It’s been several weeks since I shared our exciting news.  Honestly, I haven’t been able to sit down and write an update to our story because I have daily fear that if I do, some how, that that will be the beginning of the end….again.  I’m terrified of writing “that update”.

Today marks 12 weeks.  I’m nearly to the end of my first trimester.  I’ve had bi-weekly appointments since we found out we’re expecting and each appointment has started with fear & anxiety and ended in deep breathes & signs of relief.  So far, so good.

I haven’t shared yet how and when I learned that I was finally with child. To give you the shortened version, I found out only 4 days after my transfer!  For those of you not familiar with all the timing in IVF, this is crazy early!!!  I knew I was pregnant at only 2 1/2 weeks along….this is a good 2-4 weeks before most realize they’ve even missed their period.  With the discovery so early on, Eric and I began to brace ourselves for the news of twins.

I went in for my formal blood work about a week after I learned of the news!  I tested with the pee stick daily (may twice daily most days!).  My HCG came back at 204.3!  This not only confirmed the pregnancy but relieved so much anxiety.  This number was 4 times higher than the first number I received with Isaiah.   I went back in, just 2 days later and it over doubled to 504.7!  Things were off to a great start, but no way to tell if this meant one or two babies.

At my 6 week appointment I remember feeling excitement and nerves as that day approached.  My mom joined us for the appointment and we all got the first glimpses of the miracle going on in my body.  We confirmed just 1 healthy heartbeat!  My RE doctor was so very excited for us, it finally worked!  I don’t even remember everything we discussed, but I was on Cloud 9 and honestly felt relief that there was just 1 heartbeat and only 1 baby to worry about.  Twins would surely have been a blessing and we would have had all of the love in the world for both of those babies, but with 2 babies comes so many more complications, pre & post natal.

At my 8 week appointment, I was a wreck.  I had already been feeling nauseous and tired and I knew these were good signs, but I couldn’t shake the paralyzing fear that the heartbeat may not be there anymore.  That morning, I learned of another’s loss at 17 weeks pregnant.  I bawled for her and her family.  I bawled for her little boy gone too soon.  I sobbed for my Isaiah and our loss and I sobbed for fear of facing this possible outcome again.  I was able to pull myself together enough to go to my appointment, but as I lay on the table waiting for the ultrasound tech to start, I again began to panic.  I held my breath, praying silently that everything would check out.  And then I saw it, I saw the heartbeat and I instantly broke down, unable to hold in my anxiety any longer.  The ultrasound tech could tell I was on edge and she took extra time for us to look in awe at our precious child.  She measured the heartbeat, strong at 176.  I then asked if we could hear it, I needed to hear it that day.  She said they don’t normally listen for it this early because it exposes the baby to more than necessary, but she was willing if we were wanting that.

Any parent knows that sounds of your unborn baby’s heartbeat is one of the sweetest sounds that has ever graced this earth!  Tears streamed down the sides of my face as I lay there, breathing in and out, waves of emotions and angst leaving my body.  Everything was going to be ok, today.

We then met with the PA to review the scan and talk about the next appointment.  As she sat down, she prefaced the entire conversation with “This is somewhat uncommon, but I have to share it with you because we see it’s there.   Just know that 99% of the time, it’s nothing.  I hate that I even have to share it with you…” and proceeded to inform us that there was a cyst on our baby’s umbilical cord.  99% of the time, this is nothing when spotted this early on, but in that rare 1%, it can mean chromosomal abnormalities that can be fatal to the pregnancy.  I immediately filled back up with fear and worry that something was wrong and I was doomed to experience loss again.  She did everything she could to say the right things and told me that most likely, this would be gone at our next scan.  We could do additional genetic testing if we wanted and we left with some things to think about and pray on.

I spent 2 weeks praying and pleading to God that this cyst would be gone at the next scan.

At 10 weeks, I again sat in the waiting room, as nervous as the last time.  I took consolation in all of pregnancy symptoms I had been feeling, but I still worried for my baby’s health.  As I laid on the table again, waiting to see our little one, the tech this time did all the measuring and not as fun stuff to start off with.  I couldn’t see my baby and I couldn’t see their heartbeat.  After a couple of minutes (that felt like an eternity) she finally directed the waves towards baby.  As she measured the size, I frantically looked for the heartbeat.  Because of my many scans, I’m pretty good at seeing what it is we’re looking at on the screen.  I can point out the lining, ovaries & follicles pretty easily. Not that this a very useful ability, but I’m pretty good at seeing the baby and their makeup as well!  But this time, I was struggling to see that flickering heart.

And then I saw it.  And just as I saw it, Eric spoke up that he wasn’t seeing it and needed confirmation from the tech that the heart was indeed beating.  He had apparently been having a silent freak out inside, just like me!  The tech quickly assured us both that the heart was indeed beating and was strong, 176 again!  She also confirmed that the cyst appeared to no longer be there and all was good!

I visited with the same PA again and reviewed the final first trimester directions.  I was “graduating” from the RE program at that visit.  I would do all of my follow ups with my regular OBGYN from there on out.  My RE was not around to say our “thank-you’s” and “goodbye’s” but hugs were shared with the PA and one of my favorite nurses who happened to be there.  I shed a few tears as I left the clinic. These amazing doctors, nurses, techs and even the receptionist have become like a 2nd family to me!  (Granted, I don’t want to have to use their services ever again!!!)

Today, my 12 week appointment.  Eric and I got to the clinic a little early.  As we walked into the hospital, Eric immediately headed to our RE clinic doors on the first floor.  I walked to the elevators and hit the arrow indicating “up”.  He smiled and said “Oh yeah, we get to go this way today!”  It’s been so long since we could use the envied elevators 🙂

We sat in the waiting room, doing just that.  I whispered to Eric “Are you nervous?”  It was hard to know how we would feel sitting in that waiting room again.  Just as he began to answer, we were called back.  We met with the nurse and someone else about any insurance questions we may have and then eventually back to the patient room to wait for my doctor.  When she came in, she immediately congratulated us on being here again and expressed her genuine happiness to have us back to this point.  We reviewed my medical history since the miscarriage.  The many surgeries, all the failed transfers and where we were at now mentally and emotionally.    She sweetly apologized for everything we’ve been through and for all it’s taken for us to get back to this point again.  She did her best to say consoling things, bringing value and importance to Isaiah, and hope for a healthy pregnancy this go around.  She was quick to tell us our chance of miscarriage at this point is less than 1%, but she understood that until I’m holding that baby in my arms, I won’t feel comfortable with that 1%.

She got out her hand held ultrasound device early in the appointment and we watched our blessing wiggling, kicking and moving around like crazy!  We saw the flickering heart instantly and the relief I felt again was overwhelming. We took extra time just watching and smiling quietly at the 2nd life moving inside of me. I can’t yet feel him or her, but the comfort in seeing their activity is more than I can describe.

So that’s where we’re at and how we’ve gotten here!  I feel great about a good check up today, but know that as the days go by before the next appointment, the anxiety will begin to build.  I pray daily that this pregnancy will be different, that God won’t allow another life to be lost and for our family to have to go through that again.  I know that God gives us strength for every challenge we may face in life, but I continue to pray He won’t face us with that again.  I can’t say with certainty, that I would come out looking the same as I did the last time.  I will just continue to lean into the hope that God has good in store for us and trust that His plan for our future holds so many blessings.