I’ve officially made it to the “early term” rather than “pre term” mark in my pregnancy and I feel blessed and fortunate for it!  But if I’m honest with you all, I’m also exhausted and anxious for this stage to be done!

Today I had my 37 week check up which included our final (hopefully!) scan and peak at baby boy before we meet him face to face! He was looking good and doing perfectly in there and on the move through out the whole scan!  He stopped long enough for us to get a couple shots of his face, but it was difficult to get a really clear picture because he just kept moving!  He was measuring at 6lbs 1oz and our doctor suspects he will be very similar in size to his big brother (Lincoln was 6 lbs 9 oz at delivery).  He was doing his practice breathing which is great and had plenty of fluid still around him so overall, a very good update/scan.

We saw my doctor after the ultrasound and reviewed everything and how I’m feeling and what’s going on with my body at this point.  But before I go into that, let me back up to my last visit…

I was in last week Thursday for my 36 week checkup.  My doctor checked me at that point and I was at a 1.5 cm dilated and 80% effaced.  We reviewed all the signs of labor and what to watch for, the false labor and what to do if I started to feel like I was going into labor or if my water broke.  We left and I felt accomplished that I was at a 1.5!  This by no means meant labor was right around the corner, but it was a good start for when it did happen!

Fast forward to Friday night.  Around 7PM, I started having some contractions.  They weren’t anything crazy, it was more pressure that I felt than pain, but they were consistent.  One of the ideas that my doctor drilled in my head was that if they were intense enough that I wouldn’t be able to sleep through it and lasted 1-2 hours consistently, I should go in and get checked out.  So, I waited for about 2 1/2 hours to make sure they weren’t going away and then we headed in.  We had to wake Lincoln and drag him along with, but called my sister-in-law and gave her a heads up to see if she could come get him if need be.

Once I was settled into triage, the midwife on call came and checked me out and discussed my symptoms.  She measured me at a “tight 3”.  I was elated!!!  This meant all those contractions were real and doing something and I was getting closer to having this little boy in my arms!

Now at this point I was 36 weeks 4 days along, so technically still in the “pre-term” status.  The midwife wanted to give me the drug to stop any further contractions and stop any labor from progressing, but I pleaded with her, asking if that was really necessary.  My doctor happened to be the doctor on call that night and at the hospital already, so she consulted with her, and my doctor gave the directive to not stop anything, but to continue to monitor me to see if any more progression.  So, we waited another 2 hours.  In the meantime, the midwife told us congratulations and that we should probably make arrangements for Lincoln to get picked up.  All signs pointed towards we weren’t leaving without a baby in our arms!  (OBVIOUS SPOILER ALERT: We did NOT leave with a baby in our arms!)

My sister-in-law arrived a little after 10 to take Lincoln.  He was so excited to stay with his cousins for a few days and happily said his goodbyes.  We continued to wait and I continued to have some contractions, but still nothing too intense.

2 hours later, the midwife checks me again.  To my surprise, she called me less than a 3 this time 😦  She said most likely, I was having a contraction when she checked me the first time which made me feel a little bigger than I really was.  She gave me some pills to help me relax and calm the uterus from anymore of those false labor contractions, and we went home around 1:00AM.

I spent the weekend cleaning like a mad woman.  I got a lot of packing done (Oh yeah, I haven’t ever mentioned, we’re moving on January 3rd! Just a little something to do on my maternity break!). Saturday went on though, without much excitement from down below.

Sunday was more of the same.  I was still feeling the itch to clean and pack and get organized.  I guess it’s probably a combination of needing to stay busy and distracted, moving and a little thing they call nesting?  I never experienced it with Lincoln so it was new to me!  By night time, I was exhausted so decided to relax.  Just then (about 6PM), I started having contractions again.  This time, they were much more painful rather than just pressure, and I really had to breath through them.  Eric had been gone to his office and when he got home, he found me mid contraction and wondering (like me) if this was going to be the real thing!?  We had told ourselves we were NOT going to be those people that keep going in to triage only to be sent home, so we were NOT going to head in unless we knew it was the real deal.  My contractions kept coming and didn’t lessen up in pain, so we again called my sister-in-law to see if she could meet us to get Lincoln and she happily obliged.

As we were driving to the hospital, I started to notice that things were seeming to lighten up and slow down.  I was afraid this was another false alarm 😦  But we kept going because it was almost 9 and Lincoln needed to get to bed, either at our place or my brother’s, because he had school in the morning.  We sent Lincoln off with my sister-in-law and then decided rather than rushing in, we would wait for a little bit in the parking lot to make sure the contractions were actually still there.

