Recently I’ve been getting more questions about why we’re going through infertility treatment.  No, not because of the obvious answer “We’re trying to have a baby”, but getting at the question of why can’t we have one on our own?  What’s the reason behind our infertility.

To some, this may seem like TMI and I’m sorry if that’s the case, but part of my reason for doing this blog and putting all this “out there” is for myself and to organize my own thoughts and experience, but it’s also to hopefully help others who might be struggling with it too.  Infertility, as common as it really is {I think the last stat I read is 1 in 8 couples will struggle with some form of infertility}, still has an embarrassing and hurtful stigma.  It’s not a fun topic of conversation for those who are burdened by it and quite honestly, it feels really, really lonely going through it.  So I hope that by opening myself up, a lonely reader might stumble upon this and realize, they are not alone.  It doesn’t make it feel any better going through it, but maybe knowing you’re not alone takes away a teeny, tiny bit of the sting of the reality of it.

So anyway, why can’t I get knocked up??  Well, to find out the reason for this, my husband and I went through several uncomfortable doctor visits and tests.  This started back when we were living in the Twin Cities and we finally hit that magical 12 month mark of trying and not conceiving.  We were told to start by having Eric tested, because it’s much easier and less invasive and 50% of the time, it’s an issue with the man. So we scheduled his appointment {which by the way, is so awkward in the waiting room!!! I really do feel bad for the men who have to have this done!} and waited for the results.

Now a little backstory. I was that woman Googling all the ways to get pregnant and trying most of them {good or bad}.  I had stumbled upon some natural fertility supplements for men and women to take that could boost your fertility!  I of course had found this around month 10 of 12 and ordered them for Eric and I both.  When Eric’s test results came back, everything on his end was normal!  This was great news, but also not great news because the infertility in women can be harder to diagnose and also harder to  “overcome”.

Next was my turn.  Now let me start by saying, at this point, we were not seeing a reproductive specialist.  We were living in a newer to us city, I did not have a PCP or an OBGYN and I just found a woman doctor online at a nearby clinic.  Her bio said she specialized in woman’s health and she looked nice in her photo, so I went with her.  In my appointment, we went through my history including parents and siblings, all my womanly functions and the fact that they are very regular and very normal, and any known prior pregnancies or lost pregnancies {big NOPE on that!}.  If I could go back and do it all again, I would have done more research on the doctor I was choosing, but we live and learn, right?!

Everything about me appeared normal {at least as far as my cycle is concerned, there’s plenty of NOT normal going on here!}, so the first real diagnostic test to perform was the Hysterosalpingogram {HSG}.  This is a fun little procedure in which they put dye up your uterus and tubes to make sure there is no blockage.  They do an Xray while they do it so they can watch and make sure the dye goes all the way through.  This thankfully came back all clear, but as you can imagine, it was very uncomfortable and of course, invasive!

Because this came back good and Eric’s guys looked good, my doctor started me on the Clomiphene citrate challenge test.  Essentially she put me on Clomid and then did blood work to see how my body responded.  This was supposed to tell us if I ovulated and also my reserve of available eggs.  I had heard and read success stories with using Clomid so I was so excited to start this and hoped and prayed for the best.  Unfortunately, all Clomid gave me was a preview of what menopause is going to be like….and it was NOT FUN!!  I had to endure 6 months of hot and cold flashes, moodiness and weight gain before they would let me move on to the next step.  With each month of Clomid we discovered sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t. All in all, they did discover that although my cycles are very, very regular, I don’t always ovulate and so this was a small win in trying to understand my infertility battle.

Eric and I moved from the Twin Cities for a job relocation.  We decided to take some time off and see if it would happen naturally.  It didn’t and we soon {4 months later} found ourselves moving again for a complete occupational change and relocation.  During this transition time, we continued to try to get pregnant the old fashioned way with no medication, but with lots of wive’s tale stuff I’d read about on the internet….none of it worked.

