When Eric and I first realized that our path to parenthood was going to be a struggle, I was embarrassed. I’ve shared before that for the first few years, we didn’t tell anyone except for a few family members, that we were even trying to concieve. When others asked about our plans for kids, we would force a smile and tell a small lie, saying “when it happens, it happens” or “we’re not in a huge rush for kids yet”, all the while dying inside. It hurt so much keeping that secret and with every inquiry, I felt more alone and more like a failure.
Then we reached the point of fertility assistance and I couldn’t keep the lie going. For several reasons, we decided to put it out there to all of our family, friends, co-workers and anyone else who cared to ask. The first few times admitting our shortcoming out loud, was tough. Even though we had no control over our situation, I still felt shame associated with our infertility and by keeping that secret in the dark for so long, my shame about it had grown more and more.
But as we shared our situation, it got more comfortable to talk about. No one shunned us for being infertile, no one laughed in our faces for not being able to “get the job done”. Nobody judged us or thought less of us. Instead, we received support, prayers, hugs, numerous “I-had-no-idea”‘s, and so many more positive things. By shedding light on our burden, I was able to breathe again, the weight of it felt lifted off our shoulders, and it was one less distraction as we went through IVF. I wished I had been strong enough not to carry that secret and sought support sooner!
I lead with this backstory, because I’m about to open up again about a very real struggle I’m currently facing. It’s a struggle that I again have no control over and that anyone who knows what our last couple months have looked like, let alone our last 1 1/2 years, would likely expect to be there. But even knowing all of that, I’ve still kept this in the dark, not wanting to say it out loud, letting this “secret” grow and cloud my mind and invade every happy space I have.
Last night this struggle finally came to head and I knew I had to say it out loud to Eric or it would consume all of me. Being healthy mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically for my husband, son and self is more important to me than my pride. It had to come out.
When I finally spoke the word out loud, the ugly “D” word, and shed light to it, I again felt that sense of freedom, like I could breathe again, and that the grip it had over me, loosened. It felt good to share that burden, to know I wasn’t in it alone anymore, and so I want to share it with you all as well and hope that I’ll receive the same kind of support I did when we admitted our struggle with infertility. I don’t want this looming over my every thought, stealing away the joy in front of me right now. I want to feel like me again.
Since losing Isaiah, I’ve been battling depression and have been fighting it alone. Some days I feel fine, and others are really low. I struggle to find the positive things in life right now. It’s really hard to admit, but I have honestly had the thought that not being here anymore would just be easier. I wouldn’t have to face this loss and grief anymore, my stress at work would be gone, and I would get to be with my Isaiah and hold him again. Even though I have all kinds of supportive, loving and caring people around me {and I thank each of you deeply, because there really are sooooo many of you}, I’ve still felt low and in the dumps. I have so badly wanted to be strong and face these hard times with a positive attitude, that I’ve put on a front, even to myself, that I’m better than I really am.
Now before you get too alarmed, no I have not had thoughts of harming myself and I still know the amazing things I do have in my life, but I’m just having a hard time enjoying them to their fullest right now. I’m not at a place where I would want to throw away being Eric’s wife or Lincoln’s mom because life is too much. I can still see the blessings in front of me but I’m not able to be the best blessing to them right now because of where my head and heart are at.
I want to shed light to this sickness inside of me right now, so that God can use it for His glory rather than the devil, and I want to feel happy and be positive again! I know that I am not the only one who has suffered in silence with depression, too afraid to open up about it. I want to be stronger than the urge to hide myself away, and give myself the support I know I’ll receive by sharing.
I hope that if anyone else is reading this and finds themselves in a dark place, that you too would find a safe place and admit how your struggling. Know that you don’t have to broadcast it on a blog to feel better—because honestly, admitting this on a blog is scary! Just admitting it to yourself and to God can be a relief and the first step in the right direction.
Life is hard and every one of us struggles with something. Your struggle may look different than mine, but finding support for the struggle makes all the difference. God never intended for us to do life alone, and so if you are struggling right now, find that safe person and be willing to open yourself up. I know it’s hard, I’m an introvert and would rather keep to myself at all times!!! But God gave me the strength years ago to open up about a personal struggle, and He’s doing it again now. He’ll do the same for you, you just have to take the first step.
Becoming Mommy 