I love Fall.  I love the colors, the cooler weather, sweaters and boots, the break from the overwhelming heat and humidity of summer, and of course, FOOTBALL {even though the Vikes season may not be as good as I hoped in the early preseason 😦 }!!!  I’m beyond ready for this new season!

I’ve been MIA for the summer months.  After our 4th failed IVF, we needed a break.  Our embryos were all gone and we honestly weren’t positive when {and if} we would want to try again.  Work is busiest for me in the summer months, our son was in several activities, we had vacation plans, and we just needed a break from the consuming IVF lifestyle.

A part of me wondered if the time off would change our minds…..if I’m honest, a part of me hoped it would. Maybe I could again become content with the idea of a family of 3, of our son being an only child, and me never carrying another baby.  Over the course of these months, I prayed that God would take that desire away from me if it’s not His will because I don’t want to continue chasing something that isn’t meant for me.  I don’t want to continue with the weight gain, pokes and prods, and heartbreak.  I earnestly prayed for clarity and direction.

Throughout these months, I didn’t feel like we were consumed by the grief of the last year or anger over what we put ourselves through.  We were able to enjoy our summer and still have casual conversations about what each of us were thinking and feeling going forward.  Let me tell you, it was such a blessing.  A part of me had questioned if I could honestly turn off that drive to push forward at all costs, to achieve my goal of pregnancy.  But I did, with God’s grace, and I’m so glad I could!

Then, in early August, I was away from home for 2 weeks for work.  During that, I missed my boys like crazy!  But I was able to use some of that time for self reflection,  to dig into myself and time with God to ask, “What’s next? Are we supposed to keep trying? Are we supposed to give up?” I again pleaded that if growing our family wasn’t in our future, that God would take that strong desire away.  I could focus more efforts on my career, my relationships, my son and my marriage.  These would all be great things and it would be so much easier to not want another child!

But the opposite happened.

Eric and I discussed how we were both feeling.  I shared that I was ready to try again when summer was over and work and other activities slowed back down.  We decided to buckle back down with our budget and ensure that financially we would be prepared for the additional expenses again.  We then just had to decide if we wanted to wait until October or get going right away.  After some back and forth and other things coming up, we decided we would start again as soon as we could.

And here we are now.  A new season, nearly a year from when we started our last fresh round, and preparing for this trying journey of unknowns yet again.  I would have expected us to feel more jaded about starting over, to have more anxiety and pessimism, but we don’t.  We feel peace with the decision to move forward and dare I say, even some refreshing hope that it could be different this time!

Prayers welcomed!