This last week was rough.  Physically it took me a long time to recover from my egg retrieval from Monday morning.  Mentally and emotionally I struggled.  Because I didn’t feel well, I couldn’t get my head “in the game” it seemed and all week I felt off.  I struggled to feel like I could keep doing this, that maybe we just needed to throw in the towel because I don’t know if I am strong enough to do this any more.

I waited until Thursday afternoon to contact my doctor’s office to inform them of how miserable I was still feeling.  They scheduled me to come in first thing on Friday to have ultrasounds and lab work done to ensure everything was ok and to see if we could move forward as scheduled with transfer on Saturday or if we’d have to postpone.

Friday morning I was feeling a whole lot better than I was Monday, but still sore and bloated.  To make a long story short and save on some of the details, everything checked out ok.  My ovaries were still “large and in charge” as the ultra sound tech put it 🙂 and there was still a lot of free fluid, but my lab work came back normal and my doctor felt ok moving forward on Saturday.  Whew….I was relieved!  I thought for sure they were going to tell me we’d have to wait for the fluid and swelling to go down, delaying us another 4-6 weeks!

Saturday morning we woke up bright and early. I started drinking my 32 oz of water and took my diazepam at 6:30 and we headed out to get to the clinic by 7AM as instructed. Now I just want to say how grateful I am, that I live in the same city as my doctor’s office.  So many couples have to travel hours and even some across state lines, to get to their fertility doctor.  I live 20 minutes away, 12 if there’s no traffic, and get to recover in the comfort of my own bed rather than in a hotel room like so many do.  This time around, I took time to stop and be thankful for that little convenient blessing.

We arrived at the clinic at 7AM.  The nurse took me for a weight and asked if my bladder was full.  Now I had finished more than my required 32oz but I wasn’t really feeling that full yet.  Likely, it just hadn’t had the time to make its way to my bladder yet, but I regrettably asked for a bottle of water.  I wanted to make sure my procedure wasn’t delayed because I wasn’t full enough!  I immediately started guzzling the bottle of water.

The nurse took us back to our room, got my vitals, and then kindly told us there was going to be a wait.  There was an egg retrieval that had just gotten started.  Apparently, the anesthesiologist arrived over 30 minutes late, delaying that procedure.  This in turn, would delay my procedure by at least that amount of time.  The panic spread over me…why did I ask for that extra bottle of water!!??  The nurse sweetly advised that if I was feeling my bladder already, I should probably stop drinking the water. My first thought was, why did she offer this to me in the first place?!

Fast forward approximately 70 agonizing minutes, I was finally getting dressed and ready for my procedure that should have been done by then!  The doctor offered for me to go use the bathroom to let out a little bit of the urine, but I knew that wasn’t even an option.  If I was letting a little out, I was letting it all out at that point.  I would have no control over that bodily function once started!

So we proceeded.  The nurse strapped my legs into the oh-so-familiar stirrups on the cold table, spread my legs, and we waited for the doctor.  We waited and waited and waited for what seemed like an eternity.

The nurse and ultrasound tech made small talk with Eric and I, they could see how much discomfort I was in and just wanted to help distract me.  I wasn’t much for chatting in that moment, I just wanted to scream at them to get the doctor in the room!  But I knew where she was…she was being a good doctor and talking with the previous retrieval patient.  She was doing her job as quick as she could without compromising care to each of her patients.  I could respect that, so I gritted my teeth and held on.

The doctor finally arrived…no more waiting!  Or so I thought.  She explained she would have to do a trial run first to ensure that the little catheter that houses the embryo, would go in smoothly and not run into any kinks along the way.

She spread my legs a little further {the agony!} and tilted me upside down some {breathing, keep breathing!!}.  Then the cold speculum {Seriously??!!} and then the pressure from the catheter {OH COME ON, MAN!!!}  Meanwhile the ultrasound tech was pressing on my abdomen to guide the doctor’s tools through everything.  This small amount of pressure wasn’t helping me!  But the trial run went great, better than times before.  Apparently the enlarged ovaries made it even easier for the doctor to get where she needed to be, things were positioned perfectly!

Another few seconds later she was inserting the catheter again, this time that held my baby.  We watched as baby was softly placed inside of my womb and I said a silent prayer that this time it would stick, that I would not be seeing the inside of this room again, that all this discomfort was worth it.

They unstrapped me, lowered the table, reviewed a few things I already knew, and I darted for the bathroom.  Finally, some relief!!!

As you can tell, we put only one embryo in.  Because my ovaries are still swollen and that isn’t really ideal, the doctor was only comfortable putting one in.  We had hoped to do two, but were advised that if both embryos would implant and we ended up with twins, I would no doubt be admitted after a few weeks for OHSS.  My ovaries would fill back up with fluid because of the rising HCG and I would  be in a lot more pain that I had been this past week.  I didn’t want to chance it, neither did Eric, so we heeded our doc’s advise and went with the best looking one 🙂

And so now we wait.  Frist we wait to hear back from the lab to tell us how many of the other 13 fertilized embryo’s will be viable to freeze.  We found out yesterday that at least 2 others had reached the necessary blastocyst stage and would be viable, but unsure about the rest.  We’ll know sometime today.

And we wait the painful “2 week wait” until we follow-up for the results.

It’s harder this time to be hopeful, to think positive and expect a “win”.  We’re batting 200 so far in this game of in vitro and I don’t feel that great when up to the plate.  I don’t have the same confidence, I have a defeatist attitude, I need prayers to uplift my spirit and I need God to carry me through this.

I’m so grateful for so many of you who are praying for us as we go through this again.  Your caring texts and thoughts mean so much and I know we’re not alone.  I trust in the Lord that His will in my life will prevail and He will give me strength to endure anything that I face, even this and even if another heart-ache is around the corner.

—“But those who trust in the LORD will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.”—Isaiah 40:31