We waited and waited and waited.  We waited nearly 50 minutes and in that amount of time, only a few contractions were worth noting.  As we continued to debate on if we should go in or not, Eric finally said “We’re here and you were obviously having contractions, lets just get checked out”. So we did.  But I knew walking in, there was very likely no chance that I was staying 😦

My sweet friend was working as the midwife on call that evening and got the pleasure of checking me.  We again reviewed the weekends events and what Friday night told us.  She checked me and with a bit of a hesitant look on her face, shared that I was still only at a 3.  This wasn’t necessarily that surprising to me at that point, because like I said, things had slowed WAAAY down in the car, but I was still disappointed.  She offered to give us an hour to see if anything picked up and monitored baby in the meantime.

After an hour, she came back, looked over my contraction count (there was very little activity going on 😦 ) and asked what I wanted to do.  I didn’t see any point in getting checked again, it would only confirm what I already knew, I had not progressed and was not getting admitted.  So, she made me feel better about things and gave me a script to help me relax and calm the uterus down again, and we headed home.  False Labor Contractions had gotten us again.

This brings us full circle to this afternoon.  I again had contractions last night but knew better than to rush into the hospital. This time I waited them out.  Kayla – 1, False Contractions – 2! Besides, I knew I had my appointment today and would wait until then to hear my progress and hopefully be pleasantly surprised!!

Like I said, the scan went great, all the information was good, baby boy is healthy, safe and happy where he’s at….all good things.  We reviewed with my doctor again those false labor signs and what to look for and not to feel silly for showing up twice already (even though I feel like an idiot!) and then it was time to check where I was at.

I have the type of personality that I always prepare myself for the worst.  I always prepare for the worst, but still hope for the best.  I guess it’s probably more pessimistic, but I’m optimistic still in that I do have hope for better always 🙂 In today’s case, the worst I thought I could hear was a 3 again and that no progress would have been made from Sunday evening.  And if I heard more than a 3, then I was going to be ecstatic!

Today I measured at a “tight 2”.  Not just a 2, but a “tight” 2.  By my doctors standards, I  really had not made much progress since last week Thursday.  She tried to comfort me and offer assurances that everyone’s measurements are a little different and finger sizes play a role and not to let that get me down. This baby is healthy and will come when he’s ready!  At that moment though, I didn’t want to hear her positivity, I just wanted to get out of there and sulk miserably about my condition.

I left feeling defeated and upset.  Now I know that truly I’m not different physically than I was before.  I was likely this same size when I was in those other nights and the fact is, just nothing has progressed.  But mentally, hearing I went from a 3 back to a “tight” 2, that’s what defeated me.  It left me feeling demoralized and hopeless.  Keep in mind I am 8 1/2 months pregnant, hormonal, moody and physically exhausted.  I just wanted to sit in this self pity for awhile and not hear anyone’s positive outlooks on it, so I refrained from calling or texting anyone for a couple of hours.

Now before you go judging me and telling me I’m only 37 weeks and really the baby isn’t supposed to come until 40 weeks, I already know those things and don’t need to be reminded.  I also don’t need to be reminded of how much I begged for this pregnancy and to be in this very circumstance.  I am aware of how blessed and fortunate I am to be here.  I do not tell you all these things to make you feel bad for me or to complain, I’m simply sharing my experience and also letting any of those other waiting-to-be-momma’s know that even though you may struggle for years with infertility and you’re used to it and think you’ll NEVER complain in your pregnancy, it doesn’t make this waiting part any easier!

In fact, in my case, I feel like my patience are thinner than “normal” because I have waited for 3 years to have another child in my arms and I am so close at this point!  I long for the moment I will first lay eyes on my 3rd son, that I will feel their skin on my skin and that I can hold his precious living and breathing body.  I may sound crazy, but I’m so excited to change that first diaper (OK, maybe not the first one) and put those teeny tiny socks on his feet! I just want to feel that rush of love for another human, the love that is unexplainable until you experience it yourself, and never let go of him! (We’ll see how I feel on night 4 at home with little to no sleep in my system….I know that’s coming for me too!!!)

I know I’ve gotten winded here and I’m sorry for that.  To try to wrap this up, I know that labor and delivery really is just around the corner for me.  I know that if all else fails, I’ll be induced in 2 weeks and that I really can (and will have to) make it those 2 weeks.  Above all else, I know that I am so incredibly blessed to be here complaining about this of all things, when it could be so.much.worse.  I love this child so much already and am going to choose to look at these last couple of days or weeks as one of the many acts of sacrifice that I will do as a mom for him!

So, with all that said, I hope you won’t judge me too harshly for my petty self pity but instead will pray for my strength and endurance in this last bit of time!