Another “Club” I Didn’t Ask to Join

February 21, 2025Leave a comment

It’s been a few years since I’ve journaled here. As cliche as I know it sounds, life has been busy with 2 very active and involved kids!! I am constantly reminding myself that I willingly {and prayerfully} signed up for a lot of the chaos that these boys bring into my daily life!!! The running around, the fighting, the challenging conversations {how do I have a teenager already 😐 ??!!??} and everything in between! I’m also counting my blessing, remembering the days that I prayed for the things I have today. It is never lost on me how God’s plan has unfolded and been so much better than the one I had dreamed up when we began our journey to parenthood over a decade and a half ago….

Before I get into the “club” I’ve recently been thrown into, a quick update on our embabies for any readers who may wonder what ever happened to those frozen blessing!!! The twins are healthy, happy and thriving! We are so grateful to be able to be in open communication with their parents, getting updates multiple times a year, sharing photos as they grow and Christmas cards each season!! Hearing about their developing personalities and knowing the stubborness of our boys, they are in our prayers regularly as parents :)!!! Our genetics created talented, kind, beautiful children, but they’ve got some strong-willed little humans on their hands if the “nature” is stronger than the “nurture”!!!!

If you recall, there were 5 viable embryo’s that we adopted out to the same family. They have the twins and are now currently expecting their 3rd child in 2025 with the last of the 5 embryo’s!!! Again….God’s plan is always better than our own. I would have NEVER dreamt that this would or even could be a part of our story and purpose in life!

Like I mentioned before, we have a teen in the house now! Lincoln turned 13 in December. As anyone with teen’s know, there are so many emotions and changes going on, sometimes on an hourly basis! Overall, Lincoln is a fantastic kid. He is thriving at his academics despite his dyslexia, has a very quick witted sense of humor like his father, enjoys Fortnight and COD like most boys his age, loves youth group on Wednesday nights and is currently busy with club basketball season, club baseball practice, private baseball lessons and agiligty and strength training. Needless to say, we are running somewhere every.single.night for him!!!

Everson is in kindergarten and loving it. He is a social butterfly (more than his brother) and has a true heart of emapthy for others. He feels all of the feels and is very perceptive to those around him. He is my snuggle buddy and has such a big heart for others. He is currently in his “off season” but will be starting soccer soon, followed by baseball this summer and looking forward to his first year of flag football in the fall. Eric and I have never been soccer parents so it’s new territory for us but we love seeing him do what he loves!

Now to provide an update to my personal story, something causing me great anxiety and if I’m honest, some fear and oddly enough, guilt. About a month ago, I was diagnosed with breast cancer…there I said it. If I’m honest, it’s hard to “admit” for me. I’m filled with many emotions and thoughts about this relevation but I think the biggest one currently is shock that this is now part of my story.

To summarize, I turned the big 4-0 in December. If I’m honest, I was looking forward to this milestone. 39 was probably one of my least favorite years for a whole plethora of reasons, too much to get into here and ultimately not the point of this post. I was looking forward to closing the chapter on my 30s and starting clean in 40. 11 days after turning 40, I had my very first mammogram. Not knowing exactly what to expect but being prepped that I would likely get a call back {many first timers do} I wasn’t even alarmed when I received the call that I need more images. I did my follow up mammogram which was scheduled for 30-40 minutes and thought nothing of it.

Nearly 2 hours later, I was meeting with the radiologist and hearing him tell me there were some “concerning spots” on my scans and ultra sound. I was going to need a couple of biopsies to determine exactly what they were seeing and rule out breast cancer if possible. I remember being in shock and not really understanding what he was telling me but also not feeling like it would actually be anything serious. Lots of women older than myself have follow up biopsies that come back completely normal and I FULLY expected to be one of those women….I’m only 40!!! I left the hospital with a date set for the biopsies…over 30 days out was as quick as they could get me in 😦 !! I didn’t want to wait that long and with the help and insight of a friend, was encourage to self refer myself to another medical provider in town that would be able to get me in a couple of weeks sooner {BIG thank you to said friend!!}.

Fast forward to biopsy day. I wasn’t telling anyone outside of said friend, my immediate family {besides the boys} and a couple of my co-workers. I didn’t want to cause undue concern and I really didn’t want all the questions of “how are you doing”. I needed to wait as I was still unaware and ignorant of what this was really looking to be. Prior to my biopsy that morning, we meant with a nurse practitioner who reviewed my scans from the other medical facility since I hadn’t met with anyone at this 2nd facility yet. As she showed us those images and went through what she & the surgeon were seeing, it began to sink in that this was very likely what I thought wasn’t possible….cancer 😦 Eric finally asked what we were both thinking but I was too afraid to ask , “How serious is this really??? Do we actually need to be worried that the results will come back with what you’re saying it could be.”. Her response was sensitive but chilling at the same time. It was simply “This is very serious and you need to be prepared for that. If it wasn’t so serious, we wouldn’t be doing multiple biopsies today.” It hit me in the gut and the tears were soon to follow. Essentially it no longer felt like it was a matter of “if”, it was a matter of how far spread these abnormal cells were and had it invaded anywhere or is it contained still.

I waited 6 agonizing days for the biopsy results!!! It gave me time to wrap my head around the likely positive diagnosis, but also time to pray that God would perform a miracle and surprise us all, including the doctors and nurses. During this time we continued to keep it close to the chest and shield our boys from the fear that was going on in the back of our minds.

When I finally received the call with the results, I at least felt like I was prepared for the answer. I had had time to think about what I might want to do as far as treatment goes. The official diagnosis is DCIS (Ductal Carcinoma In Situ) and is an early stage, non-invasive form of breast cancer. Although it is technically cancer, it’s stage 0 and if you’re going to get breast cancer, it’s the one you want to get! This is my silver lining in all of this!!

