Insanity….Part 2

October 24, 20164 Comments

Monday morning, before I even left for work, I sent a message to my doctors office requesting we move the blood draw and follow up appointment up. I explained the spotting and the negative test. Then I headed out the door for the day.

My day went as usual, busy and hectic like all Mondays. I got a response from the nurse that we could move the appointment up to Thursday, 10/20, but that that was the earliest date they could do for me. I scheduled it and moved on. I was still sad about the fact that I was here again, but we have 5 frozen embryos to try with still, so we’re not out of the game completely.

I told Eric that day that I planned to start working out again that evening. I wanted to get back in that routine for the few weeks I could before going through the procedure again and was looking forward to this. But I was going to test one last time before starting, just to be certain. Because of the RE treatment, I was given strict instructions to not get my heart rate above 135 which limited me to pretty much just walking. I was eager to do more than that and get some sweat rolling again!

After work I ran to the store, purchased a few things including an at home pregnancy test, the Clear Blue brand to be exact. Normally I just purchase the generic, store brand, but this time I upgraded because I wanted to be sure I trusted the results.

I got home, took the test, and let it sit while I changed into my workout gear. 3-4 minutes later I came back to the test to find TWO lines. That’s right, you read it correctly, TWO lines! I was S.H.O.C.K.E.D!!!!

I grabbed my phone to call or text Eric, but my fingers forgot how to unlock the code. When I figured that out, I fumbled my way to the camera and took a photo quick before the line disappeared…I had to confirm this was real. I sent him the photo and waited about a minute before calling. My stomach was going crazy, I was almost in a panic. My hands were sweaty and my breathing got faster. What was going on!?!?

I called Eric and asked if he got the picture. He hadn’t. I told him I tested and there was a second line. He didn’t know what that meant {ah, men!}, so I told him it means it’s positive! He looked at the photo and agreed, he could see a faint line. We were both nervously happy and I felt like impossible joy overwhelmed me.

When we got off the phone, I texted my mom. She too wasn’t sure what the 2nd line meant {come on people!} but agreed she could faintly see the 2nd line. I was so excited and didn’t know what to do with myself and almost couldn’t believe this. I posted a picture of it to the support groups I am a part of and asked if they too could see the faded line. Immediately several women were giving me their congratulations and agreed in seeing the 2nd line.

I texted a shot of it to a friend who I had been complaining to through out the day about the bad news from Saturday. She too had had a crappy weekend and I know I found comfort in complaining about it with someone else who “got it”.

She saw the shot and was also cautiously happy for me. She explained that she had had previous false positives with the Clear Blue brand and encouraged me to take another test. Meanwhile, I got 2 other women on the support group who said the same thing. False positives with Clear Blue 😦 I was brought back to reality.

I was still shaken however, by the thought that this might be real. I was trying to text with Eric, my mom and my friend as well as responding to people on the support group. I knew I needed to take another test at some point, but I was fearful of what it would really reveal.

Eventually, after dragging my feet some, I headed to the store again to buy more tests. I bought a couple brands this time so as to be sure I could average the results.

After Eric and Lincoln got home, I filled Eric in on the situation. We looked at the Clear Blue window again, the 2nd line had faded almost completely. I think we only continued to see it because we had the memory of it in our heads and a picture to refer back to.

I eventually had a bladder full enough to take another test and I had run out of excuses not to. I did realize that my HCG levels would be higher in the AM, but knew I wouldn’t be able to wait that long to test.

I took 2 different brands of tests and waited the 3 minutes the directions called for. 1 test {the cheap one, go figure}, showed nothing. The other {First Response} showed a thin, faint line 🙂

I again went back to the phone, texting my mom and my friend, going crazy in my head that this might be real. We showed Lincoln and explained what it meant. He was confused, but happy that he was going to be a big brother again! We told him it was important that we keep praying for the baby to “hold on” and that we thank God for this!!

I continued to test, each morning and evening until my blood work day. The lines got slightly darker each day, but I wasn’t going to feel confident until the blood work was back on Thursday.

Thursday morning I got to the lab at 7AM, as soon as I could, and happily rolled up my sleeve and gave access to my vein. I was never so excited for a needle prick!