Fast forward 1 year and we found ourselves in the doctors office at Sanford in Sioux Falls where we’d been living.  We met with the doctor to review our history and chart and I explained that I sometimes ovulate, sometimes I don’t, explained my HSG was all clear, and Eric was good to go, yada, yada, yada. I brought along in a neat folder all of our passed tests and records so they could verify everything I was saying and dates of the tests being performed.  As “impressed” as the doctor was with my organization, it wasn’t good enough and we were going to have to do most of the testing all over again, starting with Eric.

Well, remember how I had found those pills online?  Eric was no longer taking them. Because his test had come back good I wasn’t going to keep spending the money on him if he wasn’t the problem, only makes sense, right???!!!  Much to our surprise, this time Eric’s test came back not so good.  His count was really high however his morphology was poor.  They explained it to us as if it was trying to put a square peg in a round hole….probably not ever going to work!  It’s possible that because he was on the supplements at the time of his last workup, his swimmers looked good because of this and it “tricked” the test.  Or, maybe he really was ok then and just wasn’t now…apparently sperm can change from month to month depending on lots of different factors, so no real way to know 🙂 Fun, right?!

On to me.  I had to do another 2 months on the Clomid again, just to see how my body reacted before they would do anything else.  This seemed like a waste of time and money to me, but what the heck!  As suspected, 1 month I ovulated, 1 I didn’t and they couldn’t figure out why??  I was given the diagnosis of “UNEXPLAINED INFERTILITY”.  This was absolutely FRUSTRATING!!!!  Because of this, the doctor suggested we move right to IVF as it was going to be our best shot.  Due to our age and health, our doctor thought we were prime candidates for it and gave us high odds of it working.  He did suggest that because of Eric’s issue, we also plan for the possibility {and additional cost…out of pocket} of the use of Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection, or ICSI.  My basic understand of this is that in the lab they take 1 particular sperm that looks really good and actually inject it into the egg to ensure fertilization.  There are additional financial costs associated with this, as well as risks.  Eric was advised to start back on a regimen of vitamins and the fertility supplement that he had been on, to see if this would help his “issue” out, before our scheduled IVF procedure.

Skipping forwarding through lots of emotional details and decisions, we found ourselves preparing for in vitro.  But before I could begin the injections, I had to have a Saline hysterogram {SHG}.  The doctor told me it was just a common procedure, he didn’t expect to find anything, but essentially it’s a test performed to detect any polyps or fibroids in the uterine wall.  They need the uterus to be in tip top shape and anything that may be in there, could hinder the chance of implantation.  Again, I was young, healthy and regular cycles, so he didn’t expect to find anything.

Well, he found something.  He found a polyp right in the middle of where the action happens.  This had to be removed and heal up before we could proceed, so we scheduled the Hysteroscopy to remove the polyp.  This was a procedure I had to actually be put under for and of course there are always risks associated with that.  I had tunnel vision though and wasn’t scared, just focused and wanted my baby!  Surgery went smoothly, polyp removed, and on we went!

A month or so later, we did IVF, Eric didn’t need the ICSI because the supplements worked for him, and the procedure turned out to be a success!  In the end, I did discover why I couldn’t get pregnant, but I never received reasons as to why those roadblocks happened.  In our 2nd attempt to get pregnant, I have since had another HSG, another SGH, 2 more Hysteroscopies, a Endometrial biopsy and 2 Laparoscopies.  Sounds like a lot right???  I still have no real reason as to why I continue to get polyps and why I don’t always ovulate.  No one can explain to me my condition and I’m just supposed to accept that!!!!

Sometimes it’s really easy for me to want to sit here and feel sorry for myself.  I see teens having babies, women of all ages choosing abortion, and women getting pregnant when they really didn’t want  or try to.  I sometimes can’t help but feel like I’m being punished.  That God is doing this to me because I did something wrong and so I’m paying the price now.  However, that’s not how God works.  I do not serve a God who holds grudges or wants to see me in anguish each month.  My God intends great things for me whether I believe it always or not!  My God hurts with me when I hurt, He knows the pain I feel because He has felt greater.  My God is a comforting God who loves me and wants good things for me.  But sometimes, what He sees as good things, is not what I’ve got in my head.  Most of the time, I can’t see the bigger picture and so I get stuck in my own small world here and forget to consider what God’s got going on.  I have to remind myself to keep perspective and remember the 4 year old blessing just down the hall from me that was always in His plan, just in a different way than I envisioned.

