It’s been awhile {OK a long while} since I’ve posted anything.  I haven’t felt the need for “word therapy” in awhile and found myself just saying ‘I’m good right now’.  But each day I remember our loss, our hurt, our situation.  I still don’t feel “whole” without Isaiah here and I know I never will.  And with each passing day of being “good”, I’ve discovered there’s still a lot of fear, anxiety and anger mixed in with all that “good”.

I haven’t been able to give up the dream of becoming a mommy again.  I still desire that little babe, that sibling for Lincoln, for our family here on Earth to grow.  I continue to see pregnancy announcements and meet new bundles of blessing for other families.  I feel tremendous joy for their miracle but if I’m honest, jealousy & resentment for my situation.  I really believed by now God would have answered our prayers and desires, but He hasn’t….at least not how I thought He would have.

In the last couple of months, we have been back to our RE and made plans of moving forward.  It’s been nearly 5 months now since we found out our last cycle of IVF failed.  You may recall, we were left with no more embryos and no answers of ‘why’ all the failure.  We spoke at great length about what other steps we could take, what haven’t we tried?  IVF is kind of the end of the road as far as the fertility journey goes, it’s the last resort and gives the best odds of success.  What could we possibly do different?

My doctor questioned a few different things.  Possibly blocked tubes {which had previously been ruled out before we ever started this journey but apparently can still happen at any time}, possibly endometriosis {which I thought had been ruled out…but apparently not}, possibly both.  Maybe poor egg quality which would lead to poor embryo quality.  Maybe I would need an egg donor?  Maybe I need a surrogate to carry for me?  Perhaps we need to genetically test the embryos before going through the transfer process.  Still so many unknowns, still so many decisions to make but still no guarantee of any success.  There is never any guarantee of success in this journey.

Eric and I have spent a lot of time in discussion regarding all of the above.  Did we want to keep going forward knowing our current rate of success? Some of the options we were open to, others we needed to think on more and still others we just knew we weren’t open to {or could afford!}.

About a month ago now, I had surgery to determine if I had endometriosis or not.  This is an exploratory surgery and the only way to definitively diagnose it, is to undergo the  surgery.  While she was in there she also planned to check my tubes.  If either or both of them were blocked at all, she would need to remove them as the blockage causes leakage back into the uterus.  The leakage is then poisonous to any embryo we would put back and then literally kills any chance at getting pregnant.  Additionally, she would do another biopsy of the uterine wall to ensure no infections or anything else could be going on.

I’m not one to get nervous about surgery.  I was anxious, but in a good way.  I finally felt like maybe there was something we had missed all along and there was still a chance that they find something and cure me of my infertility!  I couldn’t wait to go under the knife and find some answers!

Surgery went well {recovery was miserable} and we got the results we had hoped for.  They found grade 1 endometriosis {which is the lowest grade} and she was able to remove it all.  My tubes were perfectly fine {no removal….YES!!!} and the biopsy came back normal.  When we reviewed all of the results and photos with her a couples weeks post surgery, she shared with us that my uterus had never looked so good!  It’s a weird compliment, yes, but it was amazing news!  She said had she not known all of my history, she would never have guessed everything my woman parts have been through; all the surgeries, procedures and 2 D&C’s.  She felt great about the findings and the clean up work and about moving forward.

So now we find ourselves here again, in the beginning stages of IVF.  I didn’t think I’d ever let myself be back here.   After my last retrieval process, I got so physically ill and was in so much pain that I swore to Eric I would never put myself through it again.  But, just like any mom who says that after pushing a human out of her body, I find myself willing to do whatever it takes at a chance for another precious life.  The reward is worth the risk and I’m excited, eager and even hopeful.  I feel good about the endometriosis being removed and that maybe that will be the game changer?!

At the same time, I feel so very nervous and anxious.  What if we go through all of this again and it still doesn’t work?  This is probably the last retrieval process I can go through both emotionally and financially.  I don’t look forward to all of the shots, leg spreading and weight gain that I know my future holds.

I also have fear of it working.  What if we do succeed in our efforts?  Then I {God willing} will have 40 weeks to live in constant fear & anxiety of losing that miracle and going through the worst time of my life all over again.  I know that every check up will bring with it painful memories and worry.

With all that said, I know I will only regret not pushing forward and past the doubt and anxiety.  I choose to trust that God has a purpose for my desire still stirring and growing. I am deciding to push past the deep rooted fears and find hope where I can.  I know that God is still working out something in me and is bigger than the mess of emotions going on in my head right now!  I know that even if failure is on the horizon for us, I learn and grow in my brokenness and that He will also get me through whatever lies ahead.

So here I am again, asking for your prayers.  I wasn’t sure that I was going to share our journey this time around.  It takes a lot to open up my heart and journey with so many. Vulnerability is not a strong suit of mine! The devil has used all my failures to put thoughts of embarrassment and lack of ability in my head.  But instead of allowing him that victory, I’m choosing to have no shame over what I cannot control.  Instead, I’m asking for my praying friends & family to come along side us again and pray for our miracle to happen in 2018.