That night, we had to tell the boys. This was what I was dreading most. I had done lots of crying and praying and was still in shock myself, I didn’t know how to break this news to my adolescent children and no one should ever have to 😦

It’s been nearly 4 weeks now since I received the news. We’ve met with a couple of different surgeons who’ve both had the same exact opinion for treatment and positive outlook to the situation. Although the cancer appears to be completely contained to the milk ducts of my right breast, it also appears to be somewhat close to the skin. It is unlikely that I will need chemotherapy {I feel so fortunate about that!} but whether I will need radiation will be determined after the pathology comes back from the surgery. The option of a lumpectomy is not on the table for me as again, even though it’s contained to the ducts, it’s all over and so a lumpectomy would not be practical for me. My only real option was a full mastectomy of the right breast with the choice of doing a bi-lateral just to reduce the chance of this being something I could deal with (although unlikely) down the road on the other side. The left side did show some calcifications, but nothing oddly shaped or extensive like the right side. At the time of surgery, they will also remove a few lymph nodes and test those to ensure no cancer has spread to those nodes. Assuming those come back clean, chemo should not be necessary and this is what we are praying for and fully expecting to be the case. If the margins are clean (cancer in the breast tissue not too close to the skin) I should also be able to avoid radiation. Then it will be a discussion of if I will need the “cancer pill” or not for the next 5 years. But, one step at a time is what I keep reminding myself of.

This was a huge curveball to start my 2025. Again, I was looking forward to a new page and a clean start in my 40’s. I didn’t expect that my very first mamogram would take me here. When I asked how long this cancer has maybe been inside me, one surgeon thought possible 3-5 years already. DCIS is a very slow moving cancer and as long as it’s caught while still in the ducts, it is not life threatening and very, very treatable!!! PSA – I CANNOT EMPHASIZE ENOUGH, DO YOUR ANNUAL, PREVENTATIVE SCREENING!!!!!

The last year has been a lot of “pruning” in my life. Relationships that weren’t serving me in a positive way, self discovery and realization of things and people I needed to cut from my life to be able to improve in myself and a wake up call to seek my Maker in the little things and the big things. It’s once again a reminder that God allows things in your life that feel hard and overwhelming but ultimately make you stronger, so that you can be prepared when curveballs like cancer come your way and put the hard {but ultimately trivial} things in life into perspective. It has been a needed reminder that not everything and everyone that feels “good” and “safe” are actually those things. It’s OK and healthy to let go of them when they become toxic. I can honestly say I’m grateful for the hardships I faced in 2024 because they have provided perspective and strength to go through this next life experience I never asked for.

I would covet your prayers as I sit in waiting until surgery which is scheduled for the end of April. It will be a 2 part surgery with quite a bit of down time in between. Much more downtime than I would like as this will mean limited weight lifting ability and worst of all…no hot yoga!!!! Hot yoga has become a physical and mental outlet for me so prayers that I am able to find a new outlet during that time might be needed for my mental health more than anything else!! On the upside, it will be baseball season so pouring into my boys even more and soaking up all the time at the ball park may be just what I need :)!

Thanks in advance for your care, concern and positive vibes and prayers. I know this bump in the road will serve a purpose and my prayer is I use it for His glory!

Two Precious Humans

December 20, 2022Leave a comment

If you’re been following along (I know….it’s been awhile since I’ve updated!), in January of this year, I shared that the couple who blessed us by adopting out our 5 remaining embryos was pregnant with twins. It’s been approximately 11 months since I shared that update and so you can safely assume, those two have come into this world and are living out the lives that God intended for them. They’ve impacted many in such a positive way already with their special story. They’ve also likely impacted their parents with lack of sleep and overwhelmed emotions of bringing home 2 brand new babies!!

Of course, I shared the exciting news with close family and friends when we learned of their birth this summer, but I never had the right words to take to the blog. So many emotions hit me when I got that email, sharing their names, birthday and precious, precious photos. My heart melted and a wave a gratitude and love came over me. I was so honored and humbled to be a part of their story. To have such a special, unique and ultimately unknown relationship and bond with these two lives was overwhelming. I wasn’t exactly sure how I felt about it all and wanted to be sure I got it right. I can honestly say now, months later, there has never been feelings of doubt or wonder if we make the right decision. I have never felt like they were in the “wrong” home. I never felt guilty of abandonment to them. For this, I am so grateful.

I have peace that Eric and I made the right decision, that we did what every parent strives to do and give their children the best opportunity to thrive in life. Now, I wouldn’t call these children “our children”. We may share genes with them and likely some physical traits, but they are 100% the children of their adoptive mom & dad. I hope that doesn’t come off as if I don’t think of or care for them. I just mean that I so deeply respect the necessary relationship & title boundaries and would never try to name them as “our children”. I only mean to say, for the time that they were ours, as embryos, we loved them like their parents do now and would do anything to see them raised up in a loving, healthy and safe home. And that’s the choice we made for them, and we are so very thankful that we did 🙂

When I tell people of our unique story I often times am met with awe and wonder. Most people think it’s “beautiful”, “selfless” or “neat” but couldn’t imagine being in the situation to make that choice. My response is what it has always been….it was our only choice. We could not even consider another option. I know that in today’s world it is controversial to consider embryos as life, but now living this out, seeing photos of two beautiful children that are a direct result of our decision for life, knowing a couple has grown into a family, I don’t have the capacity to see embryos as anything other than life. This is my story and my truth and although it’s “untraditional”, it’s beautiful.

I hope that more couples who have suffered infertility and have been ultimately blessed in growing their family, will consider embryo adoption a more realistic option. I understand it’s a very personal decision and can be hard to come to grips with, but just like anything else in this life, God will give you the strength to make the choice He’s calling you to make. Don’t be afraid to trust Him, don’t be afraid to have hard emotions about that calling and lean in to knowing that He has your best interest in mind.

To our 2 amazing genetic humans out there, I hope you will always know and feel how loved you have been and always will be. Not only by your mom, dad and extended family. Not only by us in South Dakota who may share some traits with you. But most importantly by the God who created you and knows your story better than anyone else. I think of you daily. I wonder what you each look like, the things you’re experiencing (and will continue to experience) as you grow, your milestones and the kind of people you’ll become. Always trust and know that God has big plans for you both. I hope to watch those plans unfold from a distance and one day know you both on a more personal level. Until then, you’re each in my prayers and a part of our shared story and our hearts.

With the sincerest and most selfless love,

Kayla

A New Chapter, A New Family

January 19, 20222 Comments

It’s been a few weeks since we shared the exciting news that we’ve officially and legally adopted out all 5 of our embryos to an incredible young couple that we are so very grateful for! Eric and I spent much time discussing the “ideal” couple for our unknown embryos and always at the top of our list was that they would love the Lord, serve him first and would desire to raise their children to know and love him as well. We both feel that we hit the jackpot with our embryos parents-to-be! I have loved the communication I’ve been able to have back and forth with them and just know that both parties feel so much inexpressible gratitude for the other. I have zero doubts that God orchestrated all of this for his Glory and for our good!

