It’s been 2 weeks now since the disappointing news. I’m still trying to figure out how I’m feeling about everything and where I’m at.  In my head, I’m all over the place.  I’ve accepted the 4 failed attempts.  I’ve accepted the last 11 months feels like a waste.  I’ve accepted that God has a different and better plan in store for me.  What I find I’m struggling with is the question of, are we being selfish???

In the last two weeks, I’ve earnestly prayed to God to speak to me, to give me a sign, to reaffirm I’m making the right decisions.  I’ve spent more time in devotions and prayer and listening to His Word.  I’ve refocused energy and time into my husband, son and self.  I honestly want what His will is for me and I want it to be clear!

But I’m still left with questions.  I’m still left with confusion and doubt and guilt. Eric and I both can’t shake the feeling that some how, we’re being selfish.

On one end, I try to think of the advantages of having an only child.  One blessing to focus my time and energy into.  He doesn’t have to fight a sibling for attention, he doesn’t feel like we love his brother more or that his sister is our favorite.  He doesn’t have to share his toys or fight over which movie to watch because mom and dad usually given in to what he wants {whether or not this is a good thing is debatable!}  Financially, it’s easier to afford only 1 child.  I’m not as sleep deprived like some of my friends with multiple children.  It’s easier to find a sitter for only 1 child so in turn, it’s easier for us to get away if we need/want to.

On the other end, are we spoiling Lincoln?  Is he getting too much of what he wants, when he wants it? It would be a good lesson for him to learn young that he has to share his toys and his time.  Having siblings teaches compromise and other important life lessons.  Having a sibling would give Lincoln someone else to play with, fight with, relate to, and love.

To play the devil’s advocate again {which is constantly going on in my head!}, are we selfish to continue to try for another?  The effort and time I put into trying to get pregnant is wearisome.  It takes a toll not only on my body, but on my mind and spirit.  It’s exhausting and each time it doesn’t work, I go through at least a day of feeling down in the dumps. I’m sure Eric would tell you I take some of this frustration and disappointment out on him and my son.  Can I keep doing that to myself and to them?

Financially, is it selfish to keep going?  Yes, we have health insurance coverage, but we still have our deductible, out of pocket max, and copays to meet.  We’ve spent enough out of pocket in the last year to take our son to Disney at least a couple of times or to put away for his savings or even our own.  If we do have another, it’s 4 more years of day care costs and it’s that much harder to afford the Christian school that we would like to be able to send our son to.  Is it selfish to want another when we could be depriving our son of these other great things?

So that’s where I’m at!  I’m in my head and battling over what to do next and waiting for God to lead us.  I realize, it’s only been 2 weeks and I don’t have to have the answer and next step planned out yet, but it’s my nature to want to!!!

In the meantime, I’m sincerely trying to relax, let go and let God.  I’m trying to keep a positive attitude and remember to enjoy what I have in front of me.

This past weekend, we took a spontaneous trip to Omaha to the zoo, movie and a hotel stay with pool time.  Lincoln LOVED it and it was so refreshing to have this family time with both of them and create some special memories together.  

I don’t think it’s selfish to want another child, but it would be selfish to let that consume me and for me to miss out on the incredible one I already have!

If you would, please keep praying for us and for God’s direction to be made clear!