I had to head out of town for work right after and be back in town for the follow up appointment at 11. Just this year, my doctors office started releasing all lab work results available to see on our online profile once they are completed. This means getting the results when the doctor, maybe even before, get the results. I anxiously kept refreshing my email, anticipating the notification that a lab result was released to my chart and eager to see what the result was.

Around 9AM, while I was still out of town on work, the result came though. My level was 51.9. My heart sank a little bit. Don’t get me wrong, this was good news, but I had hoped for a higher number. The results indicate that anything greater than 20 can mean pregnancy, but really I knew they want to see at least a 50. Now, I know what you’re thinking, “Kayla, it’s above 50”, but I again found myself not satisfied in the situation. When I was pregnant with Lincoln we found out on day 10 and my HCG level was much, much higher. I was now on day 12 and sitting at a measly 51.9.

At 10:45, Eric and I met at the doctors office and sat in anticipation in the waiting room. We were still trying not to get our hopes up and feeling anxious. Going through IVF we know so much, so early. We are also so aware of the things that could go wrong and have to be prepared for heart break. I didn’t feel like we could really celebrate yet.

Back in the office, our doctor congratulated us on the positive result. Eric specifically asked if she as happy with he results and she said she was “cautiously optimistic” about things. It was still so early and we would need to see how my next blood draw results come out. The level needed to rise at least 60% every 2 days {although the internet will tell you it needs to double every 2 days}. So by her account, I needed to be around 133 by my next draw, on Monday 10/24.

We left still feeling anxious and not ready to share the news with friends. We were so happy to be in this place compared to where we thought we were going to be, but still in the back of our heads, had doubt and fear.

I tested again on Friday after work. The line was much darker than it had been on Wednesday night and I felt good about that! Sunday morning I tested and this time, the test line was darker than the control line!!!

This morning I went back in and had my blood drawn. My result came back at 479!!!! Boy was I relieved, even though I felt very confident going into it today, it was so reassuring since that high of a number today 🙂

Now I have to look back and remember how I was just destroyed last week Saturday. My mom was right {yes, she is right sometimes} and told me maybe I tested too early. I reacted too quickly and assumed the worst because of our past year’s history. But maybe it is what I needed, to over react and take the time away with my family. Maybe I needed to feel that low again so that I would lean into God and spend more time in prayer with Him. Maybe God used my testing too soon to draw me closer to Him.

Eric and I are both so excited {and so is Lincoln!} but we also know we aren’t out of the woods. We know that we are at a higher risk of miscarriage or other complications and so we still ask for your continued support and prayers. We’ll go back in next week for our first {of hopefully many} ultrasounds and see our beautiful miracle-in-the-making for the first time. We are so grateful for your prayers and thoughts up to this point, but keep them coming!!! We’re pregnant!!!!!

Insanity….Part 1

October 24, 2016Leave a comment

“Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” ~ Albert Einstein

Well that’s how I felt about a week and a half ago when I took my first at home pregnancy test and discovered another let down, another heart break, another negative test. I felt numb and sad and so alone. I didn’t even wake Eric to tell him, I figured I could ruin his morning when he woke up on his own.

I was 7 days past the transfer date at that point and felt confident that an at home pregnancy test would be able to detect the HCG in my system. I’m a member in a couple different IVF support groups on Facebook and so many women were already testing positive at 5 or 6 days after their transfer date so I felt good about this!

The week leading up to this morning both Eric and myself were feeling good about what the results were going to be. It was a new, fresh batch of embies, I had been working out and taking care of myself during our summer months off, and I even felt like I was having symptoms {irritable, tired, forgetful….all of which could just be a condition called “Working-Full-Time-And-Being-A-Mom-To-A-Four-Year-Old”}. But I even said to Eric on the Thursday or Friday before testing “I think I’m pregnant this time!”

That all came crashing down when I saw there was only 1 pink line in the window made for 2.

My heart sank, I cried, I double and triple checked. Still no second line, not even a faint, ghost of a line.

Eventually I crawled into Lincoln’s bed with him. He was already stirring and greeted me with a smile. He could tell I had been crying and asked what was wrong. I told him the sad but predictable news, that there was no baby in my tummy anymore.