We found out shortly after their transfer in November that they were indeed pregnant!! When I initially read this, I immediately had tears of joy and felt so much peace about it. It was as if a burden had been lifted off my shoulders. Even though these embryos are no longer my legal responsibility I still felt so much pressure on myself (even though I have absolutely no control over it!) for their transfer and pregnancy to be successful!

However the relief that I felt (and still do) is more than just excitement and gratefulness that they were able to achieve a pregnancy with our donated embryos but even more so for the said embryos! These already multiplied but frozen cells, were life in my eyes. I knew from day 1 of our infertility journey that I could never discard them. There were so many tears, prayers, dreams and time spent over them and by more than just myself. Family and friends joined in on this journey with us. They suffered when we suffered and they encouraged and prayed for us as we continued down the road of growing our family after each painful loss or failed attempt. I always knew that if the opportunity presented itself, we would adopt any remaining embryos to another couple in need, trying desperately to grow their family….and the amazing thing is, God always knew that too and had a greater plan with this specific couple in mind, when we started down that road over a decade ago. Our God is so great and his plan is always better than ours!

On December 27, I received an email from this newly mom-to-be and someone I now consider an extended part of me and my family! She was reaching out to update us on their pregnancy news. They were so excited to share that they are expecting TWINS!!!!!! You read that right, 2 precious lives will be coming out of the embryos we could have so easily discarded so that we didn’t have to have the potentially uncomfortable feelings and idea of our biological children being raised by someone else! It brought tears to my eyes again knowing full well we made the right choice, the God led and life honoring choice, and gave an opportunity of life to these embryos and the chance of a family to this beautiful couple!!!

December 27 was also Everson’s 3rd birthday. Our Everson, who was biologically conceived at the same time as these newly developing babies, will be connected to these 2 children in such a special way!!! Science is incredible and our God that allows the continual advancement in science is so good too and we are seeing that first hand in our current situation.

On 1/11/22 we remembered our lost but never forgotten son, Isaiah, again. It has been 5 years since I delivered his lifeless body too soon. I’ll never forget the pain, the deep hurt and loss I felt so far too long. I still don’t go without thinking about him 5 years later. As soon as I hear his name being called out to someone else, I’m taken back to that day in 2017 when my earth shattered, not hearing his heartbeat. That’s something I can never forget and in the moment and weeks and months around it, couldn’t see through that anger and pain filled fog. But now, 5 years later, I still wonder what he would look like, his personality, what our lives would look like with him in it, But I also smile, knowing that because of the sacrifice of him, I have a greater and deeper appreciation for the life of all the littles that make it through a healthy pregnancy. I also have my 3 year old Everson now. And of course, our extended friends/family in another state who we’ve never met, are also getting the chance at a family of their own with not just 1 but 2 beautiful children in the late summer of this year! We are so very excited for them, hearing about their pregnancy journey and are so honored to come along side of them and their family, and pray for them in any way we can.

I often get asked, will you get to meet them someday? Will they know their full biological story? Will our boys get to meet their fully biological siblings? All I can say at this point is Eric, myself and our boys are wide open to that possibility, but we also understand and respect that there needs to be boundaries and any kind of communication, relationship and possibly meet up needs to be done in a safe and healthy way for the children and families involved. This is completely new territory for all of us involved and the most important piece of it, is the plan that God had all along. We want to honor and listen to that far above anything else so much prayer and thought will go into any kind of meet up and closing connections made between us and their family.

As the weeks, months and eventually years go by, I hope to have some type of relationship with the children that come from our sacrifice and their parents. But I trust that God already has that worked out and knows what that looks like on the other side of time and will in time, lead us down that road if and when it’s appropriate. In the meantime, our family will continue to pray and communicate via email with the adoptive parents, trusting that they are going to do what is right and best for their children just as any loving parent would.

So for my praying friends and those who have followed our infertility journey that started of so, so long ago, I’m asking for your prayers again but this time for another couple currently living their dream of bringing home a baby…..or in their case, babies 🙂 !!!!

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths.” – Proverbs 3:5-6

God. Is. So. Good.

September 26, 2021Leave a comment

I’ve said since I started blogging {however many years ago that was already!} that I knew then that God had a plan for our struggle, our journey, our story. I never knew for sure what the next chapter looked like, what obstacles we’d face or where the road would exactly lead us but I KNEW beyond doubt that God already had it written and would reveal his plan in time. This last Friday felt like the next step in a new direction and we are so excited to see how God has already written His grand story and is just now revealing it all to us!

If you’ve stayed current in lives or read my last post from several months ago, you’ll know we were in the process of adopting out our remaining embryos. Well, a couple of weeks ago, we took the next step and signed over our legal rights to our frozen genes and are praying earnestly that in a few months we’ll be getting an update that this beautiful, God fearing couple is expecting!

To bring you up to speed, this is the 3rd couple who’s profile was shared with us since April. Each time we received that email with a link to a profile and photo(s), we prayed and gave thoughtful consideration to who we felt these people were (based on very little information, keep in mind) and what they were asking for. We could hear the desire to grow a family in each of the profile letters we read. These couples so greatly wanted to grow their family and each one of their stories brought me to tears. They were all in a very difficult spot, one I’d never felt the weight of. Although my ability to get pregnant was challenging and required patience, I wasn’t impeded by the same obstacle they each had.

As I type this, it feels insensitive to try to even relate because I just feel so fortunate to have had the journey we had rather than the one they are each facing.

Saying “no thank you” to the first 2 couples wasn’t easy. It didn’t feel right to be able to put pause on their dream. But in the same moment, we were praying and listening to who God was leading us to.

I remember getting the email with the profile for the 3rd couple. I was out of town for work and shot a text to Eric that there was another match. I instantly read their letter and scanned through their pictures. There were several things that stood out to me and my heart leaped as I thought these could be the ones!!

Saying “yes” was easy, but we knew it wasn’t the finale. We had also said “yes” to the 2nd couple initially and then had a change of heart and were sent back to drawing pool. The next step after saying “yes” is the mediation process, which is somewhat daunting. We had to come to a legal agreement for the future of these embryos with nearly complete strangers. Every person {including Eric and myself} might have a slightly different idea of how they want the next 18+ years to look like with their potential child. Eric and I would have most of the say-so up front, but once we signed that dotted line, it would be taken out of our hands and up to the other family to honor. Ultimately, we wanted to be as involved or uninvolved, as the birth parents would feel was right for their child/children.

