I saw this phrase today on a billboard on my way to work and it felt so incredibly fitting. I feel like my current storm continues to grow darker and darker, with what feels like no end in sight.  Reading the phrase today put a smile on my face and was the reminder that I needed that something beautiful will come of all of this.

We had another set back last week, our storm grew darker still.

On Friday I had another appointment for an ultrasound and labs in preparation for the scheduled FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) we had scheduled for this coming Friday.  Unfortunately, they discovered that my lining had thickened up nicely, however there appeared to be cysts within the lining itself and I received the devastating news that our transfer had to be cancelled.

I discussed with the PA the possibility of pushing it back a week, tweaking my meds to see if the lining would shape up, if there was anything we could do to salvage this last 5 weeks of preparation.  The answer was no.  She informed me that in these situations they typically find that the problem only grows worse and so the only option is to shed the lining and grow a new one.

In all 7 transfers I’ve had leading up to this one, this has never happened to me before.  I’ve heard of other women having lining issues, that it won’t thicken to the necessary measurements, but that’s never been a problem for me.  My doctor had been concerned for my lining after our miscarriage and D&C, but we were all happily surprised at how well my lining looked before our last failed FET in May.  This new development was a surprise to the U/S tech who scanned me, the doctor who reviewed the scans, and the PA who delivered the despairing news to me.  But I honestly wasn’t surprised.

I wouldn’t say I was expecting that my lining wouldn’t look good, but I was just anticipating something else standing in the way.  In all the past transfers we’ve done, I’ve always asked for work off as soon as I knew the scheduled date, typically 3-4 weeks in advance.  But this time, I didn’t.  This time I told myself that just incase things didn’t go as planned, I wouldn’t schedule work off until after the appointment on Friday morning.  Some might think that my lack of scheduling off work played some kind of role in the negative outcome.  I think it was likely just God preparing me for the disheartening news.

The PA couldn’t tell me why the lining didn’t grow like it should have or has in the past, but that likely the way that my medical protocol was switched contributed to it greatly.  I thought back on my own lifestyle choices that I had made since the last transfer and compared my diet and exercise from then and now.  It was hard not to feel like I had caused this somehow, but it was also impossible to know.  So many impossible answers and unknowns in the lottery of IVF.

The PA informed me once I start my cycle again, I’ll come back in and do the scans and review what protocol to go with for the rescheduled FET and that it would likely occur sometime in August, but we couldn’t know when until my cycle starts.  I didn’t stick around to ask too many questions, I just wanted to get out of there before I had a serious breakdown.  I could see how bad she felt, telling me that even the doctor said “Kayla just can’t catch a break” as she reviewed my scans.  Somehow, I found a little comfort in hearing that the staff there is also sharing in the frustration with me.  They don’t feel the same kind of hurt I do each time another “storm” pops up, but I know they are hurting with me and continue to want to support me through it.

To say I was feeling disappointment with the news would be a huge understatement.  I was angry, just angry, and for so many different reasons.  For the first time in the last 22 months since starting this all, I let anger out and didn’t try to veil it with anything nice.  I honestly questioned if God truly did have my best interest in his heart for me, if he really does have and want good for my life.  I didn’t want anyone to try to cheer me up, I only wanted to be angry…..at least for a few hours.

By mid afternoon, I was feeling some better and Eric and I talked through why this small setback pushed me over my threshold for bad news. In reality, looking from the outside in to our situation, this was a setback by maybe another 4-6 weeks.  No big deal, right?  WRONG.  To me, it was just that, another set back, another thing my body failed me at, another thing keeping me from what I want so badly, something that most other can just have. Waiting another 4-6 weeks may not seem like much to someone not in my shoes, but what I heard was 4-6 weeks of more medications, more doctors appointments, more scans and 4-6 weeks longer I have to wait for the chance to become pregnant.  {Remember, still no guarantees!}

I was also looking forward to some finality in all of this.  We have been at this for nearly 2 years and it’s taken a toll on both of us emotionally, physically, financially and spiritually.  My body, mind and spirit {and wallet} are exhausted by the constant appointments followed by what feels like content bad news.  This delay also pushes off any of that finality I was hoping to feel, at least another 4-6 weeks.

As the storm grows darker again, I’m now back to trying to stay positive and think about what I can do in my situation rather than focusing on the thing I’m feeling held down by.  I know this storm will come to an end someday and it’s going to have a beautiful, bright rainbow with it.  I don’t know what that rainbow looks like, I know it is not guaranteed to be the baby I envision and pray for.  Rather, it may be acceptance and peace or it may be self strength and contentedness in what God’s done in my life.  Whatever the rainbow, I know there’s a promise from God in it and he continues to watch over and protect me through this storm.