I’ve looked to this day, June 27, 2017, with dread and despair.  Today is the day I should be anticipating your arrival, counting the hours until I could hold you in my arms and stare at your sweet face.  Today was supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life.

Instead of meeting you for the first time, I’m left with only painful memories.  It feels like only yesterday that I discovered you had left this world too early and I learned that I would not hear your cries, I would never see your smile and I could not know your spirit in this lifetime.  That day haunts me still and I will never forget the crush of loosing you too soon.

My love for you knows no end and not a day will ever go by that you won’t cross my mind.  You are missed by me, your daddy and your big brother and we dream of you often.  I smile when I think of the day that I will finally feel your arms around my neck and hear you call me mommy.  What an amazing day that will be!

For the last 6 months, I have prayed for peace and healing and tried to imagine how I would handle this day.  I envisioned lots of tears, locking myself in my house and stuffing my face with something delicious to distract me from all the feelings.  But thankfully, our God is so good and he has answered my prayers.  I’m still sad, hurt and confused and even sometimes angry, but I’m also healing and have a comfort in my situation that I can’t really understand or explain. I know this acceptance and contentedness can only come from above and am grateful for that.

Until we meet on the other side of life, you will always be in my heart.  I am always your mommy, you are always my son and you are forever loved and missed.