Today’s the day I’ve been looking forward to ever since our miscarriage.  Earlier this week I had labs done to confirm my HCG was finally low enough…..3.4 on Monday  {Which quite honestly, still seemed ridiculously high considering it’s been almost 2 months since the miscarriage}!!!!  But this meant I could move forward FINALLY in the next steps with IVF and get going on the baby making I’ve been longing for since Isaiah left us.

We also had Lincoln’s Kindergarten Screening this morning which was exciting but more emotional for me than I expected!  My little boy is growing up way too fast and as much as I love seeing him change and develop and learn, man I just wish sometimes I could swaddle him up and give him a bottle!!!  His screening went great, which we expected, he’s so smart and no part of him struggles to socialize or retain what he’s heard and learned {the good stuff and the not so good stuff!} and he’s going to thrive in school next year, I just know it!

After the screen, I brought him to class and headed for my doctors appointment. I again reassured Eric, he didn’t need to come with me for this appointment.  He like me, has been overwhelmingly busy at work and I completely understand and appreciate the need to be at the office during business hours. I almost ordered him to go to work and skip my appointment….I’d fill him in tonight!

I was scheduled for an HSI and a uterine biopsy.  Both of these procedures I’ve had before and went in anticipating that something would be found on the HSI, leading to needing to have to have surgery of some kind to remove a polyp or fibroid {I’ve had this 2 or 3 times before} and also expected the biopsy would be clear {always has been in the passed!}.

Right on cue, the PA had to call the doctor in to get a 2nd opinion on the ultrasound of the HSI that was being performed. She wasn’t 100% sure what she was looking at.  They were able to track my incredible RE down and she popped in to confirm there was definitely something there and a Hysteroscopy would be in my very near future.  She was in the middle of a transfer when they pulled her out, so just as quickly as she came in, she popped back out.

As the PA began pulling out the various items stuck up my lady parts and preparing to stick other utensils up there for the dreadful biopsy, I began to bleed…..and bleed…..and bleed.  I began to bleed profusely enough that my doctor was called back to the party before she could get back to the poor women strapped in the sterile table.  I couldn’t help but feel sorry for that women because I know how uncomfortable and likely agitated she was that someone else {that someone else being ME} was holding up her baby {or babies!} from being put back in their temporary housing!!!  She likely was cursing me out because her bladder was ready to burst and she was freezing on the stainless steel table.  I wanted to tell her ” I’m sorry, dear infertile friend, I do not know you personally, but I do know your physical uncomforableness and the painful emotional rollercoaster you’ve likely been on and I’m not helping it!!!  Please forgive me!!!!”

I began to feel a little light headed, nothing crazy, but continued to lay flat at the PA, nurses, and doctors direction.  I guess the situation was kind of serious!  The doctor told me I would need to be taken for an Emergency DNC because she was unable to get the bleeding to stop and was afraid there may be a small amount of placenta left over from the miscarriage that was dislodged during the procedure and was now causing some serious problems.

My reaction in that moment was almost laughable.  I didn’t for see this being what my day would consist of.  I was really looking forward to this day.  I was looking forward to kindergarten screening, the appointment with the fertility clinic to hopefully get a plan in place and some prospective dates set, and then I was off to an afternoon at the spa…a WHOLE AFTERNOON!!!!  Eric had so generously purchased a spa package for me…..something I’d NEVER do for myself, because he knew just how stressed I’ve been. I have a man that looks out for my well being more than I do and this was such a thoughtful gesture….but will need to be rescheduled.  I was headed to Spa Sanford instead.  The beds aren’t quite as comfy, but the drugs are probably better 🙂

I discovered that surgery intake goes a lot faster when it’s an emergency.  It felt like only minutes from when I was having the procedure and then was suddenly on the surgical floor and being brought back to the OR.  I exchanged pleasantries with the anestiologist….turns out I had worked a claim for his home in the country  in the last year so he looked familiar to me.  We chatted a bit and then he gave me the sleepy medicine and I drifted off.

Surgery took longer than expected and the doctor found a larger piece of placenta then expected.  If I must try to look at the positive side of things, I will say, I’m glad it was discovered here and now because in reality, it could have come dislodged at any point, anywhere.  If it happened at home while I was sleeping or maybe at work when traveling 3 hours from home, there could have been some really serious and potentially fatal results from that.  God’s always looking out for me I guess!

I was originally told that I’d be released after surgery, but now I’m being kept overnight for observation.  I lost about 6 pints of blood, which is enough to make me feel light headed and uneasy.  I’m also having decent pain from it all and then of course there’s all the anxiety that I’m building up on myself from all of this.

I can’t help but admit that it’s getting hard to stay positive.  It’s getting harder for me to keep perspective and it’s getting harder to not feel more and more like a failure and question what the heck is God doing with this?!?!?!  My eyes are heavy and tired from the tears {and probably all the morphine and Percocet and other pleasantries they’ve allowed me!}  My tears are not from the physical pain {well, maybe the first few were after I woke up} but more so the emotional and mental pain.  Not gonna lie, it’s getting really old hitting a roadblock around each turn.  It’s starting to feel like the feat of becoming pregnant, might just break me and maybe I’m not strong enough.  I loose more and more confidence in myself as a mom—-after all, if God has made it this difficult for me to even achieve pregnancy and then to top it off, loose one for no apparent reason so easily, maybe He’s telling me I’m not cut out for this again.  That’s tough for me to swallow and maybe it’s extreme, but I can’t help my mind from going there.

My RE visited with Eric and I each after the procedure.  She’s not yet sure what this looks like now for us moving forward.  It certainly pushes us back at least 1 more cycle, possibly 2-3 more cycles.  There’s a good chance that by the time we’re finally on the road to baby again, I could have/should have been holding my Isaiah in my arms, listening to his cries and seeing his sweet smile.  I feel like I’ve lost so much more than just my precious Isaiah….I’ve lost time, I’ve lost countless hours of sleep, I’ve lost the obvious….a lot of blood! and I’m starting to lose hope.  I don’t want to go all Debbie-Downer here, but if I’m being honest with you guys…..this sucks.

I’m ending this the same way I end most posts nowadays….more prayers appreciated   I’m a little low in the “stay positive” vibes so if anyone has any extra laying around to share, send them my way.  This road to becoming mommy again is getting harder and darker right now.