All week we had been praying that this time the baby would “hold on”. Lincoln had changed his mind about having a baby and was on board with being a big brother now….he had already been telling people I had a baby in my tummy after the transfer day of 10/8! So this news was crushing to him too. I could see it on his face, the smile faded, he crossed his arms and furrowed his brow, and stated “Well I guess God can’t do everything.”

Eric had woken as well and came to join us in Linc’s room. Lincoln’s eyes also started to water and when he made that statement, I couldn’t hold my tears back anymore. Eric came in and asked what was wrong and Lincoln made the same declaration. It felt terrible, but in that moment, I wanted to throw the little childish fit that Lincoln was throwing and I wanted to feel the same way. But I knew better, I knew God could do it, I just felt like He wouldn’t…..and that hurt more.

We shared a sad few moments as a family in Lincoln’s room and hugged and I held the 2 most important people in my life. Lincoln, in typical 4-year-old fashion, quickly moved on to “what’s for breakfast” and “what are we going to do today”. I was still just in shock and texted my mom the devastating news.

We texted back and forth and she said lots of encouraging mom things, but I know she just wanted to be able to do something to make it all ok. I know because that’s what I want to do when my child is hurting. She knew she couldn’t take the pain away, but suggested we get out and do something we wouldn’t normally do and try to take our minds off of it and enjoy the child we do have. So we did….we planned a last minute, overnight trip to the cities.

Lincoln was PUMPED. He couldn’t wait to get to the hotel and go swimming! Eric was excited for Chipotle {and so was I} and we both looked forward to just getting away and trying to take our mind off of this discovery. We went to the Mall of America, did the ride thing, Underwater World, LegoLand, Crayola Experience, and spoiled Lincoln and enjoyed our beautiful son {although there was lots of wining, complaining, and even tears shed when he didn’t get the $100 lego set he wanted!}

By the end of the day there was a small adult tantrum thrown by me. As hard as I tried, I couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that I had failed again. That coupled with the sugar high crashing in Lincoln and taking the wrong exit from MOA to our hotel, just put me in a bad mood. I was snapping at Lincoln, I was short with Eric and I was angry at God.

When we got to the hotel, Eric got Lincoln ready to go to the pool. I hesitantly went along, but didn’t feel like getting in so I just watched from the side. Watching them interact brought me joy and sorrow at the same time. I have an incredible son who is healthy and happy and vibrant. But my mind went back to why we were on this trip to begin with, that my womb was empty still and that our chance of success in this arena was becoming dimmer and dimmer.

I headed up to the room solo and I laid on the bed, with my head in the pillow, and just cried. I talked to God and told him about my anger and frustration. I felt sorry for myself and the situation and I just let the ugly out for a few minutes.

Even though I know that our infertility is not something that God is “doing” to us, sometimes I just want to be mad at someone for it, and because I know that God is in control and can overcome my infertility, I just wanted to be angry at Him! And then He reminded me, that He is in control, that He is doing something, and that His plan is better than mine. These are things I know to be true, I have experienced in my life, but still need constant {sometimes hour by hour} reminders of.

When the boys came back to the room, I felt better, I had gotten that anger out, and I was ready to accept the outcome and move on. I thanked Eric for not pushing back at me when I was being less than loving to him, and for taking Lincoln to the pool. I had to remind myself that he can’t hold it together for both of us and he may want to get some frustration out to. This is happening to both of us and we are a team in the ups and downs.

The rest of the trip went off without a hitch. We were still sad, but we could breath. We returned home Sunday night and prepared for the next week. I had started to spot on Saturday morning and felt like “that time of the month” was inevitable, but as long as I was on my medication, the hormones would hold it off. I wasn’t scheduled to follow up with my doctor until Monday, 10/24, and didn’t want to continue my meds for another week if there was no baby to be had. I didn’t need and/or want any needle pricks and hormone injections that weren’t necessary.

Eric and I agreed we would try to move the doctors appointment up to later in the week and then we would go right back into the next transfer as soon as possible.

And so we wait…

October 9, 2016Leave a comment

This last week was rough. Physically it took me a long time to recover from my egg retrieval from Monday morning. Mentally and emotionally I struggled. Because I didn’t feel well, I couldn’t get my head “in the game” it seemed and all week I felt off. I struggled to feel like I could keep doing this, that maybe we just needed to throw in the towel because I don’t know if I am strong enough to do this any more.

