“Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” ~ Albert Einstein

Well that’s how I felt about a week and a half ago when I took my first at home pregnancy test and discovered another let down, another heart break, another negative test.  I felt numb and sad and so alone.  I didn’t even wake Eric to tell him, I figured I could ruin his morning when he woke up on his own.

I was 7 days past the transfer date at that point and felt confident that an at home pregnancy test would be able to detect the HCG in my system.  I’m a member in a couple different IVF support groups on Facebook and so many women were already testing positive at 5 or 6 days after their transfer date so I felt good about this!

The week leading up to this morning both Eric and myself were feeling good about what the results were going to be.  It was a new, fresh batch of embies, I had been working out and taking care of myself during our summer months off, and I even felt like I was having symptoms {irritable, tired, forgetful….all of which could just be a condition called “Working-Full-Time-And-Being-A-Mom-To-A-Four-Year-Old”}.  But I even said to Eric on the Thursday or Friday before testing “I think I’m pregnant this time!”

That all came crashing down when I saw there was only 1 pink line in the window made for 2.

My heart sank, I cried, I double and triple checked.  Still no second line, not even a faint, ghost of a line.

Eventually I crawled into Lincoln’s bed with him. He was already stirring and greeted me with a smile.  He could tell I had been crying and asked what was wrong.  I told him the sad but predictable news, that there was no baby in my tummy anymore.

All week we had been praying that this time the baby would “hold on”.  Lincoln had changed his mind about having a baby and was on board with being a big brother now….he had already been telling people I had a baby in my tummy after the transfer day of 10/8!  So this news was crushing to him too.  I could see it on his face, the smile faded, he crossed his arms and furrowed his brow, and stated “Well I guess God can’t do everything.”

Eric had woken as well and came to join us in Linc’s room.  Lincoln’s eyes also started to water and when he made that statement, I couldn’t hold my tears back anymore. Eric came in and asked what was wrong and Lincoln made the same declaration.  It felt terrible, but in that moment, I wanted to throw the little childish fit that Lincoln was throwing and I wanted to feel the same way.  But I knew better, I knew God could do it, I just felt like He wouldn’t…..and that hurt more.

We shared a sad few moments as a family in Lincoln’s room and hugged and I held the 2 most important people in my life.  Lincoln, in typical 4-year-old fashion, quickly moved on to “what’s for breakfast” and “what are we going to do today”.  I was still just in shock and texted my mom the devastating news.

We texted back and forth and she said lots of encouraging mom things, but I know she just wanted to be able to do something to make it all ok.  I know because that’s what I want to do when my child is hurting.  She knew she couldn’t take the pain away, but suggested we get out and do something we wouldn’t normally do and try to take our minds off of it and enjoy the child we do have.  So we did….we planned a last minute, overnight trip to the cities.

Lincoln was PUMPED.  He couldn’t wait to get to the hotel and go swimming!  Eric was excited for Chipotle {and so was I} and we both looked forward to just getting away and trying to take our mind off of this discovery.  We went to the Mall of America, did the ride thing, Underwater World, LegoLand, Crayola Experience, and spoiled Lincoln and enjoyed our beautiful son {although there was lots of wining, complaining, and even tears shed when he didn’t get the $100 lego set he wanted!}

By the end of the day there was a small adult tantrum thrown by me.  As hard as I tried, I couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that I had failed again.  That coupled with the sugar high crashing in Lincoln and taking the wrong exit from MOA to our hotel, just put me in a bad mood.  I was snapping at Lincoln, I was short with Eric and I was angry at God.

When we got to the hotel, Eric got Lincoln ready to go to the pool.  I hesitantly went along, but didn’t feel like getting in so I just watched from the side.  Watching them interact brought me joy and sorrow at the same time.  I have an incredible son who is healthy and happy and vibrant.  But my mind went back to why we were on this trip to begin with, that my womb was empty still and that our chance of success in this arena was becoming dimmer and dimmer.

I headed up to the room solo and I laid on the bed, with my head in the pillow, and just cried.  I talked to God and told him about my anger and frustration.  I felt sorry for myself and the situation and I just let the ugly out for a few minutes.

Even though I know that our infertility is not something that God is “doing” to us, sometimes I just want to be mad at someone for it, and because I know that God is in control and can overcome my infertility, I just wanted to be angry at Him!  And then He reminded me, that He is in control, that He is doing something, and that His plan is better than mine.  These are things I know to be true, I have experienced in my life, but still need constant {sometimes hour by hour} reminders of.

When the boys came back to the room, I felt better, I had gotten that anger out, and I was ready to accept the outcome and move on.  I thanked Eric for not pushing back at me when I was being less than loving to him, and for taking Lincoln to the pool.  I had to remind myself that he can’t hold it together for both of us and he may want to get some frustration out to.  This is happening to both of us and we are a team in the ups and downs.

The rest of the trip went off without a hitch.  We were still sad, but we could breath.  We returned home Sunday night and prepared for the next week.  I had started to spot on Saturday morning and felt like “that time of the month” was inevitable, but as long as I was on my medication, the hormones would hold it off.  I wasn’t scheduled to follow up with my doctor until Monday, 10/24, and didn’t want to continue my meds for another week if there was no baby to be had. I didn’t need and/or want any needle pricks and hormone injections that weren’t necessary.

Eric and I agreed we would try to move the doctors appointment up to later in the week and then we would go right back into the next transfer as soon as possible.