 20, 20182 Comments

How is it possible that already a year has gone by? Has it really been a year since I last laid eyes on you and sobbed over your lifeless body? How can I still hurt this much if time heals all wounds?

The truth is, I will never be healed, not completely. There will always be a part of me missing, like a phantom limb, which at times aches even in its physical absence.

In this lifetime, I will not know your smile, your eye color or your giggle. But I dream of these things often. Not a day goes by that I don’t remember you, how you left this world and envision what could have been if God had allowed. I look forward to our reunion day, to the long embrace and the tears of joy! I love you so very much without knowing you because God still created me to be your mom!

This day is filled with sadness for me. I try to hold it together, but something is missing. We try to celebrate you, do something special to honor the short life you had as I carried you and find ways to praise God from whom all blessings flow. This is a difficult day, one I will remember each year and the memories it holds and try to find the joy. I love you with all I am, Isaiah, and nothing will ever change that. If we are ever blessed with the gift of another little life in our future, you will still hold the same special place in my heart that you do now. You are forever my son and will always hold a purpose in my life.

Closing This Chapter

December 8, 2017December 8, 2017Leave a comment

I’ve intentionally been MIA for several weeks now. Life has been busy and honestly, life has been disappointing as of late. Since my last post, we’ve gone through 2 more transfers with 2 more negative results. We are left frustrated with feelings of hurt, disappointment and waves of anger at times.

I will never know why we’ve gone through everything we’ve been through in the last 2+ years. 13 beautiful embryos with 8 total transfer procedures, countless shots and blood draws, several ultrasounds and surgeries and our marvelous angel, Isaiah.

We will never understand why he couldn’t join us in this world, why he was able to hold on for 16 weeks only to be taken from our earthly world too soon. We can’t understand why the remaining embryos that we tried after him, did not attach. Is it something with me? My diet? Stress? Activity level? Or is this just the road that God intended for us?

It seems cruel to come this far in my journey to becoming mommy again, and to be left facing the reality that it likely will not happen for us. However, I continue to try to look on the positive side. I cannot control what I cannot control. But through the hurt, through all of the pain, I have met some incredible people and I know my story has touched and helped others. It has brought awareness to the real struggle of infertility and my hope is that others who are fortunate enough to have not faced this struggle personally, can appreciate, understand and be more sensitive to those who are or may be struggling with it. That is the purpose I choose to see in this painful journey, and to me that’s worth it.

As much as it has hurt, I would not go back and change the last 2 years. The challenges and hardship we have faced, has made me stronger, more empathetic and a better mother to my sweet Lincoln. I am grateful for the short amount of time I carried Isaiah, my delivery and the chance to hold his precious body. Each day I dream of our reunion in Heaven for eternity. I know he is surrounded in love and laughter and joy, he faces no hurt, no judgement, no sin….what mother wouldn’t want that for her child?!

I need to thank each of you for your constant thoughts, prayers and positive encouragement to us through this tumultuous journey. Without your support and God’s grace, we couldn’t be at the place we are today. I won’t lie to you, it’s still tough accepting that we were not successful in all of our attempts, but I know in my heart that God has more in store. He is not finished with us yet and we pray He will continue to work in our lives and use our hardships and our joys, for His larger purposes.

Already 2 Weeks Pregnant!

October 12, 2017October 12, 20171 Comment

You probably read the title and figured I had some really exciting and surprising news to share! Well, I do, but probably not what you’re thinking 🙂

Monday I had my follow up ultrasound to see how my lining and body responded to the extra hormones over the weekend. Thankfully, most everything responded perfectly! My lining went from a 2.4 on Friday to a 9.5 on Monday…..which is awesome news!!! My levels looked mostly good but they did have me up some of the medications I’m on in preparation for transfer.

Transfer is set for Saturday morning…..YAY!!!! I’m feeling so good to finally be at this point in the game. I know there is a lot that still needs to go right, but the fact that we’re not being delayed again feels like a victory that I’m not taking for granted!!!

So why the title?

Well, the 40 week count for any pregnancy actually starts at the beginning of one’s cycle, therefore, I’m actually 2 1/2 weeks pregnant already 😉 The baby{babies} have been conceived, he/she/they just need to implant and continue growing!

Another crazy thing to think about is, these babies-in-the-making were actually conceived over a year ago! Last September is when I did my last egg retrieval and a year ago on 10/8 is when we transferred Isaiah so technically these babes have a year of existence under their belt already….just in the frozen state. Hopefully that means they are hardy and strong and able to make it through to the next stage!

I’m feeling more excited and hopeful then I expected based on our passed experiences. I think a big reason is I know that no matter the outcome, all of this was in God’s plan and He has a purpose for it….even all the crap we’ve gone through to get here. I also have a sense of contentment with being a 3 person family, that I wouldn’t have expected, if that is the ultimate outcome. I’m grateful for the hopeful feelings, but feel even more fortunate to have the contentedness in my heart.

Thanks again for all your prayers, messages and positive thoughts! I appreciate it more than I can relay!!

“You will keep in perfect peace, all who trust in You, all who’s thoughts are fixed on You!” Isaiah 26:3

Act 3 – Scene 2 – Take 7

October 6, 20172 Comments

I’ve been through this play act so many times, it’s got to end eventually, right?! But thus far, my efforts haven’t made the cut and I’m still standing here trying to get it right. I’ve changed medications, regimen, diet, exercise…you name I’ve tried it and it all feels futile!

Incase you can’t tell by the title, we’re preparing for yet another transfer. Still trying for a baby (Act 3), transferring 2 embryos we have frozen already (Scene 2) and our 7th attempt (Take 7) in the last 2 years.