I waited until Thursday afternoon to contact my doctor’s office to inform them of how miserable I was still feeling. They scheduled me to come in first thing on Friday to have ultrasounds and lab work done to ensure everything was ok and to see if we could move forward as scheduled with transfer on Saturday or if we’d have to postpone.

Friday morning I was feeling a whole lot better than I was Monday, but still sore and bloated. To make a long story short and save on some of the details, everything checked out ok. My ovaries were still “large and in charge” as the ultra sound tech put it 🙂 and there was still a lot of free fluid, but my lab work came back normal and my doctor felt ok moving forward on Saturday. Whew….I was relieved! I thought for sure they were going to tell me we’d have to wait for the fluid and swelling to go down, delaying us another 4-6 weeks!

Saturday morning we woke up bright and early. I started drinking my 32 oz of water and took my diazepam at 6:30 and we headed out to get to the clinic by 7AM as instructed. Now I just want to say how grateful I am, that I live in the same city as my doctor’s office. So many couples have to travel hours and even some across state lines, to get to their fertility doctor. I live 20 minutes away, 12 if there’s no traffic, and get to recover in the comfort of my own bed rather than in a hotel room like so many do. This time around, I took time to stop and be thankful for that little convenient blessing.

We arrived at the clinic at 7AM. The nurse took me for a weight and asked if my bladder was full. Now I had finished more than my required 32oz but I wasn’t really feeling that full yet. Likely, it just hadn’t had the time to make its way to my bladder yet, but I regrettably asked for a bottle of water. I wanted to make sure my procedure wasn’t delayed because I wasn’t full enough! I immediately started guzzling the bottle of water.

The nurse took us back to our room, got my vitals, and then kindly told us there was going to be a wait. There was an egg retrieval that had just gotten started. Apparently, the anesthesiologist arrived over 30 minutes late, delaying that procedure. This in turn, would delay my procedure by at least that amount of time. The panic spread over me…why did I ask for that extra bottle of water!!?? The nurse sweetly advised that if I was feeling my bladder already, I should probably stop drinking the water. My first thought was, why did she offer this to me in the first place?!

Fast forward approximately 70 agonizing minutes, I was finally getting dressed and ready for my procedure that should have been done by then! The doctor offered for me to go use the bathroom to let out a little bit of the urine, but I knew that wasn’t even an option. If I was letting a little out, I was letting it all out at that point. I would have no control over that bodily function once started!

So we proceeded. The nurse strapped my legs into the oh-so-familiar stirrups on the cold table, spread my legs, and we waited for the doctor. We waited and waited and waited for what seemed like an eternity.

The nurse and ultrasound tech made small talk with Eric and I, they could see how much discomfort I was in and just wanted to help distract me. I wasn’t much for chatting in that moment, I just wanted to scream at them to get the doctor in the room! But I knew where she was…she was being a good doctor and talking with the previous retrieval patient. She was doing her job as quick as she could without compromising care to each of her patients. I could respect that, so I gritted my teeth and held on.

The doctor finally arrived…no more waiting! Or so I thought. She explained she would have to do a trial run first to ensure that the little catheter that houses the embryo, would go in smoothly and not run into any kinks along the way.

She spread my legs a little further {the agony!} and tilted me upside down some {breathing, keep breathing!!}. Then the cold speculum {Seriously??!!} and then the pressure from the catheter {OH COME ON, MAN!!!} Meanwhile the ultrasound tech was pressing on my abdomen to guide the doctor’s tools through everything. This small amount of pressure wasn’t helping me! But the trial run went great, better than times before. Apparently the enlarged ovaries made it even easier for the doctor to get where she needed to be, things were positioned perfectly!

Another few seconds later she was inserting the catheter again, this time that held my baby. We watched as baby was softly placed inside of my womb and I said a silent prayer that this time it would stick, that I would not be seeing the inside of this room again, that all this discomfort was worth it.

They unstrapped me, lowered the table, reviewed a few things I already knew, and I darted for the bathroom. Finally, some relief!!!

