In 72 hours, I will be sitting with my feet up, taking it easy and bracing myself for another dreaded 2ww {2 Week Wait}.  The week I’ve been longing for is finally here, transfer week, and I could not be more anxious, excited and most of all, scared.

I feel like I have been longingly waiting for this week to get here since the most painful day of my life, the day I met my lifeless son.  As I sat in my hospital bed in all my hurt and anger, I knew I wanted to try again.  I wanted another shot at a baby and I was willing to put my body through whatever necessary for the chance of a full and healthy pregnancy.  In those moments and the months to follow, I never felt fearful, only anxious and impatient.  But with every “setback” that followed, it seemed my body understood what my mind did not; that I wasn’t really ready.  I needed time to heal, physically and emotionally.

And here I am now, physically prepared, but realizing I’m still emotionally damaged.  Don’t get me wrong, I am excited to be here again, but if I’m honest, I’m terrified as well.  Eric and I find ourselves preparing for if/when it doesn’t work and having the conversations that I didn’t think I would ever have….that we are close to the end of this road no matter the results.  I’m doing my best to think positive, but also preparing for the possibility of another failed round; a self-preservation tactic that is vital to my mental health.

In the next couple of days, I will continue to prepare myself emotionally and physically.  On Wednesday morning, I’ll undergo my 6th IVF procedure in under 2 years.  My prayer is of course that this will end in success, but I know that even if there is a double pink line in my future, the nerves and fear will only continue.  I know that even with the best case scenario, I may still doubt and struggle to feel the unadulterated joy over the life growing in me.  I need the strength that only comes from above, then and now, to take my fear and worry away.

In the last 20 months, since we started this journey, I’ve learned that I’m stronger than I ever realized.  I have pushed the limits with my body and my mind.  I have gained relationships that mean so much to me with women I’ve never met.  My marriage has been tested and came out stronger for it.  My son has a new understanding of life and of death and speaks with joy of the reunion we will have one day in Heaven.  I have discovered that God has meaningful and beautiful purpose even in tragedy.

I pray that these discoveries, rather than fear, would fill my mind in the upcoming days.  I pray for peace and reminders that God is in control and that whatever the outcome, His will be done.