Finally, I want to put it out there, that I do not always have a positive attitude.  I have a real struggle with negativity and trying to stay positive.  This post, is just as much meant to be encouragement for anyone else who may be down in the dumps, as it is a reminder to me to keep from going there myself.  It’s easy to write these words and sound like I’ve got it all together….but I don’t and I certainly don’t want to pretend that I do.  You are not alone if you are feeling depressed, frustrated and angry and I know I’m not either.  But I hope that we can help each other from going and/or staying there.

Sorry for the long post! Just wanted to share a little glimpse into my world with infertility and how I’ve gotten where I am!

No, no beer or lemon drops for me.  I’ll take a potent cocktail of Estrogen, Progesterone, and Lupron….and make it a double, please!

I’ve started another round of IVF this last week…my 4th round in 9 months.  To be quite honest all of the needles, patches, pills, and invasive ultra sounds are feeling quite normal.  We started our 2nd attempt at a baby back in September 2015 and sadly, God hasn’t answered our prayers yet.

We were so hopeful and excited when last July I found out my health insurance would cover the expense of IVF {almost nearly unheard of in most states}!  Eric and I had pretty much settled with the idea that Lincoln, our now 4 year old, would always be an only child.  I certainly wanted more, but the expense and stress of IVF is so great, I never thought we would do it again {unless we won the lottery but we don’t even play the lottery so….} and we had gotten ourselves to the point of accepting we were a 3 person family and that was ok.

But then I discovered the coverage was there and IVF became a real possibility again.  We could afford to cover or health insurance deductible and out of pocket max!  The idea of a family of 3 now seemed incomplete for me and I found all the reasons that we NEEDED to have another!  We made the appointment with the reproductive specialist and the daydreaming of another little one began!

Here I am now, about 10 months out from when that dream of another baby started, and life isn’t what I was picturing.  I don’t have life growing inside me, I’ve had 3 failed attempts, and I have 2 frozen embryos left in a freezer. I’ve had 2 surgeries to remove polyps that keep coming back and I’ve lost 5 to-be-babies.  I can’t help but wonder, “why”??? Why didn’t God give me what I wanted yet???

I don’t have a specific answer for the “why”.  I do know and trust that God has a plan that is bigger than me and bigger than I can see.  It sounds cliche, right? But I really do believe it!  I do know and believe because I’ve experienced His plan being better than mine.  He blessed me with Lincoln 4 years ago, 3 years after I asked for a baby.  I do know, that if I had gotten pregnant on my time, I wouldn’t have my son that I have now.  I know that I wouldn’t have gone through the original in vitro process and met some of the wonderful people I have met in that journey.  I’ve grown from that burden.  I’ve grown in my perspective of life, in patience, in trust, and in my faith.  I have real, very personal experience with God’s plan in my life working out for the better.

My prayer then wasn’t answered exactly how I pictured it being answered.  My prayer now is again not being answered how I expected. But God is doing something and He has a plan for this too.  I don’t know what it is, and quite honestly I don’t always take joy in His waiting period, but I’m working to trust in Him and His plan again….how ever that works out.

Whatever your burden is right now, I’m sorry.  I pray you find peace and will one day see how God uses that burden…if you let Him.

 

 

Mother’s Day….I love this day and what it means for me.  I love the little handmade gifts and cards I get from our daycare provider that “Lincoln made” and that Eric tries his hardest to get our son to be extra good and sweet this weekend.  I love going to church and hearing “Happy Mother’s Day” and sharing that expression with other’s.  I appreciate so much the idea behind this “holiday” and honoring mothers and grandmother’s who have loved and sacrificed for their precious children.  But this weekend used to be a dreaded weekend for me, one that brought tears to me and uncomfortable sermons in church.  A weekend I’d rather stay in, leave the sweats on, and watch a movie with the hubby.