We had already been through the contract and mediation process with the 1st couple we said yes to and our hearts desires for these potential children had not changed so there was no updates to our “asks” of this new couple. That helped to speed things up and the social worker sent this off to be reviewed. With what had felt like only a matter of days, the other couple had agreed to our “wants”, including a face-to-face {at least a 2021 version of face-to-face….Google Meet} chat with this couple. It all felt surreal and everything was falling into place so smoothly, other than finding the time in our busy schedules to “meet”! We signed the contract and gave over our legal rights to the 5 embryos I once held inside of me, right next to our Everson, to this couple we’d never met, trusting that God’s hand was in it all.

This last Friday {9/24/21} we had the unique opportunity and pleasure to talk to, ask questions of and share our story and future desires, with this couple. We shared laughs, tears and our hearts with them and I’m praying we have many more to share in coming months and years. They are imprinted in my mind and heart and my prayers are covering them over these next several weeks and months to come!

We all agreed that this “transaction” is one of love above all. Eric and I have so much love for these 5 frozen, conceived lives that we couldn’t imagine giving them anything other than a chance at a life for Him. This couple hadn’t seen the dream of having their own pregnancy as a reality until as of late. They always saw adoption as a part of their story but not this route of it. COVID and the inconveniences that may have come with it, is what pushed them to look in the direction that led them to us. As ugly, desperate and life shaking as COVID has been, I can stop and appreciate that even from a terrible situation, God can and will do good in our lives.

We were able to spend a short 45 minutes getting a small glimpse of who this couple is. I walked away feeling such a sense of peace and excitement for what God is doing in all of our lives.

Nearly 11 years ago when we discovered IVF would be the path to growing our family, I had no idea that through it, we could be helping another family outside of ourselves. Instead of being able to see that bigger plan {the one that God always knew}, I was consumed by the immediate roadblocks, challenges and difficulties. Although I don’t blame my former self for feeling the way I felt, Friday was a reminder to me that God’s plan is always bigger and better than my own!

It’s not my place to share the story of the other couple and we know that any child/children born by them and from our embryos, are THEIR child/children, not our own. We will always respect their comfort level of sharing and trust that as parents, they will do the right thing for their child/children just as we would our own. I have visions of a future relationship with this family and their children, but I also know in my heart that I will never be their mommy, they will not come to me when they are hurting, I won’t be there to experience their first steps and much of their lives I won’t be able to be a part of, but something I will always undoubtably have for them, regardless of our relationship status, is love.

A New Process

April 5, 2021Leave a comment

It’s been well over a year since I put my thoughts into formal words to anyone who cared to read. We all know how the last year has been stranger than all the others before. So many family and friends kept apart, the loss of loved ones and of course the very political divide we saw cause so much strife in our country. 2020 was a hard year, but I honestly grew friendships, enjoyed my family and watched my boys grow another year older and chose to find joy. It was a challenging year at times but certainly not my hardest.

2021 feels like maybe things may give us a resemblance of normalcy again. Despite anyone’s political or mask beliefs, I think everyone can agree that we’d all like to see things go back to “how they were before”. But just as I was beginning to feel like we were headed towards living life closer to “before”, I got an email.

It was a message I knew would come in time, that I’d be contacted with an update, but it still took me off guard. The email was in regard to an adoption we’ll be a part of.

I have to take you back to give you the context of the situation we find ourselves in now.

Pre-COVID, (because we all base time pre and post COVID now!) I received an invoice for the storage of our 5 remaining embryos. At that point, the embryos were approximately 2 ½ years old and we had to either 1) pay the $400 -ish annual storage fee, 2) destroy them, 3) donate them to science or 4) adopt them to another family.

For us, there was only 1 option really. I guess we could have continued to pay to store them, but honestly, we know that we’re done with our IVF journey. To keep them in the freezer, knowing they would never have the chance to reach their potential, that’s not what we wanted for them. We want more for these embryo’s just as we did our others before them. And so, we chose what to us felt like the only real option: Adoption.

Adoption is a beautiful journey and at many different points in our lives, I saw us going down that road to grow our family. But now we find ourselves on the giving end of an adoption story, a spot I could have never imagined being in. I would never have envisioned a situation where I would selflessly give my children to be loved and raised by another family. But here we are, praying for just that.

For over a year, we have been working with an embryo adoption agency. This particular clinic is 1 of the 2 our reproductive clinic recommended based on their relationship with said clinic and the reputation they have for their work. We chose this particular clinic knowing that even though we are giving up our legal rights and ownership of the embryo’s, we would still have a say in the family that may choose to adopt them. We will be given the opportunity to also decide if we would like an open, semi-open or completely closed adoption. And if we have a 180 change of heart, we could even get our embryo’s back, assuming we hadn’t already given approval to adopt them out. I did quite a bit of research to land on this clinic and was very happy with the options and “say” we would have over the future of our boys’ fully biological siblings.

On Friday, I received the email that all of the pre-work was processed and the embryo’s had officially been moved to their facility down south. Our profile would now be made available to couples looking to adopt embryos for their own infertility journey. If our profile was chosen (which includes photos of our family and beautiful boys, stories of who our boys are and their interests and medical histories of us all) we will receive another email with a link to said couple’s profile. We will then be given the chance to learn about and potentially communicate with the possible parents to our biological children. We then get the final “yes” or “no” to this couple’s dream based on the desire of our hearts for the 5 embryos taken from our beings and grown for 5 days in a lab next to our Everson.

The science is both incredible and feels so distant and cold.

I’ve not been through a “regular” adoption so I cannot compare the feelings on either side of the isle, but I would assume there is doubt and fear, anxiety and excitement and most of all love, in the hearts of all people involved. It starts with an unideal situation but out of it, comes the potential for a beautiful family story, one based on unconditional love and selfless action. I may not have carried these embryos to full term and felt their kicks in my womb, but I cried many tears over them, prayed many prayers for them, and did everything I could to protect them and give them the best chance at life. And I still want them to have that life that I prayed for for them.

As we go down this road, I have no idea what it looks like. I have no idea what couples might be interested in adopting our genetics, but I get excited to think about sharing in someone else’s life dream. My boys are my everything and my other boys (or girls) could be someone else’s everything as well.

