August 22nd is National Rainbow Baby Day in the USA.  The concept of a “Rainbow Baby” seems to have exploded in the last several years.  Women are becoming more comfortable opening up and talking about their losses, but with the arrival of a new life, there can be guilt felt in that joy.  A “Rainbow Baby” is a beautiful way of acknowledging both the storm and then the beauty that follows and remembering God’s promises to us always.

This week has been a busy one.  Lincoln went back to school and started 1st grade {I know, how is that possible!??!!}  And we also got to see a glimpse {well, really, lots of glimpses} of Baby at our 21 week U/S 🙂

We received overall, a really good report of how Baby is doing!  We confirmed he is CERTAINLY a boy, there was no denying it!

We also saw him moving and flipping around, so much so that we didn’t get to see his cute little face too much. It proved to me what I already knew to be true….this is one active baby! I am constantly feeling him kick and do summersaults inside my growing womb!  Hopefully he’ll settle down a little as he gets more cramped in his quarters!

After 20 minutes or so of watching Baby and getting snap shot after snap shot, the tech brought the doctor in who reviewed everything that they saw.  There were 2 somewhat unusual things that they noticed on him that we needed to be made aware of.  1) He has a small dark spot on his heart that can be a soft marker for Downs.  Generally it is seen in combination with other indicators of Downs, but here they are only seeing this dark spot.  Immediately I breathed some relief that it wasn’t more serious.  If we have a child with Downs, we will love him unconditionally, just like his brother.  And also, Lincoln had this same dark spot on his heart and it turned out to be nothing, so this really was not anything alarming to us.

2) He has a two vessel umbilical cord instead of a three vessel umbilical cord like most babies.  What this means is he has 1 vein and 1 artery coming from his umbilical cord to me to carry the nutrients to him and the waste away.  Most babies will have 1 vein and 2 arteries.  Apparently this happens in about 1% of pregnancies and is unknown why it happens but is also more common in IVF pregnancies than the old fashioned kind.  This again can be an indicator of something more serious, but everything else on him, including all his organs, looked great.  The doctor was not too alarmed but advised we would have to monitor his growth closely due to this {and the fact that we are IVF} to ensure he is keeping up with growth and ridding of the waste.  He was measuring right at 15oz, exactly where he should be!

Sunday and Monday leading to the appointment on Tuesday, I was all sorts of nerves.  My mind raced with all the possibilities of things gone wrong that we could find.  Even though I’m feeling Baby move around constantly, I still have fear of ‘what if his heart stops’.  With Lincoln, I never dreamed or worried of loosing him during pregnancy, I was too consumed by the fact that I was even pregnant there was no room doubt.  But now I’ve been stripped of the naivety to think things can’t and don’t go wrong from time to time.  Now instead of only excitement leading into a doctor visit, it’s accompanied by anxiety and fear.  This is the price of loss and having a Rainbow Baby.

I felt so much relief leaving the doctors office that day, but the cloud of doubt is never far from my mind.  Each time I feel him move, I cherish that little kick.  I also think of Isaiah and wonder how big his kicks would have been.  As I mentioned before, there is guilt felt with the joy of this Baby.  Guilt of loosing Isaiah and feeling like I’ve “moved on” or that we are “replacing” him. But I know that’s not the case.  God had a purpose for his little life and he’s changed me from his short presence.  But now, God has made room in our hearts and lives for this little one and we are excited {and terrified} to see how the next 19 weeks go!

We can’t wait to hold our little Rainbow 🙂