No, no beer or lemon drops for me.  I’ll take a potent cocktail of Estrogen, Progesterone, and Lupron….and make it a double, please!

I’ve started another round of IVF this last week…my 4th round in 9 months.  To be quite honest all of the needles, patches, pills, and invasive ultra sounds are feeling quite normal.  We started our 2nd attempt at a baby back in September 2015 and sadly, God hasn’t answered our prayers yet.

We were so hopeful and excited when last July I found out my health insurance would cover the expense of IVF {almost nearly unheard of in most states}!  Eric and I had pretty much settled with the idea that Lincoln, our now 4 year old, would always be an only child.  I certainly wanted more, but the expense and stress of IVF is so great, I never thought we would do it again {unless we won the lottery but we don’t even play the lottery so….} and we had gotten ourselves to the point of accepting we were a 3 person family and that was ok.

But then I discovered the coverage was there and IVF became a real possibility again.  We could afford to cover or health insurance deductible and out of pocket max!  The idea of a family of 3 now seemed incomplete for me and I found all the reasons that we NEEDED to have another!  We made the appointment with the reproductive specialist and the daydreaming of another little one began!

Here I am now, about 10 months out from when that dream of another baby started, and life isn’t what I was picturing.  I don’t have life growing inside me, I’ve had 3 failed attempts, and I have 2 frozen embryos left in a freezer. I’ve had 2 surgeries to remove polyps that keep coming back and I’ve lost 5 to-be-babies.  I can’t help but wonder, “why”??? Why didn’t God give me what I wanted yet???

I don’t have a specific answer for the “why”.  I do know and trust that God has a plan that is bigger than me and bigger than I can see.  It sounds cliche, right? But I really do believe it!  I do know and believe because I’ve experienced His plan being better than mine.  He blessed me with Lincoln 4 years ago, 3 years after I asked for a baby.  I do know, that if I had gotten pregnant on my time, I wouldn’t have my son that I have now.  I know that I wouldn’t have gone through the original in vitro process and met some of the wonderful people I have met in that journey.  I’ve grown from that burden.  I’ve grown in my perspective of life, in patience, in trust, and in my faith.  I have real, very personal experience with God’s plan in my life working out for the better.

My prayer then wasn’t answered exactly how I pictured it being answered.  My prayer now is again not being answered how I expected. But God is doing something and He has a plan for this too.  I don’t know what it is, and quite honestly I don’t always take joy in His waiting period, but I’m working to trust in Him and His plan again….how ever that works out.

Whatever your burden is right now, I’m sorry.  I pray you find peace and will one day see how God uses that burden…if you let Him.