Recently I’ve been getting more questions about why we’re going through infertility treatment.  No, not because of the obvious answer “We’re trying to have a baby”, but getting at the question of why can’t we have one on our own?  What’s the reason behind our infertility.

To some, this may seem like TMI and I’m sorry if that’s the case, but part of my reason for doing this blog and putting all this “out there” is for myself and to organize my own thoughts and experience, but it’s also to hopefully help others who might be struggling with it too.  Infertility, as common as it really is {I think the last stat I read is 1 in 8 couples will struggle with some form of infertility}, still has an embarrassing and hurtful stigma.  It’s not a fun topic of conversation for those who are burdened by it and quite honestly, it feels really, really lonely going through it.  So I hope that by opening myself up, a lonely reader might stumble upon this and realize, they are not alone.  It doesn’t make it feel any better going through it, but maybe knowing you’re not alone takes away a teeny, tiny bit of the sting of the reality of it.

So anyway, why can’t I get knocked up??  Well, to find out the reason for this, my husband and I went through several uncomfortable doctor visits and tests.  This started back when we were living in the Twin Cities and we finally hit that magical 12 month mark of trying and not conceiving.  We were told to start by having Eric tested, because it’s much easier and less invasive and 50% of the time, it’s an issue with the man. So we scheduled his appointment {which by the way, is so awkward in the waiting room!!! I really do feel bad for the men who have to have this done!} and waited for the results.

Now a little backstory. I was that woman Googling all the ways to get pregnant and trying most of them {good or bad}.  I had stumbled upon some natural fertility supplements for men and women to take that could boost your fertility!  I of course had found this around month 10 of 12 and ordered them for Eric and I both.  When Eric’s test results came back, everything on his end was normal!  This was great news, but also not great news because the infertility in women can be harder to diagnose and also harder to  “overcome”.

Next was my turn.  Now let me start by saying, at this point, we were not seeing a reproductive specialist.  We were living in a newer to us city, I did not have a PCP or an OBGYN and I just found a woman doctor online at a nearby clinic.  Her bio said she specialized in woman’s health and she looked nice in her photo, so I went with her.  In my appointment, we went through my history including parents and siblings, all my womanly functions and the fact that they are very regular and very normal, and any known prior pregnancies or lost pregnancies {big NOPE on that!}.  If I could go back and do it all again, I would have done more research on the doctor I was choosing, but we live and learn, right?!

Everything about me appeared normal {at least as far as my cycle is concerned, there’s plenty of NOT normal going on here!}, so the first real diagnostic test to perform was the Hysterosalpingogram {HSG}.  This is a fun little procedure in which they put dye up your uterus and tubes to make sure there is no blockage.  They do an Xray while they do it so they can watch and make sure the dye goes all the way through.  This thankfully came back all clear, but as you can imagine, it was very uncomfortable and of course, invasive!

Because this came back good and Eric’s guys looked good, my doctor started me on the Clomiphene citrate challenge test.  Essentially she put me on Clomid and then did blood work to see how my body responded.  This was supposed to tell us if I ovulated and also my reserve of available eggs.  I had heard and read success stories with using Clomid so I was so excited to start this and hoped and prayed for the best.  Unfortunately, all Clomid gave me was a preview of what menopause is going to be like….and it was NOT FUN!!  I had to endure 6 months of hot and cold flashes, moodiness and weight gain before they would let me move on to the next step.  With each month of Clomid we discovered sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t. All in all, they did discover that although my cycles are very, very regular, I don’t always ovulate and so this was a small win in trying to understand my infertility battle.

Eric and I moved from the Twin Cities for a job relocation.  We decided to take some time off and see if it would happen naturally.  It didn’t and we soon {4 months later} found ourselves moving again for a complete occupational change and relocation.  During this transition time, we continued to try to get pregnant the old fashioned way with no medication, but with lots of wive’s tale stuff I’d read about on the internet….none of it worked.

Fast forward 1 year and we found ourselves in the doctors office at Sanford in Sioux Falls where we’d been living.  We met with the doctor to review our history and chart and I explained that I sometimes ovulate, sometimes I don’t, explained my HSG was all clear, and Eric was good to go, yada, yada, yada. I brought along in a neat folder all of our passed tests and records so they could verify everything I was saying and dates of the tests being performed.  As “impressed” as the doctor was with my organization, it wasn’t good enough and we were going to have to do most of the testing all over again, starting with Eric.