As you can tell, we put only one embryo in. Because my ovaries are still swollen and that isn’t really ideal, the doctor was only comfortable putting one in. We had hoped to do two, but were advised that if both embryos would implant and we ended up with twins, I would no doubt be admitted after a few weeks for OHSS. My ovaries would fill back up with fluid because of the rising HCG and I would be in a lot more pain that I had been this past week. I didn’t want to chance it, neither did Eric, so we heeded our doc’s advise and went with the best looking one 🙂

And so now we wait. Frist we wait to hear back from the lab to tell us how many of the other 13 fertilized embryo’s will be viable to freeze. We found out yesterday that at least 2 others had reached the necessary blastocyst stage and would be viable, but unsure about the rest. We’ll know sometime today.

And we wait the painful “2 week wait” until we follow-up for the results.

It’s harder this time to be hopeful, to think positive and expect a “win”. We’re batting 200 so far in this game of in vitro and I don’t feel that great when up to the plate. I don’t have the same confidence, I have a defeatist attitude, I need prayers to uplift my spirit and I need God to carry me through this.

I’m so grateful for so many of you who are praying for us as we go through this again. Your caring texts and thoughts mean so much and I know we’re not alone. I trust in the Lord that His will in my life will prevail and He will give me strength to endure anything that I face, even this and even if another heart-ache is around the corner.

—“But those who trust in the LORD will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.”—Isaiah 40:31

A Successful Harvest

October 5, 2016Leave a comment

Today was one of those gloomy, dreary Fall days. The type that farmers don’t like to see happen as they are trying to get their crops out of the field. But this was a day that was fitting for how I’m feeling and perfect for staying in my cozy bed sleeping and catching up on my DVR and Netflix shows I just don’t seem to have enough time for.

Yesterday was our retrieval day. I was beyond ready for the doctor to put me under and offer me some brief solace from my bloated misery. I was also excited to hear how many of the follicles they were able to harvest eggs from. My mom was kind enough to come to our place at 5:40AM {she even had to drive an hour to get here!} so that we wouldn’t have to wake Lincoln and take him with us.

We arrived at the clinic shortly before 6AM and I waddled down the hall to my waiting room. The nurse took my vitals and could see how uncomfortable I was. The procedure wasn’t scheduled until 7 but they had to have another nurse, the anesthesiologist, and the doctor make their rounds and make sure I understood what was happening in the procedure. Yes I knew, and I couldn’t wait to get it done! The doctor expected it to take the full 45 minutes because of my high follicle count.

Shortly before 7AM, they took me back to the procedure room, strapped me in to the cold bed, and to sleep I went 🙂

It was around 8:45 – 9:00 when they woke me up. I was in so much pain and discomfort, nothing like either of the retrievals before. I was shaking and crying from the discomfort and felt like my insides had exploded. They gave me IV tylenol with codeine and then another dose of some other wonderful drug which eventually helped subside the agony inside me.

The doctor came in and shared the news that they harvested 20 eggs out of all the follicles. I was a little surprised because I felt so much fuller than this, but 20 is a great number, so no complaints! And even better, the doctor thought we could move forward as planned for the fresh embryo transfer on Saturday!! My ovaries were quite large, by my estrogen level was not terribly high, considering {just over 2500}, and she believed the fluid in my ovaries would drain and swelling go down in time for Saturday. This was more great news!!!

We were able to leave the clinic shortly after 10. Overall the procedure took much longer than past retrievals so I was even more thankful that my mom had taken Lincoln so he wouldn’t have waited around that long. It would have been awful feeling the way I did and listening to a tired, whiny 4 year old who just wanted to go to school!

We headed home and I headed straight to bed. I was told not to take any pain meds until 2PM when the others had completely worn off, otherwise they would not react well together. By 1:30, I was NEEDING the pain meds. I was in so much discomfort, my stomach & intestines feeling like they were squished inside me. Any time I moved I took a bucket with me… just incase. I had to force myself to eat some toast as I feared the thought of having nothing to come up if/when that time came and the idea of dry heaving was nightmarish based on how much it hurt to even cough.