And then of course, the ideas of “no one else can raise my boys like I can” and “I can’t let my biological children be raised by someone else” and of course “these are my boy’s full siblings, I can’t give them up” thoughts creep in too. These are real thoughts and concerns that cause anxiety and fear, but I remind myself that God has always had a plan for this. He already knows what happens to us all and has written the end of the story. We can’t know yet how it reads, but we have to trust that he’s written it for our good, and I do believe that.

In the end, my fears and anxieties are outweighed by the joy I have in my heart when I think of another couple experiencing the love we have with Lincoln and Everson. The thought of their sweet giggles and cute smiles gracing the home of another family, loving each other and knowing their mom and dad (biological and adoptive) loved them so very much that they went to extremes to bring them into this world. As long as all of my children always know how much love there is for them in this strange and crazy and sometimes scary world, I can move forward with this adoption knowing I am completing a part of the chapter written before me.

So now we wait in anticipation, for that next email. I have no idea how long that might take or what questions we’ll have when we get there. In the meantime, I’m praying for whatever family picks our embryos, that they would know Christ as their Savior and their intention would include raising these children to know Him as well. I pray that the embryos will take to them, that a healthy pregnancy will develop and that multiple children for a growing family will come of the adoption.

And I pray most that they will know Love.

To My Son I Feared I’d Never Have

December 27, 2019December 27, 2019Leave a comment

“He has made everything beautiful in it’s time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.” – Ecclesiastes 3:11

Life looks so different today than it did 3 years ago.

3 years ago, I was just getting over the morning sickness. I was just finishing up with all the hormone shots. I was getting some of my energy back. I was starting to feel a little better. Our family was over-the-moon excited to grow into having a 4th member in the summer of 2017.

3 years ago at this time, I was carrying your brother and you were not yet even a thought in my mind….

2 years ago we were still hurting. We were still slowly picking up the pieces after we lost your brother, Isaiah. We were trying to move forward and to heal but our hearts still ached for what was missing. It was hard to see through the thick fog of loss and sorrow.

1 year ago, a new love entered this world and our family finally felt a sense of completion. You couldn’t replace Isaiah, he’s irreplaceable, just like you and like Lincoln. But you took you own place in our family, the spot God had designed specifically for you so many years ago.

Long before I even could imagine you, he had a beautiful plan laid out on an imperfect path. The road to you was bumpy, it was scary and among some of the twists and turns it took to get to you, I felt lost and wanted to quit moving. I wanted to go running back to where I had come from, where I had been before all of the loss.

But here I am now, a year down this new path in life, looking back in awe. I’m in awe of you and how easily we transitioned into having you in our daily lives. I’m in awe of the amount of love my heart can hold for you, Isaiah, Lincoln and your dad all at the same time. I’m in awe of God’s greater plan in the midst of the darkest pitfalls and the strength I found to work my way out of said pits {with His help of course!}. I’m in awe of you.

2017 was a long, hard year. It held a lot of dark feelings, bitterness and anger.

2018 was a bit brighter but still held so much fear and worry. I wasn’t sure if you would make it into my arms. 2017 had jaded me and it was hard to think positive throughout my pregnancy. It wasn’t until you were finally in my arms, screaming and crying, full of color and life, that I could take a breath of relief and move on to all the worries that followed your birth!

2019 has been one for the books! You’ve proven to be so much like your older brother, Lincoln. Aside from the fact that you are his look-a-like, you share a stubborn streak, dark eyes and mom’s heart! Unlike your brother, sleeping through the night took a bit longer to figure out, your immune system isn’t built quite as tough {I swear you pick up a new cold each time I turn around!} and you’re already so enthralled by music and books! I can’t wait to see what the next 365 days brings our family, but I am forever grateful that 1 year ago today, you made your entrance into our world and hearts forever.

3 years ago, it was your brother Isaiah’s future I was dreaming of. 2 years ago I wasn’t sure I’d ever be a mom again. 1 year ago, God blessed me with you.

As the next years and decades come and go, you will experience your own bumps and bruises in life. Someday, you will experience heart ache and you will question why God allows the bad things in life. You will get hurt and you may feel like quitting and giving up is easier, on both your heart & body. But as your mom, I know that these hard times that you will inevitably face in your future, are necessary and will build you into the man God intends you to be. My prayer for you everyday is not that you will not face struggle, but rather that you will turn the struggle into strength. That you will chase your dreams throughout the trials and that in the perfect timing of God’s will, he will reveal the reasons for the hurt, the wounds and the scars that may be left behind. He can and will replace those hard feelings with joy beyond belief.

We cannot fathom the things he has laid out before us and what we will experience, endure and evolve into from it all. But keep the faith and trust in his perfect plan.

In 1 short year, here are a few of the things you’ve already accomplished:

Several ear infections with tubes to follow at nearly 11 months old
Croup (2x) and RSV accompanied by an overnight hospital stay
Speed crawling!
8 teeth and counting
Sleeping through the night, followed by not sleeping through the night – this pattern continued far too many times! But I think we have it down now!
Being an expert eater followed by only wanting bottles or pouches – we’ll get better!
The loss of Grandma Cathy 😦
Saying “no” with all your might when you don’t want something!
Loving the water – tub, shower, hot tub, pool, heck even the dishwasher – it doesn’t matter!
Music can turn a sad Everson into a happy Everson in seconds
An infectious giggle
A temper, and persistance, just like your Dad {OK, maybe Mom too!}
Your brother’s biggest fan {and vice versa!}

Happy Birthday, Everson Dean. We love you more than words could ever say and we are so grateful for God bringing the joy only you could bring, into our lives!

A Beautiful Ending

January 27, 2019January 27, 2019Leave a comment

December 27, 2018 Everson Dean Reuer arrived in this world at 10:28 AM. His birth story is much different than I had imagined it being… 17 1/2 hours long, an epidural that wore off too soon, a 2nd epidural that was placed wrong and a 3rd that didn’t do the trick, having to manually flip his body in the birth cannel {twice….with a failing epidural….OUCH!!!} and finally his tiny body being placed on me, skin to skin, and seeing his beautiful face for the first time….worth all of the heartache, prayers and waiting!

There is nothing that compares to meeting your child for the first time. If they could capture that feeling in a drug it would be highly addictive and constantly sought after! In an instant, the tears of pure agony and pain turn to those of happiness and unconditional love and in a moment, all of it was worth it for this little life lying on top of you. It really is the most beautiful and incomparable thing.