It’s really disheartening when I read that back 😦 I can’t believe I’m still here 2 years later and that I’ve gone through this process 7 times…and I’m still going!!!! I’m either really strong or really stupid…it just depends on who you ask I guess. Which ever it is, I just don’t know how to quit when there is still that chance to bring home a baby. So for now, we just keep going until we know we can’t.

Today I had my follow up appointment to check my lining and see if it’s cooperating this time. The last 2 transfers have been cancelled due to lining issues so I went in to this appointment today expecting the worst but hoping for the best. Unfortunately, we didn’t get what we hoped for.

Instead we found that my lining is still very thin. I’m not left feeling overly confident, but it’s still early and so they’ve changed up my protocol again, added in some additional estrogen pills and shots to give me a boost, and I’ll follow up again on Monday morning to see how things progressed over the weekend.

My biggest fear is that come Monday, things haven’t improved enough and we have to delay again. I’m at the point in this 2 year journey, that I just want to get off the ride! I’ve come to terms that we may be a single kid family. I can handle this. I feel forever fortunate to have the incredible son I have and beyond blessed to be a mom already. But right now, I just feel stuck in limbo. I want to move forward as a family of 3, but while those embryos are sitting in that freezer, I know I will just always wonder “what if” if we don’t thaw them and give it another try. I wish I could skip to the end of the script, read the last chapter to see how it all plays out and prepare myself for my role in life moving forward, but I can’t….

Only the Director {God} knows how this one goes and how my story will unfold on Monday. In the meantime, I’d really appreciate prayers that my body will respond as we hope and that I’m able to report good news after next week’s visit!

A New Normal

September 2, 20172 Comments

The dreaded end of summer is upon us and I honestly have no idea where it went! Lincoln has started kindergarten {mom had watery eyes, but no tears spilled over!}, the leaves are changing color and life keeps going just as fast as ever!

It’s been over a month since I was last at my fertility clinic. I haven’t gone that long without a doctor visit or lab draw or something for over a year! No communication with my doctors office, no extra hormones in my system, just cut off cold turkey from it all. As odd as it might sound, this feels so foreign to me. For nearly 2 years, I’ve been so scheduled and so monitored that now not having those regular appointments, seems strange.

Adjusting to this new normal has been nice, however my mind has not been able to shut off the thoughts of a baby and adding to our family. I’ve tried to shift focus to family, work and living in the present but this is proving to be difficult. I can’t help but wonder about our future and when the “right time” to try again will be. I haven’t been able to figure out how to turn off this drive to becoming a mommy again. Maybe I never will. As difficult as it is to go through the infertility treatment, I find myself wanting to be back there again.

A part of me wonders if it’s because it was my normal for so long? Or is it because I just keep wanting to fight to control my situation? I want so badly to keep “moving forward” but feel like God is still telling me I need to “stay put”.

Each pregnancy announcement I hear still holds a little sting. Every post of a healthy new baby brings me back to my loss and stirs jealousy inside of me that I wish would go away. I see Isaiah in each of those newborn photos and want so badly to snuggle my sweet angel.

This past week, a co-worker of my husbands shared something so powerful with him. She had been praying for us on her drive to work and she felt something nudging her to tell Eric what God was putting on her heart. She was nervous to tell him and afraid it might come off “weird”, but she couldn’t shake that feeling that she needed to share it. She felt God telling her that our family would be alright and that our home would be filled with laughter. Hearing this brought tears to my eyes, it meant so much. I realize this does not mean we are necessarily destined to have another child, but rather it was a reminder of exactly what she said: that we will be alright and our home, our current family, is enough to be joyful with. What brought me to tears was knowing we are still in the thoughts and prayers of others and God is still providing strength and courage through others when we are feeling low. It was exactly what I needed to hear from someone I hardly know.

For now, I’ll continue to adjust to this new normal and do my best to listen to what God is putting on my heart as well as the hearts of others.

God Doesn’t Make Mistakes

August 9, 2017August 9, 2017Leave a comment

Since my last update a lot has changed. It’s been about a month now since my last transfer procedure was cancelled due to an underdeveloped uterine lining. Since then, I’ve had another cycle cancelled and the experts and myself are at a loss as to why. Why did my body decide to start throwing this curve ball now? Why am I not responding to the medications like I have in the passed? Why can’t I just get pregnant already??

Since then my mind has been all over the place. One hour I would feel like I wanted to move forward at all costs, the next I was deciding that maybe being a 3 person family was best. I was on one end of the spectrum to the other and every where in between and all in the same hour sometimes! I found myself confused and unsure on how I wanted to proceed, how I wanted to control the situation.

Over the last two years, my prayers have also been changing. When we started this journey, my prayers were simple and consisted of “please bless and grow our family, please give us this desire”. Then, even before the positive pregnancy test with Isaiah, my prayers changed to “please bless and grow our family, but if that’s not your will, please help me to accept that”. After our loss, they changed again to “give us a baby to replace the one you took and heal this wound”. In the last few weeks, my prayers have changed again. I feel more mature {even though I certainly don’t always act like it} and I find myself coming to peace with the realization that God doesn’t make mistakes. My prayers are now simple again, asking “your will be done in my life”.

So here we are now, at a stand still. 2 years later, no baby and no idea what our future holds. For now, we’re taking some time off. We still have 3 frozen embryos to use and most likely, we’ll use them…..eventually. I’m trying not to be so scheduled, not to make a timeline, not to give myself the illusion that I’m in control of this because as much as I want to be and think I can be, I know that I’m not.

I’m still saddened when I think back over the pain we’ve gone through with all of this, but I’m grateful to be where I am now. I know that even if our future does not include another little one, we still have a future. Life will continue and we will continue to make the most of the life he’s given us.