At one point I made my way to the bathroom. I was crying because of the pain associated with just the simple act of going to the bathroom when I felt the lightheadedness, the dry, parched mouth, and knew my insides were coming up. I had failed to take the bucket with me the 15 steps from my bed to the toilet so I screamed for Eric to bring it….quick! I vaguely remember spitting in the bucket and then it was gone…..the next thing I heard was Eric yelling at me and slapping my face. I had passed out and hit my head on the side of the tub. Now my head hurt along with my insides and he wouldn’t stop screaming at me!

I finally realized what had happened and he helped me up. I at least no longer had to puke, but I still felt awful :(. The rest of the afternoon and evening was the same as well as through the night. There are more embarrassing stories I could share along with this one, but we’ll stop there 🙂

This morning I woke up feeling somewhat better. I still feel bloated and have little to no appetite, but was told by the nurse today that eating protein and drinking lots of water should help with this. It still hurts with every step I take, but I’ve lost my sidekick bucket and have been able to move around a little more without feeling like I’d toss my proverbial cookies. Hopefully tomorrow I’m feeling well enough to go back to work.

Today I also received the call advising how many of the eggs fertilized. Like I said, we had 20 total harvested. 4 of them were not mature and they were unable to even try to fertilize. Of the remaining 16, 14 of them fertilized. There is no way to know for sure why the other 2 did not fertilize, but all in all, I’m ecstatic to hear that 14 fertilized! The nurse confirmed they intend to move forward with transfer on Saturday morning and to continue on my progesterone shots and other pills I’m currently taking.

I must say, in all of my procedures, shots taken, bruies, allergic reactions to patches, and invasive ultrasounds, this recovery post retrieval has been the worst experience of all of this. This recovery has been worse than child birth {although I actually enjoyed most of my labor with Lincoln!} and right now, I can honestly say I never want to go through this again!

But then I see my son and am reminded that I have so much indescribable love for him and if going through this agonizing process again has a even a small chance of delivering me another one of those, I would do it over and over and over again.

Love is an incredible, amazing and powerful thing and experiencing it as a parent is the most rewarding thing I have ever done and pray to do again.

Feels like another road block…

October 1, 2016October 1, 2016Leave a comment

This morning I had another ultrasound, hopefully my last invasive one. I’ve been going in every other day now since Tuesday and my body has responded to the hormones….maybe too much 😦

At my ultra sound on Thursday I had a very high count of follicles already. 33 on my left and 27 on my right….this is a LOT! Having a higher number is good, but also you don’t want too high of a number and you also don’t want them to get too big too fast. If you have too many you risk hyper stimulation of the ovaries and if you they grow too fast, they may not be of great quality. It feels like a very small target to aim for to grow the right amount and the right size of follicles! Anyway, the follicles were already measuring at 14-15 and they like to see the follicles at 18 in order to harvest them. My lab work showed I was right on track and I was scheduled to come back in on Saturday, this morning, to check again.

Now, I knew before I went in this morning, I was going to have a high number of follicles. I knew the follicles were going to be large. I knew they were going to tell me I’m at risk for hyper stimulation. I knew this all because from Thursday to this morning, I am in so much discomfort!!! It hurts to walk, sit, lay down, slouch, stand….really everything hurts 😦 I’m so bloated and full “down there” that even eating is difficult because I feel like there’s no room for anything else. Having a full bladder is also very uncomfortable so I’m making even more trips than normal to the bathroom {and those of you who know me, know I already pee all the time!!!}! I wouldn’t say that it’s the level of uncomfort that a third trimester pregnant woman experiences, but it’s just another type of uncomfortableness in this journey to try to achieve pregnancy…..just a different uncomfortable experience.

This morning I arrived to the lab and they first drew my blood….for the 4th time this week. Then they took me back for the ultrasound which I was dreading due to all the swelling and bloating I’ve got going on, but surprisingly, it wasn’t as bad as I anticipated. The ultra sound tech found what I already knew to be true….I was FULL! So full, she couldn’t give me an accurate count as to how many follicles I have. She measured what she could see and I have an abundant of 14-22mm sized follicles. After what felt like an eternity, she finished up and printed off the results for the nurse and doctor to review. She printed off 2 pages worth of measurements and joked to me that you know you have a lot when it spits out 2 pages. Either go big or go home, right?? 😉

As great as it is to have so many follicles to fertilize and hopefully develop into embryos, I knew this wasn’t great news and that the conversation about hyper stimulation was up next.