Everson is a month old already. I could share so many details about his birth and the last 4 weeks, but the most important thing is the he and I are doing well! He’s a great eater and pooper {that’s important!} and a pretty good sleeper too for being 4 weeks old! He loves being held and having a bath. Our family is so in love with him, including his older brother! Lincoln can’t get enough of that soft baby skin and the intoxicating baby smell! In fact, he’s already asking for bunk beds for when Everson gets older…we’ll see how long that desire lasts!

The last month has been busy and at times overwhelming. We moved to a new home only 5 days after Everson was born. It has been a process getting settled in, but most of the boxes are unpacked at this point. The new house is very quickly becoming our new home and we love it!

On January 11, we celebrated Isaiah’s 2nd heavenly birthday. Instead of only sadness, I found myself feeling happy and even joy for where life has taken us. Of course I still miss our Isaiah and wish things had gone differently. But on that day, as I held Everson in my arms, I knew each of us {including Isaiah} were exactly where God always intended us to be. I looked back over the last 3+ years since starting the journey towards another child and thought of all of the highs and lows. To see where we are now, it was all absolutely worth it and I’m so grateful for God carrying us through it! Isaiah will always be a part of this family and his name and story will forever be a welcome memory and a meeting that we look forward to, in our home.

On January 12, we said goodbye one last time to my grandmother who has gone on ahead of us to heaven. Unfortunately, she wasn’t able to meet Everson in her last days but I celebrate that she’s no longer in pain or suffering. Instead of holding Everson I imagine her finally meeting Isaiah and holding him in our absence. One glorious day we will see her again and I cherish the knowledge and anticipation of that day!

Between all of the “extra” stuff in the last month, we have been getting used to being a family of 4 and adjusting to new routines. I have just over 7 more weeks of maternity leave and in that time, I plan to soak up as much of my boys as I possibly can before the distraction of work also becomes a part of our routine!

As I bring this to an end, I am left feeling so grateful, blessed, fortunate and overjoyed at where God has placed me in life at this moment. I can look back on it all and see that God truly did know what he was doing and had a plan all along. Yes, there’s a 7 year gap between my boys and many people may think that odd or sad, but now that I’m in it, I can confidently say that God knew that’s what was right for our family! One of my favorite things about having a newborn in the house again, is Lincoln. I love watching him at 7 take it all in, being a helpful big brother and seeing the love that he’s experiencing for another human other than himself! He’s been on this tumultuous journey with us all along and he’s getting to experience the dedication that’s paid off right beside us. It’s been a learning experience and faith tester not only for us, but for him as well and I believe that’s an added gift from God.

I have to say “thank-you” to you all again. Some of you have already gotten the opportunity to meet Everson and see our blessing in person. Some of you may never get that chance because you’ve been tuning in on our journey and praying for us from afar. To each of you, I’m so grateful. I know without a doubt that Everson’s story is not just comprised of us and our immediate family and friends, but of each and every one of you. It’s all of your prayers and support that helped carry us to this point. After each failed transfer, praying us through the many procedures, grieving our losses with us….you’re all a part of this beautiful ending!

I started this blog as a way to share my experience and I feel that it’s ending with so much more than I hoped it to be! I am hopeful that my story has helped anyone else struggling with infertility & loss and/or shed light to these sensitive situations to those not directly effected by them. I will continue to share my story openly and am always looking to be a cheerleader, listening ear or pray warrior for anyone else in a similar situation.

I will try to check in and update you all on our family’s events, sharing photos and life stages as we go along! But for now, Becoming Mommy, has served it’s intended purpose and I’m closing this chapter in life…at least for now!

One Last Update….Hopefully

December 11, 2018Leave a comment

I’ve officially made it to the “early term” rather than “pre term” mark in my pregnancy and I feel blessed and fortunate for it! But if I’m honest with you all, I’m also exhausted and anxious for this stage to be done!

Today I had my 37 week check up which included our final (hopefully!) scan and peak at baby boy before we meet him face to face! He was looking good and doing perfectly in there and on the move through out the whole scan! He stopped long enough for us to get a couple shots of his face, but it was difficult to get a really clear picture because he just kept moving! He was measuring at 6lbs 1oz and our doctor suspects he will be very similar in size to his big brother (Lincoln was 6 lbs 9 oz at delivery). He was doing his practice breathing which is great and had plenty of fluid still around him so overall, a very good update/scan.

We saw my doctor after the ultrasound and reviewed everything and how I’m feeling and what’s going on with my body at this point. But before I go into that, let me back up to my last visit…

I was in last week Thursday for my 36 week checkup. My doctor checked me at that point and I was at a 1.5 cm dilated and 80% effaced. We reviewed all the signs of labor and what to watch for, the false labor and what to do if I started to feel like I was going into labor or if my water broke. We left and I felt accomplished that I was at a 1.5! This by no means meant labor was right around the corner, but it was a good start for when it did happen!

Fast forward to Friday night. Around 7PM, I started having some contractions. They weren’t anything crazy, it was more pressure that I felt than pain, but they were consistent. One of the ideas that my doctor drilled in my head was that if they were intense enough that I wouldn’t be able to sleep through it and lasted 1-2 hours consistently, I should go in and get checked out. So, I waited for about 2 1/2 hours to make sure they weren’t going away and then we headed in. We had to wake Lincoln and drag him along with, but called my sister-in-law and gave her a heads up to see if she could come get him if need be.

Once I was settled into triage, the midwife on call came and checked me out and discussed my symptoms. She measured me at a “tight 3”. I was elated!!! This meant all those contractions were real and doing something and I was getting closer to having this little boy in my arms!

Now at this point I was 36 weeks 4 days along, so technically still in the “pre-term” status. The midwife wanted to give me the drug to stop any further contractions and stop any labor from progressing, but I pleaded with her, asking if that was really necessary. My doctor happened to be the doctor on call that night and at the hospital already, so she consulted with her, and my doctor gave the directive to not stop anything, but to continue to monitor me to see if any more progression. So, we waited another 2 hours. In the meantime, the midwife told us congratulations and that we should probably make arrangements for Lincoln to get picked up. All signs pointed towards we weren’t leaving without a baby in our arms! (OBVIOUS SPOILER ALERT: We did NOT leave with a baby in our arms!)

My sister-in-law arrived a little after 10 to take Lincoln. He was so excited to stay with his cousins for a few days and happily said his goodbyes. We continued to wait and I continued to have some contractions, but still nothing too intense.