SPOILER ALERT: That all changed for me 5 years ago when Mother’s Day weekend, I found out I was FINALLY a mommy!!!!!!!  I beamed with excitement and couldn’t wait to tell everyone and hear everyone tell ME Happy Mother’s Day!

If you haven’t figured it out already, by the title of my blog and the start of this post, I struggled with {and still do} infertility.  For those of you women out there who have and are struggling with this very real pain, I hurt with you.  I know the agony each month when the test is negative.  I know the embarrassment of being asked “when are you going to have kids?” and the frustration of being told “just stop trying”.  I know the feeling of jealousy when your friend/sister/coworker tells you their pregnant….and to make it better, they weren’t trying!!!

To tell you a little about me, I’ve been married for almost 9 years now, I’m strong and very independent, I’m stubborn and I do NOT like being told “no”.  I’m a self-proclaimed tomboy, I love sports, I’m very competitive, and I’m really not all that nurturing.  With all that said, I’ve always wanted to be a mom more than anything in the world.  After we got married, we started trying to become pregnant after only 5 months {we had to wait until after our cruise honeymoon in January because I wanted to enjoy some drinks on the beach…duh!}  I remember after only the first month of it not working being devastated and bawling to Eric that it wasn’t going to work and that we’d probably have to go the extreme of doing IVF to ever achieve pregnancy {I’ve been known to be a bit of a pessimist and take things to the negative extreme a few times in my life}!

Fast forward a few years later and we found ourselves in the waiting room of the Reproductive Specialist {that just sounds nicer than “infertility”} in Sioux Falls.  We’ve now been married a few years, we’ve had a few job relocations, an occupation change for my husband, a dog, and a new house.  It took about 3 months to get in to see the infertility doctor and I felt like this was finally going to be our time.  I actually had more of a positive attitude than I had had in months {maybe years} because I felt like this was going to be the answer I was waiting for.

I could go into all the details of our nearly 3 year journey of unanswered infertility questions, the crazy, un-sexy attempts we made on our own, the various medical approaches we took, the countless fights and ugly strain it took on our marriage and relationship.  I could tell you about how selfish and consumed I became with having a baby and the stress that it caused in all aspects for both me and Eric.  But I’ll save those wonderful insights for another post 🙂

As we spoke with the doctor who had reviewed our charts, labs, and past medical history, he told us our best option was In Vitro Fertilization, better known as IVF.  I immediately looked at my husband and said “Haha, I told you!”…..just kidding, I left that for the car ride home {I told you, I’m very competitive!}.  I didn’t cry though, I wasn’t upset by this, the idea of shots and a very timed schedule didn’t scare me.  I was willing to do whatever it was going to take to give us the best chance of becoming pregnant and if that was with IVF, my only question was, when can I start? {Oh, and how much does it cost….that part did scare me…a lot!!}

Fast forward again, this time only a few months, and there I was leading up to Mother’s Day again. I knew I was either going to be staying in my house, avoiding all mother’s {probably even my own}, and eating ice cream while I was mad at the world and God, or I would be out celebrating the fact that I was finally going to be a mom and could participate happily in the exchange with other moms, saying “Happy Mother’s Day”!  Thankfully for me, it was the latter and I felt so blessed, fortunate, and loved that Mother’s Day weekend and every one since.

Now, I know this is still a very tough day and weekend for so many others out there.  As much as I do love and cherish this weekend for me in a selfish way, I still cringe at the thought of other women who may be suffering silently, or with support, in their own fertility battle.  I’m still right there with you and want to be supportive for you.  I know the way it feels to think you’re alone in it and no one understands.  I want you to know, I do still understand and you are certainly not alone.

My reason for this blog is mostly for me.  I probably won’t have super great in site to life and/or mommyhood and I know I don’t have all the answers.  I wanted a place to express myself and be heard {even if only by me} because I’m going through it again.  I’m trying to become a mommy to a 2nd beautiful baby and it hasn’t worked yet.  I’m back at a place where I’m frustrated, depressed at the lack of answers, and needing support from others.  If I can go through this journy and provide support in anyway to someone else, than I can find reason in this unexplained burden.  I hope that I can one day look back on this all and smile knowing I turned it around for good.