When the doctor came, he went through all my options and the scenarios ahead of me. I asked lots of questions and tried to related this experience with my successful experience almost 5 1/2 years ago. Back then, I was very uncomfortable and had a high count as well, but not as much as I have now. Back then, they didn’t know as much about hyper stimulation and the risks it carries for the mother. Back then, I may have been flagged for it, but wasn’t checked for it like I was now, again because they didn’t know as much as they know now. The reproductive medical world is ever growing in knowledge, understanding and technology every day.

So what is hyper stimulation? Well, my basic understanding {without doing any research, so forgive me if I get any of this wrong} is it’s when the ovaries get too stimulated by the hormones. They stretch out and can grow cysts and can essentially take up too much room “down there”. They will continue to grow and be stimulated by the hormones released if I were to become pregnant. This could cause lots of sickness and even more uncomfortableness than I’m already feeling and in some cases, very dangerous for the pregnant mother. We certainly want to avoid this.

To bring it back to where I’m at now, tonight I will take the “trigger shot” {HCG} to make me ovulate. The doctor is having me take only 1/2 the normal dose in hopes that this will keep me from hyper stimulating any more than I already have. I’ll have to go back in tomorrow morning for another lab to determine if the HCG level is high enough {above 100} to have allowed for a successful ovulation. If it is, great, if not, then I’ll have to have another “trigger shot” to ensure the job is done. I think this would all be solidify the hyper stimulation situation for me 😦

I will also be starting a new medication tonight that acts as a dopamine for the ovaries and will hopefully combat any hyper stimulation already going on. Hopefully this works and brings my levels and ovaries back down to normal size quickly after the harvest procedure.

Monday morning I will go in and be sedated and they will take out all the follicles measuring 14+. They will then fertilize them in the lab and we’ll wait to see how many develop and how many were “duds”.

On Monday, after the procedure, we’ll have the conversation with our doctor again about what’s next. If I am hyper stimulating, I won’t be able to proceed to the next step in this process yet. I would have to wait another cycle and then prep my body again with other medications and transfer a frozen embryo {or 2} at a later date. This would allow the ovaries to come back down in size, my hormones to get back in normal range, and my body some healing time. This really doesn’t sound that bad, right?

I agree, this doesn’t sound horrible and it’s probably the best and safest thing for me and any potential future baby. However, I’m getting impatient! Have you ever wanted something so badly and no matter what you did, there always seemed to be something in the way??? I wanted to be holding my baby in my arms already and to have this news feels like another road block, another set back, something else that’s gone wrong. I’ll be honest, I want to shake my fist at God and just ask Him “Why won’t you just give me this!? Why is this so hard?! Don’t you see how bad I’m hurting?!”

On Monday, we’ll try to make the decision to either hold off and freeze all embryos or move forward as planned {and hoped!} with the fresh transfer. I’m praying that 1) The low dose of trigger shot tonight will work and that I will have a high enough level tomorrow morning from the lesser dosage to avoid any unnecessary HCG in my system, 2) the meds I start tonight will help combat any hyper stimulation I already have going on and help bring my ovaries back down in size quickly after the procedure Monday, and 3) that He would give us clear direction on moving forward or waiting.

I want this pregnancy and a baby so badly that it hurts and I’m brought to tears thinking of having to wait another 6 weeks to even just try. I know in the grand scheme of things, 6 weeks longer isn’t that big of a deal, especially when it comes to risking my health, but it’s just another reminder to me of how hard this all is. If I’m honest, I find myself jealous of women who have unplanned or unexpected pregnancies….even though I know that’s not really fair for so many reasons. I just want another amazing miracle and for it to not be so difficult physically, emotionally and mentally.

I also think part of the reason this was such hard new today is because I am full of hormones! I’m a hot mess right now and I really just want to feel like myself again! Until then, I’m welcoming my sweat pants, accepting the laziness as a good thing, and allowing myself the ice cream indulgence if I feel so called to do!!! Oh, and maybe a pedi is necessary too 😉