Father’s Day….A great day to celebrate my husband, my father, and the other men in my life who are fathers.  This was also the day I chose to take my first at home pregnancy test. I was 10 days out from our procedure at this point. I figured it could be a fantastic gift to my husband….or a crappy way to start the day of celebrating these important men!

As I was expecting, it was a disappointing way to start the day…and week.  No double line, not even a faint resemblance of a line, and no hope that maybe it would still change by Tuesday at our doctors appointment.

Even though I prepared myself for this result, it was still a let down, I still felt numb, angry, sad, disappointed and all of those emotions you would expect.  I shed a couple of tears with my husband, but tried not to focus on this for the entire day.  I decided to quit the medications…I didn’t need to add another bruise from another needle and dose myself with any more unnecessary hormones.  I wasn’t in the mood to hold on to any hope or to keep trying for something that wasn’t there.

I decided I would test again in the morning but that I couldn’t let the day be consumed by this.  I still celebrated Father’s Day, we shared with my parents the results, and left it at that.

Monday morning I tested again.  Still no 2nd line, still the same bitter feelings.  But this time I started to feel less angry and more embarrassed.  Embarrassed because I failed again.  Even though this is out of my control, I still feel like a failure...like I’m up to bat in a game I’m out of my league in, but I continue to try and continue to strike out.

Tuesday, doctor’s appointment day, and I’m dreading the conversation again.  I don’t even want to go, but I know I have to. I have to have this closure to the process and talk through any next steps.  My appointment was in the late afternoon which was ideal because I was swamped at work and I didn’t want this appointment to be running in my head all day.

The nurse brought us to our waiting room, checked us in, and smiled at us saying,

“Big day, huh?!”

I knew she knew the results, she had the lab work back already.  Honestly I was annoyed that she would patronize me.  With a blank look on my face, I simply replied,

“No, not really….this is the 4th one of these appointments this year….not that big of a day…nothing to be excited about.”

I felt kind of bad, like I was throwing a little bit of an adult verbal tantrum.  I could tell she didn’t know how to respond and so she just didn’t.  She finished up and told us the doctor would be in, shyly smiling again as she left.

I felt a little more bad… I didn’t mean to make her uncomfortable, but I also wasn’t that concerned with her feelings in all of this.  I was still trying to process my own and figure out what to do next.

The doctor came in with the big reveal….it didn’t work.  She was very sympathetic, very understanding to how we felt, but had no answers as to why {which I knew she wouldn’t}. She spent a lot more time with us than normal and we talked about our options going forward.  We could take a break, we could try another route, like IUI, or we could go right into it again.

Eric and I already knew, WE NEED A BREAK.  She was very encouraging of this and suggested we just contact the office when we were ready again.   We talked about our odds with IUI and how this is less invasive and less appointments, but ultimately, not as likely to work.  We talked about IVF again and the possibility of genetically testing the embryos next time and what that entails.  She said we’re “prime candidates” for this and it would eliminate any unnecessary attempts of IVF by determining which embryos they would then know wouldn’t result in a pregnancy.  It would potentially eliminate future failed IVF rounds…this sounded great!!!  We then talked about the cost….approximately $4-$5,000, and no coverage with insurance.  We ended the appointment saying we would be in touch when we were ready and walked out of the office.

It felt bittersweet walking out, the door closing behind, knowing I wouldn’t be back to this office for an indefinite amount of time.  I didn’t have the results I wanted, but I felt like I could breathe again, that the burden of IVF was over, even if only temporarily.

I don’t know what’s next.  I can’t say I’m done, I can’t say I’ll never do IVF again, because I’m fairly certain I will.  I’m unsure still of how I’m feeling or how to process the fact that we just did 4 rounds of IVF and none of them worked! A part of me wishes I never had the opportunity through our new health insurance to try it.  I used to be content with 1 child.  Now I have the idea in my head of adding to our little family and I might have to get back to being content.  It was hard enough getting there the first time!

What I do know is, I won’t let this battle with infertility consume me.  I won’t let it devastate my marriage or relationships with others like I know it can.  I do know I’m going to focus the energy I was putting into the IVF, into my husband, my son, and myself.  I want to refocus on what’s important in front of me NOW.  I will let myself process and feel the hurt of the unsuccessful last year we’ve had, but then I’ll move forward.

Maybe in a few months {or more} we revisit IVF.  Maybe we look at adoption.  Maybe we again become content with our beautiful, energetic, drives-me-crazy-sometimes, God-given son.

Whatever we do, where ever we’re led, I know God will be there.  He has a purpose and plan and reason for all of this.

“Weeping may endure through the night, but JOY comes in the morning.” – Psalm30:5

 

 

It’s been a few days now since we completed the transfer of our last 2 frosties!  We’re now in waiting mode, but I thought I’d write to share a glimpse of that day 🙂

With it being our last effort before having to look at starting the whole process over again {by “whole process” I mean starting from scratch with a lot more medications and injections to produce new eggs, combing with the male counterpart, and achieving new, fresh embryos} I wanted to be sure I was doing everything I could to give us the best chance for success!  I started by doing a session of acupuncture in the morning before our transfer.  I’ve never done that before in any of our past attempts, but figured it couldn’t hurt.  This was at 9AM.

