Yesterday was a hard day for me.  It’s been only a week and half since Isaiah was born into this world and we said our hellos & goodbyes, but somehow it feels longer.  I feel like I’ve been mourning this for months, that I couldn’t possibly have more tears to give, but then yesterday happened and my healing scab was ripped back open.

Yesterday I heard his name.  Another mother was calling it out, to her beautiful son, Isaiah, at the after school pick up.  It sounded so foreign to me but immediately caught me off guard.  I had to choke back tears as I remembered my Isaiah.  I watched as he ran to his mom, hugging her tightly with excitement and then holding her hand as they crossed the street together.  I wasn’t expecting to hear his name at school.  Sure, I’ve heard it plenty on the radio to a Bible verse or read it in scriptures, but hearing it roll off the tongue of another mother referring to her son, that was different and it was hard.

Lincoln burst out the doors shortly after and I put what had just happened in the back of my mind so I could focus on what I had in front of me.  As much as I didn’t want to think about it, it affected me all night long.  When Eric got home from work, he could tell I was off and before he could really even dig into what was going on in my mind, I was telling him about how I heard our boy’s name.  Before I could finish, before I could even say his name, I was crying.  I hadn’t cried for at least 24 hours and as much as it pained me to feel that devastation again and open it back up, it felt good to cry.

The last few days I feel like my grief has developed into more.  The obvious loss of Isaiah is always there, but has also grown to include the idea that we may not become new parents again.  We may never be able to achieve another pregnancy, our 5 frozen embryos may not be viable babies, our insurance money may run out before we ever achieve the end goal.  What if this was the last time I would carry another life?

You may think I’m getting ahead of myself in all this thinking, but unfortunately these are very real concerns for us already.  Eric and I both knew before we even left the hospital that we would continue on the road of IVF once my body was physically able to.  That could be a month from now, or maybe a few more, but we know we want to try again as soon as we can.  Unfortunately, age is more than just a number when it comes to the infertility game.  Sure, many women into their 40’s are having babies, but when we have the odds stacked up against us already, we don’t want to chance anything and know that the younger I am, the better.

Today we met with the genetic counselor to discuss our remaining embryos. Luckily, the results from Isaiah’s genetic testing had come in this morning so we were also able to discuss that.  I don’t know what I was expecting to hear, but I hoped to get some kind of answer as to why he didn’t survive.  Unfortunately, the results gave us no answers.  Isaiah was chromosomally, completely normal.  The results for the labs completed on me also came in earlier this week and everything on my end checked out just fine.  My heart sank a little hearing all of this.  Even though really this is all good news, it leaves us in the same place we were on the 10th when we first discovered Isaiah no longer had a heartbeat.

Now, it could still be that there was a cord issue.  The genetic counselor could not speak on the results from pathology and advised we would need to wait to speak with our doctor about those results.  It could also be there was a heart issue or something else with another organ.  Those types of tests were not done, we did not have an autopsy performed on Isaiah.  All we do know is that his genetic make up down to the chromosomes, appeared normal and based on this, one would have assumed I would carry a healthy pregnancy to full term.

We went into this appointment assuming we would be sending off the remaining embryos for biopsy and genetic testing, but now we are feeling maybe that isn’t necessary or the best option?  The additional cost is a big enough speed bump for us and we also discovered that the additional freeze/thaw cycle that the embryos would have to go under, is not exactly ideal.  Not to say it isn’t possible that they survive it, but it is would certainly create additional stress and could cause what could be otherwise completely normal embryos, to not be viable when the time to transfer comes.  Essentially, to perform the genetic testing, the now frozen embryos we need to be thawed, biopsied, frozen again, and then thawed 1 more time when transfer time came.  Normally, the biopsy is performed before the embryos are ever frozen so they don’t have to go through an additional freeze/thaw cycle.  I know this is probably a lot to understand for anyone who hasn’t been through the IVF process, because it’s a lot for us to understand and comprehend, but we find ourself now faced with this big decision with not much information to go off of!

Next week Friday we will meet our reproductive doctor again.  We’ll then be able to ask more questions regarding the genetic testing process, any other pathology results from Isaiah, and review the next steps.

Next week I also plan to get back to work.  This will likely be tough, but also a good thing for me.  Please continue to pray for us as we transition back into “real life” on this side of tragedy.

We continue to feel that God has not left us alone in this time, that He is sending constant reminders of His presence through caring friends and family, a song on the radio, a verse we normally may have overlooked, and even through Lincoln.  We are blessed to be a part of a community that has surrounded us with love in our darkest time, lifting us up so we don’t have to bear this alone.

My prayer is that although I may never know the “why”, that Isaiah’s story and our grief, may touch someone else struggling in a similar situation and that they would find hope in their desperation.  I truly believe we are not meant to do life alone or carry our burdens in silence.  Our Heavenly Father sent his Son to this Earth and He died on a cross a horrible death.  He knows our pain and He grieves with us.  He wants to carry that load if we only give it over to Him and find peace and rest in His love.  That is exactly what we will continue to do, even when it’s the hardest thing imaginable.