Well, remember how I had found those pills online?  Eric was no longer taking them. Because his test had come back good I wasn’t going to keep spending the money on him if he wasn’t the problem, only makes sense, right???!!!  Much to our surprise, this time Eric’s test came back not so good.  His count was really high however his morphology was poor.  They explained it to us as if it was trying to put a square peg in a round hole….probably not ever going to work!  It’s possible that because he was on the supplements at the time of his last workup, his swimmers looked good because of this and it “tricked” the test.  Or, maybe he really was ok then and just wasn’t now…apparently sperm can change from month to month depending on lots of different factors, so no real way to know 🙂 Fun, right?!

On to me.  I had to do another 2 months on the Clomid again, just to see how my body reacted before they would do anything else.  This seemed like a waste of time and money to me, but what the heck!  As suspected, 1 month I ovulated, 1 I didn’t and they couldn’t figure out why??  I was given the diagnosis of “UNEXPLAINED INFERTILITY”.  This was absolutely FRUSTRATING!!!!  Because of this, the doctor suggested we move right to IVF as it was going to be our best shot.  Due to our age and health, our doctor thought we were prime candidates for it and gave us high odds of it working.  He did suggest that because of Eric’s issue, we also plan for the possibility {and additional cost…out of pocket} of the use of Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection, or ICSI.  My basic understand of this is that in the lab they take 1 particular sperm that looks really good and actually inject it into the egg to ensure fertilization.  There are additional financial costs associated with this, as well as risks.  Eric was advised to start back on a regimen of vitamins and the fertility supplement that he had been on, to see if this would help his “issue” out, before our scheduled IVF procedure.

Skipping forwarding through lots of emotional details and decisions, we found ourselves preparing for in vitro.  But before I could begin the injections, I had to have a Saline hysterogram {SHG}.  The doctor told me it was just a common procedure, he didn’t expect to find anything, but essentially it’s a test performed to detect any polyps or fibroids in the uterine wall.  They need the uterus to be in tip top shape and anything that may be in there, could hinder the chance of implantation.  Again, I was young, healthy and regular cycles, so he didn’t expect to find anything.

Well, he found something.  He found a polyp right in the middle of where the action happens.  This had to be removed and heal up before we could proceed, so we scheduled the Hysteroscopy to remove the polyp.  This was a procedure I had to actually be put under for and of course there are always risks associated with that.  I had tunnel vision though and wasn’t scared, just focused and wanted my baby!  Surgery went smoothly, polyp removed, and on we went!

A month or so later, we did IVF, Eric didn’t need the ICSI because the supplements worked for him, and the procedure turned out to be a success!  In the end, I did discover why I couldn’t get pregnant, but I never received reasons as to why those roadblocks happened.  In our 2nd attempt to get pregnant, I have since had another HSG, another SGH, 2 more Hysteroscopies, a Endometrial biopsy and 2 Laparoscopies.  Sounds like a lot right???  I still have no real reason as to why I continue to get polyps and why I don’t always ovulate.  No one can explain to me my condition and I’m just supposed to accept that!!!!

Sometimes it’s really easy for me to want to sit here and feel sorry for myself.  I see teens having babies, women of all ages choosing abortion, and women getting pregnant when they really didn’t want  or try to.  I sometimes can’t help but feel like I’m being punished.  That God is doing this to me because I did something wrong and so I’m paying the price now.  However, that’s not how God works.  I do not serve a God who holds grudges or wants to see me in anguish each month.  My God intends great things for me whether I believe it always or not!  My God hurts with me when I hurt, He knows the pain I feel because He has felt greater.  My God is a comforting God who loves me and wants good things for me.  But sometimes, what He sees as good things, is not what I’ve got in my head.  Most of the time, I can’t see the bigger picture and so I get stuck in my own small world here and forget to consider what God’s got going on.  I have to remind myself to keep perspective and remember the 4 year old blessing just down the hall from me that was always in His plan, just in a different way than I envisioned.

Finally, I want to put it out there, that I do not always have a positive attitude.  I have a real struggle with negativity and trying to stay positive.  This post, is just as much meant to be encouragement for anyone else who may be down in the dumps, as it is a reminder to me to keep from going there myself.  It’s easy to write these words and sound like I’ve got it all together….but I don’t and I certainly don’t want to pretend that I do.  You are not alone if you are feeling depressed, frustrated and angry and I know I’m not either.  But I hope that we can help each other from going and/or staying there.

Sorry for the long post! Just wanted to share a little glimpse into my world with infertility and how I’ve gotten where I am!