A little before 10AM, I finished up, headed home and began pounding back the water and took my dose of valium {talk about stress reduction!}.  Apparently, research has shown that having a full bladder during the transfer procedure can significantly increase the chance of success.  I have always had a full bladder in all of my procedures, but I figured the more the better and guzzled down about 40 oz of water in 30 minutes!

We took off from home at about 10:15AM. The car ride was NOT pleasant, but I made it as I continued to drink my water.  Having the valium certainly did relax me, but I still felt EVERY.LITTLE.BUMP!  My bladder was ready to explode!

We got checked in, dressed up, and waited.  Now, most women will put on some lingerie and let their hair down to entice their husband into making-a-baby efforts, but not me 🙂

I didn’t even bother doing my hair that morning!  I grabbed a head band, threw it up and called it good!  Sexy, right??!! 😉

Our procedure was scheduled at 11AM.  By 10:50 I was changed and ready to go, but before they’ll take you back, they have to CONFIRM your bladder is full enough…because me sitting with my legs crossed, nearly sweating as I try to hold back the pee, isn’t confirmation enough!

The ultra sound tech took me back to check on this.  Her applying the slight amount of pressure on top of my bladder was enough to draw a small tear out of the corner of my eye!  She got a nice shot to show the doctor and prove I was more than full enough!

11AM came and went and the doctor wasn’t there yet.  The sweet nurse knew I was in agony and took me back to the procedure room to get draped.  The procedure room is as romantic as it sounds.  They put me up on the paper draped table, put my legs in stirrups and buckle them in, and tilted me back.  Then they turned the lights down low {to set the ambience of course!} and we waited for the doctor to arrive.  You can imagine how comfortable this was with a full bladder and my legs spread in a cold room!  I half joked, half warned the nurse I may not be able to hold my bladder through the entire procedure!  She smiled and said reassuringly, it wouldn’t be the first time :)!

A minute or two later {but felt like an eternity} the doctor got there.  He said his hello and gave me a smile behind his mask.  He made a joke about two red headed girls being transferred that day….the same joke he made over 5 years ago when he did the procedure with Lincoln 🙂

The nurse read my bracelet out loud to confirm my identity and the producer….inserting 2 embryos.  This is said aloud to the lab tech behind the glass before they hand over the little guys {or girls!} to ensure they give the doctor the right ones {yes, there is an audience behind glass to the whole procedure!!}.  The whole while, Eric stood at my side watching and waiting.

In the lab, the thawed embryos are placed in an air bubble together.  I believe {but honestly don’t know all the science behind} this is to protect them and to be able to place them more strategically in the uterus.  The ultra sound tech is also there in the room with us to assist the doctor in the placement of the air bubble in utero and then snap a photo when it’s done!

{The tiny white dot above the pointing hand is the air bubble with both embryos}

Once the embryos were in, the doctor handed the tube back to the lab tech behind the glass to ensure the transfer was a success and no embryo was left behind.  These guys are obviously so tiny, they can’t be seen by the naked eye so the tech has to put the tube under magnification to confirm.  Once the “OK” was given, I was free to get up and run to the bathroom!!! I ran as walked as fast as I could with a full bladder!!!

Then I went back to our private waiting room, changed back into my comfy clothes, and waited again.  The nurse came in, scheduled our follow up lab and appointment for 6/21/16, and told us we were free to go.

Eric and I headed to the car and then to another acupuncture appointment.  After that last appointment for the day, we hit up Taco John’s {which was easily one of my top cravings when I was pregnant with Lincoln!} for lunch and then headed home.  I laid in bed most of the day, catching up on The Bachelor and just taking it easy 🙂

I’m now 4 days post op and just patiently waiting {there’s a theme here!!!}!  I went back to work on Friday and stayed busy all weekend…but not too busy 🙂  I have to be sure I don’t raise my heart rate above 135, no heights, no lifting more than 20lbs, and lots of water.

I’ve been through this routine so often, that I’m not nearly as consumed minute by minute with what’s potentially {and hopefully!} going on with my body right now.  I still have to take the pills, patches and shots each day, so I’m certainly not forgetting, but thankfully I’m able to think about other things throughout my day.  I do catch myself day dreaming on occasion though, of what life could be with another baby!

Even Lincoln is excited about the possibility of a sibling.  When we ask him “what if it’s 2 babies” he quickly reminds us, he’s not changing any diapers!

Yes, we’ve shared with our 4 year old that there are babies in my tummy right now.  The last 3 attempts, he’s gotten upset by this and stated he doesn’t want a baby, but this time he’s different.  The morning of the procedure I dropped him off to daycare and told him what I was going to be doing that day, that the doctor was going to put babies in my tummy {not exactly correct, I know}.  When I picked him up, Lori, our provider, told me how excited Lincoln was when he told her about the babies and that he talked about it in a positive way!  I was so happy to hear this as I’ve been concerned about how he will react to another sibling….he’s been so used to being the only one!

He told me later that night he wanted to see the bump…meaning the baby bump.  I was laying in bed watching TV at the time and said,

“I don’t have a bump yet, sweetie.”

He then told me “Ok, you stay in here until you have a bump!” and closed the door!

I would love to know exactly what he’s thinking sometimes 🙂

So that’s what’s been going on here!  I would covet your continued prayers and positive thoughts as we continue to wait.  I’ve gotten decent at waiting…I made the mistake of praying for patience once years and years ago….never pray for patience because God will give you the opportunity to earn it!