2 hours later, the midwife checks me again. To my surprise, she called me less than a 3 this time 😦 She said most likely, I was having a contraction when she checked me the first time which made me feel a little bigger than I really was. She gave me some pills to help me relax and calm the uterus from anymore of those false labor contractions, and we went home around 1:00AM.

I spent the weekend cleaning like a mad woman. I got a lot of packing done (Oh yeah, I haven’t ever mentioned, we’re moving on January 3rd! Just a little something to do on my maternity break!). Saturday went on though, without much excitement from down below.

Sunday was more of the same. I was still feeling the itch to clean and pack and get organized. I guess it’s probably a combination of needing to stay busy and distracted, moving and a little thing they call nesting? I never experienced it with Lincoln so it was new to me! By night time, I was exhausted so decided to relax. Just then (about 6PM), I started having contractions again. This time, they were much more painful rather than just pressure, and I really had to breath through them. Eric had been gone to his office and when he got home, he found me mid contraction and wondering (like me) if this was going to be the real thing!? We had told ourselves we were NOT going to be those people that keep going in to triage only to be sent home, so we were NOT going to head in unless we knew it was the real deal. My contractions kept coming and didn’t lessen up in pain, so we again called my sister-in-law to see if she could meet us to get Lincoln and she happily obliged.

As we were driving to the hospital, I started to notice that things were seeming to lighten up and slow down. I was afraid this was another false alarm 😦 But we kept going because it was almost 9 and Lincoln needed to get to bed, either at our place or my brother’s, because he had school in the morning. We sent Lincoln off with my sister-in-law and then decided rather than rushing in, we would wait for a little bit in the parking lot to make sure the contractions were actually still there.

We waited and waited and waited. We waited nearly 50 minutes and in that amount of time, only a few contractions were worth noting. As we continued to debate on if we should go in or not, Eric finally said “We’re here and you were obviously having contractions, lets just get checked out”. So we did. But I knew walking in, there was very likely no chance that I was staying 😦

My sweet friend was working as the midwife on call that evening and got the pleasure of checking me. We again reviewed the weekends events and what Friday night told us. She checked me and with a bit of a hesitant look on her face, shared that I was still only at a 3. This wasn’t necessarily that surprising to me at that point, because like I said, things had slowed WAAAY down in the car, but I was still disappointed. She offered to give us an hour to see if anything picked up and monitored baby in the meantime.

After an hour, she came back, looked over my contraction count (there was very little activity going on 😦 ) and asked what I wanted to do. I didn’t see any point in getting checked again, it would only confirm what I already knew, I had not progressed and was not getting admitted. So, she made me feel better about things and gave me a script to help me relax and calm the uterus down again, and we headed home. False Labor Contractions had gotten us again.

This brings us full circle to this afternoon. I again had contractions last night but knew better than to rush into the hospital. This time I waited them out. Kayla – 1, False Contractions – 2! Besides, I knew I had my appointment today and would wait until then to hear my progress and hopefully be pleasantly surprised!!

Like I said, the scan went great, all the information was good, baby boy is healthy, safe and happy where he’s at….all good things. We reviewed with my doctor again those false labor signs and what to look for and not to feel silly for showing up twice already (even though I feel like an idiot!) and then it was time to check where I was at.

I have the type of personality that I always prepare myself for the worst. I always prepare for the worst, but still hope for the best. I guess it’s probably more pessimistic, but I’m optimistic still in that I do have hope for better always 🙂 In today’s case, the worst I thought I could hear was a 3 again and that no progress would have been made from Sunday evening. And if I heard more than a 3, then I was going to be ecstatic!

Today I measured at a “tight 2”. Not just a 2, but a “tight” 2. By my doctors standards, I really had not made much progress since last week Thursday. She tried to comfort me and offer assurances that everyone’s measurements are a little different and finger sizes play a role and not to let that get me down. This baby is healthy and will come when he’s ready! At that moment though, I didn’t want to hear her positivity, I just wanted to get out of there and sulk miserably about my condition.

I left feeling defeated and upset. Now I know that truly I’m not different physically than I was before. I was likely this same size when I was in those other nights and the fact is, just nothing has progressed. But mentally, hearing I went from a 3 back to a “tight” 2, that’s what defeated me. It left me feeling demoralized and hopeless. Keep in mind I am 8 1/2 months pregnant, hormonal, moody and physically exhausted. I just wanted to sit in this self pity for awhile and not hear anyone’s positive outlooks on it, so I refrained from calling or texting anyone for a couple of hours.

Now before you go judging me and telling me I’m only 37 weeks and really the baby isn’t supposed to come until 40 weeks, I already know those things and don’t need to be reminded. I also don’t need to be reminded of how much I begged for this pregnancy and to be in this very circumstance. I am aware of how blessed and fortunate I am to be here. I do not tell you all these things to make you feel bad for me or to complain, I’m simply sharing my experience and also letting any of those other waiting-to-be-momma’s know that even though you may struggle for years with infertility and you’re used to it and think you’ll NEVER complain in your pregnancy, it doesn’t make this waiting part any easier!

In fact, in my case, I feel like my patience are thinner than “normal” because I have waited for 3 years to have another child in my arms and I am so close at this point! I long for the moment I will first lay eyes on my 3rd son, that I will feel their skin on my skin and that I can hold his precious living and breathing body. I may sound crazy, but I’m so excited to change that first diaper (OK, maybe not the first one) and put those teeny tiny socks on his feet! I just want to feel that rush of love for another human, the love that is unexplainable until you experience it yourself, and never let go of him! (We’ll see how I feel on night 4 at home with little to no sleep in my system….I know that’s coming for me too!!!)

I know I’ve gotten winded here and I’m sorry for that. To try to wrap this up, I know that labor and delivery really is just around the corner for me. I know that if all else fails, I’ll be induced in 2 weeks and that I really can (and will have to) make it those 2 weeks. Above all else, I know that I am so incredibly blessed to be here complaining about this of all things, when it could be so.much.worse. I love this child so much already and am going to choose to look at these last couple of days or weeks as one of the many acts of sacrifice that I will do as a mom for him!

So, with all that said, I hope you won’t judge me too harshly for my petty self pity but instead will pray for my strength and endurance in this last bit of time!

