Since my last update a lot has changed.  It’s been about a month now since my last transfer procedure was cancelled due to an underdeveloped uterine lining.  Since then, I’ve had another cycle cancelled and the experts and myself are at a loss as to why.  Why did my body decide to start throwing this curve ball now?  Why am I not responding to the medications like I have in the passed?  Why can’t I just get pregnant already??

Since then my mind has been all over the place.  One hour I would feel like I wanted to move forward at all costs, the next I was deciding that maybe being a 3 person family was best.  I was on one end of the spectrum to the other and every where in between and all in the same hour sometimes!  I found myself confused and unsure on how I wanted to proceed, how I wanted to control the situation.

Over the last two years, my prayers have also been changing.  When we started this journey, my prayers were simple and consisted of “please bless and grow our family, please give us this desire”.  Then, even before the positive pregnancy test with Isaiah, my prayers changed to “please bless and grow our family, but if that’s not your will, please help me to accept that”.  After our loss, they changed again to “give us a baby to replace the one you took and heal this wound”.  In the last few weeks, my prayers have changed again.  I feel more mature {even though I certainly don’t always act like it} and I find myself coming to peace with the realization that God doesn’t make mistakes.  My prayers are now simple again, asking “your will be done in my life”.

So here we are now, at a stand still.  2 years later, no baby and no idea what our future holds.  For now, we’re taking some time off.  We still have 3 frozen embryos to use and most likely, we’ll use them…..eventually.  I’m trying not to be so scheduled, not to make a timeline, not to give myself the illusion that I’m in control of this because as much as I want to be and think I can be, I know that I’m not.

I’m still saddened when I think back over the pain we’ve gone through with all of this, but I’m grateful to be where I am now.  I know that even if our future does not include another little one, we still have a future.  Life will continue and we will continue to make the most of the life he’s given us.