I’ve intentionally been MIA for several weeks now.  Life has been busy and honestly, life has been disappointing as of late. Since my last post, we’ve gone through 2 more transfers with 2 more negative results.  We are left frustrated with feelings of hurt, disappointment and waves of anger at times.

I will never know why we’ve gone through everything we’ve been through in the last 2+ years.  13 beautiful embryos with 8 total transfer procedures, countless shots and blood draws, several ultrasounds and surgeries and our marvelous angel, Isaiah.

We will never understand why he couldn’t join us in this world, why he was able to hold on for 16 weeks only to be taken from our earthly world too soon.  We can’t understand why the remaining embryos that we tried after him, did not attach.  Is it something with me?  My diet? Stress? Activity level? Or is this just the road that God intended for us?

It seems cruel to come this far in my journey to becoming mommy again, and to be left facing the reality that it likely will not happen for us.  However, I continue to try to look on the positive side.  I cannot control what I cannot control.  But through the hurt, through all of the pain, I have met some incredible people and I know my story has touched and helped others.  It has brought awareness to the real struggle of infertility and my hope is that others who are fortunate enough to have not faced this struggle personally, can appreciate, understand and be more sensitive to those who are or may be struggling with it.  That is the purpose I choose to see in this painful journey, and to me that’s worth it.

As much as it has hurt, I would not go back and change the last 2 years.  The challenges and hardship we have faced, has made me stronger, more empathetic and a better mother to my sweet Lincoln.  I am grateful for the short amount of time I carried Isaiah, my delivery and the chance to hold his precious body.  Each day I dream of our reunion in Heaven for eternity.  I know he is surrounded in love and laughter and joy, he faces no hurt, no judgement, no sin….what mother wouldn’t want that for her child?!

I need to thank each of you for your constant thoughts, prayers and positive encouragement to us through this tumultuous journey.  Without your support and God’s grace, we couldn’t be at the place we are today.  I won’t lie to you, it’s still tough accepting that we were not successful in all of our attempts, but I know in my heart that God has more in store.  He is not finished with us yet and we pray He will continue to work in our lives and use our hardships and our joys, for His larger purposes.