This morning I had another ultrasound, hopefully my last invasive one.  I’ve been going in every other day now since Tuesday and my body has responded to the hormones….maybe too much 😦

At my ultra sound on Thursday I had a very high count of follicles already.  33 on my left and 27 on my right….this is a LOT!  Having a higher number is good, but also you don’t want too high of a number and you also don’t want them to get too big too fast.  If you have too many you risk hyper stimulation of the ovaries and if you they grow too fast, they may not be of great quality.  It feels like a very small target to aim for to grow the right amount and the right size of follicles!  Anyway, the follicles were already measuring at 14-15 and they like to see the follicles at 18 in order to harvest them.  My lab work showed I was right on track and I was scheduled to come back in on Saturday, this morning, to check again.

Now, I knew before I went in this morning, I was going to have a high number of follicles. I knew the follicles were going to be large.  I knew they were going to tell me I’m at risk for hyper stimulation.  I knew this all because from Thursday to this morning, I am in so much discomfort!!!  It hurts to walk, sit, lay down, slouch, stand….really everything hurts 😦  I’m so bloated and full “down there” that even eating is difficult because I feel like there’s no room for anything else.  Having a full bladder is also very uncomfortable so I’m making even more trips than normal to the bathroom {and those of you who know me, know I already pee all the time!!!}!  I wouldn’t say that it’s the level of uncomfort that a third trimester pregnant woman experiences, but it’s just another type of uncomfortableness in this journey to try to achieve pregnancy…..just a different uncomfortable experience.

This morning I arrived to the lab and they first drew my blood….for the 4th time this week.  Then they took me back for the ultrasound which I was dreading due to all the swelling and bloating I’ve got going on, but surprisingly, it wasn’t as bad as I anticipated.  The ultra sound tech found what I already knew to be true….I was FULL!  So full, she couldn’t give me an accurate count as to how many follicles I have.  She measured what she could see and I have an abundant of 14-22mm sized follicles.  After what felt like an eternity, she finished up and printed off the results for the nurse and doctor to review.  She printed off 2 pages worth of measurements and joked to me that you know you have a lot when it spits out 2 pages.  Either go big or go home, right?? 😉

As great as it is to have so many follicles to fertilize  and hopefully develop into embryos, I knew this wasn’t great news and that the conversation about hyper stimulation was up next.

When the doctor came, he went through all my options and the scenarios ahead of me.  I asked lots of questions and tried to related this experience with my successful experience almost 5 1/2 years ago.  Back then, I was very uncomfortable and had a high count as well, but not as much as I have now.  Back then, they didn’t know as much about hyper stimulation and the risks it carries for the mother.  Back then, I may have been flagged for it, but wasn’t checked for it like I was now, again because they didn’t know as much as they know now.  The reproductive medical world is ever growing in knowledge, understanding and technology every day.

So what is hyper stimulation?  Well, my basic understanding {without doing any research, so forgive me if I get any of this wrong} is it’s when the ovaries get too stimulated by the hormones.  They stretch out and can grow cysts and can essentially take up too much room “down there”.  They will continue to grow and be stimulated by the hormones released if I were to become pregnant.  This could cause lots of sickness and even more uncomfortableness than I’m already feeling and in some cases, very dangerous for the pregnant mother.  We certainly want to avoid this.

To bring it back to where I’m at now, tonight I will take the “trigger shot” {HCG} to make me ovulate.  The doctor is having me take only 1/2 the normal dose in hopes that this will keep me from hyper stimulating any more than I already have.  I’ll have to go back in tomorrow morning for another lab to determine if the HCG level is high enough {above 100} to have allowed for a successful ovulation.  If it is, great, if not, then I’ll have to have another “trigger shot” to ensure the job is done.  I think this would all be solidify the hyper stimulation situation for me 😦

I will also be starting a new medication tonight that acts as a dopamine for the ovaries and will hopefully combat any hyper stimulation already going on.  Hopefully this works and brings my levels and ovaries back down to normal size quickly after the harvest procedure.

Monday morning I will go in and be sedated and they will take out all the follicles measuring 14+.  They will then fertilize them in the lab and we’ll wait to see how many develop and how many were “duds”.

On Monday, after the procedure, we’ll have the conversation with our doctor again about what’s next.  If I am hyper stimulating, I won’t be able to proceed to the next step in this process yet.  I would have to wait another cycle and then prep my body again with other medications and transfer a frozen embryo {or 2} at a later date.  This would allow the ovaries to come back down in size, my hormones to get back in normal range, and my body some healing time.  This really doesn’t sound that bad, right?

I agree, this doesn’t sound horrible and it’s probably the best and safest thing for me and any potential future baby.  However, I’m getting impatient! Have you ever wanted something so badly and no matter what you did, there always seemed to be something in the way??? I wanted to be holding my baby in my arms already and to have this news feels like another road block, another set back, something else that’s gone wrong.  I’ll be honest, I want to shake my fist at God and just ask Him “Why won’t you just give me this!?  Why is this so hard?! Don’t you see how bad I’m hurting?!”

On Monday, we’ll try to make the decision to either hold off and freeze all embryos or move forward as planned {and hoped!} with the fresh transfer.  I’m praying that 1) The low dose of trigger shot tonight will work and that I will have a high enough level tomorrow morning from the lesser dosage to avoid any unnecessary HCG in my system, 2) the meds I start tonight will help combat any hyper stimulation I already have going on and help bring my ovaries back down in size quickly after the procedure Monday, and 3) that He would give us clear direction on moving forward or waiting.

I want this pregnancy and a baby so badly that it hurts and I’m brought to tears thinking of having to wait another 6 weeks to even just try.  I know in the grand scheme of things, 6 weeks longer isn’t that big of a deal, especially when it comes to risking my health, but it’s just another reminder to me of how hard this all is. If I’m honest, I find myself jealous of women who have unplanned or unexpected pregnancies….even though I know that’s not really fair for so many reasons.  I just want another amazing miracle and for it to not be so difficult physically, emotionally and mentally.

I also think part of the reason this was such hard new today is because I am full of hormones!  I’m a hot mess right now and I really just want to feel like myself again!  Until then, I’m welcoming my sweat pants, accepting the laziness as a good thing, and allowing myself the ice cream indulgence if I feel so called to do!!!  Oh, and maybe a pedi is necessary too 😉