Grateful Hearts

November 23, 2018Leave a comment

Thanksgiving has come and gone already and Christmas is right around the corner! I love this time of year and all the good food, cheerful hearts and time with family. We have so much to be thankful for this year in the Reuer household and I find myself less involved in the materialism of the season and more filled by the family and friends around me that matter most in my life, including the little boy still growing inside of me!

Two years ago on Thanksgiving, I very vividly still remember sitting on the bed at my parents house, just about ready to head to church, and posting an U/S scan photo of our precious Isaiah to Facebook, followed by a remark of my thankfulness of the healthy baby, only 9 weeks along at the time. I still remember the feelings of joy and excitement to meet that precious little one and how grateful I was to be holding him in my womb.

At Christmas that year, we received his 1st Christmas ornament from my mom, as a gift. It was a baby angel to hang on the tree, something Isaiah could always have and remember his grandma by and his first Christmas spent with our family, even if still as a physical part of me! A few weeks later, I looked back at that gift as a glimpse of our future, our angel Isaiah who will always spend Christmas with us in our hearts and thoughts.

This holiday season, as we hustle and bustle about, Isaiah is not far from my mind. I constantly wonder what our lives would be like with him here on Earth with us, living and breathing, laughing and smiling with us? Would he look like his older brother? Would he have been a terrible sleeper? What would his personality be?

But I can honestly smile, knowing that where he is now, is exactly where God meant for him to be, and where we are now, with another precious boy on the way, is exactly where God meant for us to be too. I will always miss him and our 3rd son will never take his place, but my heart is so grateful and full knowing and experiencing that God provides peace, healing and continued blessings throughout the good and bad times.

It’s been quite some time since I’ve posted anything on my current pregnancy and I get questions all the time from people I don’t see often on how it’s going! I’m sorry for my absence, life has been busy and crazy and I’ve been exhausted, especially as of late! But with that said, baby boy and I are doing really good! I am getting bigger everyday I swear and I feel like a swollen elephant at times, but all that matters is he is healthy and growing and so far, so good!

I had my last ultrasound to monitor growth, about 2 weeks ago now. He was looking great, his heart pumping away and he was even breathing on his own in there! They said this is a great sign of baby being able to handle the stress of delivery and gave me a lot of peace of mind in everything. Even with his 2 vessel cord, he is thriving in there and right around the 50th percentile for growth, perfect!

The ultrasounds they can do now, are just incredible! We could see some similarities to his older brother and some differences! In some of the shots we could even see what looks like a decent amount of hair on the back of his head! I’m so excited to meet him, hold him, kiss him and love on this little for a lifetime to come!

On Monday I will be 35 weeks and will start the weekly OB visits! My body is constantly aching and I’m so tired, even when I get a good nights rest, but that’s probably just my body and God preparing me for the months to come! We are certain that this little guy will be here before year end, but not exactly sure when he’ll make his debut. I was 2 1/2 weeks early with Lincoln, so I’d be great with that happening again, but if not, my doc will induce me around 39 weeks. More to come as the weeks go by!

Our Developing Rainbow

August 25, 2018Leave a comment

August 22nd is National Rainbow Baby Day in the USA. The concept of a “Rainbow Baby” seems to have exploded in the last several years. Women are becoming more comfortable opening up and talking about their losses, but with the arrival of a new life, there can be guilt felt in that joy. A “Rainbow Baby” is a beautiful way of acknowledging both the storm and then the beauty that follows and remembering God’s promises to us always.

This week has been a busy one. Lincoln went back to school and started 1st grade {I know, how is that possible!??!!} And we also got to see a glimpse {well, really, lots of glimpses} of Baby at our 21 week U/S 🙂

We received overall, a really good report of how Baby is doing! We confirmed he is CERTAINLY a boy, there was no denying it!

We also saw him moving and flipping around, so much so that we didn’t get to see his cute little face too much. It proved to me what I already knew to be true….this is one active baby! I am constantly feeling him kick and do summersaults inside my growing womb! Hopefully he’ll settle down a little as he gets more cramped in his quarters!

After 20 minutes or so of watching Baby and getting snap shot after snap shot, the tech brought the doctor in who reviewed everything that they saw. There were 2 somewhat unusual things that they noticed on him that we needed to be made aware of. 1) He has a small dark spot on his heart that can be a soft marker for Downs. Generally it is seen in combination with other indicators of Downs, but here they are only seeing this dark spot. Immediately I breathed some relief that it wasn’t more serious. If we have a child with Downs, we will love him unconditionally, just like his brother. And also, Lincoln had this same dark spot on his heart and it turned out to be nothing, so this really was not anything alarming to us.

2) He has a two vessel umbilical cord instead of a three vessel umbilical cord like most babies. What this means is he has 1 vein and 1 artery coming from his umbilical cord to me to carry the nutrients to him and the waste away. Most babies will have 1 vein and 2 arteries. Apparently this happens in about 1% of pregnancies and is unknown why it happens but is also more common in IVF pregnancies than the old fashioned kind. This again can be an indicator of something more serious, but everything else on him, including all his organs, looked great. The doctor was not too alarmed but advised we would have to monitor his growth closely due to this {and the fact that we are IVF} to ensure he is keeping up with growth and ridding of the waste. He was measuring right at 15oz, exactly where he should be!

Sunday and Monday leading to the appointment on Tuesday, I was all sorts of nerves. My mind raced with all the possibilities of things gone wrong that we could find. Even though I’m feeling Baby move around constantly, I still have fear of ‘what if his heart stops’. With Lincoln, I never dreamed or worried of loosing him during pregnancy, I was too consumed by the fact that I was even pregnant there was no room doubt. But now I’ve been stripped of the naivety to think things can’t and don’t go wrong from time to time. Now instead of only excitement leading into a doctor visit, it’s accompanied by anxiety and fear. This is the price of loss and having a Rainbow Baby.

I felt so much relief leaving the doctors office that day, but the cloud of doubt is never far from my mind. Each time I feel him move, I cherish that little kick. I also think of Isaiah and wonder how big his kicks would have been. As I mentioned before, there is guilt felt with the joy of this Baby. Guilt of loosing Isaiah and feeling like I’ve “moved on” or that we are “replacing” him. But I know that’s not the case. God had a purpose for his little life and he’s changed me from his short presence. But now, God has made room in our hearts and lives for this little one and we are excited {and terrified} to see how the next 19 weeks go!

We can’t wait to hold